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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Difficulty ending abusive relationship

16 replies

Ponyofdoom · 31/01/2013 23:44

I am really struggling as he has been crying and pleading with me not to give up on him. Its been 15 years of abuse, so I do know he's not going to change unless he gets counselling or..something. He has only recently started admitting it's his fault when he realised I was serious about ending it. I just can't face any more of the same shocking behaviour; but I feel utterly dreadful about hurting him. I do still love the non abusive side of him. I have read the Lundy Bancroft book so I do know the score. I am also having counselling to sort my head out but I don't think its helping. We have been living separately for the last 3ish years but this is due to other circumstances. Can anyone offer some support or tell me to grow some? Thanks

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Dryjuice25 · 31/01/2013 23:54

I think you already know what you need to do.Only you know the extent of this abuse and to put up with itfor 15years is quite... well, shocking but not unusual. He's hurt you for years, why should you give monkeys about leaving a bad relationship? Think of your own interests too. It's not a bad thing to be looking out for oneselve. He clearly is not looking out for you. He is selfish and he needs to learn a lesson.

This man sounds to me like he will never change.He wants to keep you at the expense of your sanity.To me it sounds like he is scared of losing the hold he has on you. How much more can you take of this? It sounds like you have had enough of this. Demand more because you deserve better. He will not change.

Mabelface · 31/01/2013 23:58

He's not been worried about hurting you all these years. Time for you to think of yourself. Read the book again too.

Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 00:11

Thanks -I do know you are both right. I don't think going back is actually an option because as you say, I simply cannot take it any more, it sickens me now; I have finally become allergic to his behaviour. The trouble is, I am just too soft and hate hurting people I care about, I would rather be hurt myself, hence the 15 years of being a mug..the tears and pleading are killing me but I do know really I mustn't weaken again. The other thing is that I have said I would consider getting back together if he did get 'fixed', but in reality I think there is too much damage in the past to get over. I am so sad but also angry at him for messing up what could have been a great relationship by being a violent, controlling idiot :(

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Dryjuice25 · 01/02/2013 00:29

He is crying because he is motivated by loss! Don't buy this one love. He is just an abusive twunt. He needs to realise that being .."a violent and controlling idiot" is not attractive and will make him lose you. Don't be a "mug" anymore. Ignore his bargaining cries and have the courage to leave him. He is pathetic.

Do you have dcs? Are you married etc etc. Me thinks its time to kick this one to the kerb. You will be happy on your own and you might meet someone who will treat you right. Or you can stay with him and get the same abusive treatment forever after

ItWentThatWay · 01/02/2013 00:37

The best thing I ever did for my DC and my own phyical and mental health was to completely cut contact with my abusive exH.

Like you I was 3 yrs separated when I found the strength to keep him out of my life for good.

You will come through just like I did. I know how hard it is but you know it will never change.

Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 00:42

You are great Dryjuice, thanks for saying it like it is! No children, not married, I am also financially independent, own house, car, job etc so I have no actual reason to stay. He is pathetic I guess, but hence my feeling sorry for him, which I have always done and made excuses due to his bad upbringing-not that this is a genuine excuse. His life is a bit of a mess so I feel as though I am kicking him when he is down although there's no reason why he cant sort himself out without me. I am feeling a bit stronger already :)

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Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 00:44

Thank you for your thoughtful post Itwent. I am so glad you were strong and escaped x

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Dryjuice25 · 01/02/2013 01:01

I will drink to your freedom! You don't need to mother this manchild. He has blown his chances.You can't change him. The only emotion he deserve right now is pity. You don't love this man but the nicer version of him. The reality is that he is not that nice.Do pity him but leave him to grow the fuck up.

His "mess" or "upbringing" is just a ruse and don't allow yourself to be the emotional punchbag. You are not married! Oh, and no kids and you're financially independent. Then you should be indestructible. No wonder he is crying! Go. Don't look back. Good luck. Trust me you will do so much better than this.

izzyizin · 01/02/2013 05:24

15 years of violent and abusive crap and pisspoor amateur dramatics??!!! O dearie me, you have been a glutton for punishment, honey.

As AF would say, and may well say if she reads this thread later, has he got a ginormous golden dick?

As the time is long overdue for you to cut all contact with this pathetic twunt, I suggest you locate your nearest Women's Aid offices here: www.womensaid.org.uk to ask when the next Freedom Programme is starting - and enrol on it.

What type of counselling are you having? Does your counsellor have specific expertise in the effects of long term dv/abusive relationships?

izzyizin · 01/02/2013 05:34

I've just read this article: www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ which was posted by mathanxiety on another thread and it occurs to me it may be of interest and help to you.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 01/02/2013 08:10

I had one just like him, he will never ever change and the crying etc is just another way of trying to control you. You have no children, and live seperately, so there's absolutely no reason at all why you should even be speaking to him. Tell him to keep away and you will call the police if he doesn't. You're not hurting him, he's just angry that he's not in control anymore, he'll change tactics in a few weeks once he realises tears aren't working.

nospace · 01/02/2013 10:04

How old are you? Do you want children in the future? If you stay with him and become pregnant, you will be assaulted when you are pregnant and when you are trying to look after a baby; and this will be their home.

You've wasted enough years of your life now. Is this the best your life will be?

Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 11:05

You guys are great, thanks so much for your cut-through-the-crap incisiveness! Nospace, I am 42 -old enough to know better- and definitely don't want children, luckily. The Livestrong link looks highly relevant to me izzy, I will read and digest later, thank you. The counsellor doesn't seem to really get it, he seems to think my parter/ex needs anger management therapy but that doesn't really tie in with the abuse/control. I can't quite break all ties yet as the partner/ex has something precious to me- photos- that I haven't managed to get back yet but when I have done that I can move on. Thanks so much.

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Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 11:13

PS I am not sure what type of counsellor he is, it was free counselling from work! I thought I would go as an experiment as I haven't had any before. I have two sessions left so might then look into more specialist counselling..I am loathe to contact Womens Aid as they have much more desperate cases to help, with vulnerable financially trapped women and children, I am just a sucker who needs to move on! Oh and he stopped sleeping with me 3 years ago maybe as punishment? So there is nothing in it for me except my misplaced love...

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Suzietastic · 01/02/2013 11:32

At 42 you have plenty of time to rebuild your life and be happy. He had 15 years to do right by you and he chose to throw it away. That was his decision. The only control he has over you now is the fact that he has those photos. Get them back ASAP then cut all ties so you can grow strong again. Congratulations on your new life x

Ponyofdoom · 01/02/2013 12:09

Thank you Suzie, really appreciated x

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