What do I do now?

[VeryLittleWonder]

Me and OH have been together for 8 years, since we were teenagers. We have a two year old son together.

We had a conversation about hypothetical cheating a few months ago, something like 'what would you do if I...' etc, and something about his face and the things he said rang alarm bells. I always know when he's lying to me. Something didn't sit right with me, I really can't explain it. I looked at him funny and he got defensive, ended the conversation. Since then, I've been bothered by it.

Two days ago, during a silly argument, I decided to bluff it out of him. I told him I'd found out what he did, and that he may as well tell me the truth. He asked what I knew, I told him I knew he cheated. A big bluff. I had no idea for sure.

He didn't deny it. In fact, we had a three hour argument/heated discussion wherein he was trying to find out exactly what I knew and about what, which confirmed my suspicions. He eventually told me that three and a half years ago, just before DS was conceived, during the time we were living apart to give me space, he trawled a website, and arranged to meet a woman to have sex.

He insists that he only went to meet her, and at the last minute, whilst in her living room, changed his mind, and went home.

Naturally, my mind is screaming bullshit. But I don't know. Not for sure. I don't believe him, how can I? And then I have moments where I do, and all the time I'm feeling shit and betrayed and regretting ever pushing to find out, because we were so happy and living our lives. And it was THREE YEARS AGO, and we were completely different back then and we weren't parents. And if I never found out we'd be exactly the same and he'd still be the man I fell in love with, and nothing would be different.

I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to talk to him. I don't know what to do.

[JammySplodger]

When you had the 'hypothetically ... ' conversation a few months ago, who started it?

I don't know how you can know if it's bullshit or the truth, but if it is the truth it sounds like he's getting very, very defensive about it. I guess you have to talk to him, figure out if he will tell you anymore details, and take it from there.

It sounds like a horrible place to be. I know what you mean about telling if your OH is fibbing though, and I'm a great believer in going with your gut on things like this, and most things in life really.

[VeryLittleWonder]

I started it. I think we were watching something and it triggered it.

I want my memory to be erased. There's no way I'll ever know. He won't tell me if he did now, not now he's seen how upset I am, and if he didn't sleep with her then he's got nothing more to say. I don't win either way.

There's no advice anyone can give me really. I'm just miserable I guess.

[izzyizin]

Was the time you were living apart to give you 'space' effectively a separation wherein neither of you knew whether your relationship would be resumed?

Or did you need physical 'space' and distance from him in order to, say, complete some studies or undertake a difficult project or similar?

[VeryLittleWonder]

I asked him to move back into his mother's house, so we could work on our relationship. At the time, we were saving to move into our own house and living with my parents in a tiny room. He was lazy, I was miserable. I thought it would fix things, and (I thought) it did. We moved into our house and conceived our baby, I was none the wiser.

He said one of the reasons he did it, was because he felt so hurt that I'd asked him to move out. We spent our weekends together, we'd travel to see eachother. We weren't broken up... At least that's not how I saw it

[BluelightsAndSirens]

I have been in this situation and we have moved forward together although it has taken time and patients.

You need to have an open discussion. With him and go from there.

I don't envy you it it is workable.

[VeryLittleWonder]

I feel so angry and sad

Maybe him moving out would be the best option.

Then again look what happened last time.

[Charbon]

When you say he trawled a website, was this woman an escort or someone on a No-Strings Attached Sex dating site?

I too think he had sex with someone else and that the alleged timing of this is rather too convenient.

But the thing that would really piss me off is all the shadow-boxing where he kept trying to find out how much you knew before admitting it in dribs and drabs. That shows that he was prepared to lie through his teeth even if what he eventually told you was the truth. A confession achieved when there is no room to hide is just a liar who was unlucky on that occasion. So what often happens is that what you're left with is the least worst version of the truth i.e. it was when we were apart and the intention was there, but I didn't follow through with it.

[AnyFucker]

I never, ever believe the ones who say they got to the point of meeting someone, getting to the point of sex, then changing their mind and going home

It is an outright lie, and disrespectful that you are expected to believe it

I think what you have to decide is whether you can move past the fact he had sex with at least one other woman when you were supposed to be "working on your relationship"

"on a break" excuses are best kept confined to the Jeremy Kyle Show, IMO

he knew full well he was cheating, and he knows it now

and now you know

what a mess

[izzyizin]

It's the usual load of old bolleaux cod, isn't it?

He didn't trawl any website any more than he 'made his excuses and left' in true late-News of the Screws journo tradition.

While you were 'working on your relationship' he met an ow down the pub or in some club, or wherever, went back to her place, and had sex with her.

What remains to be discovered is whether he had a one night stand or whether he enjoyed a longer term dalliance with her.

If he's coming clean at this late date, he won't have a problem showing you which website he bought sex from, will he?

[VeryLittleWonder]

It was Craigslist. I've asked to see the emails between him and the woman, he now knows I was bluffing. He said he used an email that he'd created at the time to hide it from me, and no longer remembers it. Convenient.

I don't think it would help me to see them anyway, so even if he's lying, I don't care much.

He's cried. He's told me he never wanted me to find out because our life has changed so much, and he didn't want to ruin things, it was a mistake, it's changed him as a person and he'll never do it again.

Blah blah blah.

Fuck men.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Erm, ok I am sympathetic to your horrible situation, but just would like to point out that when you say "fuck men", he did, allegedly, do that thing (or nearly did - ha, right!) with a woman. So this isn't really a gender thing, it's a person-with-low-morals thing.

Do you think it's true he changed for the better since then, and can you get past the cheating if he has? (Mind you by the sound of it he hasn't changed into someone honest.)

[VeryLittleWonder]

No you're right, fuck him.

I don't see how I can. I, in my infinite wisdom, asked him to describe what she looked like. I'm now the proud owner of a vivid image in my head of a caribbean woman in her twenties and my OH together.

I really need to think about something else for a while