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Am I right to think hmmmmmmmmmm?

(58 Posts)
Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 15:24:22

Can anyone tell me what they think of this

A few months ago oh got involved in sexting some young woman (he's 60) and everything went apeshit when I found out. However after a long marriage which seemed too much to chuck away I've stuck with him, and since then things have got a lot better with constant little messages from him telling me how much he loves me, nice times and holidays planned and other good stuff

After what happened I used to check his email facebook and stuff, but haven't done it for ages. But yesterday something made me check again, and there's a message to another friend saying he's created a new email address "if you want to chat on that" I know about this friend, he's never hidden that he messages her, and has even mentioned me (nicely) in a lot of them, so there shouldn't be a problem

Thing is, they used that new address for about 6 messages then just went back to using facebook, so now I'm confused. Part of me thinks ok, maybe fb was glitching, but then why not use his usual personal email, why create a new one that he's never mentioned. There are also no other messages on it to anyone at all. The obvious thing is just to ask him, but should I keep it to myself for now and monitor if anything else gets sent on it?

Tell me if I'm just being stupid and there's an obvious explanation I haven't thought of, but right now I'm totally confused and feeling a bit uncertain and I'd be grateful for anyone's opinion

fiventhree Wed 13-Feb-13 17:24:56

And whilst I'm on a rant (!), he presumably is too old to manage a change in his living arrangements, too.

See what I mean? We can all manage some change, if we try, and often we have to. As you have.

Sorry for the row of posts- your h has tried the same line as mine, and really it doesnt wash!

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 13-Feb-13 17:25:51

It's a fair point, HotChoc, though I'm not going to be able to change the "man of few words" which he is, into a touchy-feely, let-it-all-hang-out type. That would be to change his entire personality and he's a bit old for that!

Its not about completely changing him, its about addressing certain character failings - selfishness, sense of entitlement, arrogance etc. He is selfishly putting his own needs first - of course its easier for him not to have to open up and to have things swept under the carpet. This is one of the main reasons why they cheat again and again.

Also I have to say that its amazing how these men of few words manage to have meaningful and deep exchanges with the OW hmm

fiventhree Wed 13-Feb-13 17:35:06

Mad, it amazes me that any bloke can claim to be too bashful to acknowledge his deeper motives to his own wife, yet instant message all kinds to girls young enough to be their daughters, plus a decade.

Wondered about that alot, as you know.

I do wonder when the original incident happened Op. Because I took your view when it happened to me, 15 months ago, and now I occasionally can feel pure rage about it, even tough most of the time I forget it. It doesnt just go away for the not talking, it makes it worse over time, and therefore in our case we still sometimes have to talk about it.

So dont be afraid to open it up again.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 13-Feb-13 18:02:32

five - yup hmm

Its so easy for men to come out with stuff about how hard it is to talk about feelings and women to put up with this crap.

OP - your H has no choice really if he wants to prove that he is committed to you. He fucked up and he needs to clean up the mess he made....and that means having to talk about "feelings".

Puzzledandpissedoff Wed 13-Feb-13 18:58:51

Hmmm - thanks, fiveinthree and HotChoc, you make some very valid points there. The sexting he did was last summer (I found out on 2 November, a day I'll never forget) and admittedly he didn't have any face to face stuff to deal with as it was all on the net, but that's not the point

It also sickened me that we were on holiday during the period it was happening. Of course he swore that he didn't send any then, but I'm not that stupid, and it's hard to look at the holiday pics of his smiling face and think "yes, and you were betraying me that day"

As I said - hmmmmmm ....

Puzzledandpissedoff Wed 13-Feb-13 19:02:18

Forgot to mention I have to go out in a bit - this is very kind of you all, so please don't think I'm being rude if I don't respond tonight :-)

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Thu 14-Feb-13 13:21:36

So have you spoken to him about him still messaging other women? I wonder what his reaction to that would be...

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 14-Feb-13 17:27:20

I certainly have, Elephant - though I should explain the girl he was emailing honestly isn't my issue here, she's waaaaaaayyyy too young. It's more about him having a new email address AT ALL, so I've laid it out plainly about boundaries, in case the emailing habit should spread any further

Of course he replied that "he hasn't done anything wrong" which may well be true at this exact moment, but my remarks about it all still needed saying. It's a bit hard to know what else I can do at the moment, but at least he's in no doubt as to what will happen if he makes any further mistakes ...

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