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I have a choice, an abortion or relationship

(116 Posts)
tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:04

ok, i'm ancient, dp even more so.

i was open about wanting to have a baby and initiating unprotected sex. dp was quite clear about not wanting another baby, most of the time, but on at least one occasion he agreed that we could try. he would sometimes ask if I was fertile and if I said yes he would say no sex then, most times he wouldn't ask. I was monitoring my cycles and never lied about cycle status.

I am now pregnant and he is saying I tricked him into it. He feels abused and wants me to have an abortion. If not he wants us to split up, even though we have a toddler that he loves.
I don't accept that he was tricked, I believed that because he knew the risks he was consenting. I really don't think I'm deluding myself about this. He does.

So, I'm faced with the choice, abortion and status quo in terms of relationship and living arrangements, or continuing with the pregnancy and uprooting all of us from our house and separating existing child from father.

Can I actually terminate this pregnancy that I really wanted without going mad? Is that what I have to do?

peeriebear Mon 28-Jan-13 17:30:02

I've said it before- 'It's me or the baby' is an incredibly arrogant challenge to issue. What man thinks himself above the bonds of motherhood?
If you chose him, you would invariably despise him for the baby that can never come back. If you chose the baby, you'd have a baby. Your DC's sibling.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:37:31

I'd dump him op; he sounds like a tool. If you abort you'd loose all respect for him. I was in this situation and kept baby. He fucked off. Best decision I ever made and no I don't miss him. His coersion is abusive ; not your wanting to keep baby.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 17:44:57

You don't want an abortion. If he really never wanted anymore, he'd have taken the appropriate steps. He's made his choice and so have you.

izzyizin Mon 28-Jan-13 17:47:34

Was your 1st dc planned and wanted by both of you? What are his reasons for not wanting a second child?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 17:55:20

Whether you tricked him, he misled you or it was an accident doesn't matter.

You are pregnant. You want another baby. He doesn't. You will almost certainly split up either way, but maintenance will be due for both children.

What do you want to do?

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:58:18

Have the baby or don't have the baby.

But don't stay with a man who forces you to choose between him or a termination.

tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 18:04:25

thanks for all the replies. Sorry for not responding to each one in detail, but will attempt to answer most:

I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I thought his reaction was shock when I first told him, but despite being very affectionate as long as the subject isn't raised, he continues to say he wants an abortion or separation.

I definitely underestimated his desire not to have another baby and I am at fault there. My wishful thinking did turn a few statements he made into much more than they meant to him. Communication isn't great between us really. I don't think all that amounts to deceit, a bit selfish though, yes, I agree probably, in retrospect.

He feels that having another baby will seriously jeopardise his ability to do his job well and he also doesn't want the financial responsibility. He also has serious health issues which, although fine and stable atm, could reappear and make him very ill or even kill him at any point, and the knowledge of that gives him a strong desire to cling on to whatever autonomy he has to live out the rest of his life pursuing his own interests.

Those same potential health problems are actually partly why I thought it particularly important for dc1 to have a sibling. Is that madness?

Jux Mon 28-Jan-13 18:05:19

Your relationship has been irrevocably damaged already. He is trying to blame you, you say he's a responsible adult. You want the baby, he doesn't. Even if you do manage to forgive each other, neither of you will forget.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 28-Jan-13 18:08:33

He's being affectionate to try to coerce you into having an abortion; my ex tried this stunt on me. When I was 6 months gone he turned into a knob again. UUUUGGGGRRRRR; these kind of 'men' make my blood boil. If he loved you he would tell you he would support you no matter what. Why dosn't he want another baby? I would be very suspicious; sounds like he has one foot out the door anyway. Is there an OW? Sorry for you op.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 18:09:09

Eww, how can you stand him being physically affectionate after he has dropped a bombshell like this ?

Corygal Mon 28-Jan-13 18:09:10

I'd stick with the baby - he sounds like he's not that into the family thing and might slip away anyway.

Don't tell us if you don't want to, but what's wrong with his health?

superstarheartbreaker Mon 28-Jan-13 18:10:07

I mean you only have one dc so another one wouldn't be the end of the world financially would it? What are his exact reasons op? Question him on this one.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 28-Jan-13 18:12:06

Just read your post re his reasons. I think his concerns are valid but NOT the way he is dealing with them. He sounds very selfish. Once you get over the pain of lossing him you will seriously wonder what you saw in him.

InsertWittyUsername Mon 28-Jan-13 18:13:25

You made your choice between a baby and the relationship when you chose to TTC with someone who made it clear they did not want to have another baby. He is completely wrong to say you 'tricked' him and he shouldn't have had sex with you knowing what he knew, but you are being equally disingenuous. You took full responsibility for TTC in a situation where there was not a mutual desire for a child. I am not saying this to flame you or be horrible, but I also think you need to own what's happened here. I think that when someone has a pregnancy vs. relationship dilemma, they should just decide based on whether they want the baby as the relationship will probably end either way sad

InsertWittyUsername Mon 28-Jan-13 18:15:12

Sorry, cross-post. You have acknowledged all that. It is a very sad situation. I agree that you shouldn't be accused of deceit.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 28-Jan-13 18:18:09

I think the issue is that the op DID want a baby but her dh didn't INSERT. I think that so many think that the urge to have children is completely rational when of course it is not; it is a powerful biological urge for many that is hard to ignore. Obviously lecturing her on concieving is like closing the stable door when the horse has bolted.

aamia Mon 28-Jan-13 18:21:32

Sitting here with my baby on my lap, the choice would be clear to me. Human, gorgeous life vs a relationship. No contest.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 18:21:36

'but despite being very affectionate as long as the subject isn't raised, he continues to say he wants an abortion or separation.'

Typical behaviour of a manipulative twunt.

If his health problems were that severe and he really didn't want another, why didn't he have a vasetomy and use the condom?

This is over. I'd tell him and spare yourself all this stress.

InsertWittyUsername Mon 28-Jan-13 18:22:34

superstar I wasn't. I was saying that, now that it's happened, it'd be good for her not to blame him 100% (in the way he's trying to do to her). Because we are always better off when we understand our own responsibility and roles in things that happen to us. Always. Even when it's not easy.

2rebecca Mon 28-Jan-13 18:25:25

If the relationship finishes and you have the baby he still has the financial responsibility of the child via the CSA. If he really didn't want a child he should have had a vasectomy and probably then still used condoms. Contraception is his responsibility as well. One thing I am trying to impress on my son is that contraception is as much his responsibility as the woman's and if he definitely doesn't want to be a father he needs to use contraception even if she is, or preferably not do it at all if young and not in a serious relationship as condoms are unreliable and young women are unreliable at pill taking.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Jan-13 18:27:08

What expat said.

He's bullying you into doing what would be most convenient for him.

izzyizin Mon 28-Jan-13 18:48:02

Those same potential health problems are actually partly why I thought it particularly important for dc1 to have a sibling. Is that madness?

It's madness to think that siblings will necessarily become good friends and/or support each other through the inevitable (if nature takes its course) loss of their dps.

It's madness to have another dc if the 'potential health problems' can be inherited and there has been no genetic counselling before conception.

Without knowing exactly how life threatening the 'potential health' problem is, it sounds as if he's come to terms with what may be his reduced life expectancy and, in such circumstances, it's understandable that he wants to live out the remainder of his life on his terms.

He may be fearing how you would cope with 2 dc if he were to die suddenly/prematurely.

Did he actively want to have your 1st dc? Or did you talk him into it, so to speak?

To be honest, in your shoes, I would have the baby and cut my losses with him.
In 10 years, your toddler might find himself without a dad, an "elderly" mum and no sibling. You will be much older, a widow, and more than likely regret the child you aborted.

In your shoes, I would say: "Peter, I have made up my mind to keep the baby, because I cannot live with aborting a wanted child. If you can live with leaving me and the child you already have, then this is your decision and I will respect it. I interpret it that your love just isnt strong enough for all three of us". Or something to that effect.

He just isnt a good catch. If he can manipulate you like this, and perform such emotional black mail on you, with love and tenderness, blaming his poor health on living a selfish life, then, really, you have nothing to lose.

CheerfulYank Mon 28-Jan-13 18:54:50

I would personally never be able to stay with someone who forced me to have an abortion I didn't want. Things would never be the same.

juneau Mon 28-Jan-13 21:03:34

What CheerfulYank said. It takes two to make a baby. If he didn't want one and knew that you did he should've stuck a condom on his dick.

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