Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
ex DH annoying emails: humour and coping responses to stop me getting irritated please(140 Posts)
I've posted a bit over the last few years post my marriage break-up with ex-DH (he left for OW when son was 2, I was in middle of IVF, had moved to his home-country 2 years earlier and unable to go back to the UK to resume old life, career, family, friends etc - so been tough).
Two years of low level acrinomy later (lots of lies deception re OW, spiteful behaviour etc) OW and her son have moved in with ex-DH (from another city) and they are now a family unit which my son joins every other w/end. I am not 'allowed' to meet OW ("I can't see a reason to put her through that") and my son's life there is fairly separate but I think he likes OW and her child and 'happy' that he does not have to travel 10 hours round trip in a car to her city which is what my ex was doing with him last year.
Ex is being a dick generally (currently prob having to go to court to sort out legal error in our financial agreement which sees him paying around 40% less than anticipated + some issues about him letting me travel to UK for holidays all of which are being sorted by lawyers) and we have limited communication - which at his request is always via email - but we do have some logistics to attend to which require some exchanges.
My current irritation - and I can see it is almost funny - but it is having the no doubt desired effect of annoying me - is that since OW and her son moved in 2 months ago) it is almost laughable at the amount of times ex-DH can cram into an email about logisics 'my family' or 'DS's family' as if I don't exist at all in relation to DS and the 80% of time DS spends with me is just ancillary. I know that he is doing this to be 'hurtful' and to 'get' to me as we lost a couple of babies late on when we were married and were in the middle of IVF and that my hopes for a 'big' family are now just me and DS with all other family and close friends in UK. For example today's missive about swimming lessons is
"arrange a weekday lesson which doesn't impact on DS time with me and his family as he really looks forward to getting home to his family on Fridays"
followed by "DS will be attending <sporting event> with his brother and his family at ...."
ex claims DS has called OW child 'brother' from their first meeting (unprompted for sure ; ) and whilst it was hard I'm OK with that. But for example the other day I got an email that mentioned 'DS's family', 'his family (in relation to DS) and 'our family' and 'his brother' in relation to DS/OW/OWS son EIGHT times - again about a brief logistical matter and in relation to a question about limiting DS time on a certain game the 'In his <DS's> family we....."
so lovely Mumsnetters. Of course I know I need to ignore. Of course I need to think childish twat rubbing my nose in it not going to give it headspace but everytime they land I want to throw something at my computer screen and say FUCK OFF.
Ideas, humorous or otherwise, on how I can not let this 'get' to me and not give it mental headspace. BTW know this is not huge problem in the whole scheme of things but trying not to bore RL people this year about ex so using here as a forum.
This sounds a bit 'petty' written down which is why not referencing in RL but it does hurt so looking for ways to deflect....
Xales will certainly do that next time. Woke up this am (downunder) and rather wished I had ignored but at least it shows him that his stupid fuckery has been noted and may make him ease off on it. If not then I will absolutely ignore ignore ignore. Funny thing is when I was married to him he was 'nice'. Had a 360 when he left (although did see arrogant side in a work context but thought part of his role vs part of his character). TBH OW and he seem well suited in that a few months ago (I now know precipitated by the move) she sent me a long email out of the blue (no contact with her) telling me that for once and for all I had to understand she and ex did not have an affair.
Instead and I quote she 'can't tell me how many times I tried to save your marriage' but he was looking to her for the emotional support that he should have been getting from me ...she went on to tell me how I could chose to act (in relation to ex) in a better way and listed her virtues "anyone that knows me would tell you that my core value is honesty" and that I needed to let go of the past as she has done as she has been focused on "building a family that includes DS". Again. an unintentially e-mail that banged on and on. Clearly she is a saint who spent several hours talking on the phone and texting in the middle of a night with a married man from the time his son was 9 months old until he left when hew was 2 in a valiant and selfless attempt to fix things (that I had no idea that needed to be fixed) for me. It is a co-incidence that they are not together. Apparently it was the furthest thing from her mind. All poppycock off course given I saw some of the texts (not sure where the ex to her "like a turtle helpless when you are on your back" comes into marriage guidance " but proof positive that they are just as deluded as each other!
unintentially funny...that should read
Dolly, I think you are managing this magnificently. I know you will feel that sometimes you lose the plot, but under pressure from these two, its no surprise.
I see the two of them as desperately trying to re-write history. Draw together by desiny, blah blah blah, tried to convince him to make his marriage work blah blah blah, didn't have an affair as it was much more altruistic than that blah blah blah... etc, I could go on! I translate that as two people who know they are in the wrong and are desperately trying to make all the hurt they have caused go away. Foolishly they are doing this by re-writing history. Doh! Not very bright when you are trying to cover the oldest of stories - adultery.
Another thing that strikes me is that OW must have family who she is trying to impress as well. Here are you thinking about how this relates to you and your dear DS while they are having to balance two families who must, of they are normal, wonder exactly what is going on. Thats a lot of stress for your FW and probably accounts for much of this parenting 'accountancy' he is writing in his emails. It doesn't matter what he writes, he's living a lie and he knows that. No amount of words will ever make that better.
Stick with your way of managing. Don't let him away with anything to do with your DS, but the crap he is emailing you about how wonderful his life is and how wonderful this 'family' is... whatever... we all know that day to day life is never that great, no matter how much you tell yourself that it is.
Just enjoy your time with your DS and focus on ignoring the bait your FW is sending to you. The reality is that no-one else cares, so if you ignore him, he is talking to himself!
Dolly that remark you made about his arrogant side at work- you hit on s
Something interesting there.
My h, who was a long term cheat and liar, was also manipulative and a liar and a player at work. I now see that you are who you are, at work and at home, however you present it.
We discussed this at joint counselling and he came to see this too.
I thought thus was worth mentioning, because it gives a person alot more clues about their partners character than many realise
Lord, Dolly, that is a hilarious email from the OW. Some people have no self-knowledge whatsoever and are packed to bursting with self-justification instead.
Ok. Again post to stop me responding or throwing computer across the room. Just received an email from ex-DH informing me he has a new email address for all communication. It is OWnameandexDHname@.......
Joint email addresses? Really? For a 45 year old in 2013? I know it is just a tactic to annoy me and so I get her name popping up in my inbox (I can't imagine he is using it for anything/one else) so as such need to ignore but I do find it a bit 'rich' that I am expected to send an email to <OW and ex> about my son when I have not, nor am I permitted to meet her!
I just to ignore, I know that...right? Why is he such a prick? It is getting more and more laughable and just kind of odd in terms of what is going on in his head....
Hmm, would it be worth sending an email along the lines of 'Dear (wankyadolescentinsecureCoupleInWuv), sorry to see you have had to change your email address. Did the old one get hacked? I recommend (whatever you prefer) antivirus software to stop it happening again' And then put in several really boring stories about people you know whose emails got spammed or phished or hacked.
Long boring stories back to him. That's got to be the answer!
In reply to the
"arrange a weekday lesson which doesn't impact on DS time with me and his family as he really looks forward to getting home to his family on Fridays"
I would send an email with...
'You've completely lost me with this email, I'm afraid. I thought you were having DS on Friday, rather than him spending it here, at home with his family"...
Make him write back saying, 'No - he IS here with his family' and then you can simply reply...
'Oh! Your family...sorry. Completely misunderstood you. It was such a peculiar way to refer to your new set up. Obviously DS wants to have contact with his father - but your partner's child isn't any relation to him, of course'.
I do appreciate the posters who are saying to ignore and rise above it. But I would be challenging every single inappropriate/tosser comment.
If he continues I would simply write saying, 'Your long winded details of your new family's life are completely inappropriate and of no interest to me. In future would you please simply send the basic details I need, eg. I will pick DS up at 10.00 am Saturday morning. Any further communication between us is completely unneccessary'.
I am also tempted to write the following (almost, don't worry I am sitting on my hands aside from MN)
Dear OW & Ex
Thanks for your email, I have updated my records accordingly. Please also amend with class mum, soccer club and xyz.
OW, I'm guessing from the fact that I now send communications about DS to both of you (thank you for organising my access to health fund btw) that you are taking an active role in the co-parenting (I should I say tri-parenting) of DS. If this is correct you may know that ex-DH doesn't feel able to take DS to his soccer team practice every other week after he picks him up from school as he doesn't want to 'spend the limited time I have with my son on the soccer sidelines'. As a mum yourself, and by all accounts your DS is delightful, I'm hoping that you may understand how great it would be if DS could attend these practices as most of his classmates are in his team and it is a shame for him to miss out for the sake of an hour a fortnight when ex picks him up from school and is 2 minutes from the soccer field. I'm sure you encourage 1-1 time for your DS and his Father and recognise all the benefits of team sports etc. Clearly ex adores you and values your input in all things parenting - hence the new joint-email - so as one Mum to another any work behind the scenes you could do to encourage it would be SO appreciated! I have suggested to ex-DH that it may be time for us all to meet briefly so we are able to attend sporting and school events - like soccer - without any uneccessary awkwardness. We all want the best for DS and the more people who can support him the better.
I know you're not going to send it. But if you did OW would love the fact that you'd used the phrase 'tri parenting'. It gives her equal status as a parent.
lol! You are so much nicer than I am, though!
so. I'm so totally not! but I am so TIRED of all of this, killing with 'kindness' may be an option. essentially in true 'script' style I imagine OW has been fed and is continued to be fed the I am demented hideous ex whom she saved ex-dh from. anything arsey is playing into their hands as proof positive of the medusa type figure I have and how driven by bitterness and spite I continue to be (a constant meme)...frankly, I'm exhausted of it all and I'm only reading this shit. Imagine the effort it takes to actually come up with it.
If I had left ds for my 'soul mate' and was blissfully happy I think I'd be considered a particularly sick puppy if I made ex send emails about our son to 'email@example.com'. Juvenile, nasty and - at the age of 45 in senior management role - frankly 'mental'. Whilst the 'fault' in all this is ex-DH again, if Kenny and I were living in McMansion love-nest heaven and Kenny suggested that email to his ex-wife had to be sent to both of us I'd be woah partner, that is not nice. Just forward them to me if I need to know or bitch etc....tbh I'd be annoyed that he was investing so much time in fucking with his ex and wouldn't want to be in the frontline anyway however much mary fucking poppins I was when I was with his kids.
what I'd really like to say is. "Joint-emails? really? how retro! I'm guessing its because you two have some trust issues in relation to me going on or that you are delegating parental responsibility to OW. If its the latter lets talk about the time you spend with DS if you are too busy with work etc. If its neither of the above, then the only other logical explanation is to be vindictive in some kind of exhausting campaign to 'rub my nose' in your new family and I'm assuming that this isn't something you would waste time on given we have been divorced for well over a year".....
Actually I rather like your suggested email to OW: 'as one mum to another... your DS sounds lovely' - because it's really quite likely that it's your XH with the most invested in setting you and her up as enemies and getting round that will annoy him - and maybe help progress towards making life easier all round.
You might yet end up in a situation where XH has fucked off chasing his own dick elsewhere and you and the current OW have become friends, with her a kind of extra 'auntie' in his life.
What sGB said. I think the email is a good idea!
I can't see this relationship lasting, Dolly as it's almost as if they are engaged in the hysterical bonding that is a common phenomena after discovery of infidelity in a spouse/partner.
is so up himself and she are so loved up it's inevitable that the rosy specs they use to behold each other will drop off in spectacular (no pun intended) fashion and their joint disillusionment will have a knock-on effect on their sycophants cronies.
In short, a crystal ball is not needed to see that the fall-out from the end of his relationship with her will have more far-reaching consequences for him than the end of your marriage in terms of the egg that's left on his face.
As for timing, I'll hazard a guess that maybe around July/August when Oz's winter blues set in will prove to be a testing time for them and their relationship will fail to made the grade.
I tend to agree that he is trying too hard to make everything sound permanent and settled. I'd be wary of sending emails which were different to what you sent before. Just having her name on the new address doesn't mean her status has changed in terms of communicating about DS.
I know its infuriating for you but think before you send anything. Keep it as unemotional as you can. The things you would like to say are best kept for face to face as written words can be misunderstood/twisted/taken out of context. You don't know what he is saying to her so this may be a ploy to make you look bad... "she's taken the bait of the new email address..."
There are no easy answers here. I would consider keeping the status quo in terms of your DS and how you communicate with 'Kenny'. He's not the brightest spark and is putting all his energy in trying to wind you up - wonder why that is? If a relationship is that great, you don't have to keep telling everyone because its there for everyone to see.
Didn't she move to be with him? Hmm... can't see that being easy for her or her child either...
I agree that joint emails are quite sad and I am afraid my opinion of couples always dips if I am offered a joint email address. It smacks of insecurity and lack of trust or some wish to present yourself as so in wuv that you are just one collective blog of coupledom, which I don't think is healthy or wise.
I think your email was good but sadly I don't think it will get you anywhere. They are both clearly heavily invested on being the Happiest Family Evah that I think anything you say will be twisted and you will just get sucked further into this breast beating couples display.
I would pity them from afar and keep it brief, cool and courteous. Meanwhile placing a little bet with myself about when this relationship goes tits up. I would give it a year. The imagine the satisfaction you will fee when they have to change email addresses again!
Is English his native tongue, Dolly? You mentioned moving to his home country, is there any possibility his turn of phrase is related to his language if English not his mother tongue <clutches at straws>?
Guessing probably not. He's just an arse. As demonstrated by new email. He sounds v insecure about his new relationship and desperate to make it seem solid and perfect.
I would not be able to resist the odd "what time will you be returning DS to his family (me)?"
And a "good idea for a new email address just for correspondence between us. I have set up a new address too, please use this for all further correspondence relating to DS and I will inform the school too firstname.lastname@example.org"
I also think your sensible, practical approach is a very sound one, just in case any of this does end up in court. Even if you don't address OW directly, if you think she's reading the emails would keep it simple:
"Please thank OW on my behalf for enabling access to health account. Also wanted to explore whether she might be willing to organise for DS to attend football practice. As a mum, am sure she appreciates the importance of etc etc. It also seems like an appropriate time for us to meet and would be beneficial for all of us, in particular for DS if his respective families could attend school functions amicably. I can see she is involved with DS and am sure if the situation was reversed, she would wish to meet any significant partner of her ex who might be spending time with her DS. Is the objection to us meeting yours or hers?"
You must have the patience of Mother Theresa in triplets. These messages and his attitude would drive the sanest of sane, insane!
In my view, not noticing his tactics is by far the most annoying and passive-aggressive stance you can take - and if this sentence, "annoying and passive-aggressive" are meant as terms of approval. It's not even a question of being Noble and Rising Above it, it's giving him the impression you don't even register it at all.
That said, the "killing with kindness" thing is an interesting approach. If you go down that route, let us know if it works!
Cheese. Sadly English is his native language so no excuse. He is also fairly intelligent/educated - as I believe OW is - so no excuse really!!
Nickname - fear not as I agree with you - I am 100% not responding but using here as a way to VENT without boring RL peeps into atrophy and loosing my mind! I think the raft of 'his family, our family, his brother' comments annoying as they were were sort of factual slash meant in a mean way but the joint email - which I know is only for me (unless they really do have zero self awareness as broadly speaking, and hope I don't offend people but I personally - even before this - think joint emails are the noughties equivalent of the wayne and jayne neon strip over the front windowscreen of a Datsun Cherry in the 80's) - is just straight out embarrassing and pathetic. Given the technology available (and ex-DH works in the tech space) he would know how to redirect emails so if for practical reasons she wanted to receive them too without the <OW and DH name>. To make matters 100% cringeworthy her name (which isn't formal) is also 'shortened' so her nickname and his name <shudder>. It is also an abbreviation that would not be a 'natural' one - ie not a susan to sue or katherine to kathy. More of a Dolly to Doll type of thing which you would never dream of using to someone unless you knew them and they had told you too....I like the fact that her name is first too....I'm almost wondering btw if she even knows about this email address or if its just a 'front' by ex to annoy me. Maybe I hang out with 'different' types but I would be mortified to have somones ex have to use a joint email to me if I had not met them. Mind you I wouldn't shag a married man either so hey ho...
In the meantime, I am childishly amusing myself by changing the default 'name' that comes into my computer to another (they don't see this - just for my benefit)....oh the permutations that are possible ; )
Hee, hee, anything that puts a smile on your face when you see the name popping up! Vent away, m'dear. I can just picture those two out jogging in their matching shellsuits.
Nickname. Ashamed to admit but current one (as default because of their 'official' OWandEx@ so prompts me to change it to x and x) is Cunty Cuntofferson and Collagen Lips. Childish? Moi?
(by the way I did a test with another work email I have to make doubly sure that it is for my eyes only....; )
Disclaimer: Never said or typed the C-word outloud pre-divorce....not big or clever and actually a bit of a feminist so broadly don't approve of using as a negative but needs must....
Join the discussion
Please login first.