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Was I wrong and what do I do now. I can't think straight

(83 Posts)

Hi all

I've been with dp for 9 years we have dd 4( nearly 5)

I have a history of abusive partners but dp has never been anything but safe

He had a very tough time when dd was born, I've posted about it before but after 2 very bad years I thought we were through it and for the last 2 years he had been a good dad

Over the weekend dd didn't want to get dressed ( back ground she had the night before been give a new set if pjs they where pink with hearts a hood and built in feet plus they where über soft) anyway I had been explaining to dd that if she didn't get changed she couldn't go out to the park

Dp came into the room listened for 5 secs and lost the plot he got down on her face a bodily screamed at her for maybe 2 mins ie as long as it took me to standup and walk over to them. I said stop you are frightening her ( he was frightening me) and tried to get between them and dp push me back and screamed in my face to back him up or go away. He then picked dd up and ran up stairs with her and continued to scream at her and then I heard him slap her

I went up stairs and managed to convince do to let me get dd dressed he wondered about shocking socks on her ect and then went down stairs and didn't speak to me or dd and we left 30 min later after I had calm dd down

Now later on dp and I had a chat and I told him I was reconsidering our relationship and he told me I was over reacting and that what he did was my fault

Dp did not have a good childhood

But I don't know what I think or feel at the moment I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

schobe Fri 01-Feb-13 08:08:21

For me he'd be out the door for the screaming alone, never mind the slapping. Absolutely not overreacting, social services would be interested in this. He should be contrite, not trying to deflect blame to you. Bad childhood may be a reason but is not an excuse.

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 08:09:11

That he blames you and not himself says it all.

He started screaming at your DD before you went over how can that be your fault.

I think this is serious enough for you to tell him he goes to the doctor for help and/or the next time he does that your marriage is over.

No child should be screamed at and slapped.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Feb-13 08:14:01

This is very, very serious. The man sounds utterly unstable and dangerous. This 'tough time' for two years when your DD was born. What happened then? People rarely go from normal to abusive overnight, so are you saying he had behavioural problems then but you chose to brush it under the carpet? Have you been making excuses and allowances because of his 'bad childhood'?

Please get yourself and your DD safe and away from this person. She must have been terrified. Womens Aid, police DV unit, whatever it takes.

foihnula Fri 01-Feb-13 08:14:02

That was NOT your fault. And he's just saying so to shift the blame (which is pretty bad but not uncommon). He's a grown man, who should have either removed himself from the situation if he knew he was going to flip or keep himself under control. Just because it was more threatening than physical it doesn't mean it won't do any harm.

I know it's a horrible situation but maybe just try to think of it from her point of view alone (forget your DP, he can leave the situation, she has no control). Where is it going? Is it likely to happen again etc. It's always worth talking to someone outside the home/social circle to help you out a bit if you think you're being oversensitive etc. (Sorry if I sound extreme btw, just an issue close to my heart). Best of luck x

foihnula Fri 01-Feb-13 08:16:07

(P.S I'd have been out the door at lightening speed! Under no circumstance is that acceptable, even towards an adult, let alone a child. So please don't be complicit in it, for your DDs sake)

You were not wrong. Your partner has just shown his true colours. He has hit your child and threatened you, and then tried to blame you.

You are not to blame, your child is 2 years old. (Though unrealistic expectations are never an excuse for violence.)

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, you need to make sure you and your DD go somewhere safe, not just short term but long term. You need to be somewhere that you don't need to live in fear of this happening again.

No you are not overreacting.

I don't have personal experience of Abusive partners but that would ring massive alarm bells for me i'm afraid.

I have had some massive rows with my DH over the past twenty years but he has NEVER pushed me or got in my face, ever.

FirstTimeForEverything Fri 01-Feb-13 08:23:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thanks for all the comments.

To answers some questions.

I took DD and I as fast as I could out of the home.

I got DD calm (gave her a massive hug) and utter an sentence that I never throught I would "Its ok sweetie, don´t worry, be quiet and we will get in the car and go to granny and grandads"

I also had a job to do that had to be done that morning,

But I went straight from home with DD to my parents, and I told my dad (who I could get on my own away from DD) everything that had happened that morning. As I wanted them to know incase DD said anything.

I went and Spoke to a friend (Male) and explained everything that happened to find out about Social Services, Child protection, Police etc. as I am NOT in the UK and needed to know where I stood.

I came back home maybe 4 hours after I left with DD, and spoke to DP, who said it was my faulth (as he disagrees with my parenting method ie explaining consequence to DD and NOT forcing her), That he didn´t push me he "kept me away from dd" that he could not promise never to lose his temper again. That 9 years is good going for not losing temper, and that I was over acting massively to be considering ending our relationship.

I did also point out that I did do the tough parenting that he won´t do. ie it was me that got DD to sleep through the night and in her own bed, it was me that got DD settled in School, etc.etc

I told him that he HAD to appologise to DD and if it happened again I would through him out.

I have also told DD that she can tell any grown up at any time if she is frightened or scared and that I will always protector and I will NEVER be cross if she tells a grownup anything.

Cognito.

The though time for the first to years of DD life was in NO way similar to this, he just seemed to hate her (I think that is the first time I have described it as hate) ie he would walk out of the room if DD and I walked into it, he woke me up in the middle of the night and said "your dd is crying" and went back to bed, the only time I left him to look after DD I was in the shower (had showered in over a week) I left DD with him for 5 mins tops and he had walked out of the house to have a fag and left her (she was 1week old maybe 10days) I slept in with DD and he has our bedroom and he unplugged the baby monitor so if I ever needed help he didn´t hear. He wouldn´t cuddle her etc. I posted a lot on here at the time (different user name) and was pretty much told he is confused, new parent doesn´t know what to do with her etc.etc.etc.

Two points which may be important.

1 I lost a lot of blood when DD was born, Doctors told DP to call my parents as I wouldn´t make it through the night. I was very badly anmaemic for the first 18 months of DD life and had to have regulary tranfusions etc

2 I am disabled, and although I am strong I am no where near as strong as DP the stairs are difficult for me and I normally use crutches etc.

Locketjuice Fri 01-Feb-13 08:50:33

I wouldn't have a man that shouted at my son let alone smacked!

It's awful!

Tell him to sort it out and either he agrees it will never happen again and therefore admitting fault or leave.

Poor little girl! confused

Locketjuice Fri 01-Feb-13 08:52:13

Hadnt read properly.

Leave him! He's a bully! Don't let your little girl be around that!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Feb-13 08:52:49

"The though time for the first to years of DD life was in NO way similar to this, he just seemed to hate her "

How is that not similar to this? 'Hate' or at least a total absence of love, seems to describe very well what just happened. Doesn't matter if he had a bad childhood, was a confused new father, doesn't even matter if on some subconscious level he blames your baby for making you seriously ill.... what matters is that he is unstable and you and your DD should not be subjected to his behaviour.

It is not your fault that this happened but he is really the latest in your long line of abusive men as partners. He is showing you his true colours. Blaming you is classic; he is absolving himself of all responsibility for his own actions here. This person is not worth any of pity; many people have poor childhoods and do not end up becoming abusive themselves.

I think you and your DD need to get this man out of your lives asap and Womens Aid can and will help you here.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. How is it that you yourself have a history of abusive partners?. That needs addressing now and properly by you.

To this end I would enroll on the Womens Aids Freedom Programme; was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. I daresay you saw a lot of abuse too and have learnt many damaging lessons about relationships. This all has to be unlearnt or you could well run the risk of continually picking low lifes who actually can spot and target a women with low self esteem and worth at 100 paces.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 08:55:19

If you feel that you can't leave him because you'll find some everyday tasks hard then please contact social services. They'll help you! And there's no excuse, seriously. The background info just makes it even sadder sad You don't want your DD feeling like she's caused his reaction to her in general and in turn blaming herself too. She's just a kid and needs you to act for her on this. Wishing you so much luck and strength x

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:01:43

He thinks it's fine, doesn't he? sad FFS, "9 years is good going for not losing temper" - not to this extent it isn't!

Are you really going to wait for it to happen again? He's just told you that it will. I know you say that he has never been abusive before but look at the way he's reacted to it - that's extremely telling.

A normal caring parent who had lost it and screamed or slapped their child would feel mortified and upset with themselves. He's acting as though his actions were justified (which probably means that he thinks that they are.) - Not that it's relevant if you've both always been against it, but is physical punishment usual in the country that you're in?

He's also blamed you for what has happened which is utter bollocks. You weren't the one screaming in your DD's face. This is a giant red flag.

Lastly, I'll repeat again. He has told you he will do it again. He stated that he "can't promise" he won't lose his temper again. When someone tells you what they are like, listen to them.

Why are you giving him another chance to hurt and frighten her? He's not a child who deserves a chance to redeem their behaviour before being punished, he knows what he did was wrong, and in any case, it's not about him, it's about your DD.

BTW the other stuff about him being disengaged from her is very telling about his attitude towards her (and you) too. I think if you posted that same thread about his behaviour towards her as a baby now, you'd get different replies. Mumsnet has changed quite a lot in the last few years - I posted about abusive XP when DS was a baby as well and was told that he just needed more confidence etc. It's more likely to be recognised now as a red flag or at least as them being unsupportive to you - did you see the thread recently about whether or not it's possible to have a shower, eat etc with a newborn? It's not normal for a mother of a newborn with a partner not to be able to shower for a week.

sad Sorry.

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:02:15

Atilla OP is not in the UK.

BertieBotts Fri 01-Feb-13 09:04:15

And your DD is a child and does deserve that chance. Not to just be punished on his whim as soon as he deems she is misbehaving.

The bloody stupid thing is I am such a tough no nonsence kind of person.

I had two abusive partners in the past. the last one I hit as I was certain he was going to kill me. My next partner litterally gave me back to me. He saved me in every way that is worth saving (he died)

none of my parents / grandparents have bought me up in abusive relationships. But I do have "self" worth issues. not in work, or with friends but I do have a tendency to not feel worthy of DP, I have had some weight issues in the past which I am still working on. I have LOTS of male friends good friends but I have never really been a that good at beliveing I am worthy of a relationship.

I tell dd how beautiful she is every day (and she is simply gorgerous)

I just can´t think striaght at the moment about DP, and we are "supposed" to be getting married in 3 weeks.

We have put up with so much and got through so much together and I just don´t know what to do.

I want dd to be happy and safe more than anything in the world,

Of crap its such a mess.

Oh and here phyiscal punishment is NOT the norm.

Children are very much loved, but they have the up most respect for their parents. I have seen children smacked. running out into the road or in other dangerous situations but not through anger.

Dp is back so it is going to be a little tricky to post for a while but I will be back and I can read the posts.

He is NOT a fan of MN.

Hi Bertie

Pity she is not in the UK but hopefully the OP can access similar types of service in her country of residence.

I saw that re not being in the UK only after I had posted.

brainonastick Fri 01-Feb-13 09:28:17

I would definitely NOT get married to him, but i think you know that.

If he can't see why what he did was wrong, then you have no alternative but to leave.

You sound like you have been very strong for your daughter, I'm sure you can carry on being strong for her.

What are your rights and support in the country you are in? Are there any major obstacles to leaving that you need to think through?

I bet he isn't a fan of Mumsnet.

The more you say about him the worse he sounds sad

mummywithnosleep

No abusive man is a fan on MN.

Think this guy is the latest in a line of men doing a number on you. Your inherent low sense of self worth (probably from having relationships with abusive men) has come from somewhere and it needs to be properly addressed now otherwise you will continue to have relationships with men who turn out to be abusive like this current man.

Who made you not think you are "worthy"?. When did that train of thought start?. Of course you are worthy, certainly more worthy than the abuser you are currently with but you need to truly believe that for your own self.

Love your own self for a change and do not rely on someone to try and rescue and or save you. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship as neither approach works.

He has shown no contrition for his actions and blames you for his behaviour. He just wants you to put up and shut up and yes he has told you as much he will do this again. He wants absolute control over you and your child; he does not give a toss for either of you.

You are on crutches yet you are seemingly living in a residence with stairs?. This could be seen as yet another way of isolating and further controlling you. Was that his idea to move in to this home?.

This is no ideal role model for your DD to be following and learning from is it?.

You cannot marry this man under any circumstances!!.

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