Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice needed - OW problems resurfacing.

(125 Posts)
Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:35:33

My husband of 22 years had an emotional affair about a year ago. A woman friend (married without children) came to him and told him she was in love with him, had been forever. He / we were going through a difficult time with work, money shortages, his mother dying and general day-to-day shite. They had lots of things in common and she said that they were soul mates, destined to be together blah blah blah. She said she knew how to help him find happiness ( yoga teacher) and that her love was 'unconditional'. Like an idiot he got hooked on the escapism and flattery. It went on for a couple of months; clandestine meetings and a kiss. It all came to a crashing halt when I felt suspicious and listened to a message on his phone, telling him that her husband had found out and had asked her to leave. DH admitted what had been going on and I was absolutely devastated. He wrote to her severing all contact the next morning.

Since then has undergone a year of counselling, endless soul searching and as a result everything is much better between us now. He's even started going to church - bit weird for me as I don't go, but I can see it helps him. It has been a very, very rocky road but one that we've both tried very hard to steer a course on with the help of the brilliant Shirley Glass book. He's far from innocent is this but I do believe it was a strange period of madness that he regrets very much. We've managed to keep this from the children. So far so good.

That is until last week. They both work in the same street but he has managed to avoid any contact for 12 months. Last week she flipped in the street, shouting that he couldn't treat her like this and that she could make everything very difficult for him. She insisted her love had been 'unconditional' and had never meant to hurt anyone. This is in spite of her husband marching her to the park and showing her a family with young children, pointing out that this is what she was trying to break up. She said to DH that he 'must hate her to treat her this way'. Actually he's scared that if acknowledges her then I will be upset and we will take a step backwards. In order to calm her down he said that he didn't hate her but he had to go. She calm down immediately. He came back, got himself into a state about it and then told me. It's all feeling a bit bunny boiler. A friend of mine says she's nut and needs to be 'managed', i.e we need to stop ignoring her. This fills me with dread in case she tries a range of irritating spiritual hypocritical excuses to worm her way back into our lives. What do you think? By the way, I hate her with the fury of seven hells ;) but I know it's not good for me and I look forward to the day when she is a dim and distant memory.

Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 22:24:05

Wow Anyfucker it's not just me though is it? You're here too for example.

That post is so littered with inaccuracies I don't know where to start....

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 22:28:14

You are asked for advice. It's entirely up to you what you do with it.

Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 22:34:35

Lots of the 'advice' on here is about how naive I must be and what a terrible person my DH is. Very little of it is advice on the subject I actually asked about which was....oh, you know what, I can't be bothered..... Thank you to all those who helped. I appreciate it. For the others, I really hope that if you find yourself in a similar situation it works out. But you WILL need to bend in the wind.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 22:47:40

No, you are asking us to join you in your wholesale condemnation of the mad and kooky OW and to have some sympathy for your conniving H

Not going to happen...

TheOwlService Sun 10-Feb-13 23:06:35

Spot on.

I feel sorry for the kooky one. There is probably more to it all than meets the eye and the OP probably isnt in the loop.

Feckthehalls Sun 10-Feb-13 23:21:50

OP you and your husband sound like sensible, decent individuals who have worked through a (big) blip in an otherwise happy life together.

I don't think you have too much to worry about.

IGNORE Mrs Woo.
good luck x

Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:23:58

Thank you Feck.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 10-Feb-13 23:23:58

I can totally understand the way you must be feeling.

As others have suggested keep a log of any further incidents. Twelve months on and ow makes a rather impressive reappearance. This must have been a pretty big blow.

FWIW I would feel exactly the same with regards to the ow. Yes your dh was a complete idiot and is very lucky to have you in his life still but the ow isn't blameless, she knew about you and your children.

I would find it hard knowing dp worked in the same street as the ow so you've done pretty well coming to terms with the fact that this is just the way it is and then this happens! I'd be fuming tbh.

Ignore her and log this and any further incidents.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Feb-13 23:24:27

I don't know. I think it's entirely possible the OW is a kooky pain in the arse.

But what strikes me is that this really ought not to be a problem if you feel you can trust him to robustly defend your marriage. So either there is something going on, or he is secretly liking the attention, or he is a bit of a wuss who needs someone or something else to sort out his problems. What is he frightened of? The worst is over - you know about the affair.

What I think he should do is take control rather than leaving you to do all the worrying. And that means telling her straight out that he loves you, is with you, then if she takes it further contact the police about harassment.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Feb-13 23:26:47

Lilly

Sorry I sound a bit harsh. I don't men to sound harsh to you. I completely get what you are saying. I have also been married a long time and know these things happen, and can be got over.

Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:27:20

He's more of a wuss i think but he tells me he's rehearsed his "I love my wife, please go away speech" in case she does something similar again.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Feb-13 23:29:25

Good luck. I am off to bed now smile

MajesticWhine Mon 11-Feb-13 07:06:24

Jamie has it right. DH should be the one doing the worrying here, and dealing with her very robustly.
By the way, just re-read your OP - clandestine meetings and a kiss - so he didn't actually shag her then? Perhaps this is the secret that has yet to get out and that's why she could "make everything very difficult for him". Are you confident you have the whole truth?

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 08:31:33

Morning. Majestic - other than cross questioning him like about a thousand times, no. For him the line was sex, for me the line was the deceit. I've made it clear that sex isn't the deal-breaker here and he's been given plenty of opportunities to fess up. You have to remember that we've been together since our late teens and the idea of having sex with anyone else is a big commitment. He described it as 'all very restrained' ( other than her enthusiastic announcement of long unrequited love) which I think was part of the thrill. They only actually met a handful of times and mostly with other people there. Yes, he must deal with her, it's the only way. I can see that now. It's just that 'kooky' appears to be a bit of a loose cannon and a year down the line it has shaken both of us. Maybe she really DID love him, or at least an idea of what he was. In which case maybe the quote "love has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing" holds true. I DO trust him not to go back to her, I just don't understand why she's still pursuing him when he is clearly not interested.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 08:40:12

Looksgoodingravy - thank you for being understanding. Sometimes I see her and I don't understand why she doesn't want to hide. I think in her shoes I would probably want to move away. It must be painful, seeing him and me still together when you've done your level best to put a spanner in the works, when you offered everything 'unconditionally'. When the truth came out, he dropped her like a hot stone. Not very gallant, but I can't say I'm not glad. I'm trying to understand her not for him, but so I can stop hating her. It's really hard but tbh it would be a lot easier if she would fuck off somewhere else or stop glaring at me. Maybe I will start keeping that log.....

kalidanger Mon 11-Feb-13 08:51:08

He's lying.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 08:56:30

Kalidanger - thank you for your input sighs wearily again

50shadesofgreyhair Mon 11-Feb-13 09:03:49

Lilly - do you think that you and your husband could confront her together?

A suggestion to consider: he contacts her and arranges to meet her for coffee. Unknown to her, you go too. You both sit her down, but hubby does all the talking. He tells her in no uncertain terms that he wants no contact with her again, and that his love is for you and you only. Then you both get up and leave.

Would that be possible?

Good luck, you're a mature, intelligent woman and know the ins and outs of your marriage better than anyone. No one really knows what goes on in marriages, and nor should they, so we can't, and I certainly won't, judge your decision, or try to dig deeper.

Saffy

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 09:18:07

50 - lovely message, thank you. I have thought about this but my heart races at the very idea. Honestly I don't think I could bear being in the same room as them both. I have a horrible feeling she would try to extend the 'healing hand of friendship' to me. This is probably the grown up approach I suppose. It would be very hard for me not to say anything. It would be very hard not to want to hit her with a chair (grin). The thrust of this is that she still sees no harm in telling a married man of her true feelings for him and offering him an alternative, no strings attached. I have a problem with that. I know it's all his fault for walking through the door, but as someone who trades in apparent well-being, I just don't understand what on earth she was thinking.

izzyizin Mon 11-Feb-13 09:25:45

It seems to me that what you've proposed is degrading to both women, Saffy, and is unlikely to achieve anything other than an exercise in boosting the twat's ego futility which is unlikely to be enhanced by the sweeping violins of a Hollywood movie when he makes his pre-rehearsed declaration of undying love for Lilley.

Furthermore, the ow may leave any such meeting convinced that 'he wouldn't have said those things without Lilley's hand being up his arse' or that having to have Lilley write his speech present means that he cannot trust himself to be alone with her and therefore she's still in with a chance... if only she can get past the goalkeeper.

If you're tempted to go down that path, Lilley, may I suggest you organise a tug of war on the local playing field with him as the prize awarded to whichever of you can drag him into over the line as this would be a be a far more dignified solution than coffee pour trois when the trois is under the illusion she's meeting him for cafe a deux.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 09:37:41

I don't want to be the goalkeeper. I have been and honestly If I hadn't God only knows how far all of this would have gone. But I don't want to do it any more. I think there's lots of good stuff in what Saffy says but at the same time it is very possible that she will see me as being that 'wall' again. Am I mad? Is it ok to tell a married platonic friend that you have always loved them and that it's your destiny to be together? That you are prepared to be there for them at any cost?

50shadesofgreyhair Mon 11-Feb-13 09:39:30

Izzy, you're being a bit dramatic me thinkssmile

He isn't a prize being fought over, the winner is his wife, who has said clearly that she has done a lot of soul searching, knows her marriage, knows the man, and is determined to stand by him, in the words of the old song. So that's her choice. Lilly - the point of what I suggested is that you don't enter into dialogue with her, but that you are there with your husband, a united front, and he states calmly and clearly what is going to happen. Then you walk away. It requires no explanation, no hurling chairs (although I know you naturally could do this) and no tit for tat tug of war playground crap. There is no competition, there was a man who made a mistake, and the woman he made it trying to stir up trouble. If I was her, nothing would get the message across to me more than the man I wanted, telling me calmly and clearly that it is all over and that she is to leave him alone, and his wife standing as cool as cucumber by his side as he said it. Then they both get up and walk away. A united front, a cool, calm direct message, and you go.

That's what I would do, for what it's worth.
Saffy

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 09:57:02

Yes, the battle was a while ago and she lost unequivocally. It wasn't even a battle really as it was a no-brainer. He didn't love her at all, but the illicit thrill and flattery was addictive. She's not exactly a minger either. Shameful I know, but people aren't perfect. My moral compass is fierce and it's probably hard to live up to. Before everybody gets all upset saying I'm making excuses, that is what you have to do to a certain extent in all long-term marriages, otherwise it just won't work. The key is to know the difference between being understanding and being a proper patsy. I don't think I am being a patsy.

MajesticWhine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:57:38

No of course it's not ok. She's bang out of order. And she needs to be told in words of one syllable. I quite like Saffy's idea too. But there is a risk that doing something like this will feed OW's obsession, and that she will quite enjoy the drama.

MajesticWhine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:59:37

Sorry, that was a response to the earlier post, not the one just now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now