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Getting over infidelity

(115 Posts)
newNN Mon 04-Feb-13 14:23:55

Have posted before, under another name. Basically, I found out dh had been having inappropriate conversations with ow(plural), receiving dirty pictures from them, flirting with someone he met at work and just generally flirting on line with women he met through work etc.

He swears blind there was no sex and I do believe this. Discovery was about 8 months ago. He has been extremely apologetic, cut off all contact with these women (so far as I can possibly 'know'). He is completely aware of the devastation this has caused me - I got him to read the thread i had posted on previously. He says he wants to fix this, that he was weak and stupid and will never do this again. So he is making all the right noises.

The thing is, he has always been very good at saying all the right things and I never felt that he didn't love me (maybe that was arrogant of me, or maybe i was deluded in putting all that faith and trust in him in the first place). I know MN says to judge him by his actions rather than his words.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. He has recently changed jobs and i don't have his email username/pw for work email. My question is, should I insist on having this? I know that if someone is determined to cheat there are numerous ways to do this, so having access to all email etc wouldn't prevent this. I also think it is unhealthy to check up all the time. i could send myself mad, policing him. Would I be better just not insisting on having access to everything and forcing myself to trust, because he will either keep his promises or he won't.

Also, he is meeting a former colleague for coffee in the next couple of days. He says there was never anything inappropriate there and he won't go if i say not to. i have said to go ahead but deep down I want him to not go, but I also don't want to be telling him he can't have friends - that way madness lies.

I am so very angry still and hurt. i want to get over this bur don't know how. Has anyone gotten over this?If so, can you tell me how you did it.

My greatest fear is that i will trust him again and that he will throw it away like he did before and i will be back where i was emotionally 8 months ago. Couldn't cope with going through all this again. All advice gratefully received,

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:44:39

I do think that some women are just stupid and take silly risks, the same as some men do. In the case of dirty text woman, she is just moronic - her fb settings are wide open.

I think he had as much to lose as they did, so I think they knew they were pretty safe. It would not be very professional or career enhancing to spread that stuff around.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:41:15

If he tells me that an itemized bill doesn't exist, is that at all possible? I want to be sure of my facts.

Also do you know if there is any way the network would give him the ability to view the bill online, given that it is a company phone and not his?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 12:31:00

How does he ask for one without saying why he needs it. He has very efficient office managers and there really is no need for him to see it.

That's his problem - its called facing up to consequences...

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 12:30:03

Yes, your anger is misplaced - HE is the one who failed you and broke his vows.

Those women didn;t know for sure that he wouldn't share these pics. You both need to talk more about how these came about and remember women don't just send such personal pics out of the blue knowing they risk everything in doing so.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:29:10

How does he ask for one without saying why he needs it. He has very efficient office managers and there really is no need for him to see it.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 12:26:39

My DH has a company phone and he can request itemised bills - HR will have to organise this though.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:24:32

Do all companies who have mobile phone contracts get itemized bills? Dh never pays for personal calls because the company pays the same amount however much he uses the phone. So is it at all possible that itemized bills don't exist?

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:21:18

Forgot to say that there is no way he would have shared those photos in the office. That's just not something I could ever see him doing, because he is not nasty. If I'd got hold of them, I would have forwarded them to their husbands, in a heartbeat. At the time I wanted them to have their lives as fucked over as mine has been. It was only seeing the graduation pics on a fb wall that stopped me putting the details of the text on her wall. Dh knows this. I wonder if he would have tried to stop me. I think probably not. I have calmed down about them now - they didn't know me. He was the one who really failed me.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 12:20:09

If he is really serious about changing then he needs ask HR for an itemized bill.

Saying the women were aggressive is still putting the blame on them. Forget them, focus on HIM and HIS behaviour.

The urge will come back if he does not address his own issues and failings - and that includes the habit of lying in general. He needs to look at why he lies and take responsibility for stopping this.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 12:12:51

Just read back my last two posts. Bloody auto correct has littered them with mistakes!

Wrt these women, I know that he never met up with one of them, because she is in another country, yet she was still happy to send a nude photo. I read a conversation on fb chat and it wasn't giving me the impression of two people in a relationship. It was conversational and a bit crude. He has said one woman was very aggressive and he distanced himself. I suppose that is blaming her, but I have to say that she put herself in the position of doing this with someone else's husband, as well as cheating on her own. She is not a victim. The text I saw, supports the statement that she was sexually aggressive. Generally he hasn't blamed them, but yes he took and encouraged and actively sought opportunities.

He says the urge to do this has gone, that he thinks of it as a period of madness and can't understand why exactly he did it. It is true that things with us were not perfect and I think they just stroked his ego and made him feel better.

The routine lying is of big concern to me. How does someone stop doing that? I want to see an itemized phone bill, but don't see how I can.

Seenenoughtoknow Thu 07-Feb-13 11:44:23

Caja - excellent post.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 07-Feb-13 10:58:51

I think you need to separate what he's done from what type of person it makes him.

You keep saying that he's not a bad man - and maybe he's not. But he's behaved like one to you. If this was your daughter, what would you tell her? That she deserves better? That he's still lying, still deleting, still covering his tracks?

His views are skewed. He finds conversations with other women easy, getting naked pictures and sexual messages easy, but conversations with his wife are uncomfortable? He's getting uncomfortable at the wrong time.

I'd also carefully consider how likely it is that these women would all be so explicit with someone from work, without a big build up of flirting and sexual tension. There would be every chance that random pictures would end up going round the office, and make a job untenable - unless you've slept with the man that you are sending them too, which makes it distinctly less likely that he'll show them around, because he's got a secret too.

He doesn't have the option of lying to you anymore. He shouldn't be avoiding conversations. He should be being open, and honest, and desperate to show you that he has changed, that he's doing the right thing.

And most of all, he should stop blaming the women. He's branded them easy, vulnerable...he seems to take pleasure from how "easily" he extracted photos and sexy messages. That, or he's lying to you about how long this was going on, and exactly what did go on. Neither of those options are good.

Please don't just brush this under the carpet because you want him to be a good man. He isn't behaving like one, and he's very likely to hurt you again if he doesn't actively change.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 10:40:03

x posted. phone is a work one, so no bill available. He says he hasn't even seen an itemized bill. Think the office just get him to sign off on it every month. Have already told him to stop deleting records. Trust me, the thought has occurred that he could have lied, but he is distraught at the thought of me ending this. I think he lies because he thinks it is the easiest way to avoid uncomfortable conversations. It had become a habit. I have heard him lie to hisum on order to avoid a conversation he doesn't want to have.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 10:35:17

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to read and post. This threads been very helpful to me, in that it has made me examine historical events that have niggled at the edges of my mind. Everything I rhino AMD feel is now 'out there' with dh, nothingness hidden and there is no room for ambiguity. He categorically knows what is important to me an why, so cannot claim ignorance of that in the future.

He is not a bad person, although he has behaved badly. In many respects we have had a good relationship. We always have fun together, never run of things to say, see eye to eye on raising the kids, money etc. He honestly doesn't view women badly and has always supported my choices in life. If he was a straightforward bad person, then all this wouldn't be so hard. I really hope he takes this chance to address his own issues.

Seenenoughtoknow Thu 07-Feb-13 10:27:19

Madabouthotchoc is right - he needs to stop deleting the records to show you he isn't lying. How can you judge that he is telling the truth about anything if there is no evidence either way?

I'm sorry, but I think he's probably still telling lies, because if he wasn't he would come home and proudly show you his phone record as proof he is on the right track and he would be desperate for you to acknowledge that. He is keeping you in the dark for some reason.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Feb-13 09:42:00

If he wants to be believed that he needs to be able to show you evidence and that means stopping this practice of deleting stuff. If he continues to do this, this means he is still not being honest.

Get his mobile bills - these can't be altered.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 09:37:09

This has made me question our whole past relationship. We have talked a lot and I have told him that I feel he has repeatedly lied to me and that although he always said the right things, his actions haven't supported those words and from now on I will be judging him on how he actually treats me, rather than blindly believing his words.

He says he did not meet his friend yesterday, that he phoned and cancelled. He routinely deletes phone records so I have to believe what he says. I have made it very clear that anymore lying is unacceptable to me - that I must have honesty even if it makes him nervous or uncomfortable. I cant be with him all the time, so have to choose to give him this one last chance to prove himself. But if he is untruthful just one more time, then I cannot stay.

He has promised to follow the steps in the article, so time will tell.

newNN Thu 07-Feb-13 07:53:22

Sorry you are going through this too

LilSheepie Wed 06-Feb-13 21:28:47

Hello, I am new to this but just wanted to say that Ian strange (and slightly disturbing) way, this thread has given me some comfort.
I am at the start of this road, having found out 3 days ago that DH has been exchanging (urgh can hardly type this) sects with a girl he had a fling with before my time.
We have 2 young kids and I am in total shock. He hasn't really seemed to have any concept of why I am so distraught (have asked him to leave for a while) and says in his head it was totally separate from our marriage and life (withn2 young daughters). No idea what to make of that.
Reading this thread has made me understand that I am not overreacting and this IS as serious as I feel it is. Seeing the replies and support you have been receiving has given me some strength that I am not the only person in this situation, so I just wanted to say thank you and that I hope you get to the conclusion you want (whatever it may be) in the long run
Xxx

Doha Tue 05-Feb-13 20:06:52

Repulsive man....

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Feb-13 20:03:06

And yes agree fiventhree I also won't put up with any form of lying, we've talked about this aspect of dp's personality and how it came all too easy to him, shocking really.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Feb-13 20:00:36

Yes transparency should be expected but like fiventhree pointed out there are ways of getting around this.

I later found out just how much porn dp had been looking at through the settings on his phone, every web page was still listed. Up until this point he didn't think he'd got an issue with porn and tbh my blinkered view didn't put the two together but there was no denying that once we scrolled through pages and pages of history there was an issue. This has now stopped although he could of course use private browsing.

The trust in our relationship is going to take a long time to build back again but my self esteem has slowly grown again so I'm taking small steps to work on the trust for which dp is totally supportive of.

fiventhree Tue 05-Feb-13 19:27:17

Ps re your initial question, feel free to ask for any email/ passwords you want, depending on where he works and data protection. But he will lie if he wants to - mine used to actually download and then delete later yahoo messenger on a thrice weekly basis, then cache clean. He also used private browsing .

He is also incredibly bright, and cautious. However, he slipped up eventually . They always do.

Seenenoughtoknow Tue 05-Feb-13 19:19:31

Very good post fiventhree - I agree completely.

Seenenoughtoknow Tue 05-Feb-13 19:17:40

A lot of people newNN - mumsnet has shown me that .

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