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Don't want to upset dil

(63 Posts)
Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 16:48:35

I live on my own, and my youngest son has suggested that I move to live near to his family. I would love to do this.
however, my dil, who is very close to her mother, has always wanted her parents to live near her. they would like to do this, but due to family circumstances can't do so at the moment. They spend far more time with my sons family than I do, visiting for a few days at a time but that has been fine with me.
I appreciate that a daughters bond with her mother is extra special but I have two sons, so have never had this.
I have already said to my son, that I would have no intention of keep 'popping' round to their house.
I think this situation has caused some tension between my son and his wife which is upsetting me and has taken the shine off the idea of moving near to them. However, I feel that my dil must understand that my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them as much as her mother would like to be by her.
Any thoughts please?

diddl Fri 01-Feb-13 09:26:22

Glad you came back, OP.

Perhaps DIL is hoping that they & the business relocate nearer her parents??

Concernedmil Fri 01-Feb-13 09:22:03

I have been reading all your comments and thought it was time I can back onto the thread.
AutumnDreams Thank you for your kind words.

I would like to point out that when my son and DIL were first married , they lived for about 4 years in the town where the business is situated and where I live. We had a good relationship, and I certainly did not keep 'popping in', although I was at hand to help out in any way if they needed it. Because DIL wished to live nearer her parents, they have since moved twice in their direction, and now live approx. halfway between us.

have lots more I would like to say but finding it difficult to put into words. Will have a think about it and come back again.

diddl Fri 01-Feb-13 09:12:00

Well tbh, my husband´s parents are less important to me than my own.

I find them hard to get on with & tbh, even if they lived next door I don´t see why I should suddenly like them more or want to see them more often.

Husband & children could do as they pleased though.

I find this thread really sad. It seems that quite a few people see their husband's parents as much less important than their own. And, worse, people accept that this is OK, perfectly understandable.

Autumn Dreams I completely agree. Some of the above comments really shocked me!

bellabelly Fri 01-Feb-13 01:56:01

Haven't read all the posts but OP - you sound lovely and considerate. The fact that you are thinking about DIL's possible reservations shows that you're not likely to overstep boundaries etc etc.

My in-laws recently moved to our (small) town and I have to say that I had a few reservations about the idea (and so did they, I think) but it's been wonderful so far and I'm so pleased that they did. My Mil had a frank conversation with me about how we would have to "tread carefully" (her words, not mine) to make sure neither of us was being too full on and that in itself reassured me massively. It's lovely to see more of them, they babysit (when mutually convenient) which is incredibly welcome, they pop round (pre-arranged) to see DCs, we sometimes see them for dinner/drinks after Dcs are in bed, I never feel crowded - and i'm someone who REALLY values my privacy! I also find it very reassuring that as they get older and health issues become worse, we are on hand rather than miles away. And my DCs are much closer now to their GPs, which is lovely to see. My own parents (well, my mum really) had been making noises for a while about moving closer to us but it hasn't happened. Oh well.

So, that's just my experience BUT I suppose I'm saying that the reservations your DIL might have are perfectly normal and don't necessarily mean that she's AGAINST the idea, just that a) she might have been talking to her DH about worst case scenarios and b) DHs are often rubbish at reporting back conversations - a lot gets lost in translation, I find... think you need to have a face-to-face conversation with your DS and DIL, and then see how YOUfeel about it all.

AutumnDreams Fri 01-Feb-13 01:20:31

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours..

The OP has not been back on this thread, and quite frankly reading this arrogance, and total dismissal of her as a intelligent woman, I`m not surprised. She has handed the main running of a company that she started with her late husband, to her son. The son feels it would be a good idea, for it to be re-located to the town he lives in, and his mother move house to the same town. All perfectly acceptable thus far, if she is comfortable with this. To suggest that she needs to "get a life" is insulting. She most certainly has a life, running a business, and has stated that she would not be "popping in" to visit the DIL. To suggest that she should justify her presence by offering to babysit, and other things, whilst at the same time being told to expect nothing in return, is at best cruel, and at it`s very worst shows a total lack of respect and recognition for all that she has done for her sons, over many years, before they had partners. Some of the comments made on here are, quite frankly, insulting and hurtful, and are definitely not condusive to a possible pleasant family relationship.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 22:40:34

The OP needs to consider her quality of life outside of work and ensure this will either the remain the same or improve.

There are undercurrents of the OP being viewed as a second class citizen - having to tread carefully and make herself useful?!

I took it as a given that OP would make a life for herself in the new place; I certainly didn't make an automatic assumption she could potentially be a burden.

EggRules Thu 31-Jan-13 21:02:52

I don't think Springdivas posts are mean or selfish. I relocated to a different city and moved in with my OH and it was isolating at first. I met a lot of friends through work and now have a great social life outside of my DH and DS. The OP needs to consider how she will spend her free time out of work, especially as she gets closer to retirement and leaving the business.

I get on ok with my in laws but wouldn't want to live opposite them to recreate the Barone's in Everybody Loves Raymond.

Treat others how you want to be treated is a two way street.

Springdiva Thu 31-Jan-13 20:34:28

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post

Well, the perfect scenario is that the OP lives happily ever after near her DS and DDIL but there seem to be undercurrents in her post that this might not happen.

She needs to speak to her DIL but the fact that this isn't mentioned by her as her obvious answer suggests she is wary of how this could go.

I repeat that she should try to get a life of her own so that DDIL doesn't feel she will have a needy relative dependent on them. This is what I would do. Then I would offer babysitting or whatever to help out DS and DDIL and then you are contributing to their lives and not waiting for them to contribute to yours.

Springdiva what a mean and selfish post!

What is family for? I most certainly hope to be in a position to help, and spend time with my dps and pils as they get older.

nefertarii Thu 31-Jan-13 14:36:22

I am really confused. op have you spoke to dil if not how to you know she is bothered by this?

I assumed you had spoken to her.

TheCatIsEatingIt Thu 31-Jan-13 14:30:04

I think you need to talk to DS and DIL and sort out your expectations of each other. She might be sad that her parents are far away, but that doesn't mean she and the kids couldn't enjoy having you nearer - maybe she's worried that you're a popper-in and she likes to be prepared for visitors - that's manageable as long as you talk about it in advance.

My parents and ILs are both 10 minutes walk away, and it works really well. MIL is a popper-in, but she understands that if I'm working, I won't invite her in, and if I'm free, I will. She also understands that if we're both really busy with work, housework takes a back seat for a few days. Both sets have a key, but neither uses it to let themselves in unexpectedly.

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 14:14:06

Perhaps he also wants his mother´s opinion before he relocates the business that she works at!

HollyMadison Thu 31-Jan-13 13:43:17

Am I the only one who doesn't get why DS/DH is discussing with his mother what seems to be private conversations between him and his wife (albeit we don't know what is said)? I'd be livid if I found my DH was doing this.

I agree with others about the communication about DC's presents being with DH. Why should it be between MIL and DIL anyway? Isn't DS/DH the DC's parent too?

I've tied myself in knots with the acronyms so I'll leave now! Although if I were you OP I wouldn't start planning a move until the office relocation is actually sorted!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 31-Jan-13 13:40:32

Springdiva - who should a MIL turn to for help then, if not her own children? If you would help your own parents then why shouldn't your husband help his? Especially if they have no daughter.

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 12:51:45

Thing is, it´s not really anything to do with DIL, is it?

If the office is to be moved & it´s more convenient for OP, then why shouldn´t she move?

It will only concern DIL if OP turns up frequently expecting to be let in...

fluffyraggies Thu 31-Jan-13 11:07:03

But that's exactly it chrysanthemum. Not all of us are the same about what is a nice way to be treated IYKWIM?

For eg: i hate being 'popped in on', at home. I like my space and i like to know who's coming into it and when. An exception to this that i can foresee is my DCs, once they've left home. My door will always be open to them, and i will tell them so. My DCs, however, may well not be ok about me popping in on them. And if and when that time comes i'll respect that because the dynamics are different.

I'm not saying OP is a 'pop in'er', just using this as an example of how perfectly good intentions can go wrong.

This is why it's important for OP to talk to her DIL. It's not good to assume someone will be fine about something just because you are. Once things are discussed properly the DIL probably will start to see the good in having her MIL close by.

Communication, communication, communication smile

Ok, I realise I'm biased about this because I really love my ILs, and I'm overjoyed that they have moved to our town. But, can't the DIL see that it will be nice for her DCs to have closer access to their grandparent? For the OP to be able to go to sports day, or concerts, or just help with homework?

Most of us will be MILs at some point, and I think it's worth treating people as you would hope to be treated yourself.

fluffyraggies Wed 30-Jan-13 19:44:47

About the communicating through the DS bit: my DH does the communicating with his mum about stuff and i do any communicating with mine. It's not because we hate our MILs it's because ... well ... when his mum rings he answers and she chats to him and vice versa. If we're all face to face we all chat together. But that situation only occurs every 5 or 6 weeks. Also don't forget in OPs case she actually sees her son every day.

OP i think you're doing the right thing by treading carefully as, as reasonable or unreasonable as it may seem to some, this could indeed be a potential mine field.

Is the 'coolness' from your DIL any way related, do you think, by the amount you and your DS see of each other? (as you work in the same business). Perhaps your DIL hears allot about what you think, though your DS, or finds he relays allot of family stuff to you that she might have kept quiet about? I don't know. I'm just fishing about for things to think about re: your DS, your DIL, and you that you may not have thought of. I wouldn't worry too much about her parents moving/not moving. That's up to them.

Personally I wouldn't trust my DH (or anyone else) as a go between for my MIL and me on an issue as important and delicate as who moves where, and how i feel about my parents. He just wouldn't be able to get the nuances right i don't think. Also, if i heard through my DH that my MIL was thinking of moving close by i would expect a little face to face something from her to me to make sure i was ok with it. It's common sense MIL/DIL stuff smile

I think you need to sit down with your DIL, perhaps without your DS, and tell her how you feel, how you're are worried about how she feels, and get it all out in the open.

Springdiva Wed 30-Jan-13 19:34:35

Well, what's meant by 'near'.

I wouldn't want my mil near. The next town yes, a bus ride away, maybe, but just up the road no.

You don't say what age you are OP but if you feel you are getting older and will need help with things soon then if I was dil I would be a bit wary. This is what my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them sounds like to me.

If you are moving to reduce the commute distance to work and because the new town will provide a vibrant and exciting social life for you then move. If you are moving so that family can fill empty time then not so good. But you could say that you will be available for babysitting regularly, rather than expecting them to pop in. But you don't say what age the GCs are.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Wed 30-Jan-13 18:37:35

I also communicate with my mil through DH. I occasionally email or text direct but will often get a message back via DH which he always forgets to give me. For ages I thought she was being rude! She's not. She's a v nice woman.

I would love my pil to move closer and to see them a bit more. It's a bit one sided with DH's family, we always need to trek their way. Would be great to have people popping in and being involved. DS would love it smile

nefertarii Wed 30-Jan-13 18:15:54

I think the dil is pissed off as your son has come up with this amazing plan and spoke to you first. usually in marriages you would speak to your partner first. even if its just a 'i was thinking of relocating the business nearer home and I thought I might see if mum wanted to move closer' type conversation. not asking permission but keeping your partner upto date.

Or is it possible that since you spend % days a week with your son, its a bit much to move so you can see them on weekends too? Is it possible she thinks your relationship is a bit ott?

EggRules Wed 30-Jan-13 17:14:30

I communicate with my mil through her son. Firstly, he should take responsibility for conversations about his own child with his mum (I'm not prepared to be family PA). Secondly, he is another one that wouldn't communicate unless he took the initiative. I catch up with my own parents what's app, fb and text. I don't always have time to chat on the phone.

How do you know what the dil feels about the situation?

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