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So you suspected he was cheating, how did you confront it?

(38 Posts)
Coffeepotfortwo Sun 10-Feb-13 22:05:38

First time poster on MN and medium-term lurker, posting here for some wisdom and advice. I?ve been married for seven years and we have three DC.

In last two months or so my DH has been surgically attached to his mobile to point where I have become suspicious, constantly texting, never leaves room without it, takes it to bathroom, to the kitchen if getting a drink, taking the rubbish out. My suspicions peaked last week; he received several text messages 1am/3am while we were in bed. He was in a deep sleep and did not hear message come through, I was awake and saw a message had come from a woman he had never mentioned. I was not able to read the message as his phone was locked so cannot say what message said. This morning, he left his phone unlocked and I saw a message from same woman saying ?wow, what a sexy picture you sent me?.

DH has many platonic female friends which he talks about all the time so please do not assume I am being jealous. He does not travel for work and is home on time most nights so not sure where he could fit time for a physical affair. So perhaps, he is having an emotional affair or a flirtation which will probably lead to full blown physical affair.

My health is not good, I am undergoing chemotherapy and my prognosis is very positive. DH has been very supportive throughout my treatment and I have tried to keep as much normality as possible for DC and him. I don?t feel very strong emotionally or physically right but need to ask the question. Of course, he will say it is entirely innocent, but my instincts tell me it is not. I am hugely upset but I am trying to keep calm. I need to gather evidence. His telephone has PIN and I don't know passwords to any email accounts. What should I do.

Ahhhcrap Sun 10-Feb-13 22:09:37

Always trust your gut instinct!

Not a huge amount of advice, but personally I'd be gathering evidence, emails, Facebook, receipts, phone bills and if course his phone.

I wouldn't say anything just yet. Unless you have proof he could just deny it then be loads more careful.

But all in all, it's a shit thing to do (if he is up to anything) and I hope everything goes ok and it's not what you suspect

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 10-Feb-13 22:11:57

Hmmm...

I was going to say that I am almost surgically attached to my phone, I take it everywhere. I MN, check emails, read the news...

But the text about a sexy picture is pretty comprehensive. I just can't think of a possible explanation for that.

As for what to do...I'm not an expert, but if there is no easy way for you to access his phone or emails, you could just ask him to use/look at his phone? He might be a bit put out, but he should hand it over if there is nothing suspicious on it. If he refuses, or walks off and offers it later, then you'll know what you need to know. Otherwise, check internet history if you can?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

So sorry you are going through this, you seem to have enough on your plate already. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. But, you need to get some concrete proof before you confront him, otherwise he will lie his way out of it.

I would be tempted to make up a reason why I need to use his phone immediately and see if he is willing to hand it over unlocked or give you the pin. Then wander off with it and have a look through. If he refuses I think your fears will be confirmed, but I would still keep playing my cards close to my chest and seek firm evidence.

I hope you are wrong, but I suspect not.

BeforeAndAfter Sun 10-Feb-13 22:20:26

I'm so sorry OP. Could you check the mileage on the car? If his daily commute to the station/office is X miles then on the days when he sees her (if he does) it will be more. My ex was sloppy with the GPS so I was able to confirm my suspicions by checking his most recent journeys. I knew his passwords and PIN so was able to confirm my suspicions that way too. Are you sure you don't know them? People tend to be creatures of habit and re-use the same, or similar, passwords. Thinking of you. x

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 08:23:23

We say on here always trust your instincts. So sorry that its all happening when you are so ill - what a selfish shit he is sad

Suddenly becoming attached to your phone is a red flag.

I would do some more snooping around if you can and then confront him. Ask him to hand over the phone if he is serious about reassuring you and being committed to the marriage - ignore him if he says you are paranoid and invading his privacy.

Don't leave it too long as the stress will not be good for you. I would also confide in someone in real life as you will need the support.

McBuckers Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:50

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I became suspicious when my husband started getting up in the night and I'd find him in the garden on the phone. A little bit of snooping later revealed an email from him to the OW saying how much he loved her.

Two weeks later he left me and our three children to move in with her.

Always trust your instincts.

aftereight Mon 11-Feb-13 10:21:06

Trust your gut feeling. You say you 'suspect' he is cheating, but surely that text you saw is proof? So look for more evidence, and whether you find any or not, you can say to him "I know what's going on" and then let him fill the silence. Not a pleasant conversation, but the only way to get things into the open.
Hope it goes ok.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 10:52:45

That text is pretty unequivocal, isn't it ?

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Feb-13 10:59:41

So sorry, the text seems hard evidence to me.

Have you some support other than him? Could you confide in them and seek practical help if your suspicions are correct?

I would not be able to keep quiet. But that's me. I would confront and kick him out so he could reflect on it all (putting it politely there....), but I realise that might not be practical for you atm.

Coffeepotfortwo Mon 11-Feb-13 11:40:04

Thanks for your replies and support.

I heard another message came through on his phone late last night. I have spent time this morning trying to access facebook and email accounts - to no avail. It looks like I will not have success gathering evidence and I know when I confront him he will deny everything. I hate snooping and by doing so I the balance of trust between us has shifted.

I thought we had a happy relationship and while last months have been stressful for both of us with my health, life has gone on pretty much as usual with family outings with DC, meals, lots of chats and time together and sex (not as frequent as pre-treatment). As I said in first post, he has been very supportive through my treatment but maybe being confronted with mortality has made him think 'life is short and have fun while you can'. He is a kind and loving man and an amazing father to our 3 DC. Many of my friends and family say how great his is.

I am a calm and rational person but not sure how much longer I can keep my upset in. So maybe I say to him, 'I have heard mesages coming through late at night and I want to see your telephone'. His reaction will be informative. My letting him know that I am suspicious will force him to act. I don't want to issue an ultimatium about severing contact - I suspect that will make texting even more attractive to him but I want to make it clear to him that I am not going to roll over and accept it just because I am not well. If the relationship is not already physical - it is only a matter of time before it is.

Anyway, I feel pretty down today, more of my hair has fallen out and I feel less than attractive. I know it will grow back but I look in the mirror and don't recognise the person staring back. I could so do without this extra stress and need to focus on getting back to full health.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 11:43:28

I am really sorry, coffee

If this extra stress is going to affect you on top of everything else, then you need to get it out in the open x

Skyebluesapphire Mon 11-Feb-13 11:44:14

Sorry, but agree, trust your gut instinct. As soon as I saw an email from XH to OW with a flirty comment in it, my heart sank, because XH was not a flirt....

I didn't pick up on it all until after he left, because I trusted him and he was always on his phone for work, but after he left, I discovered they were texting over 100 times a day, and emailing etc. his phone was glued to him. He slept with it, he wouldn't let me near it and kept it on silent all the time.

I would say that the text that you have seen is proof enough. nobody sends people sexy pictures unless there is something going on.

I am so sorry that you have this to deal with while you are ill and your H is a prize shit.

Please do tell a trusted friend or family member and get some support, then decide what you want to do.

badinage Mon 11-Feb-13 11:52:06

Why does he lock his phone in the first place? And if he does, how come the password is secret to you, his wife? Is that a new thing or has he always been so anal about privacy, even from his own wife?

I too think that text seals it. I don't see why you'd have a problem telling him to stop texting another woman like that. He wouldn't be too impressed if you were doing the same and you'd think he was a right wuss if he didn't insist you stopped eh?

I can see the stuff about mortality reminders, but it is really disgusting to do this to your wife when she's at her lowest ebb, isn't it? I do think some bastards will do this to women when they know she can't up sticks easily e.g when she's pregnant or very ill.

Does he get phone bills that you can access?

I think it would be a good idea to get him to hand over the phone before he's had the chance to delete anything. But when he does, don't look at it in front of him. Take your time going through it. If photos were mentioned, he's probably saved them and chances are she's sent at least one back.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 11:54:26

* I hate snooping and by doing so I the balance of trust between us has shifted.*

The balance of trust changed the moment you found his text - all his doing and you are entitled to snoop as a result of that text. That text can't be interpreted as innocent at all. He has already crossed a few lines to get to that stage and he made the choice at each and every step to cross the line.

I agree you can't leave things too long and what you have suggested is a good one - be prepared for him to get defensive and call you paranoid etc and act all wounded.

rootypig Mon 11-Feb-13 12:16:29

OP I am sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though you've tried to support DH and DCs through your illness - what a bastard to repay you in this way.

I agree with aftereight, if the question is how to confront him, this is great advice - if you think he will deny everything, as you say he will, then you need to call his bluff. Don't make specific accusations that show the limits of what you know, and betray your uncertainty. Say, 'I know what's going on' with a very direct stare, and then say nothing more. If he tries to bluff, you need to hold firm: 'please don't keep lying to me', 'do you think I'm an idiot', 'our relationship is on hold until you tell me the truth' - until he cracks. Invoke DCs. Sounds terribly manipulative but you need to push him to the point where he confesses all. hold your nerve.

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 12:18:20

I'm so sorry you're going through this, coffee, now of all times. But I was very pleased to read that your long-term prognosis is good.

The fact that he is doing this when you are ill should make you even angrier and more determined, in my opinion.

I would confront him very directly - eg "Who is she?" "I know all about your affair". Catch him offguard and don't give him chance to talk about work colleagues, "harmless flirting" etc etc.

almostanotherday Mon 11-Feb-13 12:38:03

Could you ask to use his phone to call your phone as you have "lost" it and watch when he enters his PIN number?

monkeyisback Mon 11-Feb-13 12:50:09

Coffee, so sorry that you're going through all this worry, it's the last thing you need right now.

Is there perhaps a mutual friends number that you both have on your phones? If so you could say yours has run out of juice and ask him directly what his code is so you can get the number from his phone? My dh also has a code on his phone, but for security - not because he's hiding anything.

I do so hope your gut feeling is wrong this time x

Locketjuice Mon 11-Feb-13 12:51:26

Take his phone and ask for the pin if he refuses question him further then ask him out right what he is hiding... If he does give you his pin I would just say I had seen the text and want to know what the fucks going on if he won't tell you you will ring the number he recieved the text from and get answers?

Snappedwife Mon 11-Feb-13 12:56:54

I am so sorry you are going through this.

What you describe is very similar to how I discovered my H affair/s.

I tried snooping and had some successes and some fails. I too could not access certain accounts online due to lack of passwords. I did have some success though.

If you wish to continue snooping then all I can suggest is what I did and where I looked and some of these did hold further evidence. Like you I could not fathom where in the day H could find the hours to see anyone else but my digging further it seemed he was not working quite as many hours as I thought and that it was not an affair he was having but sex with random women chatted up online. In other words he could have a quick shag in his lunch break or on the way home from work because there was no dating/chatting up in RL involved - all that had been done online so when he met up with these women it literally was for pre arranged sex - he could be in and out within an hour. Shocking yes and I am not saying this is what your DH is doing but explaining that "no spare time for an affair" like I initially thought can be something no too good.

I unconvered various bits of evidence by going through his stuff, car etc with a fine tooth comb. Some stuff I found on their own meant nothing but when eventually peiced together - added up. I search pockets, not just pockets of the clothes he wore that day or day to day but every single pocket of every item he had in the wardrobe. Inside an old suit pocket not worn for years I found a mobile phone charger (later found to be for his shag mobile - as I called it).

Other places were his car - Behind panels of the door, under the carpet - in the rear light cavity on the boot I found a stasch of condoms.

I started keeping a note of days and times. I checked the mileage on the car, bank statements and reciepts. A petrol receipt also confirmed something else I had found. Look for cash withdrawals - is he buying petrol at a different petrol station to usual, not quite on his way home etc etc.

I snooped over a period of weeks and at the end of it had alot of evidence but still huge gaps. I could not carry on snooping - I was making myself ill. So I do not recommend doing this long term - maybe you can gain something from my search tips if it helps, but with you feeling so stressed take care of yourself and know when to stop.

Other places I looked included the loo cystern, behind bath panels, his workbench area of the garage and event the attic.

I would think long and hard about how you will confront him. I personally don't think laying all your cards in the first instance is the way to go. You only have to read any "I think my DH is having an affair" thread on here to see that those that do come away with more questions and doubt than those that hold back.

In my case (and many others on mumsnet) he will usually deny initially then only admit to what he thinks you know. I call it "operation damage limitation" on behalf of the cheating husband. Confront with snippets but dont explain your sources, let him speak. Its hard and its hurtful. I probably still dont know ALL of my H infidelity and fact surrounding it. I discovered a fair bit myself and he told me more - by my careful questioning and forcing facts out of him by confronting with evidence. Few men lay their cards fully on the table. But I knew when enough was enough - the rest didnt matter (except my sad obsession to know) - the line had been crossed for our marriage and that was that.

My experience is based on the fact my H was cheatuing. Ofcourse - your may not be - although some of what you say needs explaining.

Hope I have not bored you - was trying to give you some support and tips.

Hugs OP - hope its not as bad as it seems right now.

Ahhhcrap Mon 11-Feb-13 14:37:11

A quick question does your husband have an iPhone? If he does he will have had to set his message setting to NOT show the body of the text on the front screen whilst its locked.

It will have been a conscious change on his part to keep the message private.

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 19:11:00

Coffee - I know just how you feel - I had a funny feeling something was going on with my partner and this morning he forgot to pick his mobile phone up and I checked his messages - and there were lots from a work colleague he has been helping with problems at work - they have told each other that they love each other - lots of lines of kisses - and I have confronted him today because he is off sick - we have been rowing all day - big rows - he has just been in to say to me that he thinks of her as his daughter - he does love her but 'only as you would love another human being' . I have taken to my bed at present - and I have just retired on a pittance what will 'retirement' mean to me - he has cried - and is busy working himself up into hysteria - being sick at the minute wants me to look after him - now what?!

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 19:18:16

Yw, now what?

Tell the snivelling piece of shit to fuck off

It's the only appropriate response to that, imo

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 19:21:16

Yup, tell him to fuck off.

Love her like a daughter - oh yeah hmm he must think you are stupid and desperate to want to stay and look after him hmm

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