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My DHs betrayal has knocked me sideways and I cannot function (OW and frozen sperm)

(85 Posts)
Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:37

I am a regular but haven't been on MN for a while because we just did the house up and the kids and and and...

I want to outline what has happened without giving too much away to out myself but hope you fellow MNers can help me see straight again.

We have 3 very young children. We moved countries 3 times in less then 6 years.

Yesterday I have found out that in the beginning of 2009 my husband got senselessly dunk on a flight, then hooked up with the air hostie and shagged her in that hotel room.

He said nothing else happened but back in our then living location she contacted him for money and he lent her some which she has subsequently paid back.

I have tried to contact her as she emailed him again 2 days ago (that's how I found out about it): It said: wishing you a blessed new year may it bring lots of happiness, blah blah. Then he writing back: so nice to hear from you, please don't lose my contact details.

She responds: I never will lose your details, I am very sorry about what happened. I never wanted us to end this way.

WEIRD???

I am going out here on a limb but I suspect he got her pregnant and she needed an abortion. I just know it. He cheated on his first wife (I found out from her AFTER we were married).

After I confronted him he admitted to the shag but nothing else. He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.

---

He then told me that he put sperm on ice for a female friend who came into his life after we were already an item. She made a massive play for him, she is an older, single rich trust fund babe inviting him to schmooze with royalty, vips, etc but when I got pregnant she basically settled for his sperm which he donated but she couldn't use as she wasn't physically well and is now in her mid to late 40ies.

I am trying to hold it together for my babies but he makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to the stomach.

To make matters worse we had agreed to try for a 4th baby and I may be pregnant. I am reeling, my world has folded and I don't know what to do.

We have no cash to spare, I can't move to my parents who have a tiny place and are both ill and old. I don't want to impose on them. I have no friends to run to, no one who can help.

I was so angry yesterday that I chucked a glass of red wine in his face and slapped him on the cheek only to find my 4 year old daughter standing behind me.

I know what I have done is wrong. i don't want to damage my girls.
Please can anyone advice me? I am shaking as I write this.

LittleFrieda Tue 05-Feb-13 11:32:00

Is your husband German or British?

Do you have assets? Is it worthwhile getting your saggy backside grin across to Britain where the ancillary relief part of divorce is fair to you as a woman?

LessMissAbs Tue 05-Feb-13 11:32:56

I get the impression he has ground you down OP. Its very hard to deal with a skilled liar, it must be like peeling endless layers off and never being sure if you get down to the core.

But honestly, this is one reason why you should never, ever, put yourself in the position of being financially dependent on a man, or being unable to support yourself if you have to get out. And you should really try to focus on some form of escape mechanism now. Your partner is a liar, you know that already, so even if you keep trying to find out more lies, its not going to make that much difference.

Do you love him? I take it you are not one of these women who can turn a blind eye to his behaviour and not be upset by it?

You aren't married and you live in Germany. Is he German? Does he support the family financially? Perhaps you need to see a lawyer to discuss your options.

btw I wouldn't trust his "spin" on his affairs. ie he makes it sound as though these women are bitches who chased after him or took advantage of him when drunk. He is already proven to be a liar and he will tell you whatever he needs to to make things easier for himself.

Timetoask Tue 05-Feb-13 11:35:09

Op, you sound like a strong woman. Please don't blame yourself, this man sounds like a real charismatic showoff that had you completely fooled.
Now, on a more practical note. If you leave now you will have financial troubles, right? So why don't you just play his game (I know it sounds horrible, and I am not this kind of person at all but...), pretend all is forgiven, try to live with him whilst at the same time building up your exit game plan by working towards getting a job and having childcare in place, finding out about your rights, etc.

Miggsie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:40:07

He has been covering up his horribleness for years, now you have rumbled him and see him as he is.

You trusted someone not worthy of your trust.

Leave him - your daughter's teenage years will be dreadful with this man as their father.

Sound slike he should be in jail

Miggsie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:42:16

Also - the fact you have moved so many times in your marriage with young children suggests he has to move on as he gets rumbled at work for what he is - he can't keep up the pretence very long.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 11:59:40

Hi Little Frieda, you just made me smile, thank you. I suppose with my fat reserves on my belly I could float over the Channel grin

Well, we haven't got a place there anymore but I could push for it when we sell this house. The agent who's coming is who did the mortgage for us and is a financial advisor. He is a kind, knowledgeable man who I can trust.

I would like to move back to the UK because that's where my kids half-siblings live and it would be sad if they lost touch. I still have family in London.

Moving there means biting my tongue and waiting another few months. I will have to research nurseries, schools, etc that I can afford and get myself a job.

He is British. I am German British with a Brit passport.

We have no assets to speak of as we have nearly completed major renovations and building work on a turn of the century villa. So no cash to speak of.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 12:05:07

lessMissAbs, you acurately described it like an onion with layers upon layers. The analogy is very true and I just don't know what to believe anymore.

First it was a drunken shag, then they met 2-3 times, now 5-6 and he lent her money. More and more shit comes out the more I ask...

I don't know how I feel. He says it was years ago, yes, 4 yrs ago.

Because it's not ongoing I feel a bit better but it DID HAPPEN and that's what upsets me.

Yes he is v handsome and charming and women flock to him at parties or at work, but it take two to tango. And he is probably sending signals that he's available.

No, I cannot turn a blind eye anymore. I just looked through his asmallworld profile and linkedin and FB and all these random woman names come up and I am tired and sad and exhausted. I can't find anymore.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 12:05:32

Fight, not find

meditrina Tue 05-Feb-13 12:20:25

It's not a question of fighting, it's a question of coping.

You have already posted that you find the house more tranquil without him. Now you need to find that tranquility on a more enduring basis.

If he won't leave and you cannot yet find a means to prise him out, look to domestic arrangements which maximise your well-being. Do you have a spare room? Can you move him into that? And then treat him as a lodger. That takes a huge amount of effort, but putting that distance there will reduce the amount he can disturb you.

Dear Amouage, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

The fact he is trying to blame you and not taking responsibility makes it SO much worse.

Don't have any good advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to send you my support.

thanks

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