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what would you do to your husband if he said this ........

(77 Posts)
batmanstinks Sat 02-Feb-13 20:43:56

We were having a conversation last night (after a bottle of wine) about our friends.

We have recently moved and have a new circle of friends so we were assessing them.

One couple is lovely and, out of nowhere, DH said 'X is lovely, I think she might be my ideal woman. If things were different I probably would have married her' shock

I pointed out that this was maybe an inappropriate thing to say and he said 'it's alright, I don't fancy her as much as you'

shock.

I would have been justified in cutting his balls off in the night wouldn't I!

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 16:12:53

Lemon, now that really does sound melodramatic shock

I do really love him, and don't have any doubts that I should have married someone else or that I shouldn't have married him at all.

But it is wrapped up in a bigger issue lately. we used to have lots of shared interests and things in common. Now that we have got older one of DH's interests in particular has become a much bigger part of his life, and I feel to the exclusion of me and, to some extent the DCs.

It has caused a lot of resentment on my part over the last couple of months and quite a few rows.

I suppose it's the sudden realisation that maybe I'm not actually SUPPOSED to resent it so much. Maybe he should be with someone who doesn't feel as excluded as I do.

And that he has actually been the one to say it.

LemonDrizzled Tue 05-Feb-13 15:55:42

He has opened Pandora's box and started a conversation you don't want that might result in something devastating. I think that is what I mean!

LemonDrizzled Tue 05-Feb-13 15:18:31

batman could it perhaps be that in a tiny corner of your soul you have some reservations about your DH and although you are happy being married to him and wouldn't swap him for a more useful model, when he says something so crass instead of appreciating you for your loyalty and devotion, it takes your thoughts into a place you don't want to go. That is, could there perhaps be someone better suited to you, or better suited to him, and if we only have one life is this all there is?? etc etc

Midwife99 Tue 05-Feb-13 15:16:57

He hasn't got Aspergers has he? Unable to understand other people's feelings?! If my DH said that I would probably feel like you & become extremely childish & petulant about it. Apart from anything else how on earth does he expect there not to be an awkwardness during any future meetings with the "golden couple"?!!

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 15:05:01

To be fair to him, he didn't say he'd rather be married to her, but he could be if he hadn't met me.

JockTamsonsBairns Tue 05-Feb-13 14:41:08

A lot of it is about context, isn't it? On a couple of occasions, my Dh and I have mentioned to each other that so-and-so is nice looking and, to me, that's absolutely fine - it's stating fact, really.

Also, I have a long-standing male friend who I don't see very often now but, when I do, it's lovely - we go out together and sit up til all hours catching up. Dh and I have joked that it's the friend and I who should've married, we get on so well together.

I do think though, that if Dh had made a comment to me about another woman along the lines of she was his perfect woman, and he wished he'd met her before me so that he'd have a chance of being married to her - I'd find that hurtful and disrespectful, and I'd find it hard to shrug off.

I don't think your friend helped. She should have been taking the stinky shit stance. Or pointed out the one thing that was wrong with little ms perfect (c'mon, there must be something...) then you could have just had a good laugh and you'd feel better. Your H should be grovelling. Tell him you wish you'd married someone who had a massive dick instead of someone who IS one.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:30

I just feel that I spend more time saying 'that's OK, I don't mind' than 'Wow you're the greatest husband in the world'.

I thought it was because I was being shallow or spoilt but actually this isn't a case of either.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 14:11:25

I think it would be melodramatic to say it's making me question my entire relationship. But no, he isn't known for being sensitive, never has been.

But it is making me feel shit.

I can't explain why it's upset me as much as it has. I do believe him when he said he didn't really mean it / it came out wrong.

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 13:48:30

He's bewildered - that irritates me on your behalf. Is as if his reaction states: 'poor little me! My irrational wife is having a go at me! Doesn't she realise I am entitled to say whatever I like? I was just being honest.'

I think he should he saying something along the lines of, "I'm an idiot, you're my ideal woman, the love of my life and I have never wanted to be with anyone else'. He should be grovelling. He's hurt you.

It's not much to ask that your DH loves and admires you above acquaintances etc.

As for your friend - sounds like the woman makes her feel insecure. She said the wrong thing too you are surrounded by eejits

Is this situation making you reflect on your relationship entire? Is he usually more sensitive?

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Feb-13 13:30:12

You're allowed to be hurt when someone says something hurtful.

I don't think expecting to be your husband's preferred life partner is really all that much to ask.

Some people are obviously happy in relationships where the story they tell each other is one about being happy with someone despite the fact that you would prefer to be with someone else.

That's not what I want. And it doesn't appear to be what you want either.

The fact that he isn't even attempting to understand why he has upset you so much is not great.

It's as though he never even believed you should consider yourself to be his favourite. Just the best he could manage at the time.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 05-Feb-13 13:06:38

Could your DH possibly be on the autistic spectrum? My STBXH used to come out with stuff like this and be totally bemused by my reaction, turns out he has Aspergers Syndrome.

If your DH doesn't understand what he said wrong, it could be a possibility.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 13:06:38

Oh I don't know. I've surprised myself by how upset it has made me. I keep telling myself that I'm being silly and should just laugh it off but I can't.

She doesn't actually bother me at all and I'm not jealous, which is odd.

I think the issue is that there a probably a lot of men who are on paper 'better' than DH. Either they are more helpful, richer,more attentive, better at DIY etc, However I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought that I would be rather be married to them or thought that anybody else was more 'ideal'

I think I feel a bit of an idiot hmm

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Feb-13 12:17:37

I do really stinky shits.

But my husband still thinks I'm perfect for him.

I don't see why he's so bewildered.

He just told you that he thinks he would have had a happier life if he had met another woman he fancies before he shackled himself to you.

Are you supposed to be grateful that you got their first and bagged him before someone better did?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 12:07:12

That's She might not see him as ideal!

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 12:06:45

Have you pointed out that he might not see him as her ideal man and that he's very lucky to have found you?

I suspect he knows that and sees her as a hypothetical / fantasy 'perfect wife', so really isn't interested in the details or practicalities. She might as well be Audrey Hepburn, he probably knows the idea is similarly unreal.

Ionasky Tue 05-Feb-13 11:36:18

yeah i think the comment reveals a bit of immaturity on dh's part - he doesn't really know the other woman, who knows what her non-public behaviour is like? He surely doesn't. Saying she's his ideal woman is naive, it's the sort of thing that might be credible to hear from someone 6 months into living with someone, if they're lucky. It would upset me, i don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset. You should let it go though, he's not going to react any different other than pretend he didn't know how hurtful he was being.

She probably does really stinky shits though, and has to seriously air the bathroom for a long time afterwards though. Just saying...

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:29:56

Her husband is quite great.

I told DH that he is far from the perfect husband, even compared to her DH, but I have always thought he was perfect for me.

I'm hurt that he would flippantly say that someone we know was perfect for him.

He doesn't understand, says it came out wrong, that he didn't mean it etc.

4 days later, he thinks I'm making a mountain over a molehill and completely overreacting.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:25:46

Is her husband that amazing? Have you thought of listing the ways in which he is, to your DH? (or of any other desirable male acquiantance)?

You are in a position to make the point that for all the marvellous attributes these other men have, you chose him, because he is amazing in his own ways and the best and most amazing person for you. (Of course you can string out the comparisons first, to give him the opportunity to comprehend this from your perspective).

If he doesn't get that and reciprocate, or genuinely feels that you were just the closest thing to ok he could persuade to go out with him, then he's a bigger fool than you thought, which isn't helpful, I know.

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:22:06

I think it was her way of making me feel better confused

AbsintheMinded Tue 05-Feb-13 11:20:44

I'd be gutted if my DH said that. I wouldn't hurt want to him by ogling friends and would expect him to have more respect for me and not trample on my confidence and feelings like that.

Did you tell your friend first that you were hurt by it?

batmanstinks Tue 05-Feb-13 11:08:34

Hmm, mistakenly told a mutual friend this morning what he'd said and she then went into detail about why this friend was so amazing and how she was probably every man's ideal woman and that's certainly why she has such an amazing husband.

I'll be over here, weeping gently in the corner hmm

BerylStreep Mon 04-Feb-13 16:34:26

but I at least need to feel like the best option within a one mile radius

grin

batmanstinks Mon 04-Feb-13 15:23:28

Well I told DH last night that I was still upset about it and he was a bit bewildered to say the least.

My point was that I don't need lavish gifts or grand romantic gestures but I at least need to feel like the best option within a one mile radius.

There's either no such thing as his ideal woman, it's Beyonce or it's me. No other options are acceptable.

He looked confused grin

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