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My SIL is trying to be the matriarch of the family.

(27 Posts)
Iamsomewhatamused Thu 07-Feb-13 09:24:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EclecticWorkInProgress Sat 09-Feb-13 17:18:21

Hi Somewhat, sorry this is so long but from MN experience sometimes a different phrasing or word can make something click in understanding.

First, I am sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this.

MorrisZapp makes a reality based point. This is your dh's family so you are not directly on the chain of favor so to speak. This isn't because of a fault of yours or sil...imho, it is just part of the natural order of the universe. Sad, but true: your relationship with mil is conditional.

EldritchCleavage's post rings true for a healthy management of the difficult dynamics.

Nice posting/advice from HotD and porridgeLover. And poozlepants and Winkie....lots of experience here. Mine is from my single/no dc sister (rather than sil) She wanted my dc to pledge allegiance to her and render me invisible: not mentally healthy for anyone involved. I am working on no contact-but it is a long process.

ItsIntheBag's post is good too, pointing out that you may be the favorite target simply because something better hasn't come along to either make her happy with herself, or to take it out on someone else, or get a hobby ffs. Problem with that is there aren't many people who will put up with that crap for long. They may feel safe in dishing it out because they presume you wouldn't dare cut contact. The blood tie, marriage tie, family tie...why does that give them a license to emotionally abuse you? Or make a difference to you whether or not you will put up with it? It shouldn't. It doesn't. You don't owe her/them anything (I presume).

Right, so cease being her target as you have been with intelligence, backbone and with not a little grace in there too. You sound wonderfully together.

Somewhat, you wrote "I can't explain it, but she really seems to be trying to push me down and position herself as the most important person in the family."

Look at "in the family" part of are talking about your dh's & sil's family of origin. You have your own family now, and facts will satisfy: sil is not in your family. This is the boundary. Let dh step up and be the diplomat to the family of origin...if he won't, then there's your answer: you shouldn't have to either.

Slugslasher Sat 09-Feb-13 19:05:53

This so resonates with me. My sil has alienated herself from both her brothers once I and her other brother's wife stopped dancing to her tune. No contact has been liberating after years of anguish. I steer my ship with pil very carefully and manage a relationship with them from a distance. Husband and his brother were blind to their sister's manipulation until she turned her wrath onto them once we (the sils) got the measure of her.

She now rules pil with aplomb, they are terrified of upsetting her!

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