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it was just a series of platonic kisses (with tongues)

(39 Posts)
circlecircles Thu 31-Jan-13 23:07:23

I'd never done it before but my gut told me something had happened. I checked w's email icloud account and found a series of messages revealing an affair between my w and her work colleague. I challenged w without revealing I new about the emails hoping that w would come clean - she didn't until she knew she'd been busted. "It was just a series of afternoon coffees and drinks after work over the last three months, it was platonic, we did kiss (with tongues) a couple of times but our bodies didn't touch and there was no fondling - it was purely platonic not sexual at all". I think this is BS. Could I be wrong?

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 08:28:37

xales making sure she dies is surely a wee bit extreme wink

not to mention 'a little group' shock

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 08:30:13

Soz xales know i do typos all the time particularly with my phone's presumptive text... just thought those were quite....Freudian.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Feb-13 08:51:31

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - both you and your wife need to read it. It has helped many others on here and will help you process your thoughts and feelings.

I agree your wife is minimising - they always do this. You need to explain that to have any chance of moving on, she needs to be totally honest and transparent - anything else you find out later on will cause a huge setback in your recovery.

Do not make any long term decisions - you will keep changing your mind as you go through various emotions.

Please remember that none of this is your fault - your wife chose to cheat as a way of dealing with her issues, even if there were problems in the marriage, she could have chosen to talk to you instead of having an affair.

Xales Fri 01-Feb-13 09:02:27

Ha sorry phone, fat fingers and autocorrect

So sorry circles how shit sad give yourself time and space before making decisions. Look after yourself

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 01-Feb-13 09:37:12

Sorry circles. Don't forgive her, as you say she's an idiot, and that means she would do it again.

Your boy will do better being brought up knowing that cheating is unacceptable.

struwelpeter Fri 01-Feb-13 10:01:03

Sorry but idea of kissing with tongues and no body contact made me confused if not grin and two people leaning in for a full-blown snog but keeping arm's length apart.
What planet of idiot does she think you are from?
All that's every written about any cheating/wandering partner applies to you. Sit back, think of what you want for you and your relationship, what you want for your DC, what you think you want in the future from her. What trust or the marriage means to you and how you feel she has betrayed that.
Take your time and don't let her rush you into any quick decisions. Does she still work with him, see him regularly?

Buzzardbird Fri 01-Feb-13 11:34:41

That's what I was thinking strul, how on earth do you get in a position to have a full on tongues snog without touching each other?

She really needs to tell the truth if she wants to save this marraige, don't let her get away with lying to make her look not so bad.

cronullansw Fri 01-Feb-13 19:36:37

You have two choices here pal.....

(a) Eat it, work it, shit it. smile Accept it, deal with it and move on: quickly, and don't keep picking the scab or it will never heal.

(b) The MN way. LTB, appoint lawyers now, make copies of emails SMS's etc, tell her to move out, tell all her friends and colleagues about her terrible infidelity, blah blah blah, then come on here for more tips in your strategy to ruin all your lives.

And btw, the tongues / yes, and body contact / no, is plain old bollocks.

cronullansw AFAIK the MN way has never been to tell everyone. People are frequently told to keep their dignity and NOT plaster it all over FB.

circles' DW is currently lying, minimising, has cheated, is treating him like a moron and your advice is to accept that and move on. How do you move on when that is going on?

bodencatalogue Fri 01-Feb-13 22:47:20

MrsTerryPratchett life is not as black and white as you and many people here seem to think it is.

I am absolutely appalled by the one strike and LTB attitude that is so prevalent here.

I can only think that for some of the posters here life has smacked them so hard in the face they can only offer unbalanced advice because what has happened to them has been so traumatic and they haven't got through it yet or they haven't been smacked in the face enough by life to be able to offer mature advice backed up by experience and are just spouting based on how they think they would feel if it happened to them.

The instant labelling of lying, minimising, cheating, bastards needs to be dropped. Yes there are bad people that can easily tell lies but for alot of people caught out the instant reaction is to try and save the situation. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

Mumsnet really need to pin advice and links to professional resources at the top of this board for the common questions being raised because there is some really irresponsible stuff being proffered here under the guise of advice.

It wasn't one strike was it though? It was three months of lying, sneaking around, sober, thought out deceit. If circles comes back and says his DW is sorry, says it was something but it is over and that she will do a lot of work on this. She will think about why it happened, she will work on it not happening, that is a very different thing. As it stands, not this situation.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 02-Feb-13 08:20:34

are just spouting based on how they think they would feel if it happened to them.

Many of us have actually been there...

Unless there is honesty and a willingness on the cheater's part to repair things, the marriage will not survive. You can't expect Op to sweep everything under the carpet.

polarbearwantsfeeding Sat 02-Feb-13 16:40:22

i've done kissing with tongues without bodies touching- imagination people! There was nothing platonic about it though and I'd also not describe it as snogging.

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