Looks like ex is going to kick off. Again!

[Wereonourway]

Numerous threads about ex(lazy, selfish, unreasonable etc etc etc)

He has overnight access on a mon and thurs and day time access on a Sunday with ds who is 2.

Ex has shirked his responsibilities all if his life, swapped contact numerous occasions, cancelled it for social gatherings and football etc.

His mum visited at Xmas and was apparently appalled at how much I "control" the situation of contact. Btw I'd alway been flexible(far far too flexible).

Since Xmas ex has made an effort to be sober on a Sunday and to ensure he is available at times of his overnights. I went back to solicitor to formalise ones and she mentioned his bullying tactics, lack of reliability and all was well( I've not heard from a solicitor on ex's behalf btw).

Today ex texted me asking me to swap nights as he was unwell(flu, I've had it a week also). I said no, flexibility did not work. And to see how he felt nearer drop off time. Rang him just before drop off and he said he wasn't well enough to have ds. Then moaned about how he is entitled to another night in place of this one.

In saying no based on me having always worked around him (not to mention ds) and the fact this is the third time in a fortnight he has asked to swap.

An I being unreasonable?? Why am I dreading the fall out from this??

I've always always stuck to my side of agreement, ds is ready to go to ex at agreed times each week but I have simply had enough of being manipulated and controlled.

Ex has spent the last week telling me how sorry he is. How he recognises the abuse he put me though and that he will win me back. I absolutely do not want this and have told him exactly that.

We have has this cycle whereby ex clicks his fingers and demands and if I say no or disagree he throws his toys out of the pram. I'm actually proud that in getting stronger but am worried that this will look like in withholding contact or preventing his and ds's relationship.

Opinions greatly appreciated

[Xales]

You are not withholding contact. He didn't bother turning up for his schedule contact because he decided he was too unwell.

Tough shit.

Good on you for finally refusing to give in.

He is not entitled to any time with his child. His child has a right to see him. If he cannot put his child first over his social life or football that is not your fault and not your problem to sort out.

[Wereonourway]

I decided to take a stand a Xmas. He's always blamed me for his lack of time with ds yet never bothered being a dad when we were together.

If this was a one off I could handle swapping nights. But it isn't. I never ask to swap, I'm never too ill or stuck at work. I looked and looked for a job which worked around ds and at the end of last yr I found one.

I worry that it's actually having a detrimental affect on ds, he cried at each handover(although this lessened noticeably post-Xmas when ex was making a greater effort not to chop and change or cut short) and now ds won't see his dad til Thursday.

I could swap nights, it won't affect me much but he has asked 3 times in 2 weeks, we may as well be back where we were with ex telling me when it's convenient for him and we will all be back working around him.

I like to know when ds will be with him. I pack a bag for him and mentally prepare(although I know this is silly).

I'm not prepared to get back to asking how high when he tells me to jump. My life has been governed by him for years and I've had enough.

But is this selfish of me?? Is it better for ds to have flexibility and to see his dad??

I've had a reprieve from his verbals as he's been begging me to get back together, now I know he will be plotting nastiness with his family who will see this as ne exerting control and being unreasonable.

I can't win, poor ds

[caramelwaffle]

You are not witholding contact; he is not turning up.

Flexible contact works very well for ex couples who are happy, settled, moved on and amiable: you have an ex who wants to "win you back" and is "controlling".

That requires rigid structures and firms boundries unfortunately.
Good luck with everything. Lose any guilt. You sound nice and accomodating.

[caramelwaffle]

Excuse typos

[DeckSwabber]

Your child needs routine so the deal needs to be no swaps without very good reason. However, I think you should pick your battles - if he really is ill, you will appear to be the unreasonable one.

My ex- mucked about with me. Reasons have included: going to see a band, going on holiday with gf, going to friends wedding, wife's birthday, wedding anniversary, you name it. Once it was salmonella. I accepted the salmonella.

[Xales]

No it is not selfish of you as you have just posted your DS was struggling with each flexible hand over and not as bad with the set in stone ones that your ex showed for.

This proves that set dates are better for your DS.

Just keep a diary of the days he is meant to have DS and when he lets you know he isn't going to make it. Then if he decides to try and go further saying you are denying contact (without proof) you can whip out your book and say well actually you were due to see son on x, y & z but changed your mind... Hard dates and facts.

Occasionally is fine. 3 times in 2 weeks is simply your ex taking the piss.

It is also a form of control as you cannot organise other stuff in case he decides to swap days so cannot move on with your own life.

[Wereonourway]

Ironically his mum said there should be no room for flexibility as "we don't get on". This is the woman who first alerted me to her sons abusive ways and has been on the receiving end of his unreasonable behaviour many many times.

My solicitors letters had always stressed flexibility and after Xmas I went back to solicitor to put strict times in place( actually longer slightly than times he was used to having him). I arrived at my appointment to find my solicitor readings through a 9 page letter from ex stating how unreasonable I was, I was controlling and vindictive, his family had now realised "what I was like", he missed out on precious time with his son because of me etc etc.

Last week during his begging episodes I mentioned the letter, how untrue it was, how hurtful some of the points were and how I could refute everything in it with evidence(text messages/witness accounts etc). Ex actually admitted he hadn't read the letter let alone write it. His mother had written it and posted it on his behalf!

He was supposedly consulting a solicitor of his own which hasn't materialised up til now. I hate this, hate thinking and thinking about the whole crappy situation. Hate putting ds though it all and questioning my decisions. At Xmas my standing up for myself prompted the letter and I'm dreading what this will cause

[Wereonourway]

Tbh I also suspect he was out drinking last night although I cannot prove this at all. As said, I've had flu for over a week. I could understand if he was desperately ill and it hasn't happened before.

He also hasn't paid any child support since December as he cannot afford it.

I just want him to grow up, take some responsibility and be there for ds. It has shown that the rigid routine works, I've talked to ex about this and pointed it out. Just worried that all of this is going to reflect on me somehow.

I jut want to get off the merry go round now