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I have a choice, an abortion or relationship

(116 Posts)
tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:04

ok, i'm ancient, dp even more so.

i was open about wanting to have a baby and initiating unprotected sex. dp was quite clear about not wanting another baby, most of the time, but on at least one occasion he agreed that we could try. he would sometimes ask if I was fertile and if I said yes he would say no sex then, most times he wouldn't ask. I was monitoring my cycles and never lied about cycle status.

I am now pregnant and he is saying I tricked him into it. He feels abused and wants me to have an abortion. If not he wants us to split up, even though we have a toddler that he loves.
I don't accept that he was tricked, I believed that because he knew the risks he was consenting. I really don't think I'm deluding myself about this. He does.

So, I'm faced with the choice, abortion and status quo in terms of relationship and living arrangements, or continuing with the pregnancy and uprooting all of us from our house and separating existing child from father.

Can I actually terminate this pregnancy that I really wanted without going mad? Is that what I have to do?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 29-Jan-13 07:12:15

Fairly straight forward decision really.

If you want the baby, have the baby. Having an abortion is not going to save your relationship with this selfish manchild and I suspect that not being in a relationship with this manchild will be the best thing for you!

Lovingfreedom Tue 29-Jan-13 07:39:52

The other side of this is though that if you have this baby you will always have to deal with this man and so will the child. If possible it might be as well to end both relationship and the pregnancy and try to find someone who is going to be a half decent dad.

2rebecca Tue 29-Jan-13 07:59:56

I agree that having this man's child binds you to him long after the relationship has finished. Have the child if you want another child but it's doubtful a good relationship with him will last and I doubt he will just vanish from your life and there will be years of compromises ahead, presumably like with your exhusband.

Morloth Tue 29-Jan-13 08:02:01

It would be madness for an older woman who is pregnant and who wants another child to have a termination in the hope she will find a better partner to be a dad.

sunnyday123 Tue 29-Jan-13 08:09:12

Op do consider your other child. It may be that your dh is shocked and whilst he is behaving badly, he is probably angry with you and I'm sure that will pass. Personally i think the dh is getting a hard time on here for something the op has done fairly deliberately as she herself has admitted. Yes the dh should not be forcing her into an abortion but everyone seems ok with her forcing fatherhood onto him? Yes he should have insisted more on contraception but this is hardly an accident is it and the op knew all along he didnt want a child so should have prevented this situation as its her body and her choice of what to do in this now terrible situation.

If this type of ultimatum is normal controlling behaviour for him then go with the baby but don't split up your family because of your need for a second child- you have one child together who would otherwise benefit from a mum and dad together.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 29-Jan-13 08:16:28

...the op knew all along he didnt want a child so should have prevented this situation as its her body and her choice of what to do in this now terrible situation.

I get what you're saying, but your argument falls down here...

'The OP knew he didn't want a child so should have prevented this situation'.

Why is she responsible for him? Really, honestly, he should have prevented it. Not her. Him.

He's not a three year old that needs mothering. If having a child was seriously a deal-breaker for him, then he should have taken some responsibility himself, and not left something so life-changing utterly in the hands of someone else.

abbyfromoz Tue 29-Jan-13 08:19:53

As the mother of a toddler i could not consider having an abortion. Yes i admit i may have been a wife before i became a mother, but i am a mother over a wife any day! This is because adults can protect themselves, children need us to do that for them. You can disagree completely and i don't mean to offend but imo his behaviour seems extremely selfish (putting the blame on you and giving you an ultimatum) i wouldn't want a relationship with someone like that. How terribly tragic for your children sad

sunnyday123 Tue 29-Jan-13 08:21:15

Yes contraception is a two way thing but the op is not a child, she knew he didn't want a child. She did it anyway. He avoided her fertile times etc so he was open about not wanting more kids. The fact she is in this situation I think is more her fault than his. It's her body and we can go on about joint depiction etc but at the end of the day it's her that is now having to deal with it. I expect she thought he would come round. I can understand him feeling trapped.

It's all very well people saying leave him etc but they have a toddler. If he is otherwise a nice guy, this decision will split up their family so needs more consideration than "leave the guy" which many are saying.

If the op does leave purely on this choice, she is making a choice which has a massive affect on her other child. It's not inevitable that they'd split up (me and dh didn't - see my earlier post)

abbyfromoz Tue 29-Jan-13 08:33:49

Sunnyday123
The OP has said there were times when he was open to the idea- so should we assume that he was 100% against it in spite of knowing this?
I think that having another child is a HUGE decision. My husband and i both want a bigger family but until we have sorted out our relationship we won't bring another child into the world just yet (DD 21 months and has been a long and very difficult journey relationship wise). I suppose the unselfish choice is to always consider what kind of situation you are bringing a child into BEFORE getting pregnant but since its too late to consider that, and i personally could not bare the thought of abortion after seeing how bloody amazing my child is, they are both required to reconcile their own differences for the sake of this new life. It's time for him to put his new child before himself- if he loved his other child he should know how to do this!

2rebecca Tue 29-Jan-13 08:46:15

The fertile period is a rubbish method of contraception though. If they really wanted no more children then 2 intelligent adults should have put more effort into not conceiving any.
It sounds from the first line as though the OP was open about wanting another child. Asking "are you fertile at the moment" is rather pathetic if the bloke really didn't want to be a father and had had any sex education education or bothered to look up contraceptive methods.

wiltingfast Tue 29-Jan-13 08:55:32

Tbh if a man I was with put this choice to me I would consider that the relationship was in all likelihood over anyway. It is v difficult to see it surviving such a terrible choice and there is no way I'd abort a child I wanted to keep a man like that.

So base your decision on what you want to do about the baby not whether you want to keep this relationship going.

fromparistoberlin Tue 29-Jan-13 09:07:43

what pictish said sadly

I think in years to come the resentment and anger of being forced into an abotion would be hard to endure

BerylStreep Tue 29-Jan-13 10:24:57

But it's not the OP's decision to split up the family - it's the DP. He is the one issuing ultimatums, not her.

Out of interest OP, when you say you are ancient, as is your DP, who old are you both? How long have you been together. If it's not too nosey a question, how come you aren't married - did your DP not want to commit? How life threatening is your DP's illness?

Sorry for all the questions, and feel free to ignore, but I just wanted to get a feel for the wider circumstances.

This is such a sad situation, and in early pregnancy you should be taking care of yourself, not having your whole future in the balance. FWIW, I agree with those who say that if your DP is serious about this ultimatum, your relationship could never survive anyway.

CarlingBlackMabel Tue 29-Jan-13 15:14:28

News of his precarious health has made me more sympathetic to his pov. Would I wish to undermine my health and risk not being able to support my child / children? No. Would I want to have children I might then bereave? No. Would your current child rather have a Dad living throughout childhood and into early adulthood, or a sibling that might kill Dad? Probably the former. It sounds as if he takes his providing role very seriously - are you sure it is about enjoying his time?

But I have tremendous sympathy for your pov too.

expatinscotland Tue 29-Jan-13 15:29:21

This person has already made his choice: he chose to have sex with no condom and not have a vasectomy.

expatinscotland Tue 29-Jan-13 15:30:30

'It sounds as if he takes his providing role very seriously - are you sure it is about enjoying his time?'

If that were true, he'd have had a vasectomy and/or used a condom to ensure he didn't father any more children.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jan-13 15:34:02

Why would this baby kill him? confused

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 16:09:51

I was wondering that, CheerfulYank. He isn't carrying it or giving birth...

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 16:15:57

Tuck, This will sound crazy, but why not just ignore what he says, dont make a decision, force him to make it, call him on his bluff, if he wants to leave then he can go, he just wants to be able to blame you, dont let him.

Jayne266 Tue 29-Jan-13 16:19:28

To be honest does it shock you the way he has acted?
As I think for myself if my DH said these things/acted like this I wouldn't want to be with him.

You have also got the question do you want more kids and he doesn't then you might be on different paths anyway.

5madthings Tue 29-Jan-13 16:19:46

Oh fgs if he didn't want a baby he either shouldn't have had sex or should have used a condom.

Issuing an Ultimation as he has done is vile, I could never stays with a man that did that, I just couldnt get over it and I doubt the op will either.

perceptionreality Tue 29-Jan-13 16:23:02

marriedinwhite - what a nauseatingly sexist approach you have; 'men are just stupid really, we can't expect them to take responsibility, poor things' hmm no wonder some don't then...

OP, I don't think you should have an abortion unless it's what you want and it sounds like you don't. I agree with others that your relationship will never be the same if you do it and is unlikely to survive it.

He needs to grow up and stop blaming you - he had the opportunity to stop a pregnancy if it was that much of a big deal for him and you have been up front with him.

blondecat Tue 29-Jan-13 16:27:15

What an awful situation

Don't do anything you don't want to do.

What kind of a man is he to be asking you this? I really hope he will cool down enough to ask himself this

EasilyBored Tue 29-Jan-13 17:04:41

It sounds like you've already made your choice tbh. Issuing an ultimatum is horrible, and he should have taken responsibility if he didn't want another baby BUT pressuring someone and playing with words to get what you want are pretty despicable things too.

I wouldn't stay with him but I also wouldn't stay with a partner who our pressure on me to have a baby I didn't want.

HeyHoHereWeGo Tue 29-Jan-13 17:12:17

Your relationship is over if you have an abortion imo
Have the baby, maybe he'll come round, maybe he wont.

Maybe he is having an affair.
After years on these boards, I'd say 1/2 the time a man reacts violently to the news of another baby its because hes told his OW that hes in a sexless marriage.

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