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needhandholding

(22 Posts)
pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 15:25:42

im just having a rough time right now. i am very tired at the minute due to my daughter's teething at night, she is nearly 2. my husband and i are separated, dd used to be in nursery and had to recently leave it. my husband went to see the nursery as he did the final pick up... when i called in today to say proper goodbyes, i asked for her artwork (they collect a scrap book over years she has been there of all her art stuff), and they said they gave it to him. this was 2 weeks ago, he gave me the other stuff from the nursery, but left this out of the bag. he never mentioned it to me. i asked him about it today and he said he is entitled to keep things too. this is coming from someone who will not keep dd overnight, nor any of her toys, nor any extra clothes for her in his house. im her primary carer... i feel so so upset about this. this is the first art things she has ever done and such a keepsake. and he wasn't even going to show me... he says he will bring it to show me next time he picks her up. i just can't stop crying. its this as well as lack of sleep as well as the fact he pays nothing and is so selfish about everything. i wish i could heal from everything, but i feel like he keeps hurting me over and over again.

bongobaby Wed 30-Jan-13 15:49:39

Sorry you are feeling like this. He is for whatever reason trying to punish you. But doing it with your daughter,s nursery work is a pretty low blow and sad on his part. It is a form of control over you and your emotions I know its hard but don,t ask him for it again. Just leave it because he knows what it means to you and takes pleasure that he is with holding it from you. Detach from him. My exp used to do this to me and in the end i just thought to myself your a prick get on with it.

clam Wed 30-Jan-13 15:55:00

How horrid.
If he really won't give you the artwork, could you perhaps photograph it close up when he shows it to you?

Also, set the CSA on the fucker. He shouldn't be able to get away with paying nothing towards his DD's upkeep. Don't consult him about it, just do it - he's already shown that he's an arsehole who likes to cause you distress.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 15:58:13

You know what....forget the artwork. He's only keeping it because you've asked about it and it's a way to bully you. Drop the subject, get your DD to make you some lovely new pictures, and he will give them back.... guaranteed.

bongobaby Wed 30-Jan-13 16:03:53

yes a mind/game playing bully. stick all of your daughters new pictures done with you all over your walls at home.

Cailinsalach Wed 30-Jan-13 16:04:58

I agree with Cogito. Don't empower him. Don't give him ammunition. He has a few pictures, you have your child.

Is there anyone in RL who can have her overnight to give you a rest? You sound exhausted. (hugs)

Doha Wed 30-Jan-13 16:06:18

CSA--now make the fucker pay for his responsibilities

Start your own scrapbook for your DD, it will be fun to do together, share nothing with him. Try and keep handovers brief and don't engage in any conversation other than anything regarding DD.
Whatever you do do not rise to him or show any emotion, he will feed of that and use it to control you.
Do you have regular access in place, if not get some routine in place so that you know what you are doing as regards DD on a weekly basis. If needed get legal advice.

getoffthecoffeetable Wed 30-Jan-13 16:11:29

Fwiw I agree with Cognito too.
I bet you can do some fantastic artwork together and it'll be more special because you 'll remember doing them together and you'll be able to tell her when she 's older how she loved painting her hands to do handprints etc

sparklyjumper Wed 30-Jan-13 16:46:16

Oh what a tosser, my ex took some of ds first photos and his hospital band out of my house without my knowledge and I've never had them back.

Sounds as though he's playing power games. You've got to act as though you don't care even though you do, be cold and clinical with him, speak as little as possible. Don't let him talk you in circles or be drawn into any arguements with him. Easier said than done I know.

And as others have said, you have dd with you, you can make another lovely scrapbook.

pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 17:33:35

thats awful sparkly. its these small sentimental things that really do affect you, and actually every time he hurts me in small ways like this it just makes me want to get a divorce. we are about to start mediation, and we were going to work on things, but i really haven't been feeling like its going to work in any shape or form.

that is a lovely idea, to start making our own art and putting it up in our house, great idea. everything seems worse also with lack of sleep. thank you for the support, was all ready to hear that iabu!

Lovingfreedom Wed 30-Jan-13 17:44:38

Yeah....tbh he sounds like a nightmare. I'd forget mediation if I were you. It will only involve you compromising. Get a good lawyer and get on with it that way. Good advice yo get yr DD to do some new art work for you. Don't let the bastard have the pleasure of seeing you upset over this. He prob couldn't give a shit other than in so far as it upsetting you. Couple of good pics which you can get framed are nicer to keep than a big pile of random stuff anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 30-Jan-13 17:46:25

Then you've got something positive out of this experience. You've learned that he is petty, selfish and prepared to push emotional buttons to score points. This may be the spur you need to end it....

akaemmafrost Wed 30-Jan-13 17:48:23

That's a good idea clam. I save all dc's art stuff like that or we'd be swimming in it.

OP he's a knob and as others have said its all about controlling you and imposing on your life still. Designed to let you know how much influence he still has over you via your daughter. Ex used to come to see kids and open any mail that was addressed to "parents of" or Mr and Mrs "Horrible Ex", which of course he is legally entitled to do but as all this correspondence was school stuff or SN stuff (both my dc have autism so LOTS of appointments) which I dealt with alone as he couldn't be arsed. He certainly never bothered when we were together, just tossed them on the side for the Maid Of All Work (Emma) to deal with.

Take the photo then talk about how lovely the picture is. Don't let him see it bothers you. Hard as it is. He will continue to do this kind of thing if he sees it bothers you.

DeckSwabber Wed 30-Jan-13 17:58:41

I think feelings are inevitably high - you are exhausted, he is missing his daughter, angry, who knows.

Its upsetting but try to stay calm and try not to escalate the situation. There will be loads more pictures before you are done.

- start your own scrapbook
- ask daughter to do a drawing for daddy and make sure he gets it. He will soon see that this is the better way.

When I split, all our photos were in print as we didn't have a digital camera. I went through the photos and made my ex a photo album so that he had his bit of history. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done but it felt good when I handed it over.

(It didn't really work - he was a complete sh*t anyway and did things like hang on to school reports when I had given him the to read [cue - no more school reports sent his way], but at least I know I tried.)

pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 18:02:37

yeh i will say that i will take it while he has dd to look at it, and he can have it back after, i really don't think he'll object to that. if that is ok then ill take photos of all the pages so at least i have them.. i know it sounds stupid, but they are special to me. and im getting started on her own art stuff asap, i can't believe i hadn't thought of doing my own stuff with her. its like so obvious! its something nice for me to look forward to now.

i will go to mediation and make it clear its for sorting out contact only and stuff to do with dd only. i am feeling like i will file for a divorce.. but i can't afford a lawyer and all that. i have a solicitor who says i can file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, but im a bit afraid of the consequences of doing that. it will be a year this summer, if i could wait for another year, then i will be able to easily get a divorce won't i? then i will be in a sure position to know its exactly what i want.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 18:28:07

Don't bank on being able to easily divorce in another year's time.

You can divorce on the grounds of 2 years' separation but only by mutual consent and you'll be stuffed if he doesn't agree.

If you have a low income you may be entitled to legal aid now, but the rules are changing and after the end of March there will be no legal aid for divorce/family court proceedings.

As you have a solicitor I would suggest you discuss this with her/him as, from what you have said about your h, it would seem you're best advised to institute divorce proceedings on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour before the rules change.

It could be your h is aware of the forthcoming changes and knows that you'll be at a disadvantage with regard to lack of legal aid entitlement. The bottom line is that if he's got the werewithal he'll be able to divorce you and, if you haven't got several grand (or more) spare, you won't have the benefit of legal advice.

Any mediation you have planned won't necessarily be affected as couples are encouraged to attend these sessions as part of the divorce process.

Look at it this way; you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by instructing your solicitor to file your petition to divorce now - and you can elect to remarry the twat your exh in the unlikely event that he changes his ways.

pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 18:45:21

goodness me i had no idea about the changes. or that it was only by mutual consent after 2 years.

lots of food for thought here... but march doesn't give too much time to think about it all.

TisILeclerc Wed 30-Jan-13 18:52:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 19:10:24

i am sorry you are going through this too Tis. it is so hard having a young dc who doesn't sleep and also going through relationships stress, even though you are separated... its really tough isn't it!

if you file before end of March does that mean you won't have to pay even though proceedings wil be taking place long after march? (stupid q)

i will think about it. i just don't want to make hasty decisions that i will regret. he hasn't changed so far... but i am thinking if i give him enough time, and his own personal circumstances become less stressful, maybe he will change. i want to have done everything that i could have to save our marriage. but on the otherhand i don't want to sit around waiting for him to change either. its all so hard.

Doha Wed 30-Jan-13 19:25:39

Don't hold your breath please waiting for him to change, l fear you will be waiting fir a long time in vain.
If he was seriously wanting you to get back together he would be moving hell and earth to change...he hasn't done that and his current behavior alone speaks volumes

pleasewhattodo Wed 30-Jan-13 19:53:09

yeah i have just read back through the records of his behaviour since we separated and it hasn't been good. also, he has continually put his work and study before us... he said he didn't have time to work on our relationship. surely, he would have found a bit of time and effort no matter how busy he was, if we were that important to him? he also said he reacted badly because he was hurt and angry due to the separation. still, these are crap excuses to further damage the relationship, or to refrain from trying to do everything in his power to make it work. i wish i didn't have to make this decision. i wish he would just have an affair, i am serious.

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