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How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

(184 Posts)
ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 15:28:51

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:14

Actually, Fluffyraggies that´s a good idea.....anyone else on here care to contribute or shall we start a new thread??!
In answer, basically since my sex drive started to go downhill once the initial enfatuation phase was over....probably about 3 yrs in to the relationship tbh. I had found myself doing this with a previous longterm boyfriend as I also lost interest after the 1st 18m or so with HIM and was thinking initially with hubby: "Oooo, how great, this guy must be Mr Right, as I no longer have to fantasise"....but then mundanity set in. This is why I´m thinking it´s ME not necessarily him at all. I think maybe I´d get bored and lose my libido with ANYONE given sufficient time sad
It DOES give me hope, springdiva that there seem to be plenty on here who still have the hots for their partners...how nice that must be! envy
Until this OM was around, I´d hardly EVER fantasised about anyone real or concrete....just made up people and scenarios in my head that turned me on. Some innocent and romantic, others a little ...erm....shocking...blush
OK....somebody else´s turn to spill now...

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 22:00:56

Oh and stuckintime ...sadly I´m getting deja vu with what you wrote about your husband´s reaction to your admitting your feelings. I tried to get my DH to wake up and realise our relationship was unfulfilling and in the doldrums a good 5 or so years ago....back when I still had the energy to care and try and do something about it.
He too just seemed very surprised, stated that he thought everything was fine and I´m fairly sure thought I was probably just being hormonal.
And my reaction was just like yours.....I felt I must be making too much of it and it was all fine......without realising it, I slowly gave up and built a hard emotional shell around myself year after year since. I didn´t fight to make him realise how serious it was because I thought that he must be right and that this was as good as I could expect in a longterm relationship!
Fast forward 5 yrs and I almost embarked on an affair!
Oh and NOW my DH is in crisis mode and is taking me EXTREMELY seriously!! Pity though that this happens so often by all accounts! How do you shake/wake a man up BEFORE it gets to the danger zone? Ho hum hmm

ConfusedishSay Mon 04-Feb-13 22:06:50

Eek...sorry, oops....the above was meant to be addressed to scarborough re her "coming clean" discussion...and not even post wine...so no excuse!
Thanks though, stuckintime...a lot of us in the same canoe!

BigSpork Mon 04-Feb-13 23:35:25

I've been married for almost 10 years and I'm quite happy, more happy now really (and fantasise more about him now than ever).

Relationships tend to go through waves of drifting apart and drifting closer as long as people actively work on it, I find, but from what you've written, you've drifted apart and he's not put any effort in to bring you back together for some reason. Relationships cannot survive let alone thrive on inertia.

For us, finding hobbies we could enjoy doing together again and working on together again was the key to overcoming the comfort doldrums pulling us in different ways. Also setting goals for myself (and asking him his goals) and finding ways we could help each other has brought us together.

Is it just your relationship you're unhappy with? When I have my crisis-es it tends to be a lot of different things at once that I need to fix. We need a crisis area to help each other build ourselves back up again as things so easily pull us down and in every direction until it gets to this crunch point.

littlecrystal Tue 05-Feb-13 10:19:54

I am happy in my marriage. A big part of it is played by the fact that I am a loner and I am happy just to be with myself, and as long as DH does not interfere with my space too much or takes a load of DC responsibilities from me, I am happy to be with him. We are both independent, quiet and non-intrusive, so our marriage works. Although I do wonder often that I would like to be close-nit and do everything together, but then I am not sure if this would work.

I don’t believe in soulmates. I don’t trust anyone 100% but myself. How many stories here on MN saying “my lovely DH cheated” etc. There is no marriage without ups and downs. That’s just life.

nokidshere Tue 05-Feb-13 10:53:02

We have been married for 26 years and together for 31 years.

Its better now in a lot of ways. A calm, comfortable love and mutual respect that comes, not only with longevity, but with age. Of course many, many years of fertility treatments, being parents when we were older and other pressures have served to make sure that our lives haven't been dull. And the rows we had when we were younger were something to behold. And sex (for us anyway) has just got better and better over the years.

I think the secret of longevity is peace. If you have a deep feeling of contentment and a truly shared partnership you will want to put your efforts into your relationship. If you find you are longing for more and "looking around" for excitement you need to decide if you want to find those things within your existing relationship or on your own.

Is the fact that you aren['t attracted to your husband anymore down to the MLC feeling or is the MLC feeling because you aren't attracted to him? Either way you need to sit down and talk to your husband because unless you tell him how you are feeling he cant do anything to change it or help.

nokidshere Tue 05-Feb-13 10:56:09

sorry I dont know how I missed all the pages inbetween page 1 and the end - I thought I was posting quite soon after the OP lol and obviously there have been lots of xposts since then - apologies lol

ConfusedishSay Thu 07-Feb-13 11:59:37

Thanks for the last few comments too...wise words from everyone really and it is really heartening to hear how many people still have warm and fuzzy feelings towards their spouses!
Deep down, I feel kind of pessimistic for the future of the relationship (wish I didnt and I´m trying to fight that!) but I know I have to have tried everything I possibly can before I can end things and know it is the right thing to do.

I definitely am. Sounds twee but my DH is my best friend, the one I turn to when I feel blue for cheering up, the first one I want to tell when something exciting happens... Honestly the person I want to share my entire life with.

I never thought I'd feel like this, never thought contentment was possible, but we've been together for 7 very difficult years and I'd have it no other way smile

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