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It's not "pushy" to want to discuss and have some certainty about the future is it??

(18 Posts)
FireTailGobby Wed 06-Feb-13 08:17:15

My lovely DP is currently living with me in my house. When he first moved in he said he intended living with my and my children for a few months and then hopefully buying a house for us all to live in. I was dubious about this as it's something he's said three times before and then gone back on (saying I was rushing things) so when he said it this time I rubbished it and more or less said "yep, whatever".

So since he's been here we've both been struck down by illnesses, being rather grumpy with the world and had my wayward 12 year old son to deal with. Things have not been great. We rarely even have sex and considering we're still in the first year of our relationship is rather upsetting really.

Last night we talked and he reassured me that everything was fine, it was just a rough few weeks for us for various reasons but it was no reflection on our relationship.

What I'm thinking is, I should be entitled to some certainty/insight about our future. No good just rubbishing his ideas and plodding along in limbo in my head, I need to know, I feel we need some common goal.

So my question is, if I directly ask him if he still intends on us moving with him when he buys a house in a few months time, that isn't pushy is it?? I do deserve to know, right?

missmaryp Wed 06-Feb-13 08:18:11

Yes, you deserve to know what the future holds.

Is he paying you some form of rent, or paying a certain amount of the bills?

Is he buying this house totally on his own or are you buying it together?

You're in your first year of a relationship - how far into the year and how long after you got together did he move in?

CailinDana Wed 06-Feb-13 08:21:23

Of course it's not pushy to want to know where your own life is going! But think hard about what you want, don't be swayed by his decision - it sounds like for the time being at least it's best to hold off. If things are already a bit rubbish after only a year then it doesn't really bode well for the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 06-Feb-13 08:23:41

Why would you want to carry on in the relationship, let alone buy houses etc, when it's this bad this quickly?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 06-Feb-13 08:24:15

.... and why would he want to do the same?

Pagwatch Wed 06-Feb-13 08:30:58

I would stop worrying about where this is going and focus on what you want. It's all a bit negative when you should still be enjoying the living together thing.

Maybe it is a bad couple of weeks - illness can be challenging. But he sounds rather like he isn't especially worried about how happy you are and what he is bringing to the home.

expatinscotland Wed 06-Feb-13 08:31:21

What Cognito said. WTAF? You haven't even been together a year, he's already parked up at yours and things suck this badly?

Why are you even considering dragging your kids along to shack up with this person?

meditrina Wed 06-Feb-13 08:34:31

You need to focus on what you want.

Take a cold, hard look at whether his reasoning for a bad patch add up. The stressors are there, but do you like how he handles them?

Does he work? Does he pay you rent or contribute to the bills? A year is not a very long time, and it occurs to me that you might have a thorough cocklodger on your hands - the type who believes that you are so desperate for A Partner that he can get his feet under your table and keep them there, and all he has to do is make vague promises about The Future to ensure a constant supply of domestic servicing.

BIWI Wed 06-Feb-13 08:49:19

Your post makes it sound like you are very subservient to him and what he wants. What about what you want?

Oh dear OP. Yes I think you're absolutely entitled to ask about the future, he's living in your house!

I would be very nervous about someone who's always promising the moon 'in a few months'.

Paiviaso Wed 06-Feb-13 09:02:18

Maybe you should slow things down. You have only been together a year and you have already moved him in with you and your child, despite not knowing where the relationship is going. Your child's stability should be at your forefront in making any housing decisions.

But to answer your question, of course you are entitled to ask questions about the future. And if he doesn't answer them to your satisfaction, then you are not right for each other. It is better to recognise that sooner rather than later.

PartTimeModel Wed 06-Feb-13 09:36:55

Some guys just say stuff like this because it sounds good. Beyond being a nice idea they don't mean it at all (outside of their heads where it boosts their opinion of themselves) .
I'd be worried he was one of these types personally.

Helltotheno Wed 06-Feb-13 09:48:43

When he first moved in he said he intended living with my and my children for a few months and then hopefully buying a house for us all to live in.

So this is the knight in shining armour who's going to rescue you from your dreary life and you'll all live happily ever after? Pipe dreams, OP. Forget about him, what about your intentions? What about your kids? You had a nice little life before this by the sounds of it, and with the relationship already shaky, you'd be mad to take it any further. Build your own set of dreams, don't be relying on someone else to make your life complete.

Also, don't let the 'white picket fence' illusion blind you to the reality of a crappy relationship because you'll only regret that and your kids will be the ones who suffer.

Dahlen Wed 06-Feb-13 09:53:30

If it's this bad now, it's highly unlikely to improve. Ok, you've had external pressures, but in the first throes of romance these should have barely registered on your relationship. If there was anything worth hanging on to I'd have expected you both to find solace in each other, rather than it making cracks appear.

You've just moved in together. You should be shagging like rabbits and full of talk about your wonderful future together even if the sensible side of each of you knows that it would be prudent to wait a while before attempting to make those dreams a reality.

He's not a lovely DP at all; he sounds like a cocklodger. Whose idea primarily was it to move in with you and your children?.

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?.

And yes you do deserve to know what the future holds. If this is what it is like a year in, its not going to automatically get better 2-4 years down the line.

Where was he living prior to living in your house?.

What is his relationship history like?.

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