Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Male libido

(16 Posts)
bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 14:55:14

I wanted objective thoughts on this. Man, 38 years old, works literally 11 hours per day (gets up at 5.50am, starts work at 7.15am leaves work 6.15 or 6.30pm each night) 45 - 50 minute driving commute each way (i.e behind the wheel of a car just over 1.5 hours per day every day) no exercise at night other than walking from the livingroom to the bathroom (!!) watches TV for a couple of hours every night. Demanding and stressful job with back to back meetings every day and stressful boss. So no exercise during the day (there are no stairs or equivalent at his work and he sits at a desk all day). Weekend exercise involves 10 to 30 minute walks round local area or at shops (i.e nothing in any way like breaking a sweat) or light gardening / washing the car. In other words I think it is fair to say (let me know if you don't agree) does no exercise at all. Drinks at least half a bottle of red wine every single night without fail.
Blood pressure measured on one of those machines indicates it is high (above normal) but not in the critical level. Heartbeats per minute indicate quite a bit higher than normal but again not critical. Not in any way over weight (is slim) but is regularly stressed and angry. Relatives on both sides of his family have had heart attacks in their late 50s early 60s
Do you think the above health profile might affect a male libido?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:08:04

Overweight (?), no exercise, stressful lifestyle and high alcohol consumption might result in erectile dysfunction in someone relatively young... but 'libido' is slightly different.

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:09:48

not overweight

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:20

is half a bottle of wine every night high alcohol consumption for a man?

practicality Thu 07-Feb-13 15:13:07

Stress and libido are not friends.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:17:12

Half a bottle of red wine a night is about 5 units a day, grosses up to 35 units a week. The recommended daily max for a man is 3-4 units and there should be at least two consecutive alcohol-free days a week to be healthy. So if it's 'at least' half a bottle and it's every single night it's heavy enough to potentially be a problem.

Does his libido improve during a holiday?

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:24:38

never really go on holiday
last 2 years had a 4 night break and the rest was occasional days (alternated between me and my husband) to look after sick babies because no other childcare available (we both work)
he has had a cholesterol test at the doctors (but not yet got the results)
I accept there is stress (or even a lot of stress) during his day. I just dont know how much healthy lifestyle impacts on male libido or whether the most unfit unhealthy and stressed man is still looking for it (i.e he is looking for it elsewhere).
I have seen his work calender and it does appear to be back to back meetings. He hardly ever goes out in the evenings (maybe once per year max to meet a work colleague) and is asleep literally within 60 seconds of lying down in bed (at around 10pm - 10.30pm) and out of the house as I say at around 6.30am
But maybe i am focusing too much on health and it does not affect the male libido at all

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:32:53

IME (and it's not that extensive) men who are quite 'driven' about work and so forth, regardless of their physical state and how tired they are, will often use sex as a stress release, a way to relax. Fat, unhealthy ones might struggle with ED but they'll give it their best shot. It's the ones that have either lost interest in you or are depressed that just roll over and go to sleep

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:34:02

Should have added.... does he see the lack of a sex-life as a problem? Does he know you see it as a problem?

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:36:29

thanks cogito
not sure whether to put him in the "driven" category
he is certainly good at routines etc
he does hate work I know that much but that does not stop him putting in the (day time) hours.
He is not fat. He may be unhealthy depending on how you look at it but not overtly / externally unhealthy.
thanks for replying tho, your thoughts are helpful Cog

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:40:44

in terms of lack of sex life being a problem, he always initiates, it is very infrequent. it is nice when it happens and i think he enjoys it. it is always mornings and with half an ear on our tiny children waking so quick.
i used to raise it as an issue with him and say "how can we have this more often"
now i don't
very occasionally i think he things i have gone off sex but he does not raise it verbally. occasionally (hence this thread) I wonder whether there are other factors (other than "is he having an affair but if he is it must literally be between meetings during the day at work because no other time and i have no other evidence of it")

i havent gone off it but i have lost the ways of raising it as an issue
so this thread was about the health issues (or i am grasping at straws)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Feb-13 15:48:58

I think the health issues are a diversion. To steal some criminal investigation terminology the problems are 'motive' and 'opportunity' because I think he clearly has the 'means'. There is no opportunity to have sex because he is deliberately filling his days and nights with other stuff, and there is no motivation because you've got to the passive stage where you're waiting for a tap on the shoulder.

I think you have to put the brakes on this wall-to-wall work. He needs to take a solid fortnight off and soon. You should arrange for the children to be out of the way (grandparents?) so that you can talk and then take the opportunity, not only to reconnect as a couple, but to draw up a way between you to reconnect once the holiday has finished. No-one should be working 11 hour days.... you and your love life have to get a lot higher up the priorities.

I'd also suggest you find religion and make Lent alcohol free.... starts Feb 13th. Alcohol is a depressant, messes up sleep patterns and is not helping things.

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 15:53:13

cog
thank you so much for taking the time to post this
your last thread is v v helpful and contains real insight
thanks

Helltotheno Thu 07-Feb-13 16:05:43

I'd be much more worried about him having a heart attack than his libido but agree that all are interlinked. The alcohol is a worrying factor, as is general stress.

Charbon Thu 07-Feb-13 17:21:24

How are your sexual needs being met by this situation, I wonder?

Brief sex which you say that 'he enjoys' but which is impaired by the fear of interruption, doesn't sound too great from your perspective.

Why don't you initiate sex yourself at a better time for you?

Why is this about his libido, when on the face of it it looks like yours is lower than his because you don't initiate sex yourself?

And why is this a difficult subject to raise between you?

Looking at all your posts, I don't think this is an issue about libido or health at all. It seems to be more about communication and intimacy in your relationship, which sounds poor.

bubbles11 Thu 07-Feb-13 17:31:08

you are not wrong charbon
not sure when good communciation can occur or maybe that is an excuse, kids in bed relatively late after my return from work, him out the door at crack of dawn me doing the nursery run etc

but re reading that perhaps it is all an excuse
going to re postition the "is it his health" factor lower down the list as you say

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now