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Am I overreacting re. my mother?

(20 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Feb-13 00:03:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnagging Sun 10-Feb-13 00:24:16

Your mother is crazy op! Unfortunately some of us have toxic mothers. I found keeping my distance from mine works best for me. She is emotionally draining & turns everything into a drama about her. Unfortunately my sister still lives at home & it is slowly driving her mad. Don't ask or accept money from her you will never hear the end of it. My mother always gives me money thst you think is a gift then asks for it back. She will remind you all the time & make out she desperately needs it. You will get there op, it is frustrating but you can do it by yourselves.

tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Feb-13 00:35:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EclecticWorkInProgress Sun 10-Feb-13 00:55:33

No, Tangerine, you are not over reacting.

It would not be a waste of time to read up on narcissism; there is a website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. There isn't a whole lot in your OP that suggests NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) in your mother, but your second post does in describing her saintly public facade.

It is so so so difficult in dealing with people like this, especially since it is your mother who is supposed to love you. If the stuff you read rings any bells, whole clarions perhaps, then the best thing to do is detach from her emotionally, expect nothing from her - because you know it'll all be about her anyway, and reach a point of indifference towards her (because anger is an emotional connection).

Try a MN search on NPD. There are some excellent threads that explore the dynamics and offer strategies in dealing with it. I can tell you the #1 choice right here: detach, no contact. They are just so toxic in a very insideous way.

It is not you, it is her. Congrats on your pg, btw. Best wishes for you.

notnagging Sun 10-Feb-13 01:07:58

My mum was like this when I was at home. She would be shouting & screaming at me, telling me I needed psychiatric help then as soon as the phone rang her nice voice would come out! Everyone thought she was lovely. My dh only realised recently when she came over, insisted on staying in the kitchen when we were upstairs then we found her sitting in the dark because noone had come down to switch the light on. Weird.
Just be polite op & don't act like you need her. Seeing you strong & independent will burn her up inside which will make you feel able to breath even if its just an act. You will learn that your behaviour is normal & hers isn't.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sun 10-Feb-13 01:16:23

YANBU. But theres not much you can do about it. Its hard. But I think you need to take a step back from it all and do your own thing. Its good to make your own way in this world. Things will work out for you in the end. Don't waste your energy feeling embittered by your mother.

zippey Sun 10-Feb-13 01:43:32

Your mother sounds awful to me as well. You're right, to outsiders your mother might look like a saint, but your OP revealing her underlying motives make sense. For example when reading your OP I did think "maybe your mum doesnt realise how hurtful her comments are and is just trying to help/be kind", but you know your mum and I believe your take on things.

It would be great to have a generous parent, esp now as you are expecting a child, but any such generosity expressed would probably come with conditions. It sounds as if she gets enjoyment from seeing other people suffer, even her own daughter. I think the best thing you can do is make sure you behave differently to your own children, and keep looking for a new home.

SilverClementine Sun 10-Feb-13 02:40:06

OP I really feel for you, that sounds so stressful and unhelpful. I have no further advice than.what has already been offered, I just wanted to say that I feel for you and hope you find somewhere nice to live soon Xx

Astelia Sun 10-Feb-13 04:52:02

She is selfish and mean to you. I find it hard to believe any mother can behave like this, but years on MN has shown that a depressing number do.

My advice would be to keep away and keep communications to a minimum. Are you trying to buy near her or near your jobs?

I think the less you see her and speak to her the happier you will be.

Its not you OP, its her. You did not make her into the toxic woman she now is, her own birth family did that. BTW what if anything do you know about her own childhood?.

I would look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers as that may well help you. The thing that struck me was the public facade put on for others; this is a narcissistic characteristic.

Detach for your own sake and make those boundaries you have re your mother a lot bloody higher than they are now. Also block her number from your mobile phone and install Caller ID on your landline; incessant unhelpful calls would drive anyone to distraction.

To my mind it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist.

notnagging Sun 10-Feb-13 09:11:58

Thank you for that link eclectic. It finally enabled me to put a name to my mothers behaviour & to make sure I do not carry on her traits in my own children. I think like me op you will have to decide whether low contact or no contact is best for you. Personally I prefer low contact as it is easier to manage with excuses & we know live some distance away so it is harder for her to visit.

Stoneinwelly Sun 10-Feb-13 09:33:02

I know I will have to name change after this advise as it makes me sound the worlds biggest bitch but here goes...
I completely understand your situation as I have lived a very similar life. I have a mother who is a very strong woman. It can be difficult to show weakness in front of her or ask advise as if you give her a chance she will takeover, put me down etc. I never give her that opportunity now. I don't think she's toxic but that we come from either end of the sensitivity spectrum. I think she thinks she's helping... and most people think she's wonderful.

She and my father are quite wealthy from family money and inheritance, this is the nature of farming. I decided to maintain a relationship with them partly for this reason. If they were completely self made it would be different but my grandparents money always felt like my money too iykwim.

Anyway my advise is to take the nuclear, one hit option. She has a lot of inherited wealth, you are her child and you are at a point in your life where you need money. You need to go for broke.Use all the weapons available, your children ie her grand children's security, inheritance tax planning, anything to get a lump sum or a property made over to you ie the one she's mentioned. If its yours you can spend your money doing it up.

You need to be financially safe. You can't spend your life creeping round her so you aren't left out of the will. It will make your life miserable. I think your children are entitled to the security she could easily give them. Don't let her control your life with advice, gifts or loans she can call back etc.

If it doesn't work walk away or set v.v. Strong boundaries, nothing lost and you won't spend years hoping she'll take a hint or do the right thing.

O.K. Everybody flameaway.

Corygal Sun 10-Feb-13 10:33:17

I'm not flaming, stoneinwelly. You speak fine sense.

The trouble with rich mean people is they stay that way. OP, you can try asking her for money (make it a lot) but don't try banking on getting any. If DM does cough, she'll prob use it to manipulate, so make sure what you're asking for is worth it.

DM ought to be ashamed of herself. She isn't though. She won't be. The only weapon you have is to reveal the truth behind her public persona. Don't do this in an axe-to-grind way, because it may make you sound less credible, but in a more-disappointed-than-angry way - to all, yes all, your mutual friends and family. Explain briefly that you're struggling and then quietly finish up with 'Mum doesn't want to help'.

It's hard to deal with these people because there's not much comeback and they know it. But remember that a) you can control how much access you give them to your life b) yes, you can; low contact is less effort than none c) you are picking her care home.

When you do have contact with DM, fill your time with merry anecdotes about kind grannies and how much their DC and DGC love them for their generosity.

tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Feb-13 13:07:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tangerinefeathers Sat 16-Feb-13 06:34:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tangerinefeathers Sat 16-Feb-13 06:37:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astelia Sat 16-Feb-13 16:34:33

tangerine thanks for the update and I hope you get the rental house you really like.

I wonder though would it be worth organising a sit down meeting with both your parents before you sign the rental agreement, giving them a chance to give you some money? Have you actually spoken to your father yet?

LineRunner Sat 16-Feb-13 16:51:26

Good luck with your rental house - you deserve it. smile

tangerinefeathers Sun 17-Feb-13 00:31:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astelia Sun 17-Feb-13 04:21:01

I think you are right then not to want to take any money if it will come with strings and if she won't give the same to your sisters.

Siblings being treated differently is the basis for many family fall outs. Your sisters would probably be upset and rightly so.

Sorting yourselves out and keeping a bit of distance from your parents sounds like the recipe for a happier life.

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