don't know what I want. mixed feelings about DH

[daytimetv]

hi

I get the feeling I'm being pathetic here but I just would like to write my feelings down and if I get any replies its a bonus...even if its to tell me I'm being silly.

Been with DH 12 years. Had a DS 4 months ago. We live with my mum for financial reasons.

The problem is my DH's attitude. He really doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. His social life is his number one priority, then football, then us. Although he will argue that isn't the case. But actions speak louder than words, right? He's out of the house more than he is in. We don't talk and we aren't affectionate. We haven't had sex since we conceived DS. He belittles my feelings when I express them and makes me feel stupid.

He has always been like this but its intensified since I got pregnant. I had such a tough pregnancy. I gave up smoking and drinking (naturally) but it was a killer for me as our social life was everything to us before this. He carried on as normal, out every night and at weekends not coming home till 5 or 6 am. I suffered from pre natal depression and bad morning sickness but he was not there for me. Many times his behavior got me so stressed I thought I would miscarry. He saw me in there states and just carried on doing what he was doing. I'm finding it hard to forgive and forget.

This behaviour is carrying on now that baby is here. I do everything and because he works he uses that as a weapon, an excuse. "I'm only having a few drinks after work" etc. It's not a high powered or stressful job.

I thought he might feel left out so I suggested he do the nightly bath with DS. He has managed 3 times in nearly 5 months. He does no night feeds. He buys nothing in the way of food or nappies for DS. He shows no interest. In our boy, or me.

I've given him ultimatums but somehow he makes me feel pathetic for even suggesting we split. I've told him I'm not happy. He has a good 2 weeks then he returns to form. It stresses me out so much I don't know how to handle it.

Am I being over sensitive? Is it silly of me to want to split just because of these reasons? Another thing is that he snores really loudly, so he has his own room. I'm in the nursery with DS. I get virtually no sleep when I'm in with DS as he's a loud sleeper too. When DH goes away on the piss for the weekend (yes! Football is the reason for this) I love it as I get to sleep in his room. It's a relief when he's gone. It's infuriating that he refuses to lose weight in order to help with his snoring.

Right now I hate him. I know deep down I love him but I just can't get to that place with him when he's such a selfish prick.

Sorry for length of this post. I feel better just off loading.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Unfortunately, a selfish, sexist man becomes a lot worse when the first baby arrives. Because up until that point, you've been able to keep the peace and believe that everything's fine by giving in to him, indulging him and letting him have his own way. Now you have a baby to look after and, quite rightly, your H is not your main priority.

A decent man accepts this, and does his share of the domestic work and childcare. A selfish, sexist man starts acting up: some refuse to do any domestic work and keep disappearing to the pub, some start having or seeking sex with other women - and some become aggressive and violent.

Give yours one chance to behave like a grown-up, and if he doesn't, throw him out. If his mindset is fixed on the idea of women being there for men's benefit, and him being the Most Important Person, then it won't change and his behaviour will get worse.

If you both live with your mother, at least you will be able to throw him out of the house more easily than if you had a shared mortgage or lived in a house that was in his name.

[foolonthehill]

He is a selfish twat.
Only you can decide whether he is immature and might grow out of it......or whether he is going to be a twat permanently....

for what it's worth i think he is showing you who he really is and showing you that you are going to be a single parent whether he is there or not

Your post above does not contain any silly or trivial reasons for splitting; marriage is supposed to be a loving supportive relationship where you are cared for as well as caring, where you parent jointly if you have DC and where each person in the relationship is as important as the other. You remember those vows....did he promise to love, cherish ,honour and be faithful? Well that's the base line.

Sorry you have to think about this.
And I think you love the idea of him and what he could be, not who he is showing himself to be right now....

[daytimetv]

Thank you for replying solidgold.

To be fair to him he does his share of housework and cooking. This is just another stick to beat me with when I complian though.

Why is it so difficult to get him out of the house though? I've asked him to leave, I've screamed and begged him to leave, but he never leaves. I honestly don't know how this keeps happening. I think I'm blinkered as to the reason he is able to just hang on in there. Maybe its because I know deep down I want it to work? Or maybe because he's good at making me feel that I'm in the wrong by being too emotional and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I know there's a reason but I just can't see it.

I thought I was a strong person but it seems I'm not.

We just keep going around in circles. I'll get to the point of snapping. He'll "be good" for a couple of weeks, then he'll return to form until I snap again. I've told him all this (last night, again) and if just says he's taken my points on board. His nonchalance is infuriating.

[daytimetv]

Thanks foolonthehill. We aren't actually married. I did ask him to marry me and we had a short engagement but I called it off as he clearly didn't want to go ahead with it. It caused arguments and we were better off as boyfriend and girlfriend. It broke my heart at the time.

As I'm writing this stuff down I can hardly believe it myself. He's treated me horribly in the past. The thing is, about 5 years ago I cheated on him (I didn't sleep with the guy) with a friend of mine. I told him straight away, and he said he'd forgive me and never to speak of it again. Which he hasn't. But I think I'm still guilty about this and willing to put up with more of his shit than I usually would.

I can't believe I've allowed myself to have a baby with him (don't get me wrong, my baby is the light of my life and the only thing that makes me really happy)

[Bluemonkeyspots]

Bloody hell!!

Get rid! What does he actually do except add stress to your life, it sounds like you would be so much happier without him. Let's face it you are a single parent right now anyway.

[foolonthehill]

Nothing like guilt for keeping you fixed in a place you shouldn't be in....

If you live with your mum and it is her house then actually, legally it is she who needs to tell him to go. Perhaps if you act as a united front he will be easier to get rid of. If not then you will have to seek the advice of a solicitor.

[meditrina]

If you have mixed feelings, what you need is time (and space) to think about what you want from life.

It might include him; it might not. If you were to separate (in order to give you both space and time), how would you manage it? And what would life be like without him?

And how do you think he would react to a separation? Would it be the kick up the backside that makes him realise that changes are needed and need to be permanent?

[daytimetv]

Wow thank you for all your replies I didn't expect anyone to read the long post!

If I'd have read this post about someone else I'd be saying exactly the same thing.. get rid. My mum brought us up on her own and she is my hero. So I'm not worried about that. she helps me daily too so I wouldn't be alone.

The tough thing is that he thinks he's done nothing wrong. And he thinks I'm all talk. Which to be fair, is what I have been doing in the past.

To top it all off, his mum is on her way down for the weekend. She is judgemental and critical and I'm dreading it. Fuck my luck.

[PeppermintPasty]

What does your Mum think? I think a united front is the right way to go. Enlist your Mum to chuck the manchild out. I am horrified for you that you were struggling in pregnancy and he saw you in such a state, and it still made no impact on him. I'm not confident he will change, as he's got to want to change.

[dreamingbohemian]

"It's a relief when he's gone."

Good lord, what more do you need to say? Get rid! Deep down you do NOT love him, don't worry about that.

Next time he goes off for a football thing, pack up all his stuff and leave it outside or give it to a friend. Change the locks. If he kicks off, call the police, he has no right to live there.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Kick him to the kerb.... I can never understand why anyone thinks a selfish, sexist man is going to change or improve just because of the arrival of a baby. Tell him to ship out and he can take his horrible mother with him.

[peeriebear]

You live with your mum yet he won't leave?
Pack his things while he's at work. If your mum says she wants him out, that's that. If you think he'll be aggressive, let the police know on non emergency number in advance. You CAN do this.

[daytimetv]

I've suggested a separation meditrina but he wasn't having it. Life would be a lot simpler and less stressful without him.

Peppermint...my mum is meek and doesn't like to get involved. I know she gets upset when I get upset and she proc thinks I should get rid but she wouldn't say it. She would stand by my decision 100% though.

Bohemian...you're right and I've nearly done that on a few occasions. But something always stops me. I just always think he'll get better and that if something is worth keeping, you have to work hard. But I'm not thinking in this way anymore.

[LondonNinja]

He sounds like nothing but a source of pain and distress for you. Can you see yourself sticking with someone like this for the foreseeable? Life's too short, surely?
No - you are NOT being oversensitive. I hate when bullies and pricks like this man throw it back at you by saying you are being oversensitive to their shitty behaviour. He is being undersensitive and needs to grow the hell up!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Suggesting' is the problem there. Pack his stuff, leave it on the doorstep and 'suggest' he leaves that way. It's your mother's home & he has no automatic right to be there.

[daytimetv]

Since writing the original post it has just occurred to me. I really will have to get rid aren't I?

I'm scared. I didn't want my boy to come from a broken home. I've been with him 12 years and we've been through so much together. We were so close, we were soul mates. But it was all based around going out socialising. On that that has gone, he's been stripped bare and I'm finding it hard to like him never mind love him.

I'm scared that when he leaves I'll regret it and want him back.

[foolonthehill]

you will regret it sometimes....but not what you really had together, what you should have had. To follow thru' you will have to stay in reality...not what might have been but wasn't

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I guarantee you will cycle between regretting and feeling happy if you break up with him. That's how these things always go. No relationship is all bad, you'll miss the good times, you'll wonder 'what if', you'll feel lonely from time to time etc. Other times you will feel a huge sense of relief, a weight off your shoulders, the energy that comes with being independent and not waiting for the key in the door at 5am. There are worse things for a child than to have Mum and Dad in different houses. A Dad that shows no interest in them would be high on the list.

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

What Dreaming said. And if your mum does not like getting involved, then you wait for him to leave one morning, then say to your mum 'right mum, I'm packing his bags and getting the locks changed. If he kicks off, I'll phone the police'.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

He has no legal right to live there, he's being a total arse. Living with just you mum and your baby sounds just lovely. Have you got a friend with a car or van big enough for his stuff? Pack it and drop it at his dad's/sister's/mate's house. Done.

[meditrina]

It may be better for DS to be from a broken home that in one.

Staying for the sake of the kids only works if the problems in the primary relationship are such that you can be genuinely amicable towards each other. That is pretty rare.

[dreamingbohemian]

I'm sorry but your son is already in a broken home.

You live with your mum and your partner lives like a single guy and treats you like crap.

Your son will actually live in a MORE normal home if you get rid of him. His mum (you) will be happier, he won't have a bad excuse for a dad around, he'll have a doting grandma. That sounds really lovely actually.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. My own parents are divorced and thank god, it would have been far far worse if they hadn't split up.

He is NOT your soulmate. I know, it's easy to think someone is your soulmate when life is all a big party, but a real soulmate would not be treating you this way. Your real soulmate is still out there somewhere, but you'll never meet him if you stay with this guy.

[LadyMercy]

Daytime: I'm scared that when he leaves I'll regret it and want him back

You might regret it and want him back, but hopefully you will quickly realise that it's just someone being there that your missing - not actually him. You will get over that, just like all of us have done.

[daytimetv]

I'm amazed at the response I've had no here. Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. You have confirmed what I was thinking and that I'm not over reacting. For the first time I'm actually thinking about doing this instead of just threatening him about it in the hope I scare him into changing. It doesn't work.

I feel upset and emotional and petrified but also the prospect of being on my own with my boy is liberating.

Now I just need to bite the bullet. His mother is about to ring the bell box minute now.

Should I wait until she has gone before I do it? I can hardly ask him to leave while his mum is staying for the weekend can I? If I wait until she's gone I might've lost my bottle.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If she's going to take his side then you're better off waiting until she's gone rather than risking them ganging up on you. But use the time, not to lose your bottle, but to be an observer of your own relationship. A step back, if you like.... as if you're looking at yourself through a window. Make a mental note of anything that happens that is typical of why you're so unhappy.

If you've really decided enough is enough then you can find it creates a sort of calm. Use it....