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My DHs betrayal has knocked me sideways and I cannot function (OW and frozen sperm)

(85 Posts)
Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:37

I am a regular but haven't been on MN for a while because we just did the house up and the kids and and and...

I want to outline what has happened without giving too much away to out myself but hope you fellow MNers can help me see straight again.

We have 3 very young children. We moved countries 3 times in less then 6 years.

Yesterday I have found out that in the beginning of 2009 my husband got senselessly dunk on a flight, then hooked up with the air hostie and shagged her in that hotel room.

He said nothing else happened but back in our then living location she contacted him for money and he lent her some which she has subsequently paid back.

I have tried to contact her as she emailed him again 2 days ago (that's how I found out about it): It said: wishing you a blessed new year may it bring lots of happiness, blah blah. Then he writing back: so nice to hear from you, please don't lose my contact details.

She responds: I never will lose your details, I am very sorry about what happened. I never wanted us to end this way.

WEIRD???

I am going out here on a limb but I suspect he got her pregnant and she needed an abortion. I just know it. He cheated on his first wife (I found out from her AFTER we were married).

After I confronted him he admitted to the shag but nothing else. He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.

---

He then told me that he put sperm on ice for a female friend who came into his life after we were already an item. She made a massive play for him, she is an older, single rich trust fund babe inviting him to schmooze with royalty, vips, etc but when I got pregnant she basically settled for his sperm which he donated but she couldn't use as she wasn't physically well and is now in her mid to late 40ies.

I am trying to hold it together for my babies but he makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to the stomach.

To make matters worse we had agreed to try for a 4th baby and I may be pregnant. I am reeling, my world has folded and I don't know what to do.

We have no cash to spare, I can't move to my parents who have a tiny place and are both ill and old. I don't want to impose on them. I have no friends to run to, no one who can help.

I was so angry yesterday that I chucked a glass of red wine in his face and slapped him on the cheek only to find my 4 year old daughter standing behind me.

I know what I have done is wrong. i don't want to damage my girls.
Please can anyone advice me? I am shaking as I write this.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 04-Feb-13 16:07:23

What do you want to do?

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:13:10

Regarding the frozen sperm woman, even though it sounds like the biggest load of bollocks, concentrate on what you can prove.

A woman who you say froze you out, made an overt play for him and invited him and not you, to places .............should have been told by him to take a long walk off a short pier, if he was faithful and committed to you.

What has he admitted to doing instead? Yes, that well known deterrent to ward off predatory women - donating your sperm so that she can have your baby. Stop blaming her - she's not the problem.

So far you've got 3 examples of infidelitous behaviour, including one where he sexually harassed your joint employee. There will be far more you don't know about.

Please cut him off. Your life will be forever miserable with this bloke.

juneau Mon 04-Feb-13 16:19:15

Please cut him off.

She's got three DC with this man and might be pregnant with a fourth! Cutting him off doesn't really sound very practical to me - although if he was my DH he'd be packing his bags right now. What a total arse!

This man has shown a callous attitude to you and at least one other woman that you know of, there are other suspicions, fog around what he may have done elsewhere. I'm so sorry OP, it almost doesn't matter precisely what else you find as there is likely yo be a whole range of betrayal here.

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:39:47

When I say cut him off, obviously I mean end the relationship. Unfortunately because of joint commitments and kids, the OP is unfortunately saddled with some kind of contact with this excuse of a man for the foreseeable future, but that doesn't mean she's got to stay married to him. If he's sexually harassing employees, what will he do when his daughters bring friends home, or his sons, their girlfriends?

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:44:22

Oh my God, there is a woman in a neighbouring town that he saw when we lived abroad. She was part of a hospitality team though no contact on FB and v little on his phone. I found out over a year ago and contacted her through FB as him but no reply. He swears nothing ever happened. I can't prove him wrong.

Then there was another woman of the local origin who he said could make his 3rd wife, was his green hill, blah blah. That was what the trustfund woman told me when she contacted me out of the blue.

"Your DH has all these different affairs and girlfriends and I thought you should know...blah blah."

I confronted him, he denied it. I couldn't prove it. But ever since then I have been deeply uneasy about everything he says.

I have to say I seriously hope I am not pregnant. I wouldn't know what to do.
My inclination is not to have the child. Single parent with 3 kids is bad enough but 4 is worse. I don't know what to do.

I can now see that he is a serial philanderer. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this emotional uncertainty and pain.

But I am not sure what is right for my girls, growing up in a broken family or with a father who disrespects and hurts their mum.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:46:18

I am only 32, i will never find anyone again, will I?
I know it's shallow but I'm afraud of being alone again with all the commitments.

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 17:07:00

At 32 you're still a young woman, so of course you'll meet someone else if that's what you choose to do.

It's even more important to get a sex pest like this away from girls. He'll harass their mates when they are older and like as not, hit on their mums while they are young.

A separated family isn't broken. You'll still be a family. But your lives will be so much more peaceful without the constant threat of him getting involved elsewhere and worse still, leaving the whole family vulnerable to criminal charges being brought against a man who sexually harasses women.

This isn't just an unfaithful twat you're dealing with here. He's a sex pest who menaces women for sexual favours when they are going about their everyday, legitimate business.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 17:09:41

The reason why I write all of this and agonize about it is, can I continue to live with this for the sake of keeping the family together?

Does it matter, he says? The shag was 4 years ago. The donation 5 yrs.
He says it was ages ago, but he always ends his admittance with "but YOU did this or didn't do this" "I felt colded out" and on and on it goes.

I don't know what to do. My youngest is 18 mths old. I can't work till she is 2 and I can get her into some sort of early state kindergarten. We live very rural, there are no jobs close by but in Germany you are obliged to work fulltime once your youngest turns 3.

He is very controlling and I worry that he will not support us financially if we separate.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 17:13:46

I'm afraid my girls will suffer if I turf him out.

You know badinage, I am afraid that this will continue until his cock falls off or he tires of it. Whatever comes first.

Or could he actually be truthful and these are not bizarre claims but that's actually what happened?

I feel so uncertain.

Astley Mon 04-Feb-13 17:15:35

Are you German then?

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 17:17:01

No he's not truthful. Of that we can be certain. You've already got evidence that he lies, so why would this be any different?

You asked for advice about what to do. If you want to turn a blind eye and believe all these lies, then just know what you're signing you and your daughters up for.

PatriciaHolm Mon 04-Feb-13 17:19:01

If you decide stay with him, you know you are giving him carte blanche to carry on, don't you? He can't see his has done anything wrong, so he will carry on doing it.

I would get some legal advice about seperation/support.

something2say Mon 04-Feb-13 17:53:57

I think you must take some time to let things sink in.... He doesn't seem to be faithful and then he wants to do a classic twist and blame and make it your fault.

You can do better.

While you take your time to think, sleep in separate beds at least x

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:01:56

I am German British but chose German passport after my parents moved here to retire. My Dad is British. My Mum German. I spent my childhood and student years in the UK but after years abroad we decided to move here because housing and life is less expensive in Germany and my parents are getting older and. I'm an only child.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:05:07

In one conversation he said after he cheated on his first wife in a drunken fumble he felt that a line had fallen and then it didn't matter anymore.

sad

So where does that leave me? Well I guess I know where I stand now.

His Dad cheated on his mother who later got cancer and passed away at just barely 50 years old. He always blamed his Dad's cheating on his mother's cancer but the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree hey.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:07:57

We are definitely sleeping apart. I am not sharing bed or table.
I am so cash strapped at the moment I cannot even afford a lawyer.

FiercePanda Mon 04-Feb-13 18:10:18

Your children will suffer more in the future, living in a miserable home, Mum constantly on edge each time Dad goes out to meet yet another "friend", Dad shouting at her, blaming her for his problems... You cannot bury this, Amouage. He's a serial cheat, a constant liar, and if you roll over and let this pass he will continue with the affairs and lies and probably be more and more blatant about it.

He doesn't love you, not the way her should. If he did, he'd never have donated his sperm to a woman he has a bizarre relationship with; he'd never have asked your maid for lingerie pics; and he'd never have cheated with goodness knows how many women.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:13:33

He says it's my fault, he always felt I could leave him at any point, that I wasn't that sexed up, not always available and and and.

And to top it all off he said I should look at myself I'm not in the shape I used to be, and my arse hangs and my tummy is big. I am a size ten at 6'4 and 60 kg I beg to differ. Never thought myself a model but how dare he???

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:14:46

Fierce Panda, yes tell me to my face what I probably don't want to hear. It needs to sink in. I mean he wouldn't do even the things he HAS ADMITTED to if he loved me. Let alone what else went on that I know nothing about.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:18:46

Thank you something2say. It really does need time to sink in.

I just wonder how I never noticed. I said if he was that unhappy and I was such a bad wife then why didnt he just leave. He clearly didn't care about the little baby we had just had. Nor about his other 2 kids who loved spending time with me even before I had kids. I have always put out when asked to, done washing, cleaning, gone out with him, I hardly do anything for myself. I have no girlfriends to speak of, no girls' night outs, no hobbies. My kids are my everything. I was so proud of my family and it's all such a farce now.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:21:03

I have to put the kids to bed. Will post more later. Please give me more input how I can find out the truth or how I go about the separation.

Financially he is not in a position to move out, we have nearly completed big renovations on this house.

I have called a financial advisor to come on Wed to value it and poss put it on the market.

JuliaScurr Mon 04-Feb-13 18:22:15

rightsofwomen

they should be useful

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 18:31:51

Is there somewhere in Germany you can get some free legal advice? A Woman's organisation or collective for example?

This isn't just a serial cheat we're talking about here. He is a menace to women and it sounds like he hates them.

FiercePanda Mon 04-Feb-13 19:23:58

And to top it all off he said I should look at myself I'm not in the shape I used to be, and my arse hangs and my tummy is big. I am a size ten at 6'4 and 60 kg I beg to differ. Never thought myself a model but how dare he???

He's a charmer. How dare he?! Is he an Adonis himself? He just sounds worse and worse, and you're right about what he's admitted to you - there will be lots more he's not bothered to mention. Urgh.

Keep reminding yourself of all the horrible and questionable things he's done, as hard as it is. You need to get angry, that anger will give you the energy to get your life back on track. Well done on organising the financial bod to come and look at the house - not only is that a brilliant idea so you can get some understanding of your finances, it will also show your not-so-dear-husband that you will not put up with his selfish, immature, cruel bullshit any longer.

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