Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i think my marriage is going to fail

(7 Posts)
xeno Fri 08-Feb-13 21:14:08

It's probably my fault too.

Sorry, this is going to be long...

I've been ill, physically and mentally (ok, I know that's not my fault) but it has been really hard on my DH. We went to counselling together which was brilliant for me, I really did face up to my past and deal with my hurts and childhood trauma. It was the first time I had ever had a counsellor who could get right to the point and help me actually get my feelings out. I thought it was good for DH, too, because he was able to stop being a 'carer' and have his say about how he felt. The trouble is, since then, he hasn't stopped saying how he feels, and it is a lot of moaning!
I have really recovered from a lot of my past, I'm feeling a lot stronger mentally and physically, and I'm starting to take stock of my life and try to find something worthwhile to do with it. I've restarted studying for a degree (which I had given up on 13 years ago) and thinking about trying to get some sort of career (something which would have been unthinkable just a year ago). He is really pleased that I am so much better, and supportive of my studying (up to a point) but he says that my "behaviour towards him hasn't changed". Before I was depressed and would retreat into my own world. Now I am "always" going off to my "happy place" and am still "absent". I am trying to listen to him and give him as much attention as he seems to need, but it is like he objects if I want to do ANYTHING by myself (like read a book, or talk to a friend on facebook) when he is in the house.

I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I feel as if I am having to watch myself all the time and conform to his needs. Am I just totally selfish and wrapped up in my own world, or is he expecting more of me than I am able to give? It's not as if he is romancing me or paying me much attention. Most of the time it is me asking him for sex (he seems to prefer his own company there!) He seems to me to be really emotionally needy, and likes to really talk about things with a lot of detail, whereas I am passionate, fairly bonkers, but also really need my own space, and find too much discussion of feelings a bit tedeous... I feel like he would really be much happier with someone a bit more like his mum (lovely woman, very nursy caring type) and that I can not be the person that he wants me to be. I think I am actually a bit aspie because I often completely fail to pick up stuff that he thinks should be obveous. Aparently I often speak with the 'wrong tone of voice', and he reacts to the emotion that he thinks I am expressing, leaving me bewildered, thinking "what did I say"?!

But, we have two small children, and if i leave everyone will be utterly horrified with me. I don't have anywhere to go, anyway. So do I just keep going and see if he can learn to accept me as I am, or run now, before things go bad? I still love him, but I don't think I was ever really 'in love'. I had been very hurt by a total epic disaster (fell head over heels total fruit loopy obsession for a good friend who not surprisingly ran for the hills) and was so happy to find someone who loved me and i was really too scared to let myself fall 'in love' until we were actually married. It has been really nice, but never mad passionate crazy feelings, but then I never thought those lasted anyway, and I was afraid to let myself feel like that.

Part of me thinks I should probably never have married him in the first place, but then I think about how unhappy I was being single and how messed up I was, and he has really helped me.

But he is also very angry (partly i think because of my illness) and very bad at dealing with stress. I really don't like how he gets so cross with the children, and how he sometimes can be very bossy and rude to me, almost treating me like a child. Ok, so I was a bit of a child, but I feel so much older now, and it really gets to me.

All this has been rumbling on for the last six months at least (some of it for the whole marriage (7 years)) andnow the final straw, I recently noticed that I was developing feelings for someone else... Oh FUCK... I feel like I have utterly betrayed DH, even though I have not done anything except avoid this other person, but I can't seem to ignore these feelings. sad

Sorry that is a bloody novel, but at least you can't accuse me of drip feeding!

amazingmumof6 Sat 09-Feb-13 01:09:19

you do have a lot of issues that need sorting and I'm sorry you have all these difficulties.

first of all forget about that other person, it's just not worth the trouble.

if it is available to you, I suggest you have some more couples therapy - it worked for you, now you need to work on the both of you.

he probably gets jumpy about you "retreating to your happy place", because he's worried that you might be getting depressed again.

but you are right, you should be able to spend time on your own!

also remember how he was looking after you, but any illness is hard on the carer too, so now that you are better he should be able to express his feelings without you saying he is moaning! I don't think that's fair!

I think he is scared and he reacts angry and bossy and rude, because he wants to appear to be in control.

the only thing that strikes me as odd is that you have to ask him for sex. I'm not sure what that is all about, I never heard a man not wanting to have sex, sorry, that is very unusual and I wonder what's behind that.

I really think you two need some calm discussions and further ouside help.

flippingflup Sat 09-Feb-13 01:20:50

Now you are feeling strong, are you doubting the whole relationship because you were not so strong when you met, and you worry you made a rash decision?
Sounds like you have really worked hard to sort yourself out, good on you. Also sounds rather like your h hasn't got his head round the new you and so is feeling insecure and being a nob. You don't have to put up with an angry partner, but you could give him a chance to change...
Can you go back to counselling together?

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 09-Feb-13 02:14:35

It sounds as though he was actually happier with the previous status quo where you were much more dependent on him and he was in control.
Hence his moaning now when you're better, when theoretically he should be happier for your sake because you're better and for his own sake because you're less of a burden.
And the blaming you for not being able to read his mind sounds like gaslighting.

Lahti Sat 09-Feb-13 09:37:28

Bumping this for you. I haven't any advice but a lot of your post sounds like me ie tone if voice. DH rudeness and anger at the children. Will keep watching in interest.

xeno Sat 09-Feb-13 20:27:22

I just wrote a huge post and the Internet ate it. I think I'll pop back tomorrow!

SirBoobAlot Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:49

Just to say... I've recently done a very intensive therapy program. I've changed, I'm happier, I feel proud of myself. But one of the issues I've encountered since I've started to change - and one of the things we were warned about - is that whilst we may know that personal change is a good thing, other people may not like it. For a variety of reasons, including that they liked the previous power balance, and also that whilst one person in a relationship is ill, all the issues can be focused and blamed on that. When someone then starts to recover, and the issues are still there, they have to be dealt with, not just associated with the illness.

Just thought I would share that in case it was relevant to you at all.

For what it's worth, I don't think you sound selfish at all. Well done on all the hard work you have put in, I hope your health continues to improve.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now