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to not want bil to hold DD tightly and not let go?

(121 Posts)
littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:17:12

I don't know how you would describe it, apart from to say every time he sees DD, he gets hold of her, puts his arms around her and holds onto her tightly, usually whilst saying something like 'You can't get out of this can you DD! Go on, try to get out of this then!'

I cannot leave them in the same room together, because it seems as soon as they are alone, it starts again. I'm sure DD can't be enjoying it??

I have asked him to put her down, said she doesn't like it, even physically taken DD from him, and tbh, there have been a few times when he has held on even as I am pulling DD out of his vice like grip.

Sometimes, he doesn't take any notice and just says 'She likes it.'

Perhaps it is the grimace on his face as he is holding her that makes me very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

I have tried speaking to my family about it, and don't go round bil's much anyway, but family's response is to say it doesn't happen when they are there, (oh yes it does) and then to be very sarcastic about it and say 'Well don't go to bil's house then?' meaning I would hardly ever see my sister.

I try to go when bil is at work, but since he works very irregular hours, and doesn't have regular days/hours he works, it is difficult to keep track.

FeckOffCup Fri 08-Feb-13 23:29:33

YANBU, I would find that weird behaviour from BIL. How old is DD, is she able to tell him herself, firmly, "no Uncle X please don't do that, I don't like it"

SirBoobAlot Fri 08-Feb-13 23:30:53

What does your sister say about this?

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:32:28

DD is 4, and will occasionally say 'Get off, let me go.' but bil takes no notice, and waits until an adult intervenes, which happens every time, then looks all hurt and subdued!!
He doesn't do it to his own DC either, although this may be because they are older, although I don't recall seeing him do it to them.

FeckOffCup Fri 08-Feb-13 23:34:44

Maybe you should train your DD to "accidentally" elbow him in a sensitive place while struggling to get away, maybe that would make him think twice about doing it again wink.

Uggghhhhhh - your post made me shudder littlemiss that is just horrible sad
I used to hate it when people would try and get/make my little's give them a kiss or hug when they were smaller, I'm not sure why, it just used to make me cringe and want to shout "they don't KNOW you, leave them alone"
If I was you, I just wouldn't take DD round there again until she was big enough to kick him in the balls/shins and even call first and ask if he was in/expected home before I went.
I would also tell people why, and if they said "he doesn't do it when we're there" I would just say "well you weren't looking on X,Y,Z occasion" and give examples.
If he said "she likes it" I would simpley say "no she doesn't" and if he kept hold, I'd kick his shins myself. If he complained I'd either deny it or apologise for "slipping" and if he tried to insist it was deliberate, I'd laugh and say "don't be silly" - it's not like he could prove it.

LemonBreeland Fri 08-Feb-13 23:36:18

He sounds like a complete arse. Is there any chance of just talking to him and asking him not to do it again as it upsets you and your dd, or would he not listen.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:36:27

Sister is usually in kitchen while bil is in lounge watching shit on tv but the playroom is at the other side of the lounge, hence DD getting caught by bil.

Sister has tried to play it down before while asking him to put DD down, and he does put her down then, but it just continues on and on every bloody time we go over there and he's there, it has got to the point where sis gets quite cross with bil now and says 'LMS's DD is not a bloody doll, FGS put her down will you!!'

Bil then puts DD down and does his hurt face expression. Until he forgets thinks he can get away with it again or the next visit, possibly 3 months away, then it happens all over again. sad

dontcallmehon Fri 08-Feb-13 23:37:28

I wouldn't let him if there is any possible way you can avoid him. Can you invite your sister to you? Be very forceful. Do not touch my dd BIL! She doesn't like it! Keep doing it. Subtlety isn't working.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:38:40

Bil doesn't really listen to me. He will only do as I am asking reluctantly if he thinks sister is within earshot.

It's not even as if he is trying to hug/kiss DD, because he grabs her in such a way that DD is facing outwards away from him IYSWIM.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:40:29

I rarely see sister, and haven't seen her since xmas, but one of her DC's is having a birthday tea this weekend for the family to attend, so I am expected to be there. That is the only time I go with DD now, when it would be rude to decline, otherwise I sometimes see sister if I don't have DD with me.

dontcallmehon Fri 08-Feb-13 23:42:06

Physically remove her. Make a scene, so embarrassing him. It won't be easy.

You could try just saying loudly "do you have an interest in my four year old daughter BiL? We'll have to call you Jimmy Saville if you don't behave" and glare at him.
That should shame him into letting her go surely?
(And yes, I know, appalling taste, but it might shock him into thinking about just what he's doing when he restrains a child against his body and refuses to let her go - ewwww I feel sick just typing that. Is he actually a dirty bastard pervert old man OP, or just deluded/stupid and doesn't think?)

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:42:36

Also, I cannot talk to my sister about this, because I know she would defend bil and get very angry defensive with me.
I am the walkover in the family so it is easier to put the blame on me, and my sister, mother and bil would blame me for making a scene and ruining X's party over a bit of fun. hmm

Wolfiefan Fri 08-Feb-13 23:43:07

Control?
Weird bullying behaviour. Are their kids boys or girls? I'm afraid I wouldn't let him anywhere near my DD. I'm teaching her it is her body and she chooses what happens. (This often results in me being told not to kiss her! Her body her choice!)

LastDadStanding Fri 08-Feb-13 23:43:48

Making assumptions here, but can Dad help out?

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:45:15

I think he is more of the stupid, doesn't think variety. It is also imo very controlling, the look on his face is as if he is wrestling a dangerous animal, like a grimace, real anger there imo.

He is not respected at home by sister, his own DC laugh at him, so I think he feels like DD is an easy target to exact his frustration at being powerless in the house if that makes sense.

littlemisssarcastic Fri 08-Feb-13 23:46:10

Dad? As in DD's dad? Or my Dad?

Neither are on the scene.

He's behaving inappropriately towards your dd; any action taken on your part to stop this is justified. He knows he's being inappropriate because of the 'hurt face' thing that you've described, and the fact that he's continuing doing this despite having been repeatedly told not to by you, your dd and his wife isn't good.

It may be worth considering what Pombear said above - the shaming thing works very well with some people, but you might also consider not taking your dd along the next time you visit (a babysitter perhaps), and stating that he can't be trusted to behave like an adult around her, and is the reason why she isn't there.

She needs to be protected from this idiotic douchecanoe.

LilQueenie Fri 08-Feb-13 23:56:19

If he feels your DD is an easy target then he is a bully. Tell him straight. If it were me I would tell him he was a bully and throw in the fact he is acting like a peado because from what i can see he is.

LastDadStanding Fri 08-Feb-13 23:56:23

If he's the stupid, doesn't think variety then stressing the 'odd thing for grown man to do' angle may just make him think twice.

If you can set it up so a few good (female) friends all all there to comment loudly that it's odd behaviour for a grown man then it may sting him in to stopping. No man likes to look like a possible child molester in front of the ladies.

WinkySlink Fri 08-Feb-13 23:57:06

I think its horrible, and i know how it feels, but i think a lot of people really dont have a clue how unpleasant it is. I would just be straight and say " i dont want DD to grow up thinking its okay for men to restrain her when she has told them to let go". Be poker faced and really cats bum mouth about it too, so he sees how disdainful it is from women's perspective.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 09-Feb-13 00:10:26

Whether he is stupid or controlling he's doing wrong. I remember being held down a tickled, head locked, you name it.

He's a total arse whatever he is. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to get the hell off her, if he then chooses to still be that sort of arse he wouldn't be allowed near my child whether it be male or female.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 09-Feb-13 00:20:15

Last dad standing is right. Maybe someone else needs to be seen to agree with you. After all you have raised it time and again.
Can you take a ( female) friend and brief her to be very shocked and disgusted very vocally?

Greensleeves Sat 09-Feb-13 00:31:07

I agree with LastDadStanding, he needs to realise how very inappropriate this looks to other people. You've tried treating him like a normal human being and appealing to his sense of common decency - he knows she doesn't like it and he doesn't care, the stupid fuckunt. Now you do whatever it takes to get him to leave her the hell alone.

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