Am I being horrid & selfish to find her behaviour suspect?

[amibeingawitch]

I have name-changed for this, don't want to be recognised. Long story short (trying to stick to the relevant stuff):

DP and I live together, and I don't think his ex is fully over their separation (I was not involved).

As DP has told me, part of the reason they split was due to a mental health condition that she refused to have treated, and which manifested itself in breakdowns and rage, and the family having to tiptoe around her moods and needs.

I'm understanding and sympathetic towards mental illness, however, I think that she uses these 'breakdowns' to control DP.

I loathe claims that people suffering from mental issues are putting it on - but these breakdowns only occur when DP does something she doesn't like. For example, she was compos mentis and together when they had a severe trauma in the family, but will have a breakdown when DP wants to take the DC to a place she doesn't approve of (i.e. a theme park). Breakdowns involve screaming, shouting, saying she doesn't want to live, can't cope, hates the DC - she will then lock herself in her study for a couple of days, so DP has to drop everything take over sole care of their very traumatised DC (not a problem) but also her. FYI she has PC but he sees them regularly - this extra care is outside of the arrangement and she doesn't have breakdowns when they are in his 'planned care', only when they are in her care.

This has been fine - I have held my tongue as it's not my business. I have no doubt that there is something wrong with her, but she uses it as leverage to the point where she has said to DP that if he saw me less, she would attempt to get counselling. DP told her that this was not a deal he would be involved with.

Anyway. Not really my business. When DP and I moved in together, she had a complete meltdown. After demanding that he not move in with me, she has now locked herself in her study and will not communicate apart from screaming. She doesn't care for their DC and is refusing all forms of treatment. As a result, DP has had to basically move back IN, and hasn't spent a night at our new place in two weeks. I think she is abusing her children to get DP back in the family home, which horrifies me. Also, selfishly, I miss DP.

As long as she continues to say she can't go on, DP will always go running because of guilt, and I am starting to suspect she will never stop this. DP's parents have advised me that she has always been like this, and had previously isolated DP from his friends and family with her behavior. They also mentioned that DP had left her in the past, but had gone back because the threatened suicide and couldn't care for the DC - this is the first time he's stuck to his guns.

I understand DP's predicament, I want to support him the best way I can but feel out of my depth. Just - what do I do?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I think you are right to feel the way you do. Although having children with her does complicate things, the truth is that he is choosing to be guilt-tripped.

When he rewards her bad behaviour, he is also rewarding her abuse of the kids. I'm not entirely sure how he should do it, but it seems to me that if she's locked herself in a study and screaming that she hates her kids, then maybe the way to go would be to call CPS and have them investigate the abusive situation. Call the police or the men in white coats or somebody and start getting this shit documented so that she can't hold the kids ransom any more.

[MrsTomHardy]

Oh god. Sounds awful OP.

I'm sure people with better advice will come along but this situation can't go on long term surely!
By pandering to her, ie- moving back in etc then she's no real need to seek help.
Couldn't your DP bring the children to his place and care for them there??

[Lovingfreedom]

You are not being unreasonable...but I'm afraid your DP is. His ex is using emotional blackmail to continue to control him and his life and is not acting in a way to stop that. If he wants to continue a relationship with you then, I'd suggest he needs to end the relationship with her.

This means only communicating with her about essentials re the DC - i.e. times and places for drop-offs, essential medical/education matters. No other aspect of her life is any of his business any more, and likewise her views are of no relevance to how he lives his life.
If her mental health is so poor that she cannot look after DC then your DP would be advised to seek legal backing to take them into his care.

If your DP is unwilling to end the relationship with his ex then I would suggest that he is not available to have a relationship with you. It is not unreasonable for you to request this as a condition on continuing the relationship - but it's up to him whether he chooses to detach from her or not.

[MrsTomHardy]

Also if she is being abusive to the children and doesn't care for then can't he seek help/advice from certain authorities about getting residency of the children...

[Whocansay]

Next time she has an episode, he should call an ambulance. Professionals can diagnose and treat her if she has a mental health issue. He should also be taking steps to get custody of his children as she is abusing them (as well as him). He could talk to social services and get some advice on how to proceed.

[fourbears]

I don't think she can refuse treatment. If you take her at her word, she obviously needs some medical/psychological care. If your DP calls the GP, he/she can do a home visit and get the community mental health team involved. That will either get her the help she needs or frighten her out of the tantrums. People who are very mentally ill do sometimes refuse treatment. It doesn't follow that they don't need it or shouldn't have it.

[ImperialBlether]

Can't he just leave her in the study and take the kids back to his/your house? Leave her a note, "Call us when you've recovered from your tantrum."

[mynameis]

I think you sound very caring and understanding op
Your DP definitely needs to take action regarding the dc. I agree that he should take them home with him and seek to get his ex some professional help

The poor dc must be distraught

[Lovingfreedom]

I don't think your DP should get help for his ex. If he believes that she really is very seriously ill he could call an ambulance or he might want to pass on his concern to her family or friends...but he should not keep taking responsibility for his ex's health.

[HecateWhoopass]

Perhaps he should go for full custody until his ex has got the help she needs.

[HecateWhoopass]

Oh, and if she's locked herself in the study, then instead of moving back in, your partner should pack the kids bags and take them with him until she's feeling better...

[FellatioNels0n]

I think he needs to apply for residency of the children. This cannot be allowed to continue and I cannot see how any court would refuse to primary residency if he is having to practically live at her house in order fo rhte children to be cared for. I don't know how you would feel about having his children with you full time, but if I were him that is what I would be pushing for under the circumstances. Whether her symptoms are genuine or whether she is being a manipulative drama queen when it suits her is irrelevant really - the children are suffering because of her antics.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

As others have said he needs to get the kids out of there, he's not helping her or them. She needs to get help, being totally brutal she's not his 'problem' anymore. Yes she's the mother of his kids so of course he has a certain responsibility, but its all games and the people suffering are his kids.

[amibeingawitch]

Thank you for all your responses, this is so so useful to hear.

I agree that he does need to get the kids out - in my opinion, as cantbelieveitsnotbutter says, she is not his responsibility and he can't take responsibility for her behavior any longer. But the DC ARE his responsibility and I know they're suffering - this is the sort of thing that will affect them forever.

Yes, whocansay, I've said that if she claims to be suicidal he should be calling an ambulance/getting her parents to get help. He's very caring and I think if he could too involved in trying to 'make her better' he would start to despair ... he's also aware of this and so has been trying to keep out of her way, and allow her family and friends to do it.

We could just about fit them in our new place, and I'd be more than happy to. But, DP says they want to stay with their mum (they are just about old enough to have some level of choice in this) - partly because she is in the family home, partly because they realise something isn't right with her. Obviously what they want isn't necessarily what's best, so I will suggest to DP that the DC come to stay with us, at least temporarily.

[amibeingawitch]

Lovingfreedom - thanks for your illuminating reply. Yes, this is what I worry about. When we met I knew DP had a family, though I didn't consider an ex and DC 'baggage'. Now it just feels like every day is a new drama from her, and DP is trying to please everyone (including me, though I have let him know that I will never be angry with him for supporting his DC).

Perhaps he just isn't truly available now ... if he can't detach from her then there isn't a place for another relationship. I'll think on this.

[amibeingawitch]

Googling residency orders now ... if anyone knows anything about this please do let me know. Out to a meeting now but will be back this evening.

Thank you again, I'm glad to have confirmed that I'm not being an Evil Stepmother(!)

[AThingInYourLife]

It sounds like he enjoys the unhealthy dynamic here as much as she does.

A truly caring person who wasn't indulging knight in shining armour tendencies would have got his children the fuck out of there and involved professionals.

If I were you I would leave him to his self-created car crash life.

[CrunchyFrog]

With a family member who uses self-harm/ suicide threats to control, we now have a family plan. When she does it, we tell her we love her and care about her, and because we care, we are asking for support to help her. Then we ring an ambulance.

I think your DP needs to go, get the kids, and get her medical help. He needs to totally disengage from the behaviour.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

You don't sound the evil step mum - far from it!
Your partner sounds lovely and this must be horrendous for him, everyone pulling at him for 'something'.
The kids probably want to help their mum and are worried too. The least selfish thing she could do is get the help she needs and let the kids be cared for by the people that live them e.g their dad.
Instead she's hanging it out probably in the hope you fuck off and she gets him back by default.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Oops love not live

[mummytime]

She sounds as if she has a personality disorder.
The problem is that the children will feel guilty, and trapped; they are in the words of the relationship board, overwhelmed by FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt).

Your DP needs to make a choice: Does he want to be with you? Does he want to be free of her manipulation (really?)? Does he want to do what is best for him and the children?

If he really wants things to change, then I would suggest he gets himself some counselling. I would also recommend he talks to the children's school (and maybe GP), and tries to get them some counselling too.

He also needs to leave the family home, having given the children the wherewithall to contact him if they really need to (a hidden PAYG mobile, some lessons in making reverse charge calls, the Childline number, some emergency cash if possible). He needs to empower them in the situation, to know that caring for their mother is not their responsibility, and that he will help them if they need him.

I would also suggest he gets some good legal advice, and starts to keep a record of events.

[OwlLady]

you don't sound at all evil, I think the Mum needs help and your dp dropping everything is feeding the situation though I do understand as he has to protect his children

I would take all practical advice from this thread as to where to go next
ie. ring an ambulance if she is locked in a study and threatening suicide and keep a diary of these events. It sounds like your DP needs to work toawrds at least short term care of the children until she is well again

[Thingiebob]

Sounds like a personality disorder. He needs to get the kids to a safe place then call a doctor and get intervention. Once this has happened he then has evidence to help with applying for residency.

[amibeingawitch]

athinginyourlife - thanks for your reply. I genuinely don't think that's the situation here. He's miserable, exhausted and constantly stressed out. I do however agree that he should be extricating the DC from the situation and think he feels disempowered to do that - ex has always called the shots and her behaviour has been going on for so long that it has been normalised. That should change.

mummytime - thank you, your reply was really helpful. I will put all this to DP (under the guise of them being my own ideas, plagiarism!) and also, as others have suggested, urge him to keep a diary of events so he has some evidence.

We'll talk this evening, and see where we get. I have no objections to him bringing the DC here ... I suspect that, although we get on well, they may not feel comfortable sharing a home with me. In which case I will suggest that I move back to my old place (which luckily I haven't let yet) until things have settled. DP is going to think I'm walking out, which will be horrible as I adore him and wouldn't do that.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Dozer]

Agree that your DP should be seeking legal advice to try to get residency, and speaking to health professionals about his ex.

Given the circumstances and his judgment, might be best not to move in together at this point.