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Getting back the passion after an affair...

(106 Posts)
jenny99 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:59:31

Last night my husband and I kissed for the first time since May. I have had (and admitted to) having an affair and we are both working on rebuilding our marriage.

He feels that sex is an important part of it yet I feel not ready for that yet and feel as tho that will be 'the icing on the cake' when I know things will work out. I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it. We have discussed this and he also says he only wants me to do it if I am ready and want to do it.

We want to work things out yet just don't know yet whether it will be ok or not. things have been rocky for 1-2 yrs.

So it started out quite nice and tender and I was waiting to feel some passion. I didn't sad

I just wanted to feel his passion for me, his wanting me as he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants me. I know an affair is all about the thrill and excitement but I hoped that after abstinence with OH for so long there may have been a bit?!

Is this an indication it will never be ok again or will it grow as our relationship betters?

The sex was a bit boring for a long long time and will need to be addressed if we stay together but I don't think now is the right time. I tried many times to spice things up a bit over the last few years and he was happy how it was....

I can't tell him yet that it wasn't great. But I want to feel a bit of passion! Aargh. Not sure what I want to hear from anyone but maybe just want to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading x

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sun 03-Feb-13 19:00:19

I think you just don't want to have the responsibility of being the person who calls time on your marriage.

Coward.

VanderElsken Sun 03-Feb-13 19:04:46

As far as lust is concerned, you have deprived yourself and your OH of sex for a very very long time and he has been patient about that. You say yourself in your starting post that you want him to desire you and that would add to your passion. But he is kind enough not to want to initiate sex unless you want it. So you've got yourself into a horrible, cruel bind where you are complaining about not feeling sexy but not doing anything sexual. No wonder you enjoyed an affair because that made you feel good about yourself and desired. Surely you are bright enough to see that being the objet of desire is your trigger, not the OM himself. You could talk to your partner about this.
You could perfectly well feel desired in you relationship if you made an effort towards re-sexualising that but you deliberately haven't in order to kill it by-proxy over time.

If he makes your skin crawl after all this time then leave. If not, do some bloody work.

Abitwobblynow Sun 03-Feb-13 19:25:35

'he doesn't want to know.'

But he didn't want to know how unhappy Jenny was, did he? And he doesn't want to know what emotions are. And he doesn't want to live in any other world other than control and where his inner self stays shut off.

Which drove her to do what she did. Didn't CAUSE it, but it did create the vulnerability, didn't it?

greenpostit Sun 03-Feb-13 19:38:39

This is difficult. My dh had an affair 3 years ago and we have rebuilt our marriage more than I had ever thought possible.

Your problems as I see them:

1. You don't really have any closure/understanding from your affair because OM ended it and you haven't stopped having feelings for him. This is very serious and you need to get to the bottom of this with mn orfriend or a counsellor NOT your DH. Once you understand, tell dh if he wants to be told. You need to know why you did it and have an objective assessment. There are things that adulterers do - some rewrite history, even unknowingly lying to themselves about it (eg i never loved my husband) and others convince themselves that their spouse is a villain (eg my husband does xyz bad things).

2. Your dh seems to be in shock/denial or something similar. Part of the healing process IME is to hear the awful details or at least a clean summary and then deal with them. I don't really see how he can deal with what's happened without having a clue what it is. But having said that, you can't push the details onto him because that is his choice.

3. You have not registered what you have to lose. You say you will accept the consequences if dh leaves you. You should be prepared to fight for your marriage and beg forgiveness. I do not think you truly understand what it might be like for you if you split and your h marries someone else. All you seem to see is custody arrangements and financial arrangements. You would probably feel brokenness hearted and full of regret/remorse.

Excuse awful text etc on iPad!

You might find it useful to read threads in relationships on affairs that other people have had. To help learn more about your own behaviior snd your husbands response. Especially a poster called whenwillifeelnormal - I think this poster may have left mn but she dished out loads of good advice and was an expert on the subject.

greenpostit Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:57

Further thoughts...

The title is about getting the passion back and the reason this is a stumbling block is almost definitely because of your feelings for OM. Personally, after my H cheated, we had sex very soon afterwards (be careful if you had unprotected sex with OM - get STI check first) - for the wronged partner (me) it is almost like reclaiming your partner and from what I read on MN at the time, this is a very very common reaction. So do bear in mind that even if your H does not express his feelings, he may have a need to "reclaim you". I mean mentally. Also bear in mind an unexpected emotional reaction may follow any of the first few times.

I am not suggesting you do something you don't want to do but I just pointing out the feelings he may have right now.

Regarding your feelings for the OM:

Try a few things:

1) You need to accept that he did wrong. Even if he isn't married or whatever, he knew you were (presumably) and therefore he owed common decency to fellow human beings (your husband). So, whatever his set up, he acted badly.

2) To realise that your affair was in a bubble with no pressures of life and that it would not have stood up to the scrutiny and pressure of real life - drudgery, kids etc...It was never tested, it was in a perfect little (unreal) world of it's own.

3) Take a look in to the abyss (life without H) - look through photos from when you were together, getting married etc...and then think what if all that was erased and picture yourself living somewhere without that person who you loved with all your heart in those photos. Somehow you need to jolt yourself into realising what you would be throwing away from your own perspective, rather than the perspective of your kids (who are obv. important, but you need to fix the marriage itself)

4) To realise your own shortcomings - in that an affair is not the answer if you have marriage problems. That you were deceitful, that you selfishly put your own desires (OM) first above your marriage vows and husband, that you risked your family and were arrogant enough to think that you could go back. (Not meant as a flaming, sorry, just trying to help but used some harsh words because cannot think of better ones!)

5) That your relaationship with OM was based on deceit and therefore very unlikely to last. There is some statistic that relationships that start out like that have a huge failure rate. Sorry I can't be more specific there. 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st and if you combine that with relationships based on deceit as well, then it was very unlikely to work out.

You are trying your best, continue to do so and continue to ask for advice on here.

AlwaysDreaming Sun 03-Feb-13 22:42:11

Your husband is likely in shock , i don't think you can comprehend the sheer trauma and hurt that a person suffers when they have been betrayed like this , for many people it is like a bereavement , complete with physical symptoms and terrible emotional pain . You are not doing any of the things you need to do in order for him to heal .

Re being ambivalent , this is also common and he is unlikely to invest too much of himself in you when you have betrayed him , let alone be passionate towards you . You say he doesn't do feelings yet hes stated quite clearly he wants to fight for your marriage . Your not being honest with him at all . While he may not want to know the details of the affair , i think its unfair of you to not spell out clearly how you feel about the marriage .

You still seem to be romanticizing the OM and affair . You don't seem to be able to understand that it simply wasn't real . Far from being some romantic fairytale it was a nasty cheap encounter and your story is so unoriginal there are many books written about it . It is not fair or realistic to compare a nasty cheap sexual encounter with a long standing relationship .

I think you should tell him the truth about the fact that had OM asked you , you would have been off like a shot .

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