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Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

pictish Wed 30-Jan-13 08:18:28

What Petite said there.
Let's support rather than accuse.

SizzleSazz Wed 30-Jan-13 08:19:37

I agree with Pictish and Petite.

Please can people change this into a 'how to extricate yourself from this ASAP' rather than shouting at her.

OP - I am very sad for all your family but you WILL get through it and live a calm and happy life which you and your DC deserve smile

I'm afraid I have no practical advice for next steps but others will. I'm just here to support you to stay strong.

Punching?

He punched your little boy?

Get help, as fast as you can, to put a stop to this now.

Please, you need to make sure this never happens to your poor boy again.

DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

This says it. Right here. Your H thinks he's right to behave like this to your son. You know you can't change your H's mind.

Therefore it is now time to take action and report this. You have to save your child. ABOVE ALL ELSE.

You need professional help here. You know that it has to stop. Your DS needs to see you taking steps to protect him and his siblings.

I think you have to bite the bullet an phone social services yourself and tell them that your husband is abusing your children. They will want to help you to protect your children. Your DS doesn't have to disclose it at school; you can do it for him. And by disclosing it to them yourself, then you start to distance yourself from your DH in their eyes. They can see you as part of the solution, not the problem. Yes, they're going to pick your life apart but that's inevitable now. But you can work with them (rather than seeing them as the enemy).

If that seems too much for you (or you're worried that your DH will know you did it), then go to/phone the school and speak to whoever is in charge of safeguarding about it. They'll investigate and take everything through the proper channels. Your DH need never know that it didn't just come out at school.

Do it today. And also call women's aid if you're afraid for yourself. As soon as possible, gather together all the paperwork you can (birth/marriage certificates, passports etc) and pack it into a bag with essentials for you and the kids. Be prepared to leave if necessary (ideally he should be leaving instead). It might seem utterly terrifying, but it is the best thing to do.

It doesn't matter that your DH is in the police. The police aren't going to 'protect their own' or anything else you might be worried about. In fact, his colleagues will probably be completely disgusted with him (because he definitely knows that what he's doing is wrong and illegal). Similarly, it makes no difference that your BIL is a family law specialist.

Miggsie Wed 30-Jan-13 08:33:50

I think you already know you need to leave - you are just trying to get the courage to do so.

Talk to Women's Aid, then start to get practical help from people in RL that you can trust.

HyvaPaiva Wed 30-Jan-13 08:36:07

You are weak, you are scared of the 'fall out', you cry reading this.

Your son cries because his father physically abuses him and asks you to promise you won't let it happen again . Focus on that, on him. Keep that promise. Stop placing the responsibility at your child's feet ('I hope he does report it'): this is your job, not your child's. Leave your evil, abusive bastard of a husband for the sake of your innocent children.

CalamityKate Wed 30-Jan-13 08:36:54

My eyes are prickling at the thought of your son being abused like that. I've got a son of a similar age, also with Aspergers and the knowledge of how he'd feel if anyone treated him like that, how scared and confused he'd be, is making me feel heartsick.

I'll get flamed for not being all "there there" about this but actually, fuck it. How could you go along with this?? How? How could you possibly see that happen and not be packing his bags, right now, and changing the locks?

Poor poor little boy. I hope he tells at school and someone gets him out of there.

KnockMeDown Wed 30-Jan-13 08:36:56

OP - you say your 'D'P will be fine with your 3 year old DC today. But how can you be sure that your DC will be fine?

I really hope that you have not left them alone today.

Locketjuice Wed 30-Jan-13 08:38:51

You really need to get your kids out of there!

Don't think about yourself just do it for their sake!

OpheliasWeepingWillow Wed 30-Jan-13 08:41:58

I believe you can do this OP

This isn't about you

This isn't about the fall out

This isn't about your BIL

This is about a scared little boy who needs you to be his protector

OpheliasWeepingWillow Wed 30-Jan-13 08:43:28

Is there someone who can pick up your DC today on any pretext whatsoever?

AngelWreakinHavoc Wed 30-Jan-13 08:43:42

Please get your children out of there op. I know it sound scary to pack your things and leave but you MUST.
For the sake of your dc ACT TODAY.

You will get lots of support on Mumsnet but only YOU can change this.
Please do not give this man any more chances to hurt your Children.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Wed 30-Jan-13 08:44:42

Also, by not helping your son you are being complicit in the abuse sad

Please please report back on how we can help you OP

Anniegetyourgun Wed 30-Jan-13 08:45:20

May I just add that if a part of you feels responsible for your husband, it is also best for him that this doesn't stay under wraps. For now, of course, the only important thing is keeping the children safe, but in the longer term you are doing their father no favours at all by letting him carry on in this destructive way.

It's a very fundamental conviction he has that being violent to children is OK, and nothing you can say or do stands any hope of changing him (not because you are ineffectual, but because you are his partner). He might, though, if something dreadful happens. Let that dreadful thing be discovery and fair judging by the law; not the realisation when it is too late that he has done a permanent injury to his child, or when he is old and looks at his children repeating the same pattern and is tortured with guilt.

Leverette Wed 30-Jan-13 08:49:26

I was that child too.

I only have my own family now, because everyone else knew what was going on but was too scared to act.

I can see your DH has made you scared of him, destroyed your confidence and twisted what's 'normal' for you. All I can say is please, contact social services today and let them help you. This also demonstrates to them that you are not complicit - that you are protecting your precious little boy and other DCs from this violent monster in your home.

Let us help you keep strong x

I'd add that contacting social services is possibly a better plan than just leaving as if it's a 'normal' break up. The issue here is that your children are absolutely being abused by their father. You do not want him getting 50-50 residency or anything like that. You need all the details of this to come out and be dealt with. Your children need it too.

Please please please for the sake of those children, leave him...

Your 9 yo asked you not to let it happen again, if you don't get them away from him you can't promise him it won't.

Be strong, you can do it!

Good luck Peg

MrsWolowitzerables Wed 30-Jan-13 08:53:58

Call the police!

It doesn't matter that he is a police officer. He is abusing your children!

Call the police, report the man for his terrible behaviour and then LEAVE!

SunsetMojito Wed 30-Jan-13 08:57:28

You now know that you must leave. Well done for recognising that.

I think your DH has given you a skewed perspective on whats acceptable and what isn't. Your reality has been blurred by this man. It is in no way more acceptable to bully a child than a wife.. Don't blame yourself for not having left sooner, just acknowledge that you must now, gather together all your strength (You can do it. Your children will thank you so much in the future) and leave.

Where is a safe place to leave to? Do you have parents who could have you all? Or a friend? Or you can stay in a womens refuge. They are pleasant safe places.
Womens Aid is on 0808 2000 247. They can discuss this with you.

Good luck. I believe you can do it. I'll come back and check how you are getting on. We're here for you ((((Hugs))))

SunsetMojito Wed 30-Jan-13 08:59:26

Good advice further up the thread to speak to Social Services to ensure they know you are not complicit.

Also, you don't have do do everything here. All you have to do is tell the right people what's happening and they'll do it. Let the school/social services/the police help you and your children.

You've already told us on MN. So just do the same to one other (strategically chosen) person. Your DS's teacher will do. Things can happen today if you just get on the phone.

I think the very first step is to speak to women's aid.
And I say that because you are scared, you don't know what to do, you have no idea what will happen if you phone SS, police, school etc.

I think what you need is for someone to very calmly go through each step with you. Women's aid will not judge you, they will help you.
They will help you with the practicalities, getting a plan in place, what will the next step be, what will happen.

Once you have done that, I would suggest speaking to someone in RL to support you through each step.

Does that sound like a start? Just making a call and getting it clear in your head what the next step is?

If you do it a bit at a time, it won't be so scary.

It's fear of the unknown isn't it? You don't know what will happen. So find out, and go from there?

RibenaFiend Wed 30-Jan-13 09:03:48

I am so so upset for your son. Please OP leave this violent abusive man and don't leave your DC alone with him. All that will happen is your DC will learn this as acceptable behaviour and potentially grow up to become their father.

Please take your DS to a dr as a matter of urgency. Have the incident "recorded" by a professional who can also ensure the punches have not physically harmed him, whilst making a note of marks too. This other adult and this action may also be able to start to instil into your little boy that his father's behaviour is far from acceptable.

Please please seek help OP

Flisspaps Wed 30-Jan-13 09:03:52

He is relying on his being on the police to stop you reporting him. He has you thinking that as he's one of them, they'll support him and think you're telling lies, and will do nothing.

They'll be disgusted that he has beaten a small child.

Don't be afraid to stand up for your children AND yourself.

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