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How much advice to give adult DD about her relationship?

(47 Posts)
Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 11:27:11

Going to keep this fairly brief for anon reasons etc.

But DD is now house sharing with her long term boyfriend from uni- both early 20s.

He has had a major wobble and said he wants them to split up- after less than 6 months sharing the house ( rented.) He dumped her 2 years ago for similar reasons but after a few months siad it was all a mistake and she took him back.

I don't want to detail all the reasons for the split but he has criticsed her " character faults" as he sees them, including a lack of confidence and he appears to be blaming her for being stuck in his own life re. career etc- not yet got a job he wants.

She is wanting to hold onto him and I see so many red flags I feel she ought to let go, especially as this is the 2nd time he has done this to her.

She is asking my advice but I know that when you love a guy the last thing you need is someone- your mum especially- telling you to let go. But I wonder if it's time to really tell her what I think of him, based on what we have seen and feel about him?

I believe they are in a pattern which will repeat itself time and time again- him blaming her for his own inadequacies and expecting her to change into someone else to suit him.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 18:35:59

Your choice, of course

I hope your daughter will be ok.

Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 18:24:20

senua- they have a joint tenancy so if one leaves the other does. She's a professional person earning a good salary- she wouldn't get into a house share where she was able to be "kicked out".

Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 18:21:59

I'm sorry but I don't like this haranging that's cropped up lately trying to convince me there is an OW.

None of you know that any more than I do. It's guess work.

I acknowledged several posts back that it was possible but not likely. I am not prepared to speculate any further than that and neither should anyone else who has only the info here to go on. Her conversation with me- almost 2 hours- told me a lot about what they had said to each other and what I have written here is the bare bones.

My question was how much do I say when asked for advice. Some of the posts have ben very helpful so thanks for that and I'll bear it all in mind when we talk again. I won't be posting any more .

senua Tue 05-Feb-13 17:57:38

whether to renew their lease in 6 weeks time?

On a practical note: who pays the rent? What is the worst case scenario - that he kicks her out after signing the lease but she is still liable for his lodgings?
Suggest that, if nothing else, they get separate digs until they have sorted themselves out. The distance might help her see sense.

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 17:44:34

Yes it does seem odd. Almost as though the OP doesn't want her daughter putting 2 and 2 together about a similar chain of events in another relationship.

Agree that cheating nearly always causes the scales to fall from a woman's eyes, even if she's been putting up with all sorts of crap before. If this bloke is cheating, it wouldn't be the daughter's fault would it? So much less likely to lead to self-blame than believing she's no fun, doesn't have friends and is too needy, surely?

CailinDana Tue 05-Feb-13 17:42:36

IMO it's much more effective to help a person to come a conclusion themselves rather than telling them - you will inevitably be slightly off the mark which will allow her to dismiss your ideas because you "don't understand." Don't tell her, ask her.

Ask her things like:

What's your gut feeling on all this?
Why do you feel that way?
Ideally how would you like things to be?
Do you think it will ever be like that?
Do you think in ten years time things will be better/different, or that you'll still be having the same issues?
Can you see yourself having children with him?
Do your friends like him? Why/why not?
If your friend was having the same issues, what would you say to her?

Anything that she mentions, question her further - why do you feel that way? Do you think that's true? etc etc. What you want is for her to be honest with herself about how she feels and stop trying to make out that things are ok when they're not.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:43

after 4 months he is saying they take each other for granted, she is no longer "fun", it's not "romantic" any more

This thread has moved on since I posted earlier. I don't necessarily think there's an OW (yet). Christmas and new year are long past, he's out of work, she's got a busy week. Job hunting and little money can be demoralising, but why take it out on her. I won't even ask if he does actually pull his weight domestically or is that just boring, no-fun, non-romantic stuff too?

Maybe you could say something like, "IF I were an interfering mother, I'd tell you he's sucking the joy out of your life and you're worth 10 of him, so if he loves himself as much as all that but not you any more, let him go - but as I'm not, I'll keep quiet".

Maybe she could make a real effort for Valentine's Day - summon up her strength, pack his bags, tell him to go to the far side of fuck.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 17:31:19

True, cheese.

But if he's not her cake, that can be the decider for many women. Anyway, we don't know, Op doesn't know if there is OW. It's just a bit puzzling why she is dismissing it so readily.

CheeseStrawWars Tue 05-Feb-13 17:27:38

The OW is a red herring, imo. This man sounds like he is treating the daughter badly. She needs to wise up and get out. If there is an OW, that's the icing on a crappy cake, but the cake is crappy regardless...

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 16:50:54

this bloke goes about his business

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 16:50:13

"Without going into more detail" I don't understand why you are so sure the idea of OW is a complete no-no

This is your daughter we are talking about here, yes ? You don't live with her and see how this goes about his business on a daily basis ? if that is the case, I think you are doing her a dis-service to not even mention it as a possible reason for his nasty behaviour ?

Do you understand that in some emotionally-manipulative relationships, the common denominator in a woman finally saying "enough is enough" is infidelity ? Because while you are in complete denial about that possibility you can say to yourself "at least he is MY emotional abuser...."

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 16:23:26

Well I'm sure you have your reasons for that decision. As long as they are based on your take of your daughter's particular situation, you'll know you're acting in good faith as her mum.

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:42

Go through this with her. She should be able to say that she has all of these in place in her relationship. It doesn't sound like she does though.

Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 16:11:52

I am going to pass on the OW idea for the moment because i think it is unlikely- sorry but without going into more details I don't think it's the case. Possible of course but not likely.

Re. relocate- she does not want to relocate yet- she is being trained in her job and needs this training to make it easier to move but she does have medium terms plans to move some distance away- maybe in 6-9 months- where she ought to be able to find the work she does.

I think I need to focus on what to say to her rather than confuse her more with ideas of the OW which may or may not- and prob not- the issue.

slug Tue 05-Feb-13 16:07:55

Point her in the direction of a few of the red flag sites on the internet or possibly buy her the Lundy book and let her make up her own mind?

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:45:51

I'm a bit puzzled why it hasn't occurred to you that he's been messing around. If this was my daughter, it would be my first thought and if she asked me for advice, is what I'd (very gently) suggest was happening. I'd rather her realise that character assassinations are what people do when they are messing around, than for her to think that any of these criticisms were based on truth.

Is there any reason you're holding back on suggesting this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Feb-13 15:39:31

When you say 'new accommodation' would she still be in the same geographic area? Any chance she can relocate.... put some real distance between them?

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:37:18

These arsehole types never "just say so"

They would rather makes someone else feel like shit, than make themselves look like shit.

YellowTulips Tue 05-Feb-13 15:29:05

What does she want him to be rather than the reverse?

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:20:33

Why doesn't he just say so?

Because as we all know, when people leave for an OW or OM, they don't want to be blamed for that - and they also like to have a fallback if the new relationship doesn't work out. That worked pretty well for him last time didn't it?

Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:49

Well if there is someone else, why doesn't he just say so? Why do they need to keep talking about what to do- and whether to renew their lease in 6 weeks time?

It would be kinder to tell her they are just not compatible IHO and end it kindly than assassinate who she is.

My big worry is that I advised her to move on- and start looking for new accommodation, and she agreed- then the next day it seemed to be as if they were talking it all over and she was moving towards what he "wanted her to be". IYSWIM trying to please him.

YellowTulips Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:04

He sounds like an immature asshole tbh. All very "it's all about me".

Apart from fuelling her sense of anxiety I can't see what your DD gets out of this.

Quite frankly it's no good for anyone's self esteem to constantly not be good enough or waiting for him to leave.

Like AF says I think she will find her anxiety much improved by kicking the bugger out and recover her self esteem by refusing to let him keep controlling the parameters of the relationship.

After all, he is really saying now "your not what I want in a partner but I don't have the balls to split. So I'll hang around until someone else comes along and fuck with your head in the meantime to make you feel really shitty about yourself - as after all, it's all about me and the fun I am entitled to".

As I said - asshole...

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:08:06

Why don't you think there's someone else? If you've been a Mumsnetter for a while, you must surely recognise the signs don't you? They are all there like glaring red flags. Your daughter obviously isn't stupid - I''m sure it's crossed her mind more than once too.

Popeyeswife Tue 05-Feb-13 14:56:49

I am not convinced there is someone else but I would hate her to hang around until there was.

She is an anxious person but so am I and DH! She gets wound up and always has- before exams ( she had hynotherapy at uni to help her control her nerves) and driving tests etc etc. She doesn't express her anxiety in an obviously needy way but even if she did, he should be able to cope not say it's all too much for him.

And in some ways she is really gutsy- last year she had a bad car accident in black ice - her car written off- and next day she was driving again in a hire car so she could get to work. It was a coincidence but she was driving HIM somewhere at the time, but I still felt illogically resentlful.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 14:53:27

yes, I expect some other young woman caught/has caught his eye with her "fun" and "loud" attributes

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