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Feel so trapped (long)

(37 Posts)
reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:31:01

Im not a mum but really dont know where else to turn as cant talk to my mum, dad or friends.

Ive been with my boyfriend for two years,lived together for one. Over the past 8 months hes become violent, getting worse each time I would say. Dont know if i should go into details or not but the last 3 days especially have been awful.

I know i should leave him but i feel trapped. He owes me £2000. I tried to leave him the other day but he then threatened other things. I know that if i was to leave he would make my life hell and not pay the rent so my parents would be out of pocket. I am so disappointed in myself and am so scared to tell anyone (especially my mum) as they think he is so lovely (which he can be) and it will just be another failure on my part and i hate the thought of my parents being even more disappointed in me and being a let down/failure to them. Im crying as i write this, not because of whats been done to me but because of what a rubbish daughter i am. My parents are such amazing people/parents and theyve got stuck with a really shit daughter.

The problem is he used to be so amazing, caring and loving. I really love him and i just feel so lost and trapped. I just want things to be how they used to be. I feel so scared and alone.

[This post has been edited by MNHQ to protect to OP's anonymity]

Dahlen Tue 05-Feb-13 12:38:51

sad So sorry you're going through this.

You're 21. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You don't have children with this man and you are renting, not in a mortgage. You only feel trapped because of your emotions. You're not practically trapped at all really.

This will only get worse, not better. By staying you will find it even harder to get out. If you leave now, the damage is easily overcome.

£2000 is a lot of money, but not insurmountable. And I doubt very much your parents will think you are a shit daughter. My guess is that part of the reason they keep giving you money is because they worry about you and want to help you. I suspect they'll be delighted if you leave your partner.

Whose name is the rent in? You might want to post in legal, but you may well be able to give your notice and remove your parents as guarantors while leaving your X where he is to negotiate his own arrangements with the landlord.

The main thing to realise is that the person you thought your X was doesn't really exist - it was an act to win you over. None of this is your fault and if you'd been the most perfect person in the world he'd have still found something to blame on you and give him the excuse to hit you because it's about him, not you. The person you see now is the real him and you cannot help him however much he or you may want to. He can only help himself in the same way that an alcoholic can only help himself. You might want to read this book to gain an insight into things and to arm yourself against any attempts by your partner to win you back if you leave.

You CAN do this and your life will be so, so much better for it. Good luck.

I didn't want to read and run, and someone with more expertise and experience will be along shortly.

I think if your wonderful parents (not sarcasm here, I'm serious!) knew what you were going through, they'd say Eff the money, come home. You are not a shit daughter - you just made a shit choice of man, who makes you feel that way about yourself.

You need to get out, you know that already, ring WA, your friends, the police, just tell someone in RL what's been going on and get out. You can just walk away in the clothes on your back, anything is better than staying with an abuser. Plenty of people have shit childhoods and AREN'T abusive.

But be very careful - if abusers realise that their victim is slipping away from them, they ramp up the abuse (and this particular vile specimen is already violent)

He doesn't deserve a conversation where you tell him beforehand that you are leaving - when he is out of the house, get what you can carry, and go - send an email when you are safely away. If you need to go back for stuff, take burly men with you for safety.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:46:56

The flat is in my name. Thats the thing there are some days where i feel really strong and i know if my parents knew they wouldnt care about the money or any of it but im just so ashamed and feel so guilty. All my family love him and say im so lucky and i just feel like such an idiot. I dont know how this happened. Im so scared of what he would do if i left because of things he threatened/said before (in anger but i just dont know if he would or not).

I keep clinging to the hope that the CBT will help and he will change but what if it doesnt. I love him so much and I know that he loves me he just gets so angry.

I must sound so pathetic.

foolonthehill Tue 05-Feb-13 12:53:43

The shame and the guilt are his...not yours. You made one bad choice based on the man you thought he was, not the man he has shown himself to be.

I am sorry that he has had troubles in his life, but many people do, that does not make it acceptable to abuse YOU. He needs to heal himself and seek help, it is not your job to make him better.

The violence is real, the threats are real: don't wait around to see if he would carry them out.

Love like this traps us, it does not make us grow into the people we should be. That is what love should be...a mutually empowering, mutually respectful, mutually caring relationship.

Don't think any more, make plans and go. There is a whole world full of good things out there and your parents will want you to experience them.

Dahlen Tue 05-Feb-13 12:59:43

The chances are he won't change. Less than 5% do. You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

If the flat is in your name, you have nothing to lose. Give in your notice and remove your parents as guarantors effective from the date you leave. Do not tell your boyfriend that you have done this until later, but explain to the landlord when you give your notice that your boyfriend is there and may well refuse to leave despite the fact that you have told him he must leave by the date of your notice. Then your BF becomes, in effect, a squatter or trespasser if he doesn't leave by that point and it's not your problem (again, you might want to check this in legal).

Then arrange to move your stuff and leave the flat when your BF isn't there. Do this asap. Only then tell your BF that he has to leave by such and such a date, and make sure you have someone with you when you do so. As long as it's two weeks or more, that's perfectly reasonable.

FellaNextDoor Tue 05-Feb-13 13:07:21

OP As a Dad to 2 DDs in their 20's I can assure you that your parent's concern above all else is your safety and happiness. The money will be looked after somehow and please don't judge yourself so harshly.
Violence under any circumstances is not acceptable and I suggest going somewhere safe (probably to your parents) until you are satisfied that any therapy he has completed has been a success and that he can re-enter a relationship where violence is absent.
Please do not judge yourself; as a parent we love our children unconditionally and if I were in the place of your parents I would so much rather you shared your position than tried to get through without talking.
Together you will be stronger and you can get through this.

HRH008 Tue 05-Feb-13 13:20:47

Agreeing with FellaNextDoor

Please OP, tell your parents. From what you`ve said, they are great and I am sure that they will want to help and protect you. We can ALL make relationship mistakes, and your boyfriend being able to put on a face and deceive them says everything about HIM, not you.

Please take responsibility for your own safety and go to your folks now.

God, if I could ever save this and show my daughters so that they know that we are ALWAYS there for our children, always.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:43

Cant end the tenancy for another 5 months. Hes said before that if I try and leave he'll come after ny friends and family. Feel like im living in some horrific film. I thought about going to the police or getting an injunction but he wouldn't care. Hes threatened before that if I ever went to the police hed send people after me.

I never even knew about this side of him. I just wish I could turn back time and that id never met him. He was supposed to be different than my cheating ex but hes even worse. I dont even know who he is anymore. Im scared that if I leave he'll hurt people I care about and I'd rather just take it myself. I just can't see an exit without it going wrong.

LadyMercy Tue 05-Feb-13 13:54:30

So, you have your amazing mum. On one hand she can have my daughter, healthy, happy and safe. On the other hand, she could have about 2 grand. Which one do you think she is going to pick? It is not even comparable. As someone above said, 2k is a lot, but not insurmountable.

This is not your fault at all and I'm really really worried that you say he is getting worse each time he gets violent.

At the very least, can you go and stay with your parents for a few days to give you time to think, away from him?

LadyMercy Tue 05-Feb-13 13:57:12

X posted.

So if you're worried to go to your parents, can you go to a friend that he doesn't know? Do you have any text messages or emails containing the threats that you could take to the police?

Dryjuice25 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:11:14

Keep evidence of threats and give to the police/yourparents.
Your life is worth more than £2000. This guy sounds feral. Please leave the bastard. Enlighten your parents about this, they will want you safe and alive. This guy sounds dangerous and unhinged.

By the way you are not trapped. You have no kids/marriage. Money can be replaced but your life/worth can't. £2k wont make him rich although I see how unfair it is. I would personally view the £2k as a price to pay for your freedom. You deserve more than this and he will never change I'm afraid.

Damash12 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:30:51

Ok, only read your post and not the replies so aplpolgies if I say the same as others. Get the hell out of there right now. Not tomorrow, not the week after, TODAY. You are feeling this low because you are scared, you are not an embarrassment to your family and your mother/ father would be mortified to think you have stayed to avoid thinking you have let them down. They will find out sooner anyway and be heartbroken you didn't leave sooner. £2000? £20,000? Who cares when your safety is at risk. Aren't you worth more than 2k??? My 32 birthday/ engagement party my new "fiancée" decided to get violent that same night as the taxi was late!!!! Smashed up my home and I hid sobbing in the spare room all night wondering what I could do?? How could I tell anyone?? How could I go to my mum, she probably hasn't even got over having such a late night never mind hearing about what he had done. The next day, I knew it would never change and knew it wasn't the life for me but guess what he owed me just over £2000!!!! I told him I was taking the dog out for a walk, got his house keys off his key ring so I knew he couldn't get back in and called my brother from a pay phone. I went to my dads first and told him and then put up with a night of phone calls and abuse. I then told his mother to get him out my house. The following day I went to my mums and she cried when I told her.... So pleeaaasse do not stay, go to your mum. And finally I threatened him with a small claims court for the money he owed. I also again told his parents and they coughed up £500 but to be honest. 12 years later, I've never forgot every detail and never regretted getting out no matter what friends had to think or say. Start threatening him with telling his family what scum he actually is but please don't stay. Good luck, xx

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:39:56

Im really scared that if I do anything like go to the police or leave he will do something to friends or family. At first I thought he was just trying to scare me but then I saw a message to someone saying if he ever gets arrested they know what to do. I just dont understand how ive ended up here. He was nothing like this when I met him and when we got together. Hes got all the power and he knows it. Ive got nothing I can use against him. I have a bag packed in my car but I just keep thinking about what could happen if I left. I dont want to be me anymore. And I just want my mum. But if I do anything I feel like im putting her at risk.

reallyneedsomeadvice2013 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:42:47

Think he might of meant to smash my car up in the message but im worried in case I got it wrong. Dont care if he smashes my car up just care about people I care about. Lady mercy: he knows where all my friends live

Thank you all so much

mummytime Tue 05-Feb-13 14:44:51

Has he made any of these threats in writing (text or email)?

In your situation I would go to the police station, and refuse to leave until I could be protected. You also need to tell your parents.

If you can't face going to the police, then at least phone Women's aid and get their advice.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 05-Feb-13 14:50:11

Get a copy of that message, and get out of there - grab a friend/parent and phone the police from a safe place. Show them the copy of the threatening message. Tell them EVERYTHING.

You need to leave NOW.

Your parents and friends would want you to leave, I promise. If my daughter were in your situation I wouldn't care what your bf had threatened to do to me; I would just want to get you away from him and then we would work out how to protect you. He is blackmailing you. Leave him.

You must be terrified and you are so young, I'm so sorry that you are in this position.... but you can change the path you're on, you can leave now. Don't wait until its too late. x

DialsMavis Tue 05-Feb-13 15:13:41

He won't hurt your family, he is a nasty little bully who has broken you down with his lies and abuse.

worryingandwobbling Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:51

Sweetheart, this guy has really blinded you. Nothing here is your fault, just his. He isn't going to change. If anything, this will all get worse. When you look 1 year or 5 years down the line is this where you want to be?

If you were my daughter it would break my heart that you even thought about staying there. All of his threats are about having power over you. The only thing that matters is getting out safely to somewhere safe. Talk to your mum - she'll be upset for you and want to help but she'd be completely heartbroken if she knew you were suffering in silence.

He's a bully. He's an abusive violent bully. His threats are designed to control you, isolate you and keep you where you are. But he does also sound dangerous so you need to get away safely and tell him from a distance that it's over.

There are a whole host of practical things that will come after that but right now the only thing that matters is that you get out. Safely. The rest is just details.

In my early twenties a good friend called me from a police station. Her abusive bf had beaten her, threatened her and abused her. She'd left the flat they shared in a panic and he ripped her keys and purse etc out of her hand on the way out. She was left barefoot in the street, injured, with no friends nearby. It was a brutal sort of favour. She was left with no option but to go to the police station and get help.

None of us knew this had been going on for months. She felt like you do about talking to her parents and unsurprisingly, he also owed her money. I spent hours trying to talk her into going to her parents and failed. In the end I called them. They were not angry with anyone other than him. They were desperately concerned for her and were on my doorstep within the 2 hours it took to drive to my place from theirs to scoop her up. They didn't give one hoot about money, just like your parents won't. They negotiated an early release from her tenancy and helped her in a million other ways. His threats about her leaving amounted to very little in the end once he was clear it was over (and the police had cautioned him) but everyone still took them very seriously, the police included.

She's now in her mid thirties and is happily married to a lovely, kind and gentle man. She's doing brilliantly in her career and the violence and abuse of that bf is just a distant memory. Please get out.

foolonthehill Tue 05-Feb-13 21:44:23

His threats just mean that you need to get out of there faster, then you and the people you love can be protected and stay safe.

When you are out you can call the police and tell them about the threats. If you have anything to show them good, if not it makes no difference. let the police do their job of protecting you, let your parents care for you.

None of this is your fault, but you do need to take it seriously and go. He will immobilise you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) don't let him.

You have a life ahead of you, go and make sure you can live it.

If you are worried that your parents will not help you because you know that they are from a culture which despises women - ie they have brought you up to believe that a man rules the house and owns the women in it and violence against you is because you have not been sufficiently obedient - then phone WOmen's Aid and the police domestic violence unit.
This man is a worthless piece of shit and he is not above the law, even if he thinks he's some kind of wanky gangster. You do not have to live with him. You do not ever have to see him again. There is help out there and you can get away.

YellowTulips Wed 06-Feb-13 00:18:58

Please call Women's Aid. They will support and help you.

They are used to dealing with situations such as yours when wider violence to family/friends is threatened.

It's just a phone call to start with so don't be afraid. You are not making any decisions or agreeing a course if action. One step at a time. You found the strength to post here. Please use that to call WA. thanks

ManInBeige Wed 06-Feb-13 00:33:55

You don't sound shit, you sound fab.

Imagine I was stood outside your flat shouting this stuff. You'd dial 999. Why should it be any different for him?

Damash12 Wed 06-Feb-13 00:57:45

Hi sweetie, just checking back from earlier post. Please let us know you are safe and hopefully with your family. If it helps or is hard for you to explain show them these posts. I have not a shred of doubtvtgatvthey will help you but please stick with it, don't ge swayed by his bullying and threats and even worse his possible apologies when you do make a stand. This man is a thug and his family/friends should know what he is. How do you think he would react to the possibility they may hear about this?? My ex shit himself, and made all sorts of excuses for his behaviour but it didn't wash. Good luck x

Narked Wed 06-Feb-13 01:08:36

Does he choose to hit men his own size who would hit him back? Or the woman who supports him financially and emotionally. He is a coward.

The only person your family and friends will think ill of when they find out what he's been doing will be him.

Give them the chance to show their love.

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