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I feel like a fool. Am I?

(130 Posts)
4paws Wed 06-Feb-13 11:12:02

I am a SAHM and living overseas for the last 18 months. My youngest is now 3 and where we are living is OK. I can put up with it for a while longer!

My DH works hard and really enjoys his job, which is great. He doesn't work at weekends, and is good with the DCs. During the week, he hardly sees them, he's up early, and back late. By late I mean 8pm at the earliest mon-fri. The last few months he always seems to be late at night, meeting colleagues for dinner, going out for team drinks, presentation to prepare so he'll be back late. Drinks seem to mean 1am, dinner, 11pm, report to write, 9:30pm. It may all be true, I have no idea, no way of knowing. I don't think he is cheating (Lord knows everyone says that) but why he is he out every night? I know the jobs market is really tough at the moment (tho I've been out of it too long) and I know that he is really into his job and really like socialising with colleagues.

Clearly, what he's not into is spending time at home with me. I feel like an idiot because I have no idea ever where he is, what he is doing. If I am lucky I get an "oh, i'll be late home tonight" but that is it. This isn't my idea of family life, this isn't my idea of a relationship. I feel silly for thinking that I want to leave and to disrupt the DC's, but I also feel that this lifestyle is all lovely for him and it would be v easy for him to cheat, and the gullible fool at home wouldn't know. Or I am just paranoid and controlling.

I have spent years feeling unloved and ignored. I have been unhappy because he doesn't communicate, where he is, or answer his phone/texts whereas my argument is that when I was pg or with small DCs, he should answer, he should check, because he should be concerned that we were all ok, and actually he doesn't worry about it all.

Sorry for rambling

Abitwobblynow Thu 07-Feb-13 18:54:16

Hi, another expat here, I read the awful re-run of my life (almost word for word) with foreboding, and sorry I have to tell you he is f ing someone.

Really sorry 4paws, but even post affair my H has been revealed to be selfish, emotionally unavailable, and the workaholic is a cover to keep distance.

It doesn't matter. After terrible pain and suffering I now don't care any more and am getting on with life.

You have two choices: return home to UK, or start developing a life there. Do you have home help? Can you volunteer for anything? One thing leads to another.

But in both of those options STOP looking to him for connection and emotional support, because you won't get it (and if you look back) you never had it.

mummytime Belgium Thu 07-Feb-13 19:02:26

It all depends on the country, but make sure you know your rights, and don't give him hints that you may leave/take the children; whilst you make your plans.

Could you stay in the country you are in? Would you want to?
Where would your choices/career options be better?

Good luck!

Abitwobblynow Thu 07-Feb-13 19:20:10

PS and start squirrelling money NOW.

Mimishimi Fri 08-Feb-13 05:22:44

What does he say when you ask him where he has been at midnight? At one stage my DH was ,for months, regularly out of the house from about 7am to 9pm. I felt like a single mum. It was horrible and really put a strain on the relationship. He was always completely upfront with me about where and what he was doing though. I don't think I could have borne it had he not been.

Fairenuff Fri 08-Feb-13 08:18:12

He may have a wonderful, high paying job with great prospects, but it's not making you happy is it. I expect you'd be happier sharing a jacket pototato and baked beans with a man who loved you, respected you, admired you and you could have a laugh with. Someone who cherised you and wanted to grow old with you.

It really is the simple things in life that make us happy.

You won't be happy with this man whatever your circumstances. You could be rich together, poor together, alone on a desert island together. He still would not respect you because he truly believes you are a second class citizen and there to service his needs. If you weren't there, he would get someone else to do it.

Sorry, but it's no use waiting for him to change, wishing he would do x, y, z. It isn't going to happen.

Putting his existence aside. If he weren't on this earth at all and you just had to consider yourself. What would you do? What do you want for yourself?

Take some time to think about your own needs, without looking to him for answers. Then start making some plans, get legal advice, get financial advice, get busy getting your life back.

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