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How do i help my Kids

(9 Posts)
CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Feb-13 17:16:07

Another one supporting the idea that Dad has done a Very Bad Thing. His family sound quite horrible and I'd also be giving them a very wide berth. In the meantime, plan some nice things for you and the DCs to do together, keep their schedule as normal as possible and probably have a word with schools if you think the behavioural problems need some extra pastoral help.

Dryjuice25 Tue 05-Feb-13 16:29:08

I agree with Dahlen too. I would do that too in that position.

Sorry op he is an utter twat and coward to keep all off you dangling off his mess. Just be strong for your dc who are understandably destraught about this. You will get stronger and I'm sure you will give these dcs the love they deserve. He doesn't seem to realise what he has done. Twat.

aven Tue 05-Feb-13 16:02:43

Dahlen I am so glad you suggested that. I have been going over this idea in my head as I keep thinking if I make excuses they start to see him as some sort of mythical creature and begin to idolise him. I feel its important they know that his behaviour is very wrong (without bad mouthing him of course) as I would hate for them to think that this is an appropriate way for a father to behave. And I totally agree he is a complete Bastard.

Dahlen Tue 05-Feb-13 15:35:05

And what a bastard! angry

Dahlen Tue 05-Feb-13 15:34:46

You here a lot about how important it is not to say anything negative about the absent parent when parents separate. This is one of those occasions where that advice is inappropriate. Don't slag him off, and don't ascribe motives for him because you don't know what they are, but it's important I think for your DD to hear you say that you don't know why Daddy has gone but it is bad of him to leave her like that. She needs to know that the fault is his, and not hers.

If she grows up knowing it's not her fault and seeing the unconditional love from you, she will be ok. It will probably leave a mark, but not one that's going to mess up her future relationships.

gemdrop84 Tue 05-Feb-13 15:27:58

Your poor dds, I was also once a little 6yr old whose dad walked out on her and grieved for him terribly. It's an awful feeling, like I didn't feel wanted or there must be something wrong with me and it pains me now, especially since becoming a mum, don't understand how anyone can just leave their children like that. All I can say is surround your dd with family who love her, reassure her that it's not her fault. It will be difficult for you all but she has a wonderful mum in you! I have massive respect for my mum\family and love them dearly for getting us through it.

aven Tue 05-Feb-13 15:07:49

Thanks Doingitformyself. I really feel lost with this whole situation right now and i am devastated for my children yet so angry at my ex. It's like one minute he was here being their dad and the next gone and our whole world ripped apart. I am struggling with the idea of him getting on with a brand new life an we are left here with this mess. My poor DC have done nothing to deserve being treated this way.

DoingItForMyself Tue 05-Feb-13 12:31:50

Your poor DCs and poor you, what a terrible shock for you all. No advice other than to keep reassuring them that you are always going to be there for them whatever happens and try to let the youngest know that however she behaves, no matter how angry or unreasonable she is being, that you love her more than anything and it was not because of her or anything she did (kids tend to blame themselves when things go wrong).

For yourself I can only hope that life without such a selfish prick will be better for you in the long run, but I imagine it will take time for you to really believe that, so in the meantime, an unMN hug for you (()) xx

aven Tue 05-Feb-13 12:14:21

Ok, this could be very long winded but i'll try to keep it as short as i can.
basically Ex dp abandoned us just before Christmas. He fled to a new life and job in Australia. I have 2 dc, 6 & 14. 14 year old from previous relationship but ex dp took on the role of father when he was 5 years old. So after 9 years together and a beautiful dd he ups and leaves Christmas week and has had no contact with children since. He refuses to call them or write to them. I have begged his whole family to get him to call them and have been met with pure malice from them. I have tried to explain how distraught my dc are at their father abandoning them and was told by his family the DC have no reason to be upset that apparently men leave, that's life, and if i was doing my job properly the dc wouldn't be upset at all sad.
Anyway, all this aside, my 6 year old is beside herself with what i can only describe a grief for her father. I have tried everything i can think of to help her and have even started her in a school counselling program but she is just not settling at all. She cries no stop for her daddy and has even started to take her anger out on me telling me she wishes i would leave her too. How do i help her through this? What do i tell her? I know this sounds awful but if he were dead this would be easier for the dc to accept. Right now they know he is just ignoring them. How can any father just walk away from his children and not look back?
Does anyone have any advice on how i get my Dc through this nightmare? I'm struggling with this myself but know i need to concentrate on the children first.
Thanks for reading.

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