Mumsnet Talk

Is it always due to a bad marriage/partnership? - or is it pure selfishness?

I haven't had one btw, neither has my dh, I'm just wondering as it seems so common.

I imagine that for some people it is down to lack of imagination. They can't fast forward 5 years and see that the new man/woman farts, moans, stresses just like their OP currently does.

And definitely a good dose of selfishness helps.

Thrill of the chase.

The list is long...

I think the state of the marriage is pretty irrelevant.

It's down to one person being flawed and deciding that s/he will deal with those flaws by turning to a third party rather than the primary partner, probably without even considering the damage of betrayal.

Ha - yes, it's a fantasy world isn't it.

Being a baboon -impulsivity, selfishness, lust, cowardice, boredom, attraction, lack of conscience, rationality, self control, self awareness, willpower, courage, imagination. The bad marriage thing is a myth started by the first baboon who had to rationalise away what they were doing so that their beleaguered rational brain could handle it.

This is a very good article that explains the types of affair, the people who conduct them etc. Affairs are all about the people having them, not the betrayed spouse although it feels extremely personal at the time

There are loads of 'reasons'.

It all boils down to the cheater justifying their needs and wants above the feelings of their partner.

Fascinating article countingto10 - thank you.
& agree sioda & Stella.

In my case it has very little, if at all to do with me, it was all to do with him which, in moments of honesty & counselling, he has said. Both from the outside and the inside we seemed to have a really strong & happy marriage, although in hindsight it was probably imbalanced, with me offering more emotional and practical support than I got in return.

The affair meant excitement/thrills/change from the usual, disengagement from me and the dcs. Behind it was an arrogance (so arrogant he stuffed up his job as well) and arrant selfishness - ILs have commented on this a lot. His behaviour after affair discovery was frankly cruel and bizarre. The OW is relevant in that she is less attractive than me, others who have seen her are startled so it's not as if he was 'trading up', is less clever & used to being treated badly (which means he doesn't need to try very hard) but is very passive aggressive and needy ('it's all right for you having a lovely time with your kids, I'm sad on my own' - which is why she now joins them on their only full day with their dad), irritating traits that he has taken on.

SM - I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay.

I don't know WHY, but I do wonder where they find the time.

I don;t think MN Relationships is representative of relationships in general, looking around it certainly isn't my experience that most men are arseholes but because there is a wealth of wisdom, support and humour on MN it's a natural instinct to seek it out. Don't suppose there is much impetus to start threads on feeling content or companionable silences.

Thanks Navada for asking, I mostly am very ok. I do know happy, contented marriages & there are lots of happily marrieds on MN (who just don't shout about it) and that reassures me.

I recently posted a thread in which a friend of mine husband came to me and said that he wanted to sleep with me with his wifes knowledge and consent and would I be up for it just me and him. It was a mixed reaction on mn. My reaction was no I don,t want to sleep with you as you are a married man.
Affairs, cheating it all comes under the same umbrella and should be avoided.

I'll never understand it tbh, why people get involved with married men/women. The fact that they're cheating on their partner would be enough to put me off - they'd be cheating on me next, I'd have no respect for them as people.

From working in pubs in one area over many years I see the same men marry, cheat, divorce, marry, cheat, divorce...

When you chat they'll tell you this one is their soulmate, but within a year or two they revert to type. Just very selfish, insecure men - I genuinely feel very sorry for the (usually very nice, normal) women they marry.

I would say women too but I've genuinely only ever seen one try to cheat openly...which from my experience is nothing like statistics suggest. (60% men - 40% women).

No it isn't always because of a bad marriage/partnership and yes it is nearly always about selfishness.

But a lot of people having affairs fall between the extreme caricatures of the repeat philanderer and the miserably married/ attached. These are people who no-one would say are the 'type', live conventionally 'good' lives and even if you asked them, would say that they were in strong marriages.

But this is a threat in itself. Because they think they are good, upstanding citizens who would never cheat, their boundaries are often poor around other people and they under-estimate the effect of someone else boosting their egoes and making them feel better about themselves. Especially so if their ego has taken a knock in other areas e.g. at work, weight gain/appearance change, older children being less adoring and compliant, the feeling of being less needed.

In summary, there are an awful lot of very ordinary people who have affairs.

Charbon, dp fits into the 'ordinary' catagory you describe and he too would never have seen himself as somebody who would cheat, me neither tbh, which is why even though I started to have my suspicions it came as a complete shock when I found out what he'd been up too.

We'd been together for 17 years. One ds, life was ticking along ok (ish).

Circumstances, a dip in his own self worth, which in turn affected our relationship, selfishness. OW came along at a time when a mixture of all those things mentioned where probably at a peak.

We are still together nine months on. Dp will talk about it whenever. He says he was a different person and can't quite believe he cheated.

I have to say that dp was the person I thought the least likely to stray, I was totally blindsided. I'm still very much hurt by what he's done but we are working together to build bridges.

Why do people have affairs?

Because it feels absolutely great when someone admires you and lets you know you are hot, and you want a bit more.

That this slope (of wanting a bit more) is soooo slight you don't notice how much you are sliding. And it feels SO GOOD to be this admired, and this alive, and this sexual!

That it feels better and better and better, and you can't do without it.

Then you cross the line. And life changes for ever.

Gravy, does he answer any question you ask? Does he not try to run away from it?

He does answer my questions Abitwobbly even though at times I can see that he feels awkward (and rightly so) answering them as it's bringing it all up again but he's never lost patience.

I think about it less and less, I have fewer questions. It's just building the trust again.

I should say that I don't make him feel awkward when he talks to me about it I just feel his awkwardness.

It's left our relationship 'bruised' if you like. I think about the ow less and less but I'm still left with the hurt of the betrayal by him iykwim.

Sorry I'm waffling, entertaining a 6 year old while responding

People have affairs because they are selfish wankers.

Otherwise they would finish their current relationship before embarking on another.