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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Issued an ultimatum - help!

37 replies

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 04:09

Have been in & out of crap relationship for a while. We had been together since 2006 in work-crazy careers, moved overseas for a sabbattical to get to know each other, started arguing, separated last September, had got back to seeing each other over Christmas, thought things were back on track, we both wanted to make it work... and things fell apart slightly last week after an argument about him finding someone else's wife attractive because she is fit, confident, happy, proactive and accomplished....(she is very attractive, but this was as opposed to me).

This week I have been offered a job in France. Despite not wanting to leave, and despite not actually wanting the job in France, I said I am leaving, and if you want me to stay, here is what is going to have to change:

DP takes very little responsibility for stuff like housework, and is disengaged from me unless i push him into doing things (and yet, wants to be in a relationship with me).

DP's priority is work and his family, over all else. We do not take holidays together because he will not take leave other than to visit his family, who dislike me.

We are neither married nor in a legally recognised relationship, because he will not discuss things like being each other's next of kin, wills, etc. and keeps putting "if X then maybe next year" obstacles in the way of marriage. Most people we know have got together, got married, bought houses and had one or more children (some of whom are now up to starting school), since we have been together. I am not throwing away my financial autonomy (as well as a job offer) if we cannot sort this out.

I have heard nothing from him since this morning. Normally we would be in contact a lot through the day.

OP posts:

Report

DharmaBumpkin · 30/01/2013 04:21

Sounds like you need to leave the relationship, whether you take the job or not.

Relationships are hard work. Staying in a crap one is soul-destroying & hard work... That's not a worthwhile combination!

Break up, and cut contact to give your heart time to catch up with your head.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 04:26

You said it, honey. You've got a crap relationship with a manchild who's still attached to his dm's boob the bosom of his family.

If he falls to his knees and proposes tells you he's going to change his ways, tell him your ultimatum was time limited and his time's run out.

Take the job in France and start having the time of your life

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 04:26

You have been together for 7 years and he doesn't want to marry you, commit, holiday with you or pull his weight. He also compares you unfavourably with other women. His family dislike you.

Please tell me he looks like George Clooney, is fabulous in bed and buys you diamonds every Tuesday, just because... Screw that, even if he did, it's still not enough. Leave, don't look back and see how much happier you are.

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 04:30

Yep. I know you're right. Arggh.

OP posts:

jynier · 30/01/2013 04:36

Anna1976- It all sounds very negative, especially as your DP will not discuss next-of-kin/will issues after 7 years together. Huge red flag! Sorry.

Possible OW?

Best wishes

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 04:43

The OW in this particular relationship is his work. Or possibly his entire family.

Honestly - girlfriend [me] says: let's go walking in the Himalaya in June.
Him: oh i think I'll be too busy going to a conference and collaborating at that time. But it would be nice to have a city break and see our families. How about June?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 04:45

Go on your own and meet a delicious, like-minded, mountain walking Adonis. He will be all tanned and lovely with nice calves (from all the walking) and won't be a sad, non-committal Mummy's boy.

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 04:58

Should have researched the appropriate times (not June- monsoon season!) better, and need to think about how this fits with France job. But yes MrsTerryPratchett you do make semse

OP posts:

wheniwasyourage · 30/01/2013 04:59

Hi. I am totally new to this. I am very angry, sad and lonely as have found out again that DP has a horrific addiction to porn and prostitutes. I really need support and understanding.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 05:09

Hi wheniwasyourage. You need to start your own thread in the Relationships topic. Just go to the bit that says something like "Start a new thread in this topic" (may not be the wording...). Then you can ask for some support. People on Relationships are great and you will get advice from people who have walked in our shoes.

Would you like me to report your post? Then MNHQ can take it off this thread.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 05:09

Use 'Start new thread in this topic' (under Topics >> Relationships top right) to create your own post, wheniwasyourage.

This board frequently has posts from those who feel as you do because they're living with twunts who can't keep their flies zipped and the advice given is invariably one and the same as that given to Anna, namely 'leave the bastard' and start living the life you deserve to have, rather than stay in a half- life some twat has reduced you to.

Life's too bloody short to squander it on the tossers and wankers of this world.

jynier · 30/01/2013 05:10

Anna1976 - I hope that you will receive positive advice from very experienced MN's later on today! In my humble opionion, this is screaming OW!!! Sorry.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 05:13

Mmm, I'm not convinced there is an ow at the present time, jynier, but he's certainly thinking about it.

There some gorgeous specimens of Gallic charm across the channel, Anna. Don't pass up the opportunity to get to know a lot some of them

wheniwasyourage · 30/01/2013 05:14

Thank you all. I did post in relationships asking for support but nothing happened. OW?

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 05:23

I'm guessing the reason you didn't any response is because the title of the post you created on Monday is somewhat confusing - I read it as being 'partner of sex addict supports (one of the) Manchester football clubs'

I suggest you post again with the title 'DP addicted to porn and prostitutes' with a brief synopsis of how his alleged 'addiction' is making you feel.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 05:26

So, Anna, all these asides aside, when are you going to cut this twat out of your life your losses and move on?

There really is nothing to be gained from flogging a dead relationship - unless you put him on eBay and flog him to some other mug

IDontDoIroning · 30/01/2013 05:28

Definitely leave the relationship, if you want happy fulfilling relationship with all the usual trappings ie children- its not going to be with him.
I would also go to France if only to make the break and help you to move on. It a great opportunity and could be a fab experience.

riveroise · 30/01/2013 05:28

I looked up an earlier post of yours.... and I see that you gave up work and moved to New Zealand because of his sabbattical... his family were critical of you as you were unemployed...

Now you have been offered a job in France What's stopping you? You've followed him around, why don't you go and do something for you.

Plenty of walking in the alps, massif central, pyrenees or pop over the border and go walking in Spain, Switzerland, Italy, Germany etc etc.

Even after 7 years togther, he didn't/doesn't consider you as his next of kin. I think this says it all.

izzyizin · 30/01/2013 05:34

Now rivroise has mentioned it I can recall your earlier thread, Anna. There's not a lot for you in NZ is there?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 07:06

Drop him a copy of 'A Christmas Carol' when you leave, won't you? It'll probably go right over his head but the part where Ebeneezer loses the fair Belle because he's too wrapped up in money seems particularly apt. Good luck with the rest of your life....

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 07:07

Yep. Liking the thought of french food, and access to music festivals of the sort i like, and walking in the alps/ pyrenees, and good trains...

This discussion may be easier than I had thought. It may not actually be held at all... so far we've agreed it would be a good idea to have the conversation, but he has continued to talk about work....

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 07:13

He's not bothered, is he? Far happier being a single man until the day comes when he finds some 1950's throwback of a woman that doesn't mind running around after him and thinking he's marvellous....

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Lueji · 30/01/2013 07:18

France sounds good to me.

Why were you offered the job? Did you apply?

Come back to euope and have babies with a lovely frenchman. Preferably away from your field.

Anna1976 · 30/01/2013 08:38

I applied for a job in the research field I had worked in, with people I used to collaborate with. Hadn't expected to get it...

OP posts:

DeckSwabber · 30/01/2013 09:05

It sounds to me as if he is marking time with you until the love of his life comes along. He is comfortable with you as far as it goes, but won't make room for you as a full partner because in his mind that post is vacant.

I think you've done the right thing - if he shows that he is prepared to make a commitment you can always come back or he can come and live with you in France.

Flip

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