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Question about emotional abuse

(12 Posts)
Tiggy114 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:44:06

5 years ago i had a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner who would put me down and call me swear names infront of family as well as many other upsetting things. Even though i have moved on and have a lovely dp and a new baby, this abuse still upsets me even now. When i think, until i met my DP, i continuously made bad choices in men who were nasty toeards me. I have been googling and i saw a list of 10 things that mean your partner is abusive.
The surprise was that i realised my father, who i have a very strained relationship with, also fits this list! I find it difficult to believe my father is emotionally abussive to me as well. But the fact remains that i crave for him to say something nice to me. He cOnstantly tells me how dissapointed he is in me. I quote: " your a rubbish mother, a rubbish career woman and a rubbish wife. What are you good for?" my whole life is based around making my dad happy. I even Persuaded DH to buy a house near my parents to keep them happy! Is it possible my choice of abussive partner is bevause of my abussive father?
Can you get councilling on the nhs??? Lol
Anyone have any experience with this? I'm trying to unravel it all. I have terrible confidence issues and a need to make my father happy dominates most decisions i make if i'm honest.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 30-Jan-13 19:51:02

Hi Tiggy - your discovery is perfectly normal. Well done on identifying the pattern! Being raised by your father will have trained you to accept abusive partners in your adult life.

Yes, you can ask your GP to refer you for counseling. It's great that you are thinking of therapy: it really is the best way to process all the emotions that arise from something like having an abusive parent, and to move on from it.

The "Stately Homes" thread on this board is for those of us who have discovered we have abusive/dysfunctional families of origin, and are getting to grips with it.

You might also sign up for the Freedom Programme in your area: it's to deal with the aftermath of partner abuse, which might still be useful for you if you haven't had any counseling yet.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 19:55:21

You can get counselling on the NHS if you are referred by your GP. There's also the very good 'Freedom' Programme. But I think you've basically twigged what's been going on... i.e your role model for 'male love' growing up was a very poor one, your definition of normal behaviour was skewed, and it meant you didn't immediately realise subsequent men in your life were behaving badly. Not your fault, of course. But the positive thing to take from this is that you've learned from your experience, rejected abusive behaviour and you're now with a decent man.

I think to totally drive a stake through the heart of emotional abuse your final challenge is to stand up to your Dad, stop seeking his approval and tell him to piss off with the shitty comments.... as bluntly as that. Good luck

Tiggy114 Wed 30-Jan-13 20:09:39

Thanks guys. I think the hardest thing is accepting that verbal abuse can affect me so much. You hear of women getting beat around but thats not me. I've never been hit. So i find it hard to accept that i'm a victim. I think i will try to ssee the gp

DeckSwabber Wed 30-Jan-13 20:35:39

When you are growing up you learn 'normal' behaviour from your parents and other influences.

If your parents treat you in an abnormal way, you won't always notice the same fault in others because it seems entirely normal to you. So it is well worth getting some counselling to explore this and help you to avoid walking into another unhealthy relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 09:47:47

You don't actually have to define yourself as a victim. Victim is rather a loaded word, negative and passive at the same time. Survivor is more accurate. You have suffered verbal and emotional abuse growing and there was a legacy from that but .... always looking for the positive .... you've moved on from it and you're a different person now. 'Shit happens' but what defines us as individuals is whether we let it drag us down or use it to make ourselves stronger. I'd say you'd gone for the latter.

Tiggy114 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:33:17

Thanks cogito. I like the word survivor. I have taken the step of booking a GP appointment and the woman on the reception was lovely and very caring. I felt stupid for asking her if i can see a councillor and she took me seriously and was very sympathetic. Theres still that thing in the backnof my mind that says stop being daft and just suck it up, you don't need the doctors.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 10:51:14

You feel like that because you are a resilient and strong person. You're a 'coper'. It's a good thing, by and large, but can also meant that you stick with things like bad relationships because you think you should be able to deal with it, rather than saying 'enough' and walking away. I think you'll get quite a lot out of counselling because it'll give you chance to articulate things and understand yourself better. Learning opportunity.

Toxic Parents book

How utterly awful of your dad. Have you thought about cutting contact?

Tiggy114 Thu 31-Jan-13 12:29:19

Will look at the book. Thanks. I can't cut ties because they're very attached to my children. My son has SEN and would be distraught at not seeing them. So i need to rise above it instead and not let it bother me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jan-13 12:38:35

" your a rubbish mother, a rubbish career woman and a rubbish wife. What are you good for?"

Sadly, I don't think you can take that kind of attack and expect to rise above it. Great that you don't want to cut ties but I think the power-balance has to shift considerably away from your father if you are to make progress as an individual. Challenge him if it happens again. Very important.

Yes indeedy ^ ^ ^

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