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Ex has no interest in dd

(7 Posts)
Insecure24 Sun 10-Feb-13 07:51:14

Title says it all. He hasn't seen her since beginning of november and prior to that their meeting have been about once every 3-4 weeks for 8hours. He's never had her overnight. Never sent an adhoc text or random phone call just to see how she is. No Christmas card or present. Went away for her birthday. Dd is 2.8. He pays £280 p/m CSA. Dd doesn't talk about him or ask to see him. For 2years I really tried to encourage him but now I can't be arsed it gets me nowhere. There is no court order btw. My dp has been around since dd was 19months and lives with us. Out of her own choice, she calls him daddy. And apart from the obvious biological factor he is in every way her daddy. Am I obliged to keep trying to maintain a link with real dad? Wwyd?

AbigailAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 08:10:48

Does your DD mind she isn't seeing her father? If not I wouldn't worry. You can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You could perhaps send him a last e-mail saying you have tried to facilitate contact but he seems to be uninterested. So you are leaving the ball in his court to initiate further contact. Put some dates in there for when the last contact was and mention missing Xmas and b'day. Then keep e-mail so you've got his behaviour written down.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 08:30:58

I wouldnt bother, other than keeping lines of communication open for the future. She won have any memories of him at taht age.

You cant force him to parent.

You would be surprised how many men step right back once their ex-partners get a new bloke moved in and assume the proactive parent role in place of the NRP.

Letsmakecookies Sun 10-Feb-13 08:45:02

My feeling is that it is the NRP's responsibility to maintain their relationship with their child, and the RP's job to not prevent that happening but not to artificially set it up.

My children have a father who sees them so little (his choice) but calls them more often (his choice), and as much as it frustrates and angers me I feel me micromanaging and manipulating the situation would not help any one in the long term. It is his job to be a parent and want to put adult effort in to their relationship.

You have tried, all credit to you. I wouldn't bother now. Your partner will be her daddy in every real sense of the word, but her biological father will always be her dad too. However you cannot force it.

Back off from him but leave the door open maybe in the future he will make an effort. Some men are crap with little ones but when they've grown up a bit more themselves they can forge/maintain a relationship with their older children.

Insecure24 Mon 18-Feb-13 11:04:01

Thanks for the replies. It's been about 3.5 months now he saw her and hasn't made any effort since including Christmas. I have notified the CSA of this and my maintenance has increased slightly. They assured me that I'm under no obligation to maintain a relationship on ex and dd's behalf due to no court order. Oh well. I've tried and he's a waste of space as far as I'm concerned. Dd is a very lucky little girl to have such a lovely daddy in my dp. We've just booked a summer holiday and looking forward to a future as a family the 3 of us smile

Just keep a record of everything and don't worry about it. You have done your share and if he can't be reasonable, it's his loss.
The only other thing I would advise is to have a basic cover story for DD as she grows up, to the effect that some people are just not very good at being parents and that DD is wonderful and lovely and you and your DP love her very much, etc. Because DC sometimes to get hold of the idea that a bio-parent's lack of interest is the DC's fault and that if s/he had been prettier, nicer, not naughty then the parent would still be around.

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