Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
13 yr old wants to find her father(8 Posts)
posted this in "legal matters" but got told to post it here instead!!!!!
Hi there to everyone who takes the time out to read this.
I need advice really but 1st its only fair I tell the whole story.
In 1999 I worked with this guy who I ended up having a fumble with. I informed him that I was pregnant and he all of a sudden left the company. I carried on with the pregnancy and even though even his friends told him that my daughter looks like him etc and that his the father he continued to run away from it.
I have never gone through the CSA as it was my decision to have my daughter and she is my responsability. About 3 years ago she started asking questions about her Bio father so I contacted him on a networking site and said that I have never persued him for money etc but that she had started asking about him and that I would help her find him.
8 months ago I tried to contact him again but he had blocked me. I had no other choice but to explain the situation to his mother who I have never spoken to before and who was unaware of the fact that he had got a girl pregnant. All we wanted was to find out more about that side of her....like is her father sporty as she is etc. But we got no reply. So we waited a few months and contacted his new partner asking for him to contact me but nothing.
Yesterday I went against everything that I beleave in and contacted the CSA. This isnt about me or money. As my daughter has said "I want them to know I exist". The CSA have said that they found him on the system etc with the details I provieded.
The questions I would like feedback on are:
If they send him a letter and he ignores it eg. throws it in the bin what happens?
will they continue to try and contact him?
what happens if he never contacts them to talk to them that his named as my daughters father?
will I find this as another dead end?
This has never been about money or I would have contacted the CSA before but he just ignores me and I promised I would help my daughter contact her Bio father.
I know that he has always denied his her father so he will probably just bin any letter from the CSA
Theoretically, if he throws all correspondance away, they'll remove the money he owes you daughter from his wage directly each month.
He doesn't need to talk to them. He can either accept that he is her father, to them, and allow them to remove the money from his wage, or he can dispute that he is her father and have a DNA test done, again through the CSA. If the DNA proves he is your daughters father, they'll remove money again.
Your daughter will never get contact through this method. He doesn't even really need to respond to the CSA...they'll take the money through force if they have too.
I'd recommend counselling for your daughter, because it doesn't sound like her father wants a relationship with her. I know you are trying to do best by her, but there is a very real possibility that if you force contact, it could damage your daughter hugely. It is infinitely better to never talk to your father than to hear some of the things that can be said.
If you've contacted her dad, her dad's girlfriend and her grandmother, with no response, it's safe to say that they know about your daughter and have discussed her. They have decided not to respond. That may be because he does not believe she is his, in which case he'll request DNA, or it may be because he felt trapped/tricked/wasn't ready. Regardless, he'll have his reasons. It doesn't make them right, and it's horrid that he can't try to have a relationship with his daughter, but you can't force one.
he wasnt ready he was young and thats why I went it alone and left him to it but sadly I have had to try and find him again.
the counselling route does sound like a good route to go down. I have discussed with her that he probably does not want to be found as he has not wanted to before. i have explained to her that he was young and that he was scared and ran away and that does not make him a bad person.
Im just stuck on what to do. Its very upsetting for us both as it was my choice to have her and have been very happy doing it alone for all these years but now im feeling gulty that she feels this way because of something that i did.
The problem is that the csa has nothing to do with visitation.
He may decide to pay up. It doesn't mean he will see your dd.
You can close the case with the csa (only suggesting this as you seem adamant that you didn't want to do it) and explain to your dd and perhaps organise some counselling so she can deal with the fact her dad doesn't want to see her.
The csa and he relatives can not force him to contact your dd.
Really sorry that you and your dd are in this situation.
I guess going through the CSA is a way of making him acknowledge that he has a daughter in a very fundamental way, he has to pay for her. Who knows what that might lead to. If he's burying his head in the sand and hiding from it, it MIGHT be the trigger to finally grow up and deal with it... or not. You never know.
He doesn't have to acknowledge though. He can refuse a dna test then the csa will presume the child is his and he will be told to pay. Which he may do.
At no point will he have actually acknowledged anything.
His whole family seem fucked up! This is not what reasonably people would do when they are made aware of the existence of their own flesh and blood. I am surprised that not even one of the people you contacted bothered to find out more about your dd, even if it's just to prove the DNA!
He might pay but from the whole family reaction, I see him remaining a prick for a very long time as they seem to be rooting for his immature reaction to the whole saga.
Your poor daughter. I second councelling too for her. Good Luck
There are so many bio dads that make their ex's lives and their DC's lives hellish through their demands and, sometimes, simple existence, that I think you'd be foolish to pursue this.
Close CSA case, get your dd counselling and help her grieve the loss of a father. If he doesn't want to know- he is the one who truly misses out. You cannot make someone see if they don't open their eyes.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.