Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I right to think hmmmmmmmmmm?

(58 Posts)
Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 15:24:22

Can anyone tell me what they think of this

A few months ago oh got involved in sexting some young woman (he's 60) and everything went apeshit when I found out. However after a long marriage which seemed too much to chuck away I've stuck with him, and since then things have got a lot better with constant little messages from him telling me how much he loves me, nice times and holidays planned and other good stuff

After what happened I used to check his email facebook and stuff, but haven't done it for ages. But yesterday something made me check again, and there's a message to another friend saying he's created a new email address "if you want to chat on that" I know about this friend, he's never hidden that he messages her, and has even mentioned me (nicely) in a lot of them, so there shouldn't be a problem

Thing is, they used that new address for about 6 messages then just went back to using facebook, so now I'm confused. Part of me thinks ok, maybe fb was glitching, but then why not use his usual personal email, why create a new one that he's never mentioned. There are also no other messages on it to anyone at all. The obvious thing is just to ask him, but should I keep it to myself for now and monitor if anything else gets sent on it?

Tell me if I'm just being stupid and there's an obvious explanation I haven't thought of, but right now I'm totally confused and feeling a bit uncertain and I'd be grateful for anyone's opinion

scarletforya Sun 10-Feb-13 15:40:55

I think it's supicious too OP. You're no being supid. Far from it.

Dryjuice25 Sun 10-Feb-13 16:09:49

If he has done it before then he can do it again. I'd keep an eye on it so you know whether he really meant it last time or he just told you what he thought you wanted to hear. mid life crisis bastard

MajesticWhine Sun 10-Feb-13 16:13:30

I would keep an eye on the email account, rather than mentioning it, but I am a suspicious type. It does sound like maybe he is looking for a chance to cheat.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird Sun 10-Feb-13 16:15:31

There's not much there to draw a conclusion on so if I were you I'd keep it quiet for now, if he is up to something then you don't want to show give it away too soon.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 10-Feb-13 17:49:47

There should be total transparency, no secrets and honesty and given his history its even more important that he is open about his friendships with the opposite sex and that he has well established boundaries...

No wonder you are very suspicious - I would think he is looking for new opportunities to cheat.

This is a good link that you may want to use should you decide to talk to him:

dondon33 Sun 10-Feb-13 18:35:23

No! your not being stupid, that's highly suspicious behaviour.
I would hold my tongue for now and continue monitoring until you have something concrete to confront him with. At the moment with nothing, he can give you any reason he wants and then become more secretive.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Sun 10-Feb-13 18:38:12

have you got to grips, both of you, with the reasons behind the other thing that happened? because until you do, you'll never be able to relax iyswim...he may well keep doing it.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 19:54:31

Thanks very much for everyone's great replies, and to HotChoc for that excellent link. The thing of keeping it to myself for now is what seemed best to me and because most of you say the same that's probably what I'll do. It's true that I can't accuse him of anything when there's nothing there, which is why I wondered if I was being silly. It's just that, after before, I suppose it's natural to wonder - I mean, what other reason is there to create another email account? I just can't think of one, unless anyone else can?

Rooney, he said at the time the sexting was just a bit of excitement which he wasn't proud of himself about. He's not a man who likes to keep dragging things up so he wouldn't appreciate me going on about it, and like I said he really has made much more of an effort since. As I told him though, a long term marriage can't compete with that kind of "excitement" and I've said clearly that he won't get a second chance

I suppose I just feel a bit unsteady at the moment :-(

Hassled Sun 10-Feb-13 19:59:47

I take it you've looked at the deleted messages folder for the new email account?
It is all bloody odd and it's not surprising that you're feeling wobbly - I think if that were my DH (i.e. even with no sexting history) I'd be very disconcerted. You do need to talk to him about it, but I think maybe bide your time for a bit first. Give it another couple of weeks and then have another look.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 20:06:54

I sure have Hassled! I've gone through every setting and folder on it I can discover and there's nothing on it at all except those few (harmless) messages they sent before returning to chat through facebook. I'm going to feel a fool now if it's really nothing, but I've got to be aware these days and it's just so damned ODD. If I say something now and it IS iffy, he could just create yet another email account I don't know about, so yes I'll keep schtum but keep looking

Slippersox Sun 10-Feb-13 20:09:42

Puzzled I am not able to say much at mo but will PM you in next day or two because several months after discovering my DH - in early 50s - had been flirting and developing a text / sext relationship with OW we had a big set back in recovery when I looked on his phone for first time in weeks and was upset by just one text.We got back on track again,but it was a major wobble.Almost worse than the original shock as I was struggling to rebuild trust.Every situation is different ,and I am no expert,just someone with a previousllong and happy marriage who was so badly hurt,but I will be in touch

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 20:12:47

Fool me once....

izzyizin Sun 10-Feb-13 20:19:05

It's called 'keeping a watching brief', honey. And it sounds as if you'll be best advised to keep it for the next 15 years or so unless your local vet will take care of him for you.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 20:21:53

Slippersox for pete's sake don't PM me at the moment. It goes to an email account he can see if he wants to, and I wouldn't want him to read what I've put while I'm trying to keep what I know to myself. Of course I could create another email account I suppose, but it would be a bit rich after what I've written about his!

Anyfucker, I don't understand the post, is there more of it which follows?

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 20:23:55

I like your bit about the vet, izzyizin! I hope it doesn't come to that though!

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 20:26:03


Keep an eye on but keep quiet.

Helltotheno Sun 10-Feb-13 20:26:46

unless your local vet will take care of him for you.

Bwaah hah!! You're evil you smile

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Is that it Any?
I agree too. Lord at his age you shouldn't have to be chasing him to make sure he's not chasing skirt. Does it never end?
Hardened cynic at this stage

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 20:29:26

Ah I see what the sentence means now, Helltotheno :-) And no I don't intend to get fooled again if I can possibly help it, like I said he won't get a second chance. As for his age, tell me about it! Maybe it's a middle age crisis after all, but that doesn't make me feel much better to be honest

izzyizin Sun 10-Feb-13 20:30:13

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'

If we all had to spend time cross-stitching this slogan on a cushion cover, we might be more inclined to remember it - and act on it.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 20:42:13

It doesn't mean you are a fool, love

I means heis the fool, and you are just a secondary role in his fuckwittery

Is that what you want ?

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 21:24:53

Definitely not, Any! Like I said if there's anything really going off here he's out, I won't go through that again. Okay so he did something stupid and cruel, he's honestly tried to make amends, but it's no use me pretending I can trust him like I did because I can't

Another thing that surprises me is that he's used his usual password for the new email account. I know it too and he's aware of that, so I'd have thought he'd pick another one if it was dodgy, but I just really, really hate having this hanging over me. Anyway I'll check it again and see what if anything happens

gruffalobore Sun 10-Feb-13 21:33:25

Sorry to hear you're going through this Puzzled. Just a thought - on this new email account did you try to recover any messages that were deleted from the deleted box (if that makes sense)?
Like you say it's suspicious when they could've just talked on facebook.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 10-Feb-13 21:40:15

Yes I did Gruffalo, I even went into the recycle bin on his laptop, and the only deleted stuff in there is harmless. Okay I'm no computer whizz, but neither is he and he'd struggle to do a really professional cover up job

Unlike when he was sexting that girl before, he's not possessive with his phone now either, in fact he lent it to me to try as I'm thinking of getting a blackberry too. What I really need here is a crystal ball !

gruffalobore Sun 10-Feb-13 21:44:22

I don't really want to go into why I needed to on here, but I once installed a key logger on the laptop that logged every key stroke and website that was made/visited. It was hidden on the computer and only the person who installs it can bring it up.
I don't think posters are a fan of it on here as it just leads to more feelings of distrust and paranoia. But as you are already looking at emails etc I guess it's no different. Just an idea so you can know for sure.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now