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Feel so trapped (long)

(37 Posts)
reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:31:01

Im not a mum but really dont know where else to turn as cant talk to my mum, dad or friends.

Ive been with my boyfriend for two years,lived together for one. Over the past 8 months hes become violent, getting worse each time I would say. Dont know if i should go into details or not but the last 3 days especially have been awful.

I know i should leave him but i feel trapped. He owes me £2000. I tried to leave him the other day but he then threatened other things. I know that if i was to leave he would make my life hell and not pay the rent so my parents would be out of pocket. I am so disappointed in myself and am so scared to tell anyone (especially my mum) as they think he is so lovely (which he can be) and it will just be another failure on my part and i hate the thought of my parents being even more disappointed in me and being a let down/failure to them. Im crying as i write this, not because of whats been done to me but because of what a rubbish daughter i am. My parents are such amazing people/parents and theyve got stuck with a really shit daughter.

The problem is he used to be so amazing, caring and loving. I really love him and i just feel so lost and trapped. I just want things to be how they used to be. I feel so scared and alone.

[This post has been edited by MNHQ to protect to OP's anonymity]

greeneyed Thu 07-Feb-13 07:06:03

Please tell your mum today OP. She would be heartbroken to think you couldn't tell her, agree just show her this thread if it's too difficult to get the word out. X

foolonthehill Wed 06-Feb-13 10:35:53

You are on your way OP little steps. You can get through this and have a better life. Hope you can tell your Mum (or show her the thread) today.

notnagging Wed 06-Feb-13 06:16:40

Op I am a landlady and I had a tenant in a similar situation, she never told me. I wish she had. I evicted her for non payment of rent & other issues. When she did vacate the house was full of dents. She had a safety glass & a panic button on the front door. I can't imagine how she lived. My point is landlords are not all scum. We are human, have family. My point is let your landlord know. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised with their reaction. Good luck.

ElectricSheep Wed 06-Feb-13 02:12:24

Yes it is legal because the flat is in OP's name so wanker bastard boyfriend has no legal right to be there.

BUT in my opinion you don't hang around to be fair, give warnings or argue with this type. You just go. It is safer and more sensible. You will not change this man or win an argument. You just have to let go of all your feelings, admit you made a mistake and that he is not the nice or decent person you thought he was, just a nasty bastard that you should never see again.

If the place is in your name and he's gone till Sunday, call the Landlord and have the locks changed before he gets back and bag up his stuff and drop it to his Mums house. (Is this legal? not sure but I'm sure one of these moms will know)
Stay safe and tell your parents, If you were mine I'd just want you home safe.

ElectricSheep Wed 06-Feb-13 01:37:57

You are missing him because you still think he is the person you first thought he was.

You fell in love with your idea of who he was - not the real him.

You have to let go of that idea of him now though.

Now you know he is a violent, nasty bully who makes threats against your family.

ElectricSheep Wed 06-Feb-13 01:34:08

Oh x post!

Why haven't you told your mum? What's stopping you?

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Wed 06-Feb-13 01:33:20

Cant sleep and just really wanted to ssay thank you for all your advice and help. All I want is to speak to my mum (v scared to still but baby steps I suppose) and speaking to you was kind of like talking to her (hope that doesnt sound weird) maybe because your mums I dont know....its so nice being with my parents and feeling safe even though im still scared. I don't make any sense I know. Worked out well for me today I was geared up for a row about me staying at my mums but hes gone to cornwall to see his brother until Sunday. Couldn't believe it when he told me. Im relieved just so I can think. But I do feel so stupid because I miss him...im such an idiot. Anyway i will sleep now.. im determined so night and thank you.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Wed 06-Feb-13 01:32:15

Cant sleep and just really wanted to ssay thank you for all your advice and help. All I want is to speak to my mum (v scared to still but baby steps I suppose) and speaking to you was kind of like talking to her (hope that doesnt sound weird) maybe because your mums I dont know....its so nice being with my parents and feeling safe even though im still scared. I don't make any sense I know. Worked out well for me today I was geared up for a row about me staying at my mums but hes gone to cornwall to see his brother until Sunday. Couldn't believe it when he told me. Im relieved just so I can think. But I do feel so stupid because I miss him...im such an idiot. Anyway i will sleep now.. im determined so night and thank you.

ElectricSheep Wed 06-Feb-13 01:32:04

Hope you're OK OP.

Don't feel bad about choosing this boyfriend. This type of violent, abusive man ios very good at putting on a nice front. It's only when you get to know them that you learn what they are really like. It's not your fault.

£2000 or shame should not stop you leaving though. Don't worry about his threats. Just go home and tell your mum. Then ring the police or women's aid with her support.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Wed 06-Feb-13 01:21:56

Thanks everyone. Ive been thinking hard about everything everyones said snd ive spoken to someone. Im at my mums now although i haven't told her anything just said I wanted to stay over. Sorry I haven't said more I'm shattered and off to try and sleep. ...been trying since 11 though..

Mosman Wed 06-Feb-13 01:14:16

Your mother will want you at home safe, every mother would please tell her and give her a chance to show you this situation is not right.

Narked Wed 06-Feb-13 01:08:36

Does he choose to hit men his own size who would hit him back? Or the woman who supports him financially and emotionally. He is a coward.

The only person your family and friends will think ill of when they find out what he's been doing will be him.

Give them the chance to show their love.

Damash12 Wed 06-Feb-13 00:57:45

Hi sweetie, just checking back from earlier post. Please let us know you are safe and hopefully with your family. If it helps or is hard for you to explain show them these posts. I have not a shred of doubtvtgatvthey will help you but please stick with it, don't ge swayed by his bullying and threats and even worse his possible apologies when you do make a stand. This man is a thug and his family/friends should know what he is. How do you think he would react to the possibility they may hear about this?? My ex shit himself, and made all sorts of excuses for his behaviour but it didn't wash. Good luck x

ManInBeige Wed 06-Feb-13 00:33:55

You don't sound shit, you sound fab.

Imagine I was stood outside your flat shouting this stuff. You'd dial 999. Why should it be any different for him?

YellowTulips Wed 06-Feb-13 00:18:58

Please call Women's Aid. They will support and help you.

They are used to dealing with situations such as yours when wider violence to family/friends is threatened.

It's just a phone call to start with so don't be afraid. You are not making any decisions or agreeing a course if action. One step at a time. You found the strength to post here. Please use that to call WA. thanks

If you are worried that your parents will not help you because you know that they are from a culture which despises women - ie they have brought you up to believe that a man rules the house and owns the women in it and violence against you is because you have not been sufficiently obedient - then phone WOmen's Aid and the police domestic violence unit.
This man is a worthless piece of shit and he is not above the law, even if he thinks he's some kind of wanky gangster. You do not have to live with him. You do not ever have to see him again. There is help out there and you can get away.

foolonthehill Tue 05-Feb-13 21:44:23

His threats just mean that you need to get out of there faster, then you and the people you love can be protected and stay safe.

When you are out you can call the police and tell them about the threats. If you have anything to show them good, if not it makes no difference. let the police do their job of protecting you, let your parents care for you.

None of this is your fault, but you do need to take it seriously and go. He will immobilise you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) don't let him.

You have a life ahead of you, go and make sure you can live it.

worryingandwobbling Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:51

Sweetheart, this guy has really blinded you. Nothing here is your fault, just his. He isn't going to change. If anything, this will all get worse. When you look 1 year or 5 years down the line is this where you want to be?

If you were my daughter it would break my heart that you even thought about staying there. All of his threats are about having power over you. The only thing that matters is getting out safely to somewhere safe. Talk to your mum - she'll be upset for you and want to help but she'd be completely heartbroken if she knew you were suffering in silence.

He's a bully. He's an abusive violent bully. His threats are designed to control you, isolate you and keep you where you are. But he does also sound dangerous so you need to get away safely and tell him from a distance that it's over.

There are a whole host of practical things that will come after that but right now the only thing that matters is that you get out. Safely. The rest is just details.

In my early twenties a good friend called me from a police station. Her abusive bf had beaten her, threatened her and abused her. She'd left the flat they shared in a panic and he ripped her keys and purse etc out of her hand on the way out. She was left barefoot in the street, injured, with no friends nearby. It was a brutal sort of favour. She was left with no option but to go to the police station and get help.

None of us knew this had been going on for months. She felt like you do about talking to her parents and unsurprisingly, he also owed her money. I spent hours trying to talk her into going to her parents and failed. In the end I called them. They were not angry with anyone other than him. They were desperately concerned for her and were on my doorstep within the 2 hours it took to drive to my place from theirs to scoop her up. They didn't give one hoot about money, just like your parents won't. They negotiated an early release from her tenancy and helped her in a million other ways. His threats about her leaving amounted to very little in the end once he was clear it was over (and the police had cautioned him) but everyone still took them very seriously, the police included.

She's now in her mid thirties and is happily married to a lovely, kind and gentle man. She's doing brilliantly in her career and the violence and abuse of that bf is just a distant memory. Please get out.

DialsMavis Tue 05-Feb-13 15:13:41

He won't hurt your family, he is a nasty little bully who has broken you down with his lies and abuse.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 05-Feb-13 14:50:11

Get a copy of that message, and get out of there - grab a friend/parent and phone the police from a safe place. Show them the copy of the threatening message. Tell them EVERYTHING.

You need to leave NOW.

Your parents and friends would want you to leave, I promise. If my daughter were in your situation I wouldn't care what your bf had threatened to do to me; I would just want to get you away from him and then we would work out how to protect you. He is blackmailing you. Leave him.

You must be terrified and you are so young, I'm so sorry that you are in this position.... but you can change the path you're on, you can leave now. Don't wait until its too late. x

mummytime Belgium Tue 05-Feb-13 14:44:51

Has he made any of these threats in writing (text or email)?

In your situation I would go to the police station, and refuse to leave until I could be protected. You also need to tell your parents.

If you can't face going to the police, then at least phone Women's aid and get their advice.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:42:47

Think he might of meant to smash my car up in the message but im worried in case I got it wrong. Dont care if he smashes my car up just care about people I care about. Lady mercy: he knows where all my friends live

Thank you all so much

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:39:56

Im really scared that if I do anything like go to the police or leave he will do something to friends or family. At first I thought he was just trying to scare me but then I saw a message to someone saying if he ever gets arrested they know what to do. I just dont understand how ive ended up here. He was nothing like this when I met him and when we got together. Hes got all the power and he knows it. Ive got nothing I can use against him. I have a bag packed in my car but I just keep thinking about what could happen if I left. I dont want to be me anymore. And I just want my mum. But if I do anything I feel like im putting her at risk.

Damash12 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:51

Ok, only read your post and not the replies so aplpolgies if I say the same as others. Get the hell out of there right now. Not tomorrow, not the week after, TODAY. You are feeling this low because you are scared, you are not an embarrassment to your family and your mother/ father would be mortified to think you have stayed to avoid thinking you have let them down. They will find out sooner anyway and be heartbroken you didn't leave sooner. £2000? £20,000? Who cares when your safety is at risk. Aren't you worth more than 2k??? My 32 birthday/ engagement party my new "fiancée" decided to get violent that same night as the taxi was late!!!! Smashed up my home and I hid sobbing in the spare room all night wondering what I could do?? How could I tell anyone?? How could I go to my mum, she probably hasn't even got over having such a late night never mind hearing about what he had done. The next day, I knew it would never change and knew it wasn't the life for me but guess what he owed me just over £2000!!!! I told him I was taking the dog out for a walk, got his house keys off his key ring so I knew he couldn't get back in and called my brother from a pay phone. I went to my dads first and told him and then put up with a night of phone calls and abuse. I then told his mother to get him out my house. The following day I went to my mums and she cried when I told her.... So pleeaaasse do not stay, go to your mum. And finally I threatened him with a small claims court for the money he owed. I also again told his parents and they coughed up £500 but to be honest. 12 years later, I've never forgot every detail and never regretted getting out no matter what friends had to think or say. Start threatening him with telling his family what scum he actually is but please don't stay. Good luck, xx

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