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Stop smothering me!!! [angryface]

(80 Posts)
Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 15:08:47

We've been living together for nearly 2 years and I love him dearly. He treats me really well, would do anything for me, and he is a proper partner in my life.

There's just one thing... he won't leave me alone! I can't seem to have any personal space, he follows me around the house chatting and always wants to come with me when I go anywhere. He says he just likes being with me.

I like being with him too, just not all the time.... I can say I want an early night, so I can go to bed and read, and he suddenly decides he wants an early night too. He's not so keen on them when he's snoring on the sofa of an evening and I tell him to go to bed hmm

I just feel smothered, and it's making me resentful.

Is there a way that I can convey this to him so that he doesn't take it personally? It really isn't personal, I'm like this with everyone, it's nothing to do with him....

I just need to get this out really, so that it stops me from hurting his feelings, I love him sad But this is driving me fucking crazy!

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 17:05:07

Actually Jux, I don't really have any friends..... I have people that I talk to online and occasionally I go out in a big group, but I prefer the people that live in my computer blush

My ideal night would be dicking around on the internet in an empty house with good food grin

kalidanger, he used to be like that, but he's not really any more. We have 2 big sofas in the living room, one for me and one for him grin

Recently he has taken to coming to sit next to me on 'my' sofa - after several nights with my face like this hmm he has retreated back to his own grin

fluffyraggies Sun 03-Feb-13 17:29:30

See - i can't imagine ever getting to the point of feeling smothered by DH, no matter how in each others pockets we were.

XH though - yes, i needed space.

"comes to bed with me and 'watches' me while I read" though ..... eeek!

Start with the small stuff OP. Get to the point where he will go out and leave you and know you're happy about it, at least.

Perhaps the rest of it, such as the gazing into your ear while you're reading, will go when he understands your need for and enjoyment of space.

kalidanger Sun 03-Feb-13 17:30:16

Oh mate. That's no way to live.

expatinscotland Sun 03-Feb-13 17:33:06

OMG, that would have driven me fucking insane long before 2 years.

'Please just leave me alone for a while!' works.

BIWI Sun 03-Feb-13 17:33:12

I think you just have to tell him straight. No beating around the bush. But make it clear to him that it's not about not loving him or liking being with him.

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 17:33:17

The thing is, we are happy. I'm just finding this aspect of our relationship harder and harder to deal with.

I know I'm going to have to talk to him about it - but I'm going to feel like I'm kicking a puppy sad

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 17:34:28

expat I do spend an awful lot of time muttering 'forfuckssake' under my breath grin

expatinscotland Sun 03-Feb-13 17:36:16

Oh, it wouldn't have been under my breath.

'Look, I care about you, but you're smothering me and it's driving a wedge. I need a lot more personal space.'

Although I can't really advise because I'd probably have dumped a guy like this long before we got to living together.

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 17:38:54

He wasn't really like this before we lived together though, because there was forced separation. I had no way of knowing how clingy he would be until we lived together. And it's only got to this point in the last 6 months really, it was never this bad before then. Unless it's only just started being an issue as time has gone one. Maybe before I didn't notice/mind.

I managed it with Dp by talking about extroverts and introverts and how, when he comes through the door and I throw a toddler at him and barricade myself in the bedroom, it wasn't personal, it was "being over-peopled" and I needed to "de-people" before I could talk rationally about his day and stuff.
He doesn't quite get it but he deals...mainly by playing madly with dd and fussing over his cat.
Good luck, op.

PretzelTime Sun 03-Feb-13 18:12:23

Good luck OP - you're not kicking a puppy, it's absolutely neccessary for an introverted person to spend alone time. That's how you gain energy - being around others sap it, so it will be negative to be around someone constantly no matter how much you love them. I think it would irritate most people actually!
I hope you find a solution & get your much needed time alone.

buildingmycorestrength Sun 03-Feb-13 18:50:55

Are you me?

I have to be extremely blunt and say, 'Organise a night with the boys, I need an evening in on my own.' If it doesn't happen, I insist or make it happen. Drives me mad.

He is gradually understanding that it is normal to spend time NOT with each other.

We have been together 13 years and have two kids... but it goes in patches depending what else is going on at work etc. Plus I didn't realise what was happening for a long time. Have a chat now!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 03-Feb-13 19:23:23

He sounds incredibly needy. And you are placing concern for his feelings above your own needs.

You say you are assertive. If so, what's stopping you saying, e.g. "I don't want a big group gathering, I want a girl's day out." (for the gathering with a forum member you have planned. Alter the sentence as appropriate for the occasion)

You are not telling him "You are a smothering and needy creep", you are saying "I, Lyceum, want and need space."

If his feelings are hurt, if he hears criticism where there is none, that is his problem to deal with. He is a grown up and is responsible for managing his own feelings. It's not your job.

Bobbybird40 Sun 03-Feb-13 19:29:06

In his own way, he sounds v controlling to me.

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 19:39:56

Really Bobby? He's really not. He just doesn't like being by himself, I know quite a lot of people like that.

He is quite needy HotDAMN - It's certainly not my intention for him to tag along when I meet this forum member, I shall be making that clear later down the line.

I do understand what you're saying about his own feelings being his responsibility to manage, but nobody wants to hurt someone they love, do they?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 03-Feb-13 19:48:08

nobody wants to hurt someone they love, do they?

Is that a reason to quash your own needs, though?

Bobbybird40 Sun 03-Feb-13 19:49:09

This watching you while you read business - FFs. That would do my box in if somebody did that with me. Your body language will have made it clear to him that his clinginess is irritating even if you haven't said it. Yet he still does it even though he knows you don't like it?

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 19:52:49

What he actually does is start stroking me while I'm reading, to try and get sex. I completely and utterly ignore him and pretend he's not there. I don't even think that it's particularly that he wants sex, he just wants me to pay attention to him rather than a book, iyswim. That is controlling, you're right. We had words about it recently and he hasn't done it again.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 03-Feb-13 20:03:39

Don't ignore bad behaviour or pretend it isn't happening. Name it, state that it bothers you, and demand that it stop.

Pretending that someone's boundary-pushing isn't happening is the same as colluding with their position that what they are doing is perfectly ok. If it's not ok with you, say so. Bluntly.

Glad you can recognize the way in which his behaviour is controlling.

There's a huge difference between not wanting to be alone, and being so needy that you watch someone read and won't let them pay attention to a book instead of you.

I'm sorry but to me that's a massive red flag. It's good you stopped it but I think it's quite worrying that he even thought that was normal behaviour to begin with.

You say you don't want to hurt him, but I think it's fair to stop and think about whether someone is reasonable to be hurt if you do something. It's entirely reasonable for you to want alone time. If he is hurt by that, quite frankly, that's his problem.

HollyBerryBush Sun 03-Feb-13 20:37:52

arsenic hour?

LOL I thought that was a common phrase! its the hour when you get in from work, have all the children underfoot, hungry, you are unpacking shopping, you're trying to peel spuds, sort out homework - and then someone phones!

HollyBerryBush Sun 03-Feb-13 20:39:59

dictionary.reference.com/browse/arsenic+hour

Main Entry:

arsenic hour

Part of Speech:

n

Definition:

the time of day when both children and parents have come home but dinner has not yet been served, seen as being difficult due to everyone being tired and hungry

Example:

'Arsenic hour' was first used as a play on the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's poem "The Children's Hour."

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 20:40:49

I see red flags a-flying.

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 20:44:35

Tell me why Jux. I really don't see it. I've been married twice and don't want to imagine red flags where there are none.

He's one of the good ones. I just need him to understand me better.

Lyceum Sun 03-Feb-13 20:46:26

I LOVE the phrase arsenic hour! So true in our house!

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