Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[Dahlen]

This is a question I've been thinking a lot about lately, due to circumstances in my social circle.

I think there are different types of infidelity. There are the serial philanderers (of both sexes) who simply want their cake and to eat it and don't care who gets hurt in the process, although they may lie and cry crocodile tears when caught. Then there are those who just don't possess enough self-awareness to realise when they're treading on dangerous ground (these are the types to whom it 'just happened'). Some of these will have made a genuine mistake and be full of genuine remorse and wil change. Others won't, either because they're not really suited to monogamy or because they're a bit dim.

In all these cases, I'm talking about mature people in marriages/long-term cohabiting relationships, in which the act of infidelity is affecting the future of the relationship.

What I'm less clear on is where maturity fits in on this. Is it possible, for example, for someone to have cheated on someone in a serious (but not cohabiting) relationship while in their early 20s but be trustworthy in a completely new relationship years down the line?

I tend to be of the opinion that while everyone can make mistakes, learn from them, change and move on, most people just don't. They repeat the same patterns of behaviour ad nauseam. Maybe I'm just a cynical old bat.

I'm interested in all different opinions on this, but if it's not too personal I'd quite like people to state if their opinion is coloured by personal involvement (which in no way makes their POV less valid).

[joblot]

I cheated at 21. It was under very strange circumstances but totally awful and wrong. I think if you have reflected on your behaviour and understand it, you are unlikely to reoffend. Those who don't talk/ reflect are probably at risk if repeating mistakes. And the arrogant and entitled will always put their needs first.

[Dryjuice25]

I did cheat a lot when I was younger because I could/or for revenge because I was immature and a tit for tat person but now I wouldn't do it as I am mature and aware of how hurtful it is.

In short as in Eastenders ,someone like Max I will never trust but I might forgive Massood type character for a one-off affair as he has some kind of personal integrity about him whereas Max is so hopeless and flaky and selfish

[Skyebluesapphire]

My 48yo XH got infatuated with a 31yo woman, who was already on her second marriage after cheating on her first husband with her second. She is now cheating on her second with my XH.

So I would say that she is a serial cheater. My XH however had never behaved like it before and I would think it "just happened" to him as he is pretty easily led

[Dahlen]

Thanks for the replies so far. Joblot and Leverette, if you don't mind my asking, what process did you go through to decide that it was something you could confidently say would never be repeated?

[Dryjuice25]

Sky, so it's just a matter of time before she starts cheating on your XH then? Would be nice karma for him though?

[Mumofjz]

i think a lot of cheating goes on in the early years of your life. You might have a boyfirend but the depth of feeling isn't there and so the "grass is greener" scenario isn't such a wrench. How many times were we told not to settle down to young, go live a little, have a good time? We learn as we grow, and as we mature and see/feel how people's treat us, we make the decisions of what we see as your own moral code (i believe)

Once is a stable relationship (whether co-habiting or not) the feelings of the other person must come into account and you must know that your own actions have a direct input on your partners.

[Skyebluesapphire]

Dryjuice - oh yes - his Karma is most definitely already written in the sand..... if and when they end up together, she will then cheat on him....

she is still with her H at the moment, the affair continues, and because my XH is her H's best mate, he cannot see what is happening in front of his face....

so I guess her H's karma has already caught up with him...

[Dahlen]

Mumofjiz - I think that's a good explanation. When I think about my own moral standards and how they've changed and been shaped by years of experience, I can see why attitudes about fidelity could fall into the same process.

Maybe the point is that you have to think about it and decide what your feeling are and why. I don't think people who are unfaithful in later life have done that.

[KirstyoffEastenders]

Skybluesapphire christ, how awful for the husband. Aren't you tempted to tell him?

[ethelb]

I was the OW at 19 and was so disgusted by the situation once it ended that I really struggle now to understand why someone in a serious relationship where they really loved someone would ever stray. Its not worth it for a shag surely?

I think there are serial philanderers and those who stray as they have something wrong with the relationship. The latter are unlikely to do it again if they are happy imo.

[Dryjuice25]

Skyblue You are an angel. I think I might have been tempted to tell the husband! But his karma is round the corner and serves him right for the hurt he caused you.

[Mumofjz]

I also think though that unless someting presents itself, you may not necessarily know you were looking for it... i think this is where people in later life conduct affairs.

In simple form, (and i mean really simple) you're in a job, it's a good job, not a great job but pays the bills, cover the necessatites (sp?) someone comes along and offers the opportunity to ditch the old job, better prospects, better pay, more challenging. What do you do?

[DuchessFanny]

I have cheated in the past and been cheated on ... I know i'll never ever do it again, not now i know the pain it can cause ( was very young and silly and had my head 'turned' ) plus i am in a proper committed relationship now.

The ex who cheated on me, went onto cheat on every single gf leaving a trail of broken hearts, but is now settled down with a really lovely girl who went on to have their two gorgeous kids - so maybe it was just growing up ?

However my soon to be exSIL had multiple affairs before marrying my DBIL and throughout their marriage ... still seeing her married lover .....

[Dahlen]

I'm not sure that's a realistic comparison since there is no one to get hurt in the new, exciting job scenario, whereas in a marriage/LTR there is.

But I guess this is what I mean about self-awareness for people who are generally decent but get caught up in a affair almost before they know it. If you haven't thought about what you absolutely need in a relationship so that you have something you're not prepared to risk, if you haven't thought about your own weak points and how you'll handle temptation if it comes your way, you expose yourself to danger.

I've never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on (that I'm aware of), but I know my faults and vanities and have thought about how I would make sure I didn't end up getting carried away. Ultimately, it's always a choice, even though it may not seem so at the time. Somewhere, deep down, you give yourself permission to get carried away. To me, that lack of awareness is more of a character flaw than the lack of integrity and fidelity.

[Dahlen]

To all those who have said they've done so in the past, but learned from it. I think that's great (genuine, not passive aggressive). We all mistakes. Mine just happen to be not related to fidelity, but I've certainly made some big ones along the way.

I think I'm deciding that it's ok when young and still learning about oneself, relationships and the world in general - provided that you do actually learn from it.

[AnAirOfHope]

I would never trust someone I know had cheated because I would think them selfish and a good lier. If they can hurt someone they love then they could hurt me so I could never be friends with them.

If your not happy in a relationship get out of it dont comprimise your standards by waiting for a rebound. Have respect for the person you shared your life with.

[AnAirOfHope]

So yes once a cheat always a cheat.

[flippingflup]

I used to be a 'serial philanderer'(female) up to age 21, before I got married.

Basically I was a bit of a mess, didn't see that what I was doing was hurting anyone (including me) and knew there were worse things than cheating. I did feel massive guilt at the time, but that didn't stop it going on. My attitude now is entirely different, I find cheating disgusting and cowardly. It destroys relationships, trust, self-esteem, and leaves everyone involved worse off. I have had opportunity since, and can honestly say I would never cheat now. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt and can't put it down to misguided youth anymore!

I think predicting whether or not a person will cheat is almost impossible because cheating types are generally sneaky, good at concealing their true thoughts, and good at telling you what you want to hear. But I guess that depends on the type of cheater.

[cincodemayo]

I think a better analogy Mumofjz for many affairs these days is this: you've built up a business that requires a lot of your time and investment and it gives you and your family security, but along comes a chance to work cash-in-hand doing something that when younger, gave you a hell of a buzz. You think you can do both without the business being affected, so you say yes. But no way would you give up your business for the cash-in-hand work and you get a bit blind to your business suffering because of it. But as soon as you have to face facts that your business is suffering and you might lose it, you stop the other work immediately.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I did try telling the H, but he simply won't believe it because he and XH have been best friends for over 30 years.. I told him how they texted over 100 times a day, all day every day, secret emails, facebook etc, but he has explained it all away, no doubt conned by his wife.....

his problem ... I tried, but he wouldn't listen...

[Mumofjz]

i like that analogy cincodemayo.

What about the ones who enters into an affair who then realise (early on) that to be able to do that means there is something fundamentaly wrong in their exisiting relationship that they end it with them straight away and start a relationship with the person from the affair.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Don't forget that sometimes cheating is a good way out of a shitty relationship. Someone whose primary relationship is emotionally abusive, for instance, might only gain the strength to end it when a new person comes along and reminds the abused person that s/he is a worthwhile, lovable human being and does not deserve to be mistreated.

Sometimes one partner won't have sex, and won't discuss the problem or even accept that it's a problem. That also justifies the other partner seeking it elsewhere.

Basically, if you are concerned that a new partner has insufficient reverence for the holy state of monogamy, talk to him/her a bit about why s/he cheated in the past. It may have been a mistake, subsequently regretted and learned from. It may have been a survival strategy in horrible circumstances, again learned from (ie not to get into such a crap relationship in future, or walk away when it becomes clear that a relationship is doomed). Or s/he may just enjoy the buzz of infidelity, in which case you're best walking away yourself.

Though someone who has cheated on several partners and it was always the other partner's fault - definitely avoid. This person is a whinyarse with a lot of baggage and no brains.

[Mumofjz]

Couldn't have put it better myself Solid

"Once a cheat, always a cheat"? i think this is a too naive view

[cincodemayo]

I think that's often a flawed realisation though mumofjz. There doesn't have to be anything fundamentally wrong with a relationship for someone to cheat, but I think some people think there must be and blame the relationship or their husband/wife, rather than themselves. So instead of thinking 'this is my problem because I can't and don't want to say no' they think 'I'm a nice person and I wouldn't be doing this if I was happy'. That's why so many people regret leaving and want to go back to their former relationships.

But yes, if someone's been unhappy for a long time I think it can give someone the shoot up the behind to leave. I suppose that's about being truthful with yourself and how unhappy you really were before you had an affair.