Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he depressed, jekyll and hyde - or just an arse?!

(93 Posts)
Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:08:57

Apologies in advance if this is long.

Background: together since we were 19/20, married 20 years, 2 DCs 12 and 9. Both early 40s now. I work FT in a job I love, on a good salary. He has his own business which has been very up and down, and over the past 2-3 years more down than up. He works alone mainly.

He constantly puts me down. He resents my job; every argument we have seems to come back to my job "taking over". I do work often long hours, have to stay away the occasional night, sometimes catch up on stuff in the evening etc. But my salary is important as his income fluctuates. he is rude and abusive about my (female) boss, she is the "manc bitch" (she's not even from manchester, and he has met he about 4 or 5 times in 8 years). He constantly brings up the past - I'm far from proud of this, but I had a ONS not long after we married, and even now, nearly 20 years on, he still brings it up and basically blames me for all our problems. I thought we had moved on from that - afterwards I went through loads of shit with him (a lot of drunken behaviour, he broke my wrist, phoned prostitutes when pissed), but thought we had got over it, went onto have the kids etc. All was good until the last 3-4 years.

I am constantly accused of depriving him of sex. Depsite the fact I am "useless in bed", "just lie there", "never give me oral", he expects sex everytime we got to bed at the same time. The other night I was really tired and said no. He went into a complete childish sulk and proceeded to bad mouth me for the best part of 30 mins. This happens quite often and I end up giving in. Then he moans because I'm crap in bed.

He regularly bad mouths my parents which he knows winds me up. They are pretentious, ignorant and thick apparently. In the last few weeks I have been called an idiot, an imbecile and unclean.

Every evening he goes to the pub after work "for the company because you are so unsociable and don't talk to me". I just have nothing to say. He never asks me how I am, how my day was, if I talk about how I am feeling he immediately turns it around to him. He also says he goes to the pub because he spends all day "in the cell" - meaning his office, where he works alone, and gets company at the pub. He has 3-4 pints every evening, comes home about 7.30/8 - by which time the kids are dealt with and in bed - I've done homework / tea / bath / wind down time. Sometimes he comes home late after drinking much more, and that's awful.

I suspect some of this is down to stress because of the business, also my FIL died late last year after being diagnosed terminally ill early last year, so that has been stressful too, of course.

I don't help the situation - I do clam up when he's at home, I can't look him in the eye, I often will walk away if he starts on me, which winds him up even more. Or when he starts on one, I can't just sit there and take it and I argue back.

He can be nice. It's just the two personalities are hard to deal with - not knowing what sort of mood he will be in when he comes home, what his day has been like, whether anyone who owes the business has paid (if they haven't, it's hell), if I'm late its a nightmare etc. He does help with the kids if I am away early or finishing late, but often reluctantly.

This all sounds bad doesn't it?

I am so glad you feel proactive about it all now OP, have been thinking lots about you and hoping it was all going okay. I still really think you should tell someone close to you what's going on so that you have RL support as well as us ragtag bunch on MNers smile

Lueji Wed 13-Feb-13 23:10:40

Go Scoobydo. smile

Tell him how you are going to make things right for you and the children.

thepixiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 22:20:08

Action time sounds exciting!

I'm routing for you OP smile

Sc00byD0 Wed 13-Feb-13 22:15:16

Hi everyone, sorry to have been absent for a bit, work has been relentless this week and have had two late finishes (which went down well as you may imagine).
Tonight has been one of the worse. I was home on time for the children (my job allows me to often take them to school and pick up, as I can work from home too), and was here when they got home at 430, but he started a phone row with me as I didn't answer his call to check I had got home on time for them. I didn't answer because I was on the loo! That has escalated into a full scale row tonight (after he got home from the pub of course), the remote for the tv is smashed, he bought up the past again, bought up my job and the manc bitch, my drama queen thick mother, etc etc etc. I'm tired, broken, really down. I have told him he is an emotionally and verbally abusive bully, but of course he's not, I just don't talk to him and don't listen, and don't understand how he feels, and I shouldn't have done what I did. Nearly 20 fucking years and it still comes up, all the time. I made a big mistake, and boy, am I still paying. One mistake, never anything since to give him any course for concern (quite rightly), but still it goes on.
I'm exhausted by it all. I've just had an apology, and apparently we are going to talk about how to make things rights tomorrow night. Yeah, right. Get this week over, and it's action time.

targaryen24 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:49:12

You're kids are already "*in a broken home*" so to speak.
The longer you stay, the worse it'll get by the sounds of it.

Leave. Take your kids out of this situation. Let yourself heal & you'll soon see him for what he is thanks

OverlyYappy Wed 13-Feb-13 14:16:45

It takes a lot of balls/courage to leave. I found it easier to stay tbh

Like another poster has said though she attempted suicide due to being raised in abusive environment, my reason for staying was to keep my boys lives from disruption, my eldest is now depressed, he is 12, he also has IBS from worrying.

He was upset when we split, crying and saying he loved his Dad (begging him to stay), 2 years on he doesn't want to see him. (he isn't allowed by SS anyway)

OP I realise it is very difficult, just a thought, when I attended The Freedom Programme there were others there who were still with the DH/OH, doing this programme made one realise her DC and herself would better off out of the marrriage and she left her OH, he knew she was coming to the meetings. I myself couldn't do this as I had to account for every minute of every day and I somehow thought Womens Aid were a bunch of rottweilers or something, I have had support for a year now and that's my time with them finished.

Me making the decision never to see my ex again was the hardest decision I have made but the best. We walked on egg shells/glass for too long, now it is just me and my DC and so much better, we do what we want, when we want, if we don't want a full dinner we don't, if we want loud music we do, I go to bed when I want, even our dog is happier.

I'm a bit like a loose cannon just now as I was controlled for 16 years but it's great! I understand it is very difficult but honestly wish I had left years ago, W. Aid can help you with an 'exit plan' - how to move out safely.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 12-Feb-13 22:57:23

This is so sad, and anger-making to read.

You are so much better than this "man". Ugh.

He is an arse.

Arse. Arse. Arse.

thimblena Tue 12-Feb-13 22:49:45

Hello Sc00byD0 - I woke up thinking about you this morning. I'd posted on here last night about a problem I had and received from great support for what was just trivia compared with what you're going through.

You're being abused emotionally, physically and sexually. Make it stop. Be the woman you are at work; take control; protect your wonderful DCs from him.

Women's Aid, a solicitor, family and friends - tell them all; get them all involved. You have no reason to be ashamed; this is not your fault. Support is waiting for you - just reach out and it'll be there.

NicknameTaken Mon 11-Feb-13 14:51:21

Hi OP, I've been there, and it's a miserable way to live. It's not going to get better.

Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" is often recommended on this kind of thread, because it's really helpful to understand the dynamics.

He is abusive. There is no point telling him so, hoping he'll understand. All you can do is leave, or get him to do so.

In your shoes, I would go to a solicitor before you do anything else. You want to avoid a situation where he portrays himself as the person who does most of the childcare while you have a high-flying career, and so he tries to get the children to stay with him, having you support them financially while he remains in the family home with him. I'm not saying that to panic you - he may not try this, and even if he does, there are ways to deal with it - but it is really important to get proper legal advice.

thepixiefrog Mon 11-Feb-13 13:46:20

Also, you need to protect your own relationship with your DC.

When I had my own DC I was knocked flat by the realisation that DM had not protected us.

I am in therapy, but I cannot work through the anger that I feel towards DM. Real gut wrenching rage that overwhelms me at times. Our relationship is well and truly ruined.

Show your DC what self respect looks like and leave. It will be the best thing you ever do for them. Hugs.x

thepixiefrog Mon 11-Feb-13 13:40:59

Hi, sorry I don't have time to read the whole thread, but I just wanted to add my support, and say that your DC need to be removed from this environment ASAP.

My DM and not so 'D'SD were like this. By the time I was 19 I had attempted suicide 8 times, and I put this down to the abusive home environment. DSD was also abusive to me and my siblings, not just my DM, so the situation may be a different one to yours. Please don't underestimate the damaging effect of this on your DC.

DM finally left a year ago, after 20 years and she has never been happier. We miss him a bit, when he was 'Jekyll' he was amazing, but when he was 'Hyde' he was truly terrifying and I am glad he is out of our lives.

teresa2003 Mon 11-Feb-13 11:45:32

It is hard to make that decision & leave but as Jux says you will have a life & freedom. The point is that if you have a "normal" relationship you dont have to worry yourself sick about having his favourite tea ready or whether you have vacumed that day (like i used to do).

I also looked at this from dc,s perspective as he also started staying in his room as soon as dad came home.That is one of the reasons i made myself leave as my father was verbally ( but at times physically) abusive)to my mum ,me & my sibling.As the eldest child i started to "stick up" for mum which made me a target as well & i remember as teenagers we would promise to help with housework & be good if she would leave my dad.As she was mainly the breadwinner i could not understand why she would not leave.

I know that a lot of men are not abusive in a physical way (my ex wasnt) but hiding away as a child because one of your parents is being mistreated is still very damaging & not healthy.

I can now understand having been in a similiar situation to my mum & many others how you do start to feel trapped.

My mum is now remarried but does regret not leaving my dad when she was younger.She was a great help to me when i told her i wanted to leave my ex as without her help i would of had to contact womens aid helpline.

Also my dc can be beligerent with me although he is always very sorry afterwards.I can understand why though as dc has witnessed his dad calling me names & shouting at me since he was a toddler.However i am trying to stop this behaviour & always tell him that is not acceptable to talk to me (or anyone)in a nasty way.Hopefully being in a calmer home will eventually put a stop to this.

Jux Mon 11-Feb-13 08:21:16

He bad mouths your friends because he wants to make it not worth your while seeing them, so that you become isolated. If you are isolated not only do you not have an outlet for your worries/fear about him, but you then have less 'normal' to compare your life to. Then you start to believe whatever crap he spouts, and you become more invested in appeasing him, keeping him happy by acceding to his every whim. As AF said, boiling a frog.

Please contact Women's Aid and make an escape plan. You could be like teresa2003 in no time! Gird your loins, keep your chin up, and prepare for life and freedom!

Hissy Mon 11-Feb-13 07:14:07

"DCs spend a lot of time in their bedrooms when we're downstairs."

Sweetheart, your children are SUFFERING! Please see this. It's the opposite of what life should be for them.

Think about the memories of their lives that they are creating to look back on.

Get that man OUT of your lives, as everyone here will tell you, you'll never regret it.

CocktailQueen Sun 10-Feb-13 22:53:06

Oh, he sounds horrible. Sorry, but you really need to think about leaving him. What s he doing for you? Just - yuk.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 10-Feb-13 22:39:53

How do you feel about another 40 years of this abuse? If you think that it's inevitable that you split before you die, why not do it now whilst your children will feel the benefit?
Your children have plenty of childhood left where you can show them how to live in a harmonious household without the regular verbal abuse.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 22:05:10

he's a misogynist twat, really, isn't he ?

yuk

foofooyeah Sun 10-Feb-13 21:31:50

x post

I think when he is slagging off your friends its because he is jealous of people who you like and get on well with. Classic needy behavoir.

foofooyeah Sun 10-Feb-13 21:28:26

Scooby - just wanted to say I recognise a lot of what you say and I too am in a situation that I know I need to leave - but doing so takes a lot of bravery.

I hope you manage to make that decision - and I hope I do too

Sc00byD0 Sun 10-Feb-13 21:22:02

Well, he came home at 8.30, so been out for 6 hours. Worse for wear, but not rolling drunk. Trouble is he gets mouthy when like this. He 'only went to watch the rugby' and I pointed out it was finished by 5, but of course he got talking and someone bought him a drink, so he had to buy one back etc etc. then started bad mouthing one of my friends. She's not a close friend, but part of the girls group I'm in, we meet once a month, and see each other locally a lot too, some of them are school mums too. Apparently she loves herself, loves it up her and probably gives a good blow job, but she's a bitch. Completely went off on one, even though I was trying to ask him about why he was so late, she was a totally ireelevant part of the conversation. He does that all the time. Most of my friends get slagged off for one reason or another. It's all part of the script isn't it?

I've left him downstairs, am in bed. He's playing music loudly, probably deliberately, he'll fall asleep in the chair,then eventually come to bed and snore all night. Fucking shit.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 20:44:29

Yes, treading on egg shells is a crap way to live

is this what you envisaged as your life ?

Worrying and fretting about what sort of mood a self-entitled fuckwit like him is going to come home in ?

Watching and waiting to see how much he is going to take his own twattery out on you and the dc's ?

You deserve better than that...anyone does

teresa2003 Sun 10-Feb-13 20:34:23

This is my first ever post so sorry if anything is wrong.
He sounds vile & exactly like my ex partner who i split up with before xmas after 14 years.We have a 9 year old who took it quite badly at first. Even though dc use to ask me if we could not live with his dad because the atmosphere was so bad & we got to the stage where we would avoid going home because he would start shouting the minute we were together in the house.Once you decide you want to leave you have to put your mind to it.I had no money of my own as i was never keen on leaving dc with ex partner for long periods of times so worked in school hours.Luckily my mum helped me to move out & i even though it is hard to be a lone parent at times it is the best decision i ever made.Only regret is that i did not have the guts to do it when dc was a baby for his sake rather than mine.

Being on edge constantly, stomach churning, never feeling good enough all typical symptons of living with a bully.

Sc00byD0 Sun 10-Feb-13 20:22:55

Thanks AF - I hadn't heard of that before, but Wikipedia has put me right. And I understand what you mean by it.

He's still not home. I'm trying to relax but can't. It's a crap way to live.

I can do this

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 20:06:37

OP, have you heard of Boiled Frog Syndrome ?

You are not a bad mother. He is a bad father.

You can improve your children's lives though, and remove them from his damaging influence. Lots of women do, and they never regret doing it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now