Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have a choice, an abortion or relationship

(116 Posts)
tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:04

ok, i'm ancient, dp even more so.

i was open about wanting to have a baby and initiating unprotected sex. dp was quite clear about not wanting another baby, most of the time, but on at least one occasion he agreed that we could try. he would sometimes ask if I was fertile and if I said yes he would say no sex then, most times he wouldn't ask. I was monitoring my cycles and never lied about cycle status.

I am now pregnant and he is saying I tricked him into it. He feels abused and wants me to have an abortion. If not he wants us to split up, even though we have a toddler that he loves.
I don't accept that he was tricked, I believed that because he knew the risks he was consenting. I really don't think I'm deluding myself about this. He does.

So, I'm faced with the choice, abortion and status quo in terms of relationship and living arrangements, or continuing with the pregnancy and uprooting all of us from our house and separating existing child from father.

Can I actually terminate this pregnancy that I really wanted without going mad? Is that what I have to do?

juneau Wed 30-Jan-13 16:39:13

Partaking in unprotected sex month after month was part of that.

I'll say! But you do say you're 'old', whatever that means, so maybe he thought there wasn't a lot of chance you'd get pregnant. Either way, he's been playing with fire and he knows damn well how babies are made, so he has to take some responsibility for this situation. He can't lay it all at your door.

cafecito Wed 30-Jan-13 03:55:30

you will regret having an abortion, and having to have done that would ruin your relationship anyway. Be strong OP.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 30-Jan-13 03:49:36

he did also definitely, at least once, say out loud that we could try, and I felt he was also giving mixed messages non-verbally. Partaking in unprotected sex month after month was part of that.

I would have absolutely read that - both of those things - as him being ambivalent as well, OP. In my relationship, the rule has always been whoever is less keen on a subsequent child has responsibility for contraception. If you were genuinely always honest about when your fertile times were, when asked, then he hasn't been tricked. And you've already said that you wouldn't aim for another pregnancy if this one isn't viable.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter, what's done is done. FWIW, I don't find two children much more expensive than one, except that I pay double in childcare; if I didn't work outside the home the expense would be minimal in these early years.

Good luck at your scan.

corblimeymadam Wed 30-Jan-13 02:18:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alittlestranger Tue 29-Jan-13 23:28:45

And the OP has already clarified that she misinterpreted those apparent days when he agreed they could try... As she says, they can't communicate.

perceptionreality Tue 29-Jan-13 23:12:54

'he made it clear he didn't want another child.'

1. The OP has said that he had days where he agreed they could try for a baby.

2. If he really didn't want another child he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom.

Alittlestranger Tue 29-Jan-13 22:07:41

I'm feeling blunt so - have the baby. You clearly want the baby very badly if you were daft enough to TTC in what sounds like a crappy relationship with a man who made it clear he didn't want anymore children with you.

Ultimately the OP's DH can't complain too much and has to take responsibility for his own penis, but even from her account which is probably not identical to his he has a right to be annoyed. If the OP really is "ancient" he probably assumed the risk was low. And yes he may be an idiot about how effective the rythem method is, but he made it clear he didn't want another child.

You should think about the impact on your other child though. There is a risk he will grow up to resent this baby as the reason why mummy and daddy aren't together anymore speaking from experience.

CartedOff Tue 29-Jan-13 21:41:51

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope that you can get some help to come to a decision.

For what it's worth, I'm absolutely astonished that a man who feels so strongly about not having another child (to the point that he would split up with his partner) would have unprotected sex for months on end. That is ridiculous.

He took no responsibility for preventing pregnancy aside from asking you if you were fertile and is then angry when you get pregnant. I can't help but feel it's just plain laziness- he was happy not taking any responsibility and just coasting along assuming everything would be fine, not taking any action to prevent a pregnancy...then he gets upset when one happens. As if it were your fault alone.

It just strikes me as really unfair. He has the luxury of assuming all will be well and when it isn't then he can take up the position of wronged spouse and insist on what he wants.

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 21:01:35

Don't get involved with SPUC, they are hardly non-partisan, and if you were to have an abortion in the end, well, they are not reknowned for their tolerance under those circumstances.

You will get impartial advice from your current counsellor, Which will be the best for you and tailored to you. Likewise, if your dh goes to someone recommended by your counsellor.

FOURBOYSUNDER6 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:04:05

Also if you have an abortion against your will you will resent him forever in addition to be grief stricken and relationship could not possibly survive it ???? Be strong. Do not terminate. Get support. If he apologises and comes round then good but if not get a plan together for life without him and to be good mum to your two babies .....

FOURBOYSUNDER6 Tue 29-Jan-13 19:57:52

Terrible situation he has put you in if you look at SPUC society protection unborn child website you will find lots of advice and support .... Email fiorella Nash via the site as she is amazingly supportive to women in this situation and will help. There is a good section on post abortion and mental health to consider too.... Lets skip the euphemisms of ' termination of pregnancy '. It is killing a life and the baby is fully developed in a matter of weeks and just needs to grow ..... I might be a minority voice in the anti abortion debate but I have been faced with very similar situation so I empathise and there was no question of me considering abortion despite pressure. I now have a wonderful son who I adore. You will never regret a child no matter how hard it is but you will regret bring pressured into an abortion forever.... Maybe he will come round in time???? In my situation it was different once baby arrived .....

tuckit Tue 29-Jan-13 19:10:53

Thanks for all the comments. It's great to have so many different opinions on this miserable situation. I've got lots to think about.

I can't give details about our relationship, age or the illness for the sake of anonymity. The illnesses are not hereditary, they may or may not be deadly in years or decades. They're not especially debilitating in the meantime. There's no reason to think another baby would have any impact on any of this. I do actually think his health would be more at risk if we were to separate. We could afford to pay for enough childcare to keep his involvement minimal if that's what he wanted, but it would reduce our chances of any sort of early retirement. He could lose out a bit there I can see that, but I'm not sure how much more expensive it is to have two children rather than one.

I'm old enough to make it very unlikely that this pregnancy progresses further than first trimester anyway. I'm off to a scan tomorrow to see if there's anything with a heart beat. If they do there are of course no guarantees.

Anyway, I'm obviously not proud or happy to be in this situation. If I do lose this pregnancy I certainly won't be aiming for another. I really did think that although he did often say he definitely didn't want any more children he did also definitely, at least once, say out loud that we could try, and I felt he was also giving mixed messages non-verbally. Partaking in unprotected sex month after month was part of that. I can see now that was mostly wishful thinking. Hormones too.

I can hardly believe that he'd go through with a separation if the pregnancy does continue, but with my track record of reading him I could obviously be wrong. We have been together for ages and have been through a lot together. I would hate for DC to lose our home, but if he's sharing it with parents who have no respect for each other it might be worth the upheaval.

I am having counselling, and trying to arrange a visit to someone with DH.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 19:07:01

shock at that ^

God, they really will say anything, won't they?

perceptionreality Tue 29-Jan-13 19:02:06

'After years on these boards, I'd say 1/2 the time a man reacts violently to the news of another baby its because hes told his OW that hes in a sexless marriage.'

I knew of someone having an affair with a married man who had been told this and then the man had to explain away his wife having another baby which he attempted to do by saying that his wife had sex with him while he was asleep hmm

I hope that is not the case for the OP.

Viviennemary Tue 29-Jan-13 17:25:52

That is a dreadful situation for you. But in my opinion you should not be blackmailed into this huge decision that you might very well regret in the future. No. Make your decision on what you want to do regardless of what he says he will do. And then he makes his decision about what he wants to do. And there are no guarantees he will stay whatever you do.

toffeelolly Tue 29-Jan-13 17:17:23

would not want to be with this man if he was makeing me choose between and abortion or the relationship , if he loved you he would not make you choose if he did not want a baby he should have put something on it

HeyHoHereWeGo Tue 29-Jan-13 17:12:17

Your relationship is over if you have an abortion imo
Have the baby, maybe he'll come round, maybe he wont.

Maybe he is having an affair.
After years on these boards, I'd say 1/2 the time a man reacts violently to the news of another baby its because hes told his OW that hes in a sexless marriage.

EasilyBored Tue 29-Jan-13 17:04:41

It sounds like you've already made your choice tbh. Issuing an ultimatum is horrible, and he should have taken responsibility if he didn't want another baby BUT pressuring someone and playing with words to get what you want are pretty despicable things too.

I wouldn't stay with him but I also wouldn't stay with a partner who our pressure on me to have a baby I didn't want.

blondecat Tue 29-Jan-13 16:27:15

What an awful situation

Don't do anything you don't want to do.

What kind of a man is he to be asking you this? I really hope he will cool down enough to ask himself this

perceptionreality Tue 29-Jan-13 16:23:02

marriedinwhite - what a nauseatingly sexist approach you have; 'men are just stupid really, we can't expect them to take responsibility, poor things' hmm no wonder some don't then...

OP, I don't think you should have an abortion unless it's what you want and it sounds like you don't. I agree with others that your relationship will never be the same if you do it and is unlikely to survive it.

He needs to grow up and stop blaming you - he had the opportunity to stop a pregnancy if it was that much of a big deal for him and you have been up front with him.

5madthings Tue 29-Jan-13 16:19:46

Oh fgs if he didn't want a baby he either shouldn't have had sex or should have used a condom.

Issuing an Ultimation as he has done is vile, I could never stays with a man that did that, I just couldnt get over it and I doubt the op will either.

Jayne266 Tue 29-Jan-13 16:19:28

To be honest does it shock you the way he has acted?
As I think for myself if my DH said these things/acted like this I wouldn't want to be with him.

You have also got the question do you want more kids and he doesn't then you might be on different paths anyway.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 16:15:57

Tuck, This will sound crazy, but why not just ignore what he says, dont make a decision, force him to make it, call him on his bluff, if he wants to leave then he can go, he just wants to be able to blame you, dont let him.

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 16:09:51

I was wondering that, CheerfulYank. He isn't carrying it or giving birth...

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 15:34:02

Why would this baby kill him? confused

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now