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Feelings for another man

(24 Posts)
FruOla Tue 05-Feb-13 09:37:46

On a similar thread some time ago, one of the posters suggested to the OP that she should try to imagine the man she had feelings for in an unflattering/unromantic light. Like, cutting his toenails in the bath, trimming his nasal hair or standing in the kitchen in yesterday's socks and boxers wearing a tea-stained bathrobe whilst slurping his cereal.

This is not to trivialise your problem at all, but maybe help you find a way to stop thinking of him in a romantic light.

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 06:27:20

I just spent ages typing out a reply and the bloody thing disappeared on me hmm

He is a nice guy in general. I could spend all day telling you his bad points but he provides for us, he's loving and attentive and he's hardworking. I could do a lot worse. My problem at the moment is my stupid hormones are telling me I could do a lot better. But I know the grass is definitely not greener and I am definitely not even going there!

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:17:33

Ah, now I do know about vodou if that's any help (I'm a very unusual person) wink

Numberlock Tue 05-Feb-13 06:16:26

So your husband had an affair, you're arguing a lot, you moved countries for him and he does nothing in the house.

I would normally suggest investing time with your partner but he doesn't exactly sound great.

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:15:06

Although as my husband is an X-box and Kinect games developer you could argue that I am a corporate shill!

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 06:14:02

I think an anti love (well, crush!) spell would be good right now haha! I probably need to learn the art of staying calm anyway, so I will be looking up all of those things you just suggested! I also think the avoidance of alcohol at this gathering would be advisable. Unless said alcohol is being drunk in the bathroom that in cleaning whilst carrying out tantric breathing exercises......

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:12:33

Sorry if I came off as a religious nut, I'm not a Buddhist. Just trying to cheer you up smile

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 06:10:17

Right, suggestions, BUDDHISM! Lot's of deep breathing, Deepak Chopra, he has a good hippie kinect game called 'Leela', it's terribly Zen, very calming.
Take up Yoga, Tai chi, and if none of that works there's always Bromide (but I think that was an urban myth).

And actually, even though I'm making fun of it, I am a bit of a hippy, and if you would like a good book, try 'True Love, a practice for awakening the heart' by Thich Nhat Hanh, I liked it.

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 06:07:20

I think we're arguing because of the stress of being in a foreign country more than anything. I'm going nuts not working, he's having to work extra hard to support us.

I'm certain that my DH and the guy have no idea how I feel. I tend to busy myself away from him and leave my DH to talk to him, I can hold a conversation with him without appearing to be a lovesick teen thank god. It's more about how I deal with these stupid feelings. I know you can't help how you feel, but this is stupid. I'm a grown woman fgs, I shouldn't be getting stupid teen crushes! I know I sound like I'm being hard on myself but I feel so bad for this. My DH doesn't deserve this, all he does is work hard and support us. Granted he does absolutely nothing at home and makes a huge amount of mess for me to clean up. But that's still no excuse for me fancying his friend rotten. I could deal with this a lot better if this guy wasn't his friend. It's just the fact that they are friends that make this so much worse in my eyes sad

Numberlock Tue 05-Feb-13 06:02:35

What do you argue about?

dolcelatte Tue 05-Feb-13 06:00:31

Are you sure your husband and/or the friend don't realise how you feel? Did you ever really get over your husband's affair? Did you talk about it at the time and why it happened? You can't help your feelings - perhaps you are lonely or bored in a foreign country? A job sounds like a good idea, but I note you say it's not possible. Is there anything else you can do to stimulate you and/or give you other things to think about?

An emotional affair can cause as much pain, if not more, than a physical affair - to you as well as to DH and the OM - so you are right to be so cautious. Don't beat yourself up about it, just be clear headed, as others have said.

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 05:54:46

Hostess with the mostess might be my saviour that night.

Yes all issues fully dealt with, it all happened years ago. I couldn't have stayed with him if there was no trust, I certainly wouldn't have had a baby with him or married him. So I can't use that as an excuse for how I'm feeling now (I've tried, not working). Is there such thing as a 7 year itch? Or did I just make that up? My stupid bloomin hormones hmm I swear I actually feel like my whole body is zinging when this guy is around. I feel like a shy teenager again. Argh confused !

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 05:51:59

I don't know, it took me years to get past my hubby just flirting and saying he had feelings for another woman, I don't know if I could ever get over an affair.
And, I'm not trying to be nasty to your partner, but he had an affair, and you're arguing all the time.
I mean I think if that had happened in my marriage, I wouldn't feel quite as guilty (guilty yes) as you do about simply fancying another guy, I think you might be painting yourself the bad guy, when perhaps there's something not so great about your fella.(sorry if that seems like I'm being mean to him, I'm just trying to help.)
Again, I'm just judging from a few posts, but are you sure you're not being a bit hard on yourself?

Numberlock Tue 05-Feb-13 05:44:15

You mentioned your husband had an affair years ago - was this fully dealt with at the time? And what are the things you constantly argue about?

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 05:41:49

Try being the hostess with a keen regard for the comfort of all your guests. Circulate, circulate, circulate!

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 05:38:44

Oh thank god, I'm not the only one out there! Sorry, my sympathies right back but I'm glad I'm not alone in this. He doesn't tend to just drop by (thank god, I don't think my blood pressure could handle that!) we have a gathering of people planned next week. The guy will be there. We are in a similar situation to yourself I think- foreign country. I think I will need to spend most of the gathering out of the way. I'm sure the bathroom will need 3 hours of cleaning wink

ImRealHonest Tue 05-Feb-13 05:23:19

Cordelia I utterly sympathise.

I have been with my husband for 8 year (8 years yesterday actually, shit, I forgot!) and also live far away from everyone but with no toddler. We’re fairly happy most of the time.

I’ve so often tried to write about it to get my feelings out as I feel the same with the emotional cheating. The difference for me is that it’s a guy at work, who works for a company reporting into me. I know he’s single. He knows I’m married. We’re about to move to the city I work in, where he lives and we know nobody apart from my colleagues and due to the country and type of company I work for, there’s not exactly many people at work to go for a beer with (he’s a fellow Brit). He’s offered to show us both where the best nightlife is, take husband on lads nights out etc.

I try to avoid having to deal with him as much as possible. However, unfortunately out of the team he’s working in he’s the best at his job (which I’m sad to say, does attract me geek ) so if I need things doing, if I ring anyone else it takes a week and numerous calls, whereas him, he gets it done immediately and follows up on things as it should be done.

I’ve even tried to convince my boss to move me onto other projects, but he’s working as my external project manager on 5 of my 12 projects so its not that easy. I’m trying to disengage and keep it purely work related, but he’s just so fucking nice what a bastard. I wish he was a bastard, it’d make life easier so its easy to end up in proper conversations, the type that I couldn’t have with anyone else in the office (I’m the only Brit in my department, and we share a common sporting interest which even my husband doesn’t share)

Nothing will ever come of this. I will never act on it. I love my husband far too much. And like you say there’s no way he’d ever look twice at me. I know he’s only trying to charm me because I’m his client and is not actually interested. Not that I’m interested in anything actually happening, but if I was single I’d be finding it difficult to maintain my professional position and our conflict of interest policy…

I know that doesn’t help you and your predicament, but I hope it helps you feel less like a complete cow knowing that someone else is as much of a cow struggling too. I don’t know how I’d ever bring it up with my husband and I don’t know what there is to gain from that. Obviously you know your own husband and how he’s likely to react, but I know mine would be gutted. I think in some ways he would see it as unfaithfulness and he’d be devastated.

Is there any way of stopping him coming round? Does he just pop round unexpected so you can’t plan to be out? Would it be obvious if you were never there?

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 05:11:21

You're all right. Thank you so much. It's just driving me nuts and I have nobody in RL to talk to about it. Avoidance might be the way ahead here.

Homebird8 Tue 05-Feb-13 05:06:12

You're doing all the right things Cordelia in not acting on it and being aware. I don't think you need to tell your DH. Perhaps avoid seeing his friend and busy up your evenings with other friends dropping in for a cuppa with you. It happens. Don't wallow, pull up your big girl pants and move on. brew

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 05:00:04

Thank you so much. I couldn't do anything to hurt him, so I would never tell him how I felt. You're right though, I am not as attracted to him as I was. We always seem to be arguing, so it's hard to feel attraction towards someone you're angry at. I also think that I need to get back to work, maybe take my mind off things. I'm currently a SAHM due to being unable to work (genuinely not allowed to). I just feel so awful for him. I don't compare him to this other guy or anything like that, but it's a major crush that's for sure! I have asked my DH several times if he has felt attracted to anyone since we've been together, other than one affair years ago he said he's not interested. He tells me I am his perfect woman etc which makes me feel even worse. I know it's not technically cheating, but I still feel like I am cheating on him. Does that make sense? Sorry, my head is all over the place. This guy is due to come round again soon I think and I'm actually dreading it yet really looking forward to just seeing him. My poor DH sad

RM76 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:52:50

I'm new too by the way. Look, I've never been in this position, but I think what you're feeling isn't unusual, hormones, nature, change, it all leads to weird stuff happening with us sometimes, and as long as you recognise it, and don't act on it, don't panic!
If I were you I would slow right down, recognise that nothing tangible has happened, and most of all THINK.
I don't think (sorry to disagree Kimberly, no offence) that it would be a good idea to tell your partner, at least not yet.
Get it into perspective, nothing has happened, you recognised what you were feeling, you avoided the problem as much as you could. IMO talking to your partner whilst you're still confused could lead to hurting him, you, your marriage, everything.
The first thing is to slow down, and think about why you are feeling this way, because I'll be honest, I can't see that you would have feelings for anyone else if things were perfect.
But like I said I'm no expert, I'm not too good with feelings, and maybe I'm wrong, message me if you like.
Definitely don't panic, slow down, really take a look at everything, not just the feelings you have for this bloke.
My husband told me he had feelings for another girl once, it took us 10 years to get past it, and we have a fantastic friendship aside from loving each other like crazy, we did get past it, but it was so hurtful (it took me this whole message to say it to you, that's how much it still stings)
Look I'm probably full of crap, I hope it helped, sorry you're feeling this way.

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 04:16:59

Thank you. I don't know if I will be able to bring this up with my DH. He will feel awful, like it's his fault. I couldn't do that to him sad he is loving and affectionate, and still fancies me rotten even though I'm two sizes bigger than when we met.

kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 04:10:42

No, you're not a complete cow because you've recognised those feelings and feel bad about them, and most of all, you haven't acted on them. But I DO think you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, however hard that may seem.

CordeliaChase Tue 05-Feb-13 04:01:21

Long time lurker, please be gentle with me.

So I am married, been with my DH for 7 years. We have a toddler and live away from our family (trying not to out me). My DH spends a fair amount of time away with his job. We are reasonably happily married (other than the usual silly arguments).

Anyway, I have developed pretty strong feelings for one of his friends. Now, before I get flamed I just want to say I would never act on these feelings. My marriage is worth more than a fling (not that this guy would look twice at me anyway!). I can't stop thinking about him. He's the kind of guy who makes every girl feel special. He is everything I used to look for in a man. I am actually devastated that I feel like this. I feel like I am emotionally cheating on my DH, I feel so guilty. This guy comes round to our house sometimes and I feel so rude but I have to avoid him. I can talk to him but find something that needs doing elsewhere in the house. I know it sounds pathetic but I really don't want my DH to sense how I feel about this man. It's so unfair on him. Please help me sad am I complete cow? I'm tying myself in knots here

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