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Getting over infidelity

(115 Posts)
newNN Mon 04-Feb-13 14:23:55

Have posted before, under another name. Basically, I found out dh had been having inappropriate conversations with ow(plural), receiving dirty pictures from them, flirting with someone he met at work and just generally flirting on line with women he met through work etc.

He swears blind there was no sex and I do believe this. Discovery was about 8 months ago. He has been extremely apologetic, cut off all contact with these women (so far as I can possibly 'know'). He is completely aware of the devastation this has caused me - I got him to read the thread i had posted on previously. He says he wants to fix this, that he was weak and stupid and will never do this again. So he is making all the right noises.

The thing is, he has always been very good at saying all the right things and I never felt that he didn't love me (maybe that was arrogant of me, or maybe i was deluded in putting all that faith and trust in him in the first place). I know MN says to judge him by his actions rather than his words.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. He has recently changed jobs and i don't have his email username/pw for work email. My question is, should I insist on having this? I know that if someone is determined to cheat there are numerous ways to do this, so having access to all email etc wouldn't prevent this. I also think it is unhealthy to check up all the time. i could send myself mad, policing him. Would I be better just not insisting on having access to everything and forcing myself to trust, because he will either keep his promises or he won't.

Also, he is meeting a former colleague for coffee in the next couple of days. He says there was never anything inappropriate there and he won't go if i say not to. i have said to go ahead but deep down I want him to not go, but I also don't want to be telling him he can't have friends - that way madness lies.

I am so very angry still and hurt. i want to get over this bur don't know how. Has anyone gotten over this?If so, can you tell me how you did it.

My greatest fear is that i will trust him again and that he will throw it away like he did before and i will be back where i was emotionally 8 months ago. Couldn't cope with going through all this again. All advice gratefully received,

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Feb-13 13:22:15

He only thinks you cheated and this suspicion is justification for his actions?..... hmm

Seenenoughtoknow Tue 05-Feb-13 13:23:50

Best of luck by the way - I really hope he sees what he's done to you and does his best to fix things. I'll keep checking in.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Feb-13 13:24:15

newMN my story is very similar to yours, I found out 10 months ago. Dp & I are still together.

The one thing we have discussed which came about through reading the Shirley Glass book mentioned above were the appropriate boundaries.

Dp wouldn't dream of meeting another woman whom I didn't know even 9 months down the line. I think this is highly disrespectful of your dh considering everything he has done. He needs to change, he HAS to change for this to work. What he could do 8 months ago is a far cry from what he SHOULD be doing now.

I still find it difficult some days but I'm over the worst. We have had some fantastic times since, never thought we would share good times again but we have. There are little set backs every now and again caused by my insecurities but we don't scream and shout at eachother we sit and talk. Dp has been very patient and he needs to continue to be so for this to work. I also need at some stage to forgive him so that I can move forward another step.

Good luck. I hope that your dh moves mountains to make this work. He needs to work much harder though to make you feel secure again and he needs to know that it's work in progress.

Great article btw Seenenoughnow!

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 13:29:16

I read the Shirley Glass book and told him the main parts that were relevant to us. I will order the other book and get him to read it.

There in those two sentences is everything that's wrong at this stage. You bought and read a book that he couldn't be bothered to. You coached him from what you learnt and here you are again ordering him a book which he'll say he'll read, but won't.

The further details about him projecting his own cheating behaviour on to you and the earlier affair and lies about it (you realise now that was an affair?) are illuminating.

You will be in this position again because he hasn't done a thing to address his flaws and he's still bloody lying to you.

Now you've told us he had an affair before, it's obvious he met one of those women he was messaging.

newNN Tue 05-Feb-13 15:00:50

Sorry to disappear. Had to nip out. Badinage, he is adamant that the previous thing was not an affair. I didn't see the texts and have no way of establishing what really happened beyond what he told me. I agree it looks bad and if I was reading this about someone else I would assume an affair too.

newNN Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:45

Do you think anything could be gained by him reading this thread?

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 15:09:26

He is still not taking full responsibility for the affairs (and yes, I would class the previous relationship as an emotional affair).

You seem to be the one doing all the work, organising and sorting out things and I wouldn't be surprised if this has been the pattern throughout your marriage, making it a parent-child type relationship. If so, then this is something you both need to look at.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:12:52

Does there come a point where I just have to draw a line under it and stop throwing it in his face all the time and then see what changes within the relationship?

Well, you were getting to that point and then he showed you by his actions (planning to meet another woman he knew from around the time of his infidelities) that you were mistaken to do so

he projects his own duplicitous behaviour onto you, with his foundless lack of trust in you

you have described several character traits and behaviours of a man you could never trust not to betray you again, given the opportunity or if you were to relax your policing of his behaviour and you make excuses for him not taking full responsibility for it time and time again

it doesn't bode well, at all

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 15:13:49

When talking to him again, I think it would be far more useful to get him to read the link from seenenough and ask him why he is not doing all the things he needs to do.

I would be very wary about showing him the thread as this needs to be your space to air your thoughts and feelings - should things go tits up, you need to have this private space esp since you can't and don't trust him...

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:01

No.

This guy sounds like he's dismissive of other women's opinions. You need somewhere you can vent in private. But I'm sure he's reading this thread anyway as you've told him about it and he already invades your privacy.

The previous thing WAS an affair. He kept it secret, lied to you about it and only fessed up to what you could prove........again.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:15:21

No, don't show him this thread

he is a manipulator, he will use it to say the things you so desperately want to hear

and cut off the things you need to hear (from us)

Hatpin Tue 05-Feb-13 15:19:24

This is not just titillation, honestly, its not

He has a history of befriending women in his workplace and thise friendships progressing far enough for those women to trust him enough to send intimate pictures to him. If he just wanted titillation he could buy a porn mag. He wanted to develop relationships with them in order to get them to respond to him sexually. Why?

Do you think any of the women thought that they were in some kind of relationship with him? It's possible.

Did any of them know about the other(s)? Again, its possible.

There is a motivation for him here which is not about sex, imho. It's more complicated than that - you need to find out the why, and he is conveniently side stepping it every time you discuss it.

You also need to know about when he feels he might be more vulnerable to the temptation again. Is stress a motivating factor? Otherwise, again, you won't know which situations you can trust him in.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:21:38

No, don't show him this thread

he is a manipulator, he will use it to say the things you so desperately want to hear

and cut off the things you need to hear (from us)

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:21:58

sorry for repeat post

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:25:33

I agree with Hatpin. I think this bloke has deeply dysfunctional attitudes to women. You need to recognise too that controlling behaviour isn't always obvious. Everything you've posted about him is in the controller's handbook, I assure you.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Feb-13 15:27:15

multiple women have sent him intimate photographs

honey, he has put some major work in there to bring that situation about

I know you want to think badly of them too, but I don't actually know many women that would do that on just a very superficial basis

these were women he worked with, not random exhibitionists he scored on the internet

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 15:39:51

ye, he must have gained their trust to get these pictures...think about it, you wouldn't send such intimate pics unless you are in a relationship with him.

newNN Tue 05-Feb-13 15:46:11

I have posted under a different name to my usual one, but I suppose he could read this if he was so inclined. I think it might be good if he did so - he would see how he is coming across to people who don't know him. I feel sick reading these posts - you are talking about a man I don't recognise and yet all the clues were there.

I think he is freaked out by the idea of me leaving. We have been together so long. I do believe that he loves me. But I cannot live like this forever

Seenenoughtoknow Tue 05-Feb-13 15:46:22

Anyfucker you are right - I hadn't thought about how much time and energy he would have to put in to get this intimate with these women. That involves a lot of sexy talk at the office, a lot of winks and nudges in work at the very least...I can't imagine how it would start AND end at a photo...it makes me think there could have been more to it maybe.

I would be asking him a LOT of questions and going over old ground...you wanted to believe him so your instincts probably hadn't kicked in newnn - I'sd go through it all again with my eyes wide open this time.

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:50:31

Yes but if he read this, he'd probably dismiss us all as shrieking bitter harpies who hate men. He'd probably point out how chivalrous he is to women and how he often gets on better with women than men.

What he means is that he find some women easier to manipulate than men. I bet there are men and women he encounters that have his number and steer well clear of him. No doubt he despises them for it, while respecting them deep down for their better judgement.

newNN Tue 05-Feb-13 16:17:37

He said about one woman that he has the impression he is not the only one she sent pics to. She was ver pretty ( saw Skype pic). The other one sent a filthy text. She was an older woman and he said he thinks her dh previously cheated. Her fb is completely open and I was shocked at how old and unattractive she was ( sorry, I know that's not very nice). I could see all her son's graduation pics on there. So it's not as if they were all beautiful, which I would understand more. The other is a girl in another country that he met doing his MBA, I think. But I only really know what I have seen and what he has told me and he is not the best source of info.

newNN Tue 05-Feb-13 16:20:48

How will I know if he is telling me the truth? I can't rely on my own instincts. And yes, he already thinks you are unfairly judging him by the worst case scenario. He insists that 'all' he did was flirt and use pics for titillation.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 16:23:35

Its nothing to do with their looks or age.

Its all about HIM and his issues - his view of women as sex toys is warped and sexist.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 16:27:37

Tell him he has to tell the truth and he has to hand over his phone and laptop immediately and that if you find out he has lied then its game over.

Then he has to do all the work required to find out why he chose to behave in this way and to work on his issues - if he is unwilling then you have your answer.

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 16:30:38

Bloody hell.

I can't stand this bloke and I've never even met him.

How dare he assassinate the sexual morals of the first woman. She wasn't the only woman he was contacting, was she? So what does that make him?

The women weren't required to be 'beautiful' FFS. Just compliant and willing to play. The second woman just sounds vulnerable. And she didn't send a 'filthy text' completely unsolicited.

Did he use the word filthy out of interest, or is that your word for what she wrote?

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