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So DH said...

(964 Posts)

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

ladyWordy Tue 29-Jan-13 00:52:22

I'm so sorry waves.

He's not the man you thought he was, is he. sad He commits to buying a home with you, so you sell your own biggest asset to join him... then three months later he doesn't want it. He commits to ttc, you become pregnant... three months later he doesn't want that either. And wants to terminate a life because he doesn't want it now.

That is just appalling.

He doesn't care about whether you find his browsing history either, or maybe he wanted you to find it. You tackle him ...and there's not a trace of guilt, is there? Just some gibberish about living in N Korea, and what he's entitled to do. I imagine he has a pat answer for everything, waves.

Try and get some support from family, friends, anyone, because this must feel beyond shattering. This is not a good man, waves. Not good at all.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 01:02:17

Well there we have it. Knew it had to be someone else and something quite recent, especially as he was committed to buying a house and having a baby just three months ago.

It's a really good thing that you've found out what's behind this because it has short-circuited all that wishing, hoping and appeasing in an effort to change his mind.

I'm assuming you'll ask him to get out now?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 29-Jan-13 06:47:48

I'm sorry sad

I don't suppose you managed to take screen shots and fwd messages to your phone before you told him did you?

I'd call his mother this morning and tell her exactly what he's been up to - everything you found on the laptop & phone and that he's told you that he regrets getting you pregnant.

I'd wait until he goes out, pack him a bag and take it to his mothers - tell her for his own good, he'd better go and live there.

Tell her that despite what he's been looking up on the internet you have no intention of having an abortion (unless it's something you would now consider?).

Please don't feel like you aren't good enough, it's HIM that isn't good enough.

tribpot Tue 29-Jan-13 07:01:15

Above all else, get the blackouts investigated. I think the combination of stressors you have, plus the pregnancy, means you need to ramp your work commitments down as much as you can for now.

Does he have a history of wanting one thing and then wanting the opposite? How did his first marriage end? How long have you been together?

How long has the heavy drinking been going on?

Don't buy his 'this is not North Korea' bullshit. He does not have the right to treat you with disrespect.

AlistairSim Tue 29-Jan-13 07:08:28

I'm so sorry, waves.

I hope you at least managed to get some sleep.

mummytime Tue 29-Jan-13 07:12:41

Do go and see the GP.

My two thoughts have been: What was he like with his ex-wife when she became pregnant? I'd be interested to hear her side of the story if you ever have the chance.

If he leaves, is there any chance you can fit in a lodger?

ScubaSarah Tue 29-Jan-13 07:26:31

waves I'm so sorry to read this. Got to the end of your OP before I realised it was you. Can't add anything that hasn't been said but can offer thanks
First things first get to the docs. Then kick the twunt to the kerb. You're clearly strong and I have no doubt you'll come through this stronger (and probably happier) than ever. You deserve way more than this and your DCs deserve a better role model too.
Take care of you and the bean thanksthanksthanks

Hissy Tue 29-Jan-13 07:27:26

I am shock, OP, I'm so sorry! Thinking of you and knowing that you'll get some great advice here.

What an absolute bastard your H is. I definitely think a call to his bloody mother is in order.

Doha Tue 29-Jan-13 07:30:59

The bitch in me would be emailing the ex just letting her know that as ar as you knew you were not over, however after reading their echanges and discovering him looking for late abortions YOU have decided they you are over. Tell her she can have him-she can have your rejects.
Then get to the bank and if you don't already have set up a bank account for you to put any extra money away you earn---don't let him know about it.
See your GP for support and get the blackouts investigated.
Throw the fucker out and get any tax credits/CB paid to your bank account
Seek legal advice asap.
Start telling people in real life and get all the support you can.
Finally phone his mother and tell her what a charmimg son she has brought up and that you have NO intention of having a late abortion or putting up with all his porn usage and emotional affairs

Doha Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:38

sorry for the typos's rushing out to work--now l'm late sad

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:59

Oh shit waves sad I hope you managed to get some sleep?

He sounds like an utter bastard and you have done nothing wrong. I agree that you should call in sick today and get a GP appt ASAP. Then you need to start looking into your options. In these threads someone usually posts a comment that sets out links to legal advice etc for separating but I'm afraid I don't know where to find that info off-hand.

I'm thinking of you lots x

AThingInYourLife Tue 29-Jan-13 07:39:44

This man is a worthless shit.

Ask him to leave and put on all the pressure about how it's best for his boys now that your relationship has become irreconcilably hostile.

See a lawyer about protecting your assets.

This is who he is. An boil on the arse of the world.

toddlerama Tue 29-Jan-13 07:46:54

This thread has made my blood run cold. What a dreadful man. Don't you leave the house! And tell his mum exactly what he wants to do to her grandchild now he's changed his mind. You don't create a family and bin it 3 months later. That's psychotic.

Gingerodgers Tue 29-Jan-13 07:50:31

Keep strong. Best wishes.

Fairylea Tue 29-Jan-13 08:00:28

I feel so sorry for you. What an absolute bastard.

I know you're hurting now but honestly you've been a single mum before, you can do it again. (I've done it too, cheating ex etc).

Look on entitledto.com to find out what you could claim as a single parent. Go on csa calculator to find out what cunt would have to give you. Start siphoning off money from any joint accounts to build a buffer.

Go for an appointment with a solicitor. Many offer free initial appointments. You may be able to reclaim some of your equity if the purchase is recent.

Whatever you do, ask him to leave.

This isn't love.

tiredteddy Tue 29-Jan-13 09:02:06

Hi waves another familiar face here to hold your hand as ling as it's needed. Hope the doc can help with the fainting that us so horrid for you. I'm a but useless with advice but here for you xx

I'm at work - big presentation this morning, so have to be here. But thinking i really should go to see the GP later today, after I've collected the DCs from school if there is an appointment.

I am furious, and hurting today. I need DH to go, and to do that quickly I need to speak to his mum so she can arrange for a flat for him and his DCs.

I have room for a lodger, once they have all gone. There really isn't any way back from this. I know that. I just need to keep telling myself that, as this horrid little voice keeps saying it was my fault for not being good enough.

He is a bad man. He knows as well how unwell I am at the moment too. I've lost weight, not gained since we got the much wanted BFP in November.

I didn't sleep well, and woke up to vomiting again. So I need to gather myself together, and find the energy and focus for this meeting.

Once I have seen the GP hopefully I will be in a position to speak to work about reducing the amount I am expected to do, and the travelling as well. Wish my mum was here at the moment, but she's away.

Please, please keep reminding me that he has been really awful. I am chilled to the core about the abortion issue. But I need to remember that all of this is bad. And that it all comes from him.

Thanks to you all for your support.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 09:26:04

Waves You are so much better than this pathetic waste of human flesh, you'll be fine without, bubba and dc's will be much happier.

Dont even give this arsehole any thoughts.

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 29-Jan-13 09:38:02

Waves, I'm so sorry things have come to this for you.
Don't listen to the horrid little voice saying it was your fault, this is all on him (a <hooya> for you if you do!), I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Good luck at the GP's later, glad you're going in. xx

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 29-Jan-13 09:45:51

Oh my, don't for one second think its you. It's him, he's the arse.
Yes you need him out the house so you can rest, lick your wounds and plan (with legal advice)
And doing this to all your babies just makes him even more of a bastard
Xxx

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 09:50:38

Hi waves - after a bit of searching, I found the advice that others have posted in relationship threads on here. Not sure if they will al be relevant (they may be geared more towards abusive situations??) but I hope something does help. I found this originally posted by olgaga in this thread.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

General

Try to get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor.

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn’t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance),

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. A Mediator can help you to have a structured discussion in a neutral setting and help you reach agreement. They should have knowledge of family law but are not there to give legal advice.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:

theparentconnection.org.uk/

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Housing

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(Bear in mind that if you are not in England there is usually an appropriate link on these websites. There are significant differences in Scottish law and housing provision).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 10:00:06

I can't imagine how much you are hurting right now. Does he normally run away from problems with kids or taking on a new property - straight back to an ex, how original. Is she even single - hope he gets thumped if not.
Despicable behaviour and fwiw he's not fit to be your H or DCs' stepdad. Please see GP asap stay well and you have tons of support here.

harryhausen Tue 29-Jan-13 10:03:48

Waves, I don't 'know' you but just wanted to offer you my whole hearted love and support.

Oh. My.bloody.god what an utterly awful shit of a man/father. I don't rarely get shocked but this has left me speechless.

You sound an amazing, loving, hardworking woman and mother. You totally do not deserve this.

I really hope he is gone from your home soon so you can breathe. In 6 months time, when all his grass doesn't seem so much greener he will regret this. I'm glad in a way that you found him out now.

Take care xxx

MarilynValentine Tue 29-Jan-13 10:05:44

Wow WingDefence what an amazing, supportive post.

OP, your H has been fucking despicable. You will be well rid of him. So sorry you are having to deal with this but you will get through it.

He is a selfish, nasty prick. Stay with the anger, focus on that - the fact that he has behaved abominably and deserves no second chances.

Good luck.

thanks

oh no waves I am so sorry. You have had some really good advice here and you must look after yourself. I think you need to face that your H is not the man you thought and none of this is your fault at all. sad

Will you be able to look after the baby and work/mat leave etc?

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