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How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

(184 Posts)
ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 15:28:51

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

VanderElsken Thu 31-Jan-13 16:23:20

Sometimes love dies. It's very very sad but sometimes it does. Sometimes one partner grows to feel they want more out of life and they romantically or cynically cast the other aside.

Are you under 35? How much does he know about you feeling this way?

This may help. http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/586

Squitten Thu 31-Jan-13 16:24:31

I'm happily married. We've been together for 11yrs, married for 5 and have two boys. We had a few rough patches earlier on - DH used to have different ideas about how relationships should be and was hesitant to settle down. We overcame them though and we both have the same view of life with young kids - it's a tough slog but it's temporary, and nothing said at 3am is taken personally! We'll be TTC our third and final baby this year. I'm really looking forward to having older kids and I'm REALLY looking forward to when we can go on bigger travels and expand our horizons a bit, both with the kids and on our own once they've grown up.

I have felt that fear - the dread of "nothing new ever again!" But I always tell myself that whilst that feeling is temporary, the bond that I have nurtured and grown with my DH over the last decade is so much better. I could never imagine another man knowing all my quirks and habits and not being mortified. I couldn't imagine trusting another man with my children, my secrets, my future prospects, etc.

I think you probably owe it to yourself and your DH to put some time into your marriage - discuss how you feel and see if there's anything you can rekindle. If you can't do that, or don't want to try, then you owe it to both of you to walk away.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 16:25:05

Well no,ConfusesishSay I can't really agree with you about that.

I don't think marriage is perfect, nor is it for everyone.
But we have been happily married for 23 years, together for 25.
I hope we are still together after 50 years. I would marry him all over again. He's great.

I think blaming whether marriage works as a concept is not especially helpful.it sounds a bit like you are justifying things rather than just looking objectively at your relationship. It's a distraction really.

If you wantto end your relationship, especially if you want a different one, you need to clear about that.

ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 16:25:10

Vander I´m not considering embarking on an affair, for the very reasons you state, and I am trying very hard to commit to being in this marriage. The alternative isn´t great really- kids, finances and of course devastating this man who is actually my best friend after all. I´m not really scared of being alone- sometimes I long for that- but I just don´t know how to reawaken any kind of lust or excitement. I´m sure the problem is entirely mine, I just have no idea what to do about it!

newgirl Thu 31-Jan-13 16:27:19

Hmmm we have fab days and plenty of not fab days - 14 years

I'm not sure many of my friends would say they are 100% happy all the time but there are more than enough good reasons to stay married

Lovingfreedom Thu 31-Jan-13 16:27:36

I reckon if you feel like you don't want to be in the relationship anymore then that's fair enough. But beware that you don't look at single life through rose tinted glasses though...it's not all 19 year old studs demanding rampant sex. And you can't have it all ways...your DH is not going to stay the same towards you and might not be there for you once you give him the Big E. If you have a look at the slim pickings available men on dating sites you might start finding your DH a bit more appealing. Then again....you might feel like your relationship is over and you'd like to be single for a while.

I've been in an unhappy marriage and am now in a happy marriage (I think so anyway).

It's weird because to the outside world, they probably appear exactly the same. But they are/were not.

With my now DH, I feel very calm, very content and very pleased to be with him. (Not all the time obviously)
Ex-DH was/is a good man, but I felt ...kind of unsatisfied all the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's as simple as life stages - I'm now early 40s, but mostly I think its a question of compatibility.

Bunbaker Thu 31-Jan-13 16:30:37

That's a very apt quote Timetoask.

"the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me."

The thought of not being with my husband until I die would depress me. We have been together for 34 years and married for 31, and yes we are happy. We share the same values, still love each other and have respect and show consideration for each other. Although I'm not sure how this helps you.

VanderElsken Thu 31-Jan-13 16:32:18

Okay, well that's really promising. I'd still be interest in how old you are and what level of knowledge you Dh has about any of this. Because you see he might quietly be feeling sort of similar. Even if he isn't he may be able to surprise you with how understanding he can be about the feeling, especially if the alternative is you leaving.

For example, i spent a long time fantasising about getting out of my relationship because I thought if I was single I would drop everything and go and live in Paris for a while but for some reason I felt my OH was stifling me. turned out when I told him honestly about feeling that, and assured him honestly i t wasn't about anyone else but about my age and experience and frustrations, he supported me going to live in Paris for a month.

i know it's hugely different once you have children, but think very hard about what makes you excited about being only our own then think about why you're not doing it now. Really.

venusandmars Thu 31-Jan-13 16:33:09

Well this is what I was going to post:

"My advice is not to look 30 or 50 years ahead, but rather to focus on today, tomorrow, this week. Are you OK (i.e. safe) and respected, and honest with each other? Do you share similar values? If so, what can you do, in a positive way, to increase and build on those feelings? A real shared project between you and your dh, or something that captures your imagination and delights you both, something that brings an energy and purpose into your lives."

But then I read your post about your "mild flirtation", and my post would be:

"My advice is not to look 30 or 50 years ahead, but rather to focus on today, tomorrow, this week. Are you OK (i.e. safe) and respected, and honest with each other? Do you share similar values? If so, what can you do, in a positive way, to increase and build on those feelings? A real shared project between you and your dh, or something that captures your imagination and delights you both, something that brings an energy and purpose into your lives."

Yes. Same advice for both scenarios. Because working honesty and together on something is the opportunity for you both to see whether you can rekindle the excitement of your love. And I disagree about 'dulldom'. It's pretty mindblowing to realise that your roots are entwined (although ime that doesn't happen quite so quickly if you keep digging them up for a quick peek!)

AnotherPoster Thu 31-Jan-13 16:34:45

Then I started thinking that I am never going to feel that euphoria of "being madly in love" again (as you say, badguider) and it just seems my love life is detined for dulldom evermore. Yes, I know: that "in love" feeling is transient, not real love, etc.....but it´s still pretty amazing when you´re in it, isn´t it?

I can relate to the above. I have been with my dh for 22 years, married for 18. We are in a better place now than we have been in the past, but I can't get away from the feeling that I am still not in the really good place of my dreams. I have those daydreams in which I imagine finding someone new and going through that exciting phase of being in love. But the reality of that would be to rip my family apart, affecting children, husband, in laws, wider family, etc. All so I can feel 21 again. And being realistic, that heady relationship would one day become bland and unexciting too, and I would be right back where I am now.

So, what I am trying to say is, I think, as long as your relationship has no positive bad parts to it, as long as it is merely workaday and quietly efficient, as long as there is mutual respect and gentle love and easiness, then, basically, you have as much as anyone else has.

ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 16:35:16

Vander I´m almost 39 and I will check out that link now!
My DH knows about everything- we have been for one semi-helpful counselling session and I am reading every "save your relationship" book I can find and trying to work out what I want.
Lovingfreedom that´s funny as I DID go on a dating website a few weeks ago for that very reason- just to see what´s out there- and it was depressing indeed... haha! I´m not under any illusion that it´s going to be wonderful and easy to find somebody else. If I leave it will muck up 3 lives and possibly 4-my own- too! I really want to make it work but how do I make my heart (and libido hmm )want to?

Narked Thu 31-Jan-13 16:35:31

I'd loook at the rest of your life first. Do you feel challenged, fulfilled? Have you reached that point when you feel that you're no longer young and mourning the loss of that?

Narked Thu 31-Jan-13 16:37:08

I had my mid life crisis at 29. I'm precocious grin

Maryz Thu 31-Jan-13 16:40:23

I am, 25 years now and probably too old and set in our ways to ever bother straying grin.

I'm not saying it has all been plain sailing, we do bicker sometimes, and it obviously hasn't got the heart-stopping romance of a new relationship, but I can genuinely say we like each other and enjoy each other's company, while also having lives of our own.

It works well for us.

You don't sound as though you are happy at all at the moment -whether it is your marriage or something else in your life? I think you need to work out what would make you happy, and go from there. You may find that if you were happier with everything else, your contentment would allow you to remember and relive the romance, and find your dh attractive again. Or not.

VanderElsken Thu 31-Jan-13 16:42:26

Sounds like you're dealing with it brilliantly . My personal advice would be avoid affairs at all costs and to be the change you want to see. That's all you can do and then, if after six months you are still deeply dissatisfied, ask yourself if you need a different set up for this stage in your life.

GoSuckEggs Thu 31-Jan-13 16:48:21

I adore my DH, I just could not live without him. He is my best friend, my lover and soul mate. I love going to bed with him each night, and waking next to him every morning. I enjoy spending my spare time with him, I will not work ANY over time because it means I wouldn't get to see him as much. I just love him enormously!

That said, life is too short. If you are not happy then you need to sort it out!

ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 16:52:19

So those of you happy or "contented" in longterm relationships.....do you still actually find your spouses sexually attractive?
I´m finding the only way I can get turned on and enjoy sex is by fantasising like mad in my head from start to finish - it seems dishonest somehow. Especially since he says he finds I still turn him on like mad....again: makes me guilty.
And yes, we are trying all sorts of things to "spice it up" but essentially, I want to feel up for it to start with and I just don´t.
When I had this brief crush on another man, my libido went through the roof (from which DH benefited greatly, I might add) but now that I´ve stopped myself thinking about him, I am completely disinterested again :-(

ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 16:54:39

How long have you been married, GoSuckEggs ?
Vander that´s pretty much what I had decided....work on myself and hope something just clicks inside me. Just really worried that it may never happen....then what?

VanderElsken Thu 31-Jan-13 16:55:07

Has he changed physically since you got together in a major way? Are you still in contact with the guy you had a flirtation with?

cupcake78 Thu 31-Jan-13 16:56:21

Generally happy. Get frustrated with dh and married life but would be devastated if we split up.

When we spend time together its great I just wish it was more often.

seeker Thu 31-Jan-13 16:57:22

I am incredibly happily unmarried.

ConfusedishSay Thu 31-Jan-13 16:57:23

Yes, Narked , I probably am! I still feel about 22 in my head. Such a cliché really hmm
Anyone know a good 2nd hand Porsche dealer?? Haw haw

I'm happy. I am very, very much in love with DH and I bleive he feels the same.

We're not without our problems (see some previous threads! wink ) but I wouldn't change a thing.

GoSuckEggs Thu 31-Jan-13 17:02:51

We have only been married 5yrs.

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