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My DHs betrayal has knocked me sideways and I cannot function (OW and frozen sperm)

(85 Posts)
Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:37

I am a regular but haven't been on MN for a while because we just did the house up and the kids and and and...

I want to outline what has happened without giving too much away to out myself but hope you fellow MNers can help me see straight again.

We have 3 very young children. We moved countries 3 times in less then 6 years.

Yesterday I have found out that in the beginning of 2009 my husband got senselessly dunk on a flight, then hooked up with the air hostie and shagged her in that hotel room.

He said nothing else happened but back in our then living location she contacted him for money and he lent her some which she has subsequently paid back.

I have tried to contact her as she emailed him again 2 days ago (that's how I found out about it): It said: wishing you a blessed new year may it bring lots of happiness, blah blah. Then he writing back: so nice to hear from you, please don't lose my contact details.

She responds: I never will lose your details, I am very sorry about what happened. I never wanted us to end this way.

WEIRD???

I am going out here on a limb but I suspect he got her pregnant and she needed an abortion. I just know it. He cheated on his first wife (I found out from her AFTER we were married).

After I confronted him he admitted to the shag but nothing else. He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.

---

He then told me that he put sperm on ice for a female friend who came into his life after we were already an item. She made a massive play for him, she is an older, single rich trust fund babe inviting him to schmooze with royalty, vips, etc but when I got pregnant she basically settled for his sperm which he donated but she couldn't use as she wasn't physically well and is now in her mid to late 40ies.

I am trying to hold it together for my babies but he makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to the stomach.

To make matters worse we had agreed to try for a 4th baby and I may be pregnant. I am reeling, my world has folded and I don't know what to do.

We have no cash to spare, I can't move to my parents who have a tiny place and are both ill and old. I don't want to impose on them. I have no friends to run to, no one who can help.

I was so angry yesterday that I chucked a glass of red wine in his face and slapped him on the cheek only to find my 4 year old daughter standing behind me.

I know what I have done is wrong. i don't want to damage my girls.
Please can anyone advice me? I am shaking as I write this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Feb-13 13:54:58

Which country are you in now?

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 14:00:26

The air hostess's E mail alludes to more than a one night stand - but it seems a bit of a leap on such scant info to presume he got her pregnant, paid for the abortion and then got his money back.

The 'sperm on ice' confession sounds like an elaborate tall tale to cover up an affair with yet another woman. More lies, in other words.

Both stories conveniently reduce his own responsibility, don't they? The air hostess appears to have seduced him when drunk and the frozen sperm recipient is being painted as a predatory loser, with a few nasty irrelevant details about her lifestyle.

In summary then, this man is an unfaithful liar who blames you for him not being able to keep it in his pants and is best out of your life.

I'm sure he blamed his last partner for his infidelity with you, incidentally. And you fell for it, even though he'd lied to you about his single status.

badinage Mon 04-Feb-13 14:02:07

Sorry, realised you actually said he cheatedon his first wife - not necessarily with you. But you had to find that out from her, which still means he lied to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Feb-13 14:03:05

Is your husband able to move out of the family home? Give you some time to collect your thoughts and seek advice?

GuffSmuggler Mon 04-Feb-13 14:08:33

Clearly he thinks you are stupid to believe these ridiculous lies. You don't have a one night stand and then say 4 years later you are sorry it had to end, clearly they have been having a long term affair.

As for the frozen sperm, I hope you just laughed in his face as such a ridiculous concocted story.

Do not believe a word this man says, he is clearly a serial liar and cheat and has no respect for you or your children.

I'm so sorry this has happened, but at least you know him for what he is now.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Feb-13 14:13:40

You'd have thought he would have come up with better lies than that! You can't "just" freeze sperm, its alot more than just jizzing in a pot and popping it into the freezer! Ask him which clinic he went to, about the genetic counselling and sperm tests. See his lies fold like a house of cards.

Sorry but this is a classic cheater saying just as much as he thinks he can get away with.

I am afraid that you will find a whole iceberg underneath this tip of betrayal sad

Bogeyface Mon 04-Feb-13 14:16:03

www.hfea.gov.uk/74.html

Info about freezing sperm, the info about screening for Hep and HIV is interesting, I wonder if he researched his lie enough to know about that?

pandaptogether Mon 04-Feb-13 14:21:06

Sorry to hear your having a rough time but wouldn't be surprised if the frozen sperm lady appears with a child and claims it is his.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 14:49:55

Badinage, yes I believe the prgenancy thing could be a bit of a stretch. He said he lent her money over a year after meeting her and she paid it back. I asked me for the receipts...so we'll see.

He was divrced when I met him, living on his own. We were set up by mutual friends. I get on really well with his dc from the first marriage and have a good relationship to his exwife.she felt close enough to tell me what she did.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 14:51:39

The sperm thing sounds weird. He says he went to the Lister Hospital in London.
I have been there. I don't believe they do embryology.

Help!

atacareercrossroads Mon 04-Feb-13 14:58:37

First things first - tell him he must withdraw consent for his sperm to be used (if true) and you want to see the original forms, go with him to the clinic, whatever, just get proof he has cancelled that transaction the Twat. Then he needs to piss off somewhere to give you a bit of space. You are not in the wrong here, always keep that in the front of your mind.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 15:00:21

Their email exchange as far as I know goes:

She writes: all that is beautiful, all that makes u smile may all that be yours this new year. Wishing you lots of success, good health and happiness. Happy belated new year. God bless.

He writes: i am very happy to hear from you
I wish you a very happy and strong and love filled 2013
Never delete my contacts - please stay in touch

She responds: i will never delete your contact however i really need you to know i am very sorry about what happened that is not how i wanted us to end. And yes i will keep in touch please do as well.

---

Something clearly happened that messed things up between them? We moved away from there in 2011 Nov. i moved earlier than him, by about 5 months.

He even had our maid send him lingerie pics.

I mean I am probably a gullible stupid cow.

It seems like it when I read what i wrote. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Currently in GER.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 15:01:15

He says he lent her money Mar 2012, then called it back in Sept 12, first she didnt want to pay, hence the bad ending???

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 15:06:34

Hi Panda, I know her. She is not pregnant. She is mid 40 with various ailings.
She was aggressively trying to snare him when we had just moved in together. I' m afraid but she is away with the fairies. She insists that his dead moth wants them to be together because they have all known each other from a previous life. She was extremely cold to me, on purpose only inviting HIM to events and functions with her. Rude!

momb Mon 04-Feb-13 15:09:19

Lister has a large fertility centre so he's done his homework on that, at least. I agree with above who said this bizarre story sounds like the precursor to another child you are about to find out about.

The email exchange reads like she sent a NY message to everyone on her list and he picked up on it. He shouldn't be keeping in contact though: they should both be deleting each other's contact!

'He even had our maid send him lingerie pics' 'He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.' .... Would you want your daughter to marry a man who feels this way about women? If she grows up with one as a role model then that is the type she will seek out......

HeyHoHereWeGo Mon 04-Feb-13 15:18:09

Oh it sounds like an affair to me. Come on, why all the drama and romance of "Never delete my contacts" "I'll never delete them" blah blah.
You could be right about the abortion. Might she have his child? Does he earn enough money that you dont know exactly where it all goes?
Your marriage is either over or not a faithful one I'm afraid.
Your husband is no good.

scaevola Mon 04-Feb-13 15:19:59

Lister Hospital does do semen freezing.

But I think that's all a red herring; the detail of both stories sounds so far-fetched that they read as if they have only a passing relationship to the truth. It does sound as if he has had affairs with both (and as air stewards don't usually shag random drunk passengers, I think you should brace yourself for discovery of a longer and more intentional relationship - sorry).

You need time to take stock and work out your options. These may be (temporarily) circumscribed by where you are and whether you can afford to come back to UK in the short term. But planning your options will put you in a stronger position.

And you should get an STI check.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 15:21:09

Momb, you are voice my worst fears.

The fertility thing sounds strange. I am not that familiar with the Lister.
He called them in front of me asking to be called back.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 15:22:14

What he tells me seems so bizarre and senseless. There must be more to it but I cannot fathom what. Apart from a screen to hide more cheating.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Mon 04-Feb-13 15:22:28

He sounds like a sleaze bag of the highest order. Please do the right thing by your DCs and get rid of him!

Just to clarify because it's yet another betrayal did he get your maid to send pics of herself to him? Or pics he already had of someone else?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 04-Feb-13 15:59:58

What an awful situation sad

I think your dh needs a reality check and I think you need space away from him. Easier said than done I know!

Sounds like there was much more than one drunken night with this ow and as for freezing his sperm...words fail me.

Do you not have any RL support?

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:01:10

Yes he asked her to send pics of herself. She called me in tears afterwards apologizing and quitting.

Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 16:02:11

No RL support apart from one lovely friend but 300 km away.

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