Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dilemma - report to police or not.

(115 Posts)
findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:14:34

Posted in Chat before, as I wanted it to disappear, but two weeks on I'm a bit better and would like honest opinions.

I split up with OH of 3 years before Christmas. There was an OW, who moved in as I moved out.

Due to the nature of both my job and his, our paths are inevitably going to cross, unless I considerably change my lifestyle and career path.

After moving out on the 13th of December, and subsequently finding out about OW I was in a bit of a mess. However, I picked myself up and began a freelance business related to what XOH and I did.

Two weeks ago I got a job that involved going onto a property that OH owned. In the interest of being a grown up, and also knowing that if OH chose he could have taken the job on himself I rang him and a) asked his permission to be on his property and b) explained to him what I'd be doing.

At this point I assumed I'd be dealing with a rational person. I was quite wrong. When I arrived on the property, before anyone could see me arrive he came across the yard, caught me by the hair and dragged me into a shed, where he fondled my breasts while watching out of the window in case anyone was watching.

I was asking him what he was doing, telling him to let me go, etc, but because he had been my best friend for 3 years I thought if I reasoned with him it would be ok. When he ascertained that there was nobody to see him, he dragged me by the hair into his house, pressed my face against the wall and told me to take my shoes off. I did, but kept saying, what are you doing, let go.

He then picked me up by the end of my plait and the back of my jeans, which hurt quite a lot, and carried me upstairs. He pinned me on the bed, and the whole time I was saying, get off, get off, and fighting, and wriggling. He had my fringe pinned to the bed, so my head was back, and was lying on my legs so couldn't move. He was trying to kiss me and to get his hands in my trousers, but didn't have enough hands to pin me down and get my clothes off. The whole time I was saying get off.

When he realised I was not giving in, several minutes later, he let me go and I ran out of the house.

There is no physical damage, no witnesses, it is my word against his. So shoulod I report?

houseelfdobby Thu 31-Jan-13 10:04:44

I am so sorry this happened to you. How are you feeling now? Try hard not to let this horrible incident affect your life more than it absolutely needs to. Don't be surprised, OTOH, if you find it affects you more than you think it should. It's very frightening to be in that kind of situation and triggers all sorts of deep emotional responses in terms of vulnerability etc. Hope you are ok!

Good luck with the police. I am sure you are doing the right thing and reckon you are very brave. Please, please make sure you are NEVER alone with this man again.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 31-Jan-13 23:00:07

im a police officer (i am for now anyway) and mosman izzy wasnt being obtuse - she is right to be fair. it does depend on who you get if you just turn up at a station and ask to see someone.

there are dedicated sex offences teams and dedicated domestic violence teams - in some regions you may need to see a uniformed bobby first but its worth asking the question, its likely that uniform would refer this to someone with specialism anyway.

And OP please do not mention the attacks on his ex.....the police will check and will see that anyway. dont mention it. it has no bearing on what you report.

mosman please dont take offence - i know what izzy meant and arguing semantics isnt helping OP.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 09:13:57

REPORT IT. If anything else happens with another woman (and is closer to, or full on rape) then your report could be the difference between having him convicted or not. It's worth it just in case isn't it? Sorry to hear something so unexpected and nasty happened to you. It's irritating that people don't often realise how violated you can feel after even a minor incident like this, when someone's invaded your personal space without your consent. Hope you're ok x

LittleChimneyDroppings Fri 01-Feb-13 09:29:45

I'm sorry this has happened op. Izzy has a good point re contacting the sex crimes unit.

findingmymarbles Fri 01-Feb-13 19:51:30

So, yesterday I reported it at my local police station, who took an initial statement. This was more distressing than I expected to be honest. I consider myself pretty tough, and having to describe in detail what happened was actually horrendous. I am trying to look at it as just something to get over and done with.

It was logged as an incident, and then referred to the local Rape Unit (I think that's what its called?). Today I went to meet the specially trained policewoman who will be taking my video evidence next week. She was AMAZING. She then gave me a proper idea of what will happen at each stage, and she says there is definitely enough evidence to arrest him, and while there are no witnesses to the actual assault, there is someone who saw me seconds afterwards.

The video evidence is the last time I will have to tell the story from start to finish. Nothing may come of it, but at the very least he will be arrested and questioned. So, that's it really. Now I just see what happens.

Well done OP. You've done a really good and important thing. I'm glad the specialist is good and trustworthy and gives you confidence.

For what it's worth, if the retelling was distressing then that just emphasises what a dreadful thing it was, and therefore how worth repeating.

I hope he gets the message.

*how worth reporting

stoopid fat fingers

tribpot Fri 01-Feb-13 21:17:59

Bloody well done you. I agree with Horatia - I think it's probably good for you to repeat this story and ensure it doesn't become pent up inside you.

Well done! It's good that they are going to nick him aswell.

targaryen24 Fri 01-Feb-13 22:06:50

Just wanted to say well done! Can't have been easy. At least he won't be getting away with it without some sort of consequence, even if it's just a caution. That shouldn't of happened to you. Hope it goes well from here

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 01-Feb-13 23:35:05

yes OP because its a sexual assault you can give evidence in chief on video and hopefully if it gets to court you will be given special measures so ensure you dont have to face him.

i suspected it would be referred to the sexual offences team anyway. Thats what i do if i get anything remotely similar - refer it to the real experts!

you did well. Giving a statement by video is standard for sexual assaults.

NettleTea Sat 02-Feb-13 00:17:25

thats fantastic. If anything it will demonstrate that you are not afraid to go and report him if he tries anything again.
and if they arrest him it may be that they have a word that they are getting quite a file on him, which might make him think twice

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 02-Feb-13 00:27:08

Well done OP, even if nothing comes of it, it is on file now and all these incidents could build up into a prosecutable picture.

Well done Op.

We believe you.

I have conducted video interviews and also managed the team who do them. They are all high,y trained and empathetic. It will be a very emotional experience for you but as you say the idea is that you won't have to repeat your attack over and over again- the video can be played.

Hope it goes ok

constantnamechanger Sat 02-Feb-13 00:37:34

I absolutely believe you - I really do, but based on experience, personally, I would never go to court. I wish I could say differently.

Well done for reporting him, I think the fuller a picture the police have the better so they now know about him.

I hope you can find some peace.

Thumbwitch Sat 02-Feb-13 11:32:11

Fantastically well done of you, OP - and I hope that having to re-tell your story has proved somewhat cathartic, because even though you appeared to be coping remarkably well with what happened, there was the possibility that you had just buried it and it could have come back to haunt you. As it is, that's less likely now.

Glad the specialist unit have been so good and I hope your video-statement isn't too traumatic - and I'm SO glad the Police are going to arrest him, even if nothing does come of it, at least it'll put the wind up the evil shit.

Flisspaps Sat 02-Feb-13 11:33:34

Well done OP.

Lueji Sat 02-Feb-13 11:38:19

Congratulations on reporting him.
At the very least you have good justification for keeping him at a distance, and, together with other reports from ex, it may put him on the police map, even if it doesn't lead to a conviction.

houseelfdobby Sat 02-Feb-13 18:52:31

Well done, sweetie. Please don't worry if it takes you a while to get over the whole incident. It does not mean you are "not tough" or are abnormal in some way. To be at another human being's mercy for a period of time (no matter how short) when they are of malevolent intent is indeed terrifying and life changing.

You may well have helped prevent this, or worse, from happening to others in the future. Congratulations, I am proud of you.

I am so sorry once again that this happened to you.

BerylStreep Sat 02-Feb-13 22:23:13

What a dreadful experience. I am glad to hear you have reported it.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:46:48

Well done, findingmymarbles. You are tough, you know. You've done a very difficult, but very good thing.

findingmymarbles Mon 04-Feb-13 23:19:02

Just having a wobble. I know I'm doing the right thing by going in tmrw, but I really wish I could chicken out. I know it has to be done, bit for the last few days I've been going over it in my head and the thought of saying it out loud is horrendous.

BerylStreep Mon 04-Feb-13 23:23:32

I know honey. It's horrible, but you know you are doing the right thing. Just remember how lovely and understanding the officer was.

What this guy put you through was dreadful - it was designed to make you afraid. Remember what we tell our children - stand up to bullies.

Thinking of you for tomorrow.

You have been so brave finding, it is understandable that you would be feeling daunted by relieving a very traumatic experience. You can do it and by doing so you will make yourself and other women safer. Have you got someone to take you home afterwards and stay with you?

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Tue 05-Feb-13 08:07:49

You are doing the right thing. I think you'll feel good when you've done it. Is there anyone who can go with you or at least pick you up/meet you afterwards?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now