Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
What would you say is an alcoholic?(28 Posts)
Claiming to have been to AA meetings (probably only one, definitely less than you said) when alcoholism was a convenient excuse, but then later saying you realised you weren't actually an alcoholic? That can't count, surely.
Generally drinking too much could just be a general symptom of being an arse.
Money going that should have been for bills could again be twattishness or forgetfulness.
Random descriptions of weirdly specific violence against public figures is again the kind of thing a sober twat could do...
Just doing a kind of straightening things out in my head thing.
I wouldn't exactly call it an 'excuse', when alcoholism has a lot of stigma attached and is not exactly a get out of jail free card.
Need more details.
Technically an alcoholic is someone who is addicted to and dependent on alcohol in order to function. Alcohol abusers ... heavy drinkers, binge drinkers and those who have behavioural/social/health/relationship problems associated with drinking alcohol ... are much more common. Doesn't really matter what you call it ultimately. They all need to quit drinking.
Someone whose drinking is causing problems (with work, with friends, with family, with money) who has not yet chosen to stop or at least control the amount s/he drinks.
(12-step propaganda aside, some people do get previously-problematic drinking under control and can have a couple of glasses of wine at a party without going nuts and drinking the bar dry for the next month).
Drinking too much PLUS spending bill money on booze PLUS attending AA meetings (which I would think one only does if one is pretty desperate) and later claiming that one is not an alcoholic PLUS stories of violence when inebriated sounds alcoholic to me, in that the person's drinking is clearly interfering with their ability to function through life.
It sounds like you have a partner who is/was claiming to be alcoholic and you're seeing that as an excuse? A get out of jail free card?
alcoholic is someone who needs a drink in the morning to function. if someone is abusing alcohol to the point of causing health money or relationship problems that's a problem drinker. just because someone says they are not an alcoholic doesn't make it true. really what is the difference though it seems like semantics to me
All of those things youmentioned, when put together do sound like someone with an alcohol problem.
He's done the same thing with depression too. I have been seriously mentally ill, I am usually totally one for believing people, I march and write and go to service user meetings etc. I do actually think he needs to get something sorted out, but the way he does it makes me think that he doesn't believe it himself, and that he is maybe using it as he knows I am likely to be sympathetic.
Ok, so the cycle goes:
Start acting more and more like a dick. Angry outbursts, drinking too much, staying up to the early hours. Slamming doors, shouting. Posting specific descriptions of how he would like members of certain political parties to die on facebook. Flirting and cheating. Telling me what I can and can't do. Pissing in cupboards when drunk. Encouraging the children to ridicule me. Going on and on if I buy something he sees as wasteful (I must buy a new item of clothing about six times a year, if that - most of my clothes have holes in because they were bought from charity and were originally primark. The kids are home educated, and I spend about £20 a month on books and materials. I bought some of those ice grip things for my shoes as I have bad hips and we live in an area that has more snow and ice than I am used to. That kind f thing) whilst smoking 'only' 6 fags a day and getting drunk 'only' 4 or 5 times a week. I am encouraged to drink, though. Spendng that money is fine. Going 'to the shop' or 'for a quick half' for a reason I couldn't possibly question, then comng back pissed after closing time. This is apparently ok, because he says I am allowed to do the same. If I'm in, though, he doesn't see why we should both be trapped in the house...
Things come to a head one way or another. A window was smashed once. Another time I caught him sending erotic facebook messages (he had actually kissed and god knows what else with this woman, but it s the fb messages that hurt, because he could have copied and pasted them from when he was seducing me. They were very specific.)
He cries, and gives a reason. If that time it is alcohol, he will pour all booze in the house down the sink. If it is depression, he will make an emergency appointment and get a prescription for anti depressants. He has also given reasons like his parents being old (they are in their 60s with no serious health issues) or being upset about his last marriage breaking down and how badly he treated his ex wife. He always says how he is an awful man and somehow it turns into me telling him that he isn't.
Short time of him being lovely. Flowers, random declarations of love, no drinking, etc.
Pretty normal life with ups and downs.
Then gradually back to being an arse.
Being powerless over alcohol.
It is absolutely not someone who needs a drink in the morning. It is not about quantities or when you drink but what it does to you.a
sounds like a combination of alcoholic and complete dick to me sorry. regardless of the
excuses reasons he is abusing you. emotionally and financially
Read ' more about alcoholism '
Chapter 3 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You can view it free on their site.
I should add, his last wife had her brother chuck him out of the house SEVEN YEARS AGO. Usually the story is that her entire family victimised and bullied him (it is really complex and identifying, but they are posh and he isn't) but every now and again it turns into how he is just a weak man who couldn't cope with the pressure and so acted like a dick.
See, I don't think he is powerless. I've been being supportive, but he can quit when it suits him. When he was telling me he was going to AA, I once used the computer after he said he was searching for a meeting as the kids were annoying him and making him want a drink. I found a google search for lapdancing bars in our local area.
He said he was just curious if there are any. The city is famous for stag and hen nights.
just because he can stop sometimes doesn't mean he doesn't have a drink problem. my ex was like that he could stop for days or weeks sometimes but then 1drink would lead to another and another until pub closes and in he would come drunk as a skunk. its still a problem. what are you getting at exactly? you don't think he has a drink problem? good for him but you can still tick off liar cheat irresponsible dickhead
He's actually in a nice phase atm, but for some reason my blinkers are still off. When I try and tell him I want to leave, I never can. I love him, I really want it to work. We have good times.
But recently other circumstances have meant I've been apart from him bt with the kids for a few days at a time, and, well, it's fine. It's more than fine. When the kids misbehave, I just need to deal with them and not hs reaction to them. I am actually capable of cooking nice food. I am actually tied to the house in the evening, but I can invite my friends round without stressing about what mood he will be in. I can watch things like QI without him talking over it and having to seem fascinated at him telling me the fact before Stephen Fry does (on a repeat)
I dunno. When I talk to people, they focus on the drinking, and start reeling off 'facts' about alcoholics - they feel no remorse, you always need to hide your purse, they have no other interests, etc, and I feel like they are missing the bigger picture and giving me advice based on an alcoholic they once knew or saw on tv.
if you want it to work he needs to get serious help with his drinking which can be a long process with inevitable setbacks.i tried with my ex like you i loved him and wanted it to work. in the end i didn't love him and i wanted a healthy environment for my ds more that i wanted it to work. seems like a lot of other things going on aswel
as in even if he stops drinking he might still be a dick. sounds like that is the case to me
Many of the behaviours you're referring to are alcoholic behaviours. Many are not. Whether or not he stopped drinking might make a difference to whether he reels home after closing, experiencing massive mood swings and pissing in cupboards. It won't make a difference to the fact that he dictates what you spend to the point where you have holes in your clothes (financial abuse), encourages your children to ridicule you (emotional abuse), smashes windows and slams doors and shouts (physical abuse) and cheats on you.
In short: this is a no good man and even if he could give up drinking, which he's not actually willing to do for longer than it takes to win you back, he's going to stay a no good man. Think of what example this is setting for your children, what it's teaching them about relationships and love?
Again... it really doesn't matter what you call it, the only thing that matters is do you want to live with it? If the answer is 'no' then LTB. If you stick around, it can't be that bad really.
He may or may not be an alcoholic. He may or may not be depressed.
He is definitely abusive, in many ways. He is also aware of the effect he is having on you, and he is not willing to change.
I think you should ltb, at least temporarily. And not return until/unless he shows a long-term willingness to seek help, follow advice and actually change his behaviour. My guess is that he won't choose to do that.
His behaviour is absolutely dreadful, and he has probably cheated on you? Whatever is wrong with him, he is not behaving in a way any woman should accept and put up with.
Go to alanon family groups. It will help you decide if his drinking is a problem for you, what you find unacceptable and what if anything you want to do about it.
Only you can decide what is acceptable for you.
Good luck xx
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.